If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late. Votes: 31
My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first! Votes: 16
I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me. Votes: 12
She has a wash and wear bridal gown. Votes: 0
My brother-in-law had to give up his last job because of illness. His boss became sick of him. Votes: 0
This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest. Votes: 0
My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle. Votes: 0
Payday at my house is like the Academy Awards. My wife says: May I have the envelope please. Votes: 0
Two Santa Clauses on the corner. How can you tell the Polish one? The one with the Easter basket. Votes: 0
A baby-sitter is a teenager who gets two dollars an hour to eat five dollars' worth of your food. Votes: 0
This man dresses like an unmade bed. Votes: 0
A Polish man had his vasectomy done at Sears. Now when he makes love, the garage door goes up. Votes: 0
A bomb fell on Italy. It slid off! Votes: 0
Farrah's dressing room was next to mine. There was a little hole in the wall. I let her look. Votes: 0
I asked a Jewish man, "Do you know where Michigan Avenue is?" He said, "Yes", and walked away. Votes: 0
I call my lawyer and say, 'Can I ask you two questions?' He says, 'What's the second question?' Votes: 0
I had a nightmare last night. I dreamed Dolly Parton was my mother and I was a bottle baby. Votes: 0
I went out with a girl last night. She wasn't a Lana Turner. She was more of a stomach turner. Votes: 0
If a joke is too hard to visualize, I tell the young comics, then what the hell good is it? Votes: 0
If I had blood, I'd blush. Votes: 0
If, as the scientist say, sex is such a driving force, why is so much of it nowadays found parked? Votes: 0
My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but can she climb a tree. Votes: 0
Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check 3 friends. If they are okay, you're it. Votes: 0
Take my wife... Please! Votes: 0
Two Polish men at Halloween with burned faces. What happened? They were bobbing for french fries. Votes: 0