Top quotes by Dan Jenkins

A sportswriter's life means never sitting with your wife or family at the games. Still working after everyone has gone to the party... Digging beneath a coach's lies, not to forget those of athletic directors and general managers and owners of pro teams. Keeping a confidence. Risking it. Votes: 16

Just think about it: what in the name of God would Alabama be without the University of Alabama? What would Oklahoma be without the University of Oklahoma? Nothing. Votes: 16

My favorite sport, frankly, is college football. I'm a college football junkie, even though I'm associated with golf and like golf and have played it all my life. Votes: 15

Nobody can make a putt that breaks to the right. It's unnatural. Unless you're left-handed, of course. Standing over a putt that breaks to the right can actually make you dizzy. I've long thought that right-breaking putts are a major contributor to mental and physical ill health. Votes: 14

It must be the PGA Championship if it's August and you can sit down and talk to the heat or reach inside your shirt, where it's 110 degrees, and grab handfuls of humidity. Votes: 14

I quickly discovered that trying to go play golf while living in Manhattan was about as easy as trying to grab a taxi while standing out in front of Saks Fifth Avenue in the freezing rain on the last shopping day before Christmas. Votes: 13

Being a club pro and all, a guy trying to keep up with golf's modern technology, I hadn't found much time for Internet dating, but then one day I knew I'd met the girl of my dreams when she replied to a comment I'd made on You-and-Me.com. She said, 'I love it when you talk equipment to me.' Votes: 12

Tiger Woods was a month away from 34 years of age when his debutantes began turning up in the news. He was a grown man with a wife and two children. Well, we supposed he had a wife, but that was before we learned she was only an ornament. Votes: 12

If you're a friend or a relative of George Herbert Walker Bush, Prez 41, or George W. Bush, Prez 43, or any other Bushes, then you know an 18-hole round of golf shouldn't take more than three hours out of your day - there are other important things to do. Votes: 12

The key to any good sports story is identifying the defining moment. In football games or a boxing match, it's usually pretty obvious. But in golf, sometimes it happens on Thursday. Usually it's Sunday, but guys who don't know the game, they can miss it. Votes: 12

First, I thought Twitter was some kind of hybrid car being developed by Government Motors. Then I thought it was a new bite-size snack combining what's best of the Frito and the Cheeto. Then I found out it was me. On a laptop. At the U.S. Open. Having fun. Votes: 11

Real golf is the 20 million people who play once a week or once a month. Votes: 9

I hate political correctness. Votes: 8

CEOs are worried they're going to get fired any minute. They're worried about their portfolios. Votes: 8

There's usually one piece in 'Vanity Fair' every month that grabs me, but when it presents hatchet jobs without substantiation to impress its liberal friends, I laugh first, then toss. Votes: 8

When you're a fledgling youth-type adult, it appears that all people in their 40s look old enough to be in a painting hanging on the wall of a stately home in England. It's not until you limp into your 70s that people in their 40s look too young to vote, and college cheerleaders closely resemble Yorkshire terriers. Votes: 7

My aunt got me interested in journalism - she found an old typewriter, had it worked over, put it on the dining room table, gave me a stack of paper and said, 'Play like you're a writer.' Votes: 7

Presidents are nice people. They're nice, fun-loving people who have great jobs. Votes: 7

If you want to put golf back on the front pages again, and you don't have a Bobby Jones or a Francis Ouimet handy, here's what you do: You send an aging Jack Nicklaus out in the last round of the Masters and let him kill more foreigners than a general named Eisenhower. Votes: 6

I can only tell you that eggs, country ham, biscuits, a pot of coffee, a morning paper, a table by the window overlooking the veranda and putting green, listening to the idle chitchat of competitors, authors, wits and philosophers, hasn't exactly been a torturous way to begin each day at the Masters all these years. Votes: 6

The ocean-bordered southern part of California has always been a place of Hollywood make-believe, casual opulence, suntans and jewelry. Votes: 5

I gather most people don't remember that when the U.S. Open first went to Pebble Beach in 1972, a big deal was made of the Open going to a public course for the first time. Votes: 5

You count a man's U.S. Amateur titles after he starts winning professional majors. That's something any intelligent golf writer with a sense of history is supposed to know. Votes: 5

The first president I met was L. B. J. Votes: 5

Anybody can make jokes. But unless they come from conviction, and there's truth in them, you haven't nailed it. They aren't as funny as they could be, and they don't make a point. Votes: 4

You can't have a U.S. Open anymore without an extra course to store all the hospitality tents. I used to be able to drive up to the clubhouse and park like the players. Now, there are seven corporate hospitality guys who have my spot, and I'm on a bus. Votes: 4

