Some golfers fantasize about playing in a foursome with Arnold Palmer, Jack Nicklaus, and Sam Snead. The way I hit I'd rather play in a foursome with Helen Keller, Ray Charles, and Stevie Wonder.
When your first baby drops her pacifier, you sterilize it. When your second baby drops her pacifier, you tell the dog: 'Fetch!'
On a recent survey, 80 percent of golfers admitted cheating. The other 20 percent lied.
Someone once told me that there is more to life than golf. I think it was my ex-wife.
I'll always remember the day I broke ninety. I had a few beers in the clubhouse and was so excited I forgot to play the back nine.
You always nag the one you love
My psychiatrist prescribed a game of golf as an antidote to the feelings of euphoria I experience from time to time.
The only place you're sure to find love is at the end of a letter from your mother.
In Minnesota it's so cold some nights you have to wear two condoms.
I don't think I'll live long enough to shoot my age. I'm lucky to shoot my weight.
Talking to a golf ball won't do you any good, unless you do it while your opponent is teeing off.
My ex-wife has never broken 150. I wish she would stop telling people I taught her how to play golf.
We learn so many things from golf: how to suffer, for instance.
I used to go to the driving range to practice driving without slicing. Now I go to practice slicing without swearing.
What's the point of washing off your ball when teeing off on a water hole?
The only thing in my bag that works is the bug spray.