Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Votes: 23
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom. Votes: 21
Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit. Votes: 20
The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going. Votes: 19
Religion is just mind control. Votes: 8
I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood. Votes: 8
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that. Votes: 0
If the Cincinnati Reds were really the first major league baseball team, who did they play? Votes: 0
If black boxes survive air crashes - why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff? Votes: 0
So, have a little fun. Soon enough you'll be dead and burning in Hell with the rest of your family. Votes: 0
We are all precancerous. Votes: 0
I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately. Votes: 0
I feel sorry for confetti. Its useful life lasts about two seconds. And it can never be used again. Votes: 0
What wine goes with Captain Crunch? Votes: 0
Jesus was a cross-dresser. Votes: 0
There may or may not be atheists in foxholes, but I'm certain there are none in the Ku Klux Klan. Votes: 0
Religion is like a pair of shoes.....Find one that fits for you, but don't make me wear your shoes. Votes: 0
Grudges are a waste of perfect happiness. Laugh..apologiz e..let go of what you can't change. Votes: 0
The only thing high-definition television will do is provide sharper images of the garbage. Votes: 0
When I got out of high school they retired my jersey, but it was for hygiene and sanitary reasons. Votes: 0
When I see a large group of people, I wonder how many of them will eventually require autopsies. Votes: 0
Life is tough, then you die. Votes: 0
If I ever lose my mind I hope some honest person will find it and take it to Lost and Found. Votes: 0
Life is a near-death experience. Votes: 0
Pardon me I've got nothing to say. Votes: 0
Never get on an airplane if the pilot is wearing a hat that has more than three pastel colors. Votes: 0
If a movie is described as a romantic comedy, you can usually find me next door playing pinball. Votes: 0
Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck. Votes: 0
Sports fans eat shit. Votes: 0
Put two things together which have never been put together before, and some schmuck will buy it. Votes: 0
The secret of success is doing something you love, doing it well and being recognized for it Votes: 0
The status quo sucks. Votes: 0
Is there another word for synonym? Votes: 0
Does killing time damage eternity? Votes: 0
When I was a kid, if a guy got killed in a western movie I always wondered who got his horse. Votes: 0
Life is a zero sum game. Votes: 0
"No comment" is a comment. Votes: 0
A pear is a failed apple. Votes: 0
All music is the blues. All of it. Votes: 0
Always do whatever's next. Votes: 0
As you swim the river of live, do the breast stroke. It helps to clear the turds from your path. Votes: 0
Censorship that comes from the outside assumes about people an inability to make reasoned choices. Votes: 0
Every day I beat my own previous record for the number of consecutive days I've stayed alive. Votes: 0
Everything beeps now. Votes: 0
He is dead now, but he meant well. Votes: 0
Hooray for most things! Votes: 0
I don't vote. We're led to believe we're free through the exercise of ineffective freedoms. Votes: 0
I finally accepted Jesus. not as my personal savior, but as a man I intend to borrow money from. Votes: 0
If all our national holidays were observed on Wednesdays, we could wind up with nine-day weekends. Votes: 0
I'm in shape. Round is a shape. Votes: 0
In terms of coke, the only money I ever thought about was that dollar bill I had stuck up my nose. Votes: 0
Instead of thinking about the sex, I'd always think about the clap and the crabs those people have. Votes: 0
Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool? Votes: 0
It's the American view that everything has to keep climbing: productivity, profits, even comedy. Votes: 0
I've never been quarantined. But the more I look around the more I think it might not be a bad idea. Votes: 0
I've set my own rules to live by. The first one is: 'Never believe ANYthing the government says.' Votes: 0
Just think, right now as you read this, some guy somewhere is gettin' ready to hang himself. Votes: 0
Language always gives you away. Votes: 0
Life is a series of dogs. Votes: 0
Life is not measured by the breaths you take, but by the moments that take your breaths away. Votes: 0
Life is not that complicated. Votes: 0
Meow" means "woof" in cat. Votes: 0
Most of the time people feel okay. Probably it's because at the moment they're not actually dying. Votes: 0
Mother's milk leads to everything. Votes: 0
Movies and television don't make you violent; all they do is channel the violence more creatively. Votes: 0
My tombstone? I'm thinking something along the lines of, 'Geez, he was just here a minute ago.' Votes: 0
Never underestimate the role pretension plays when it comes to creating euphemistic language. Votes: 0
One thing leads to another? Not always. Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. Ask an addict. Votes: 0
People are dreaming if they think they have rights. They've never had rights. There's no such thing. Votes: 0
People who ask "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a choice, did ya there buddy? Votes: 0
Praying is begging for an unseen deity to alter the laws of nature for someone admittedly unworthy. Votes: 0
Rhetoric paints with a broad brush. Votes: 0
Some people think that words can injure the psyche or the moral fiber. And they really can't. Votes: 0
Sudden total weight loss. Votes: 0
Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That's just common sense! Votes: 0
The child molester skipped breakfast, but said he'd grab a little something on the way to work. Votes: 0
The coke made me incredibly horny. Votes: 0
The dividend I get [from my compulsion] is the freedom to be totally disorderly in my dreamworld. Votes: 0
The enjoyment has been diminishing. Now, there's no question that it's sort of fun to get high. Votes: 0
The secretiveness. The stealth. Those were obviously the aspects of cocaine use I was addicted to. Votes: 0
The women who line up at a comic's dressing-room door are not what you'd call your class groupies. Votes: 0
There was a built-in audience for the rebel in me that had been all along not expressing himself. Votes: 0
This country was founded by a group of slave owners who told us that all men are created equal. Votes: 0
We're not supposed to mention f***ing in mixed company, but that's exactly where it takes place. Votes: 0
We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life, not life to years. Votes: 0
What year did Jesus think it was? Votes: 0
Where do we get our values from? Votes: 0
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard Votes: 0
Without the laughs, the audience wouldn't be there at all, so in that sense, yes, I am a comedian. Votes: 0
You never see a smiling runner. Votes: 0
Your home is your refuge. Votes: 0