I think a great athlete transcends eras. Votes: 4

I love Twitter. Votes: 4

I don't know how television or radio is going to survive without newspapers because that's where they get all their news. It's going to be hopeless. Votes: 4

I've worked my whole life and never missed a deadline. Votes: 2

At times, my very own media makes me cringe, and occasionally out loud. By the way, nothing clears the head like an out-loud cringe. Votes: 0

I'd rather be doing something than not doing something. Votes: 0

I am among those who firmly believe that a round of golf should not take more than three and a half hours, four at most. Anything longer than that is not a round of golf, it's life in Albania. Votes: 0

Much of the fire with him [Ben Hogan] was lit by Byron Nelson, who came from the same town - the same caddie yard - and achieved fame and fortune several years ahead of Ben and who, as a kid, had always been popular and better liked than Ben. No puzzle at all. Votes: 0

If a caddie can help you, you don't know how to play golf. Votes: 0

Professionalism in tennis ... only resulted in making billionaires out of rude children, producing an onslaught of moody defectors, and a lot of guys with hair that looks as if bats slept in it... Meanwhile, my head swims with the thought that I have watched tennis progress from Don Budge and Alice Marble to Farrah Fawcett becoming John McEnroe's mother-in-law. Votes: 0

In a story, you have to have a theme and an angle, you have to have a beginning, middle and an end. You have to have a defining moment and kick it to death. You gotta be able to recognize that, by the way. It probably takes experience. Votes: 0

The golfer has more enemies than any other athlete. He has fourteen clubs in his bag, all of them different; 18 holoes to play, all of them different, every week; and all around him is sand, trees, grass, water, wind and 143 other players. In addition, the game is 50 percent mental, so his biggest enemy is himself. Votes: 0

Part of the charm of basketball lies in the fact that it's a simple game to understand. Players race up and down a fairly small area indoors and stuff the ball into a ring with Madonna's dress hanging on it. Votes: 0

Always keep in mind that if God didn't want a man to have mulligans, golf balls wouldn't come three to a sleeve. Votes: 0

Valet parking is an essential at any decent club. Votes: 0

I get 'USA Today,' the 'New York Times,' 'Wall Street Journal' and the 'Star-Telegram' at my doorstep. I can't do without them. Votes: 0

Among the many things that have slipped up on me while my back was turned are all of these challenging and well-manicured public courses that have sprung up across America with elegant bars and restaurants. Votes: 0

My real heroes have always been sportswriters. Votes: 0

Tennis was a game invented by a woman named Samantha Tennis in 1839, in the village of Lobsworth, County of Kent, as a diversion for the wealthy and titled Englishmen of the region, who had nothing better to do at the time but drink, belch and wear funny clothes. Votes: 0

I like to be entertained, not smothered with 'literary' riddles. Votes: 0

Kids flew B-17s in daylight bombing raids over Germany in World War II. Kids fought in Korea and Vietnam. Votes: 0

Lonnie says it doesn't take long to write a song if you're stricken with a severe case of the Tennysons. He wasn't necessarily talking about a chart-climber. Votes: 0

Juanita found herself at Old Jeemy's radio station in a room she could have sworn was a laboratory where creatures with antennas in their heads, knobs for eyes, jagged arms, and dangly legs conducted experiments on the bodies of dead vocalists. Votes: 0

When I was a lad in my 20s, as carefree and debonair as any other underpaid newspaperman, I happened to be a golfer who could flirt with par fairly often, and I was adventurous enough in those days to play any known or unknown thief who showed up at Goat Hills for whatever amount he fancied. Votes: 0

The devoted golfer is an anguished soul who has learned a lot about putting just as an avalanche victim has learned a lot about snow. Votes: 0

I don't suppose anybody's ever enjoyed being who they are more than Arnold's enjoyed being Arnold Palmer. Votes: 0

Vijay Singh won a playoff in 2004 at Whistling Straits after a final-round 76, which was the highest last round by the winner of any major since 1938, when Reg Whitcombe won the British Open with a 78 in a storm that blew down the exhibition tent at Sandwich. Votes: 0

The greatly anticipated 2009 Masters was like going to a Broadway hit and finding out that the star, Sir Tiger Woods, was off that night, and his replacement was the cab driver who dropped you off at the theater. Votes: 0

The first thing they gave me at 'Sports Illustrated' was a first-class air card. 'And oh, by the way, there's the petty cash drawer,' they told me. 'Take a few thousand dollars for expenses.' Votes: 0

The U.S. won the majors 29-11 in the 1980s. That's when Tom Watson and Jack Nicklaus were carrying the ball, and when Seve Ballesteros was becoming a Brit in the minds of English and Scottish journalists. Votes: 0

Every immortal except Jack Nicklaus has hit a wall and stopped making putts he had to make in order to win. Jack did it for 20 years. Votes: 0

Jack Nicklaus is the greatest winner I've ever seen. Votes: 0

The golf ball has no sense at all, which is why it has to be given stern lectures constantly, especially during the act of putting. Votes: 0

Everybody in the Olympics is paid. Lindsay Vonn is going to make a million dollars whether she skis or not. Votes: 0

The PGA Championship, last of the majors each year, might well be accustomed to having fun poked at it by the print press for being mired in August, but this isn't fair. Votes: 0

Marty Russo was too good a golfer to be a servant of the people. Votes: 0

Something mystical happens to every writer who goes to the Masters for the first time, some sort of emotional experience that results in a search party having to be sent out to recover his typewriter from a clump of azaleas. Votes: 0

Sally Jenkins of the 'Washington Post' is the best sports columnist in the country. Second best is Gene Wojciechowski of ESPN.com, and third is Dan Wetzel on Yahoo! Votes: 0

Putting is not an art, it's a dreaded evil. No wise man ever said that. Votes: 0

Here's all I know about Dubai: It's one of those somewhere-over-there places where they make sand. Votes: 0

Of course, Dwight D. Eisenhower gets credit for doing more for golf than any other White House resident, a mid- to high-handicapper though he was. Votes: 0

Fort Worth is friendly; it's still a Texas town. It's the most Texas city in Texas. Votes: 0

You must remind yourself at all times that the golf ball is nothing. It's an object. It's something to be swatted and sometimes lost and not even looked for. Votes: 0

I haven't looked for a golf ball since mulligans were free, which was a law I passed in 1995. Votes: 0

Locker rooms and grill rooms are still the best places to find out things you don't know - at the Masters or any other golf tournament. Votes: 0

The president I came to know best was George Herbert Walker Bush. No. 41 in your program, No. 1 on your list of fast-playing golfers. Votes: 0

There have been so many great moments in golf that you even forget some of them. Votes: 0

The Masters is a sell-out annually, and even the scalpers mind their manners. Votes: 0

The reason I wrote about women's golf is because I've helped out some with the Kathy Whitworth Cup, a tournament they have in Fort Worth every year where they invite 60 of the best junior golfers in the country and even some foreign players. Votes: 0

I just come from a school where you have to win something to be accepted. Votes: 0

High school golf, college golf and the decade that followed all come back to me now as one big raucous, goofy gangsome. Votes: 0

I think newspapers will survive in some form or another. Votes: 0

A good one iron shot is about as easy to come by as an understanding wife. Votes: 0

The devoted golfer is an anguished soul who has learned a lot about putting, just as an avalanche victim has learned a lot about snow. Votes: 0

Only two things can stop Tiger — injury or a bad marriage. Votes: 0

Laughter is the only thing that'll cut trouble down to a size where you can talk to it. Votes: 0

I had always suspected that trying to play golf in the company of big-time pros and a gallery would be something like walking naked into choir practice. Votes: 0

The maplewood flat-finished Martin had represented the most outrageous luxury in her life when she bought it in 1971 for four hundred dollars. But Lonnie Slocum assured her the Martin was a good investment, even if she never learned to play it better than an acid head who was into heavy metal. Votes: 0

Baseball would be a better game if more third basemen got hit in the mouth by line drivers. Votes: 0

Every golfer has at least 14 enemies: his clubs. Votes: 0

Golfers don't fist fight. They cuss a bit. But they wouldn't punch anything or anybody. They might hurt their hands and have to change their grip. Votes: 0

Who is the best the sportswriter who wore shorts? I keep trying to envision Grantland Rice or John Lardner in shorts. It never occurred to me to wear shorts. I'd look too silly to wear shorts. Votes: 0

Regardless of what the tour pros think, golf is a rich and varied game, and what all of us awkward fools do on weekends is what golf is truly all about. Votes: 0

When Ballesteros triumphed at the British Open in 1979, for his first major win, he hit so few fairways off the tee that he was often mistaken for a gallery marshall. Votes: 0

Many Americans follow pro basketball from November through June, for reasons that I found unexplainable, other than the fact that they were overly fascinated with soaring armpits. Votes: 0

Until Sammy Baugh - pro football in Texas was a one-paragraph story on the third page of the Monday sports section. Votes: 0

As the NFF Historian, I'll have a new platform to indulge my passion for the most emotional, colorful and hysterical game ever developed by mankind and Walter Camp. Votes: 0