I would rather make love than war, but only because condoms kill millions of lives more enjoyably. Votes: 1
More Americans died in WWII than in any other world war, with the possible exception of WWI. Votes: 1
Being a parent is a gift, one which most men unselfishly allow women to keep all to themselves. Votes: 1
Love is a blur. So is this picture. But what do you expect? Murder is fuzzy, like a peach. Yummy! Votes: 0
I both made the knife-fighting team, and I got cut. If only love were so easy to understand. Votes: 0
Coaching 101: First you build the team, and then you build the torture chamber for underperformers. Votes: 0
I need to condense my adrenaline, carbonate it, sweeten it, and sell it as an energy drink. Votes: 0
Rather than change the content of my book, I changed the font. I think it made my book funnier. Votes: 0
Growing up I was so poor I wore coffee cups as shoes. The good part was my feet never fell asleep. Votes: 0
The going rate for love is going away. And the more you go away, the more expensive it gets. Votes: 0
She stole my heart, like a pickpocket. And when my wallet also went missing, I knew it was love. Votes: 0
I made her late, so she made me dinner. And by late I mean pregnant. And by dinner I mean marry her. Votes: 0
I asked for her hand in marriage, but instead got the whole body. Love is full of surprises! Votes: 0
A wedding and a funeral. One event. Votes: 0
I love running. I'm not into marathons, but I am into avoiding problems at an accelerated rate. Votes: 0
I don't like Dijon or honey mustard. No, the only kind of mustard I like is #FFFF00 mustard." Votes: 0
If you could buy time, I would sell it. Yesterday would be expensive, and tomorrow would be cheap. Votes: 0
Love is all you need in this world. Well, at least until you die of thirst or you freeze to death. Votes: 0
People tell me I look like my father. I've never seen my dad, so does that mean I look invisible? Votes: 0
I snorted a whole bag of powdered pink flamingoes, and it was enough to power me through my blues. Votes: 0
I spend all my time trying to capture the moment. And when I do, I'll interrogate and torture it. Votes: 0
If I had an orange penis, and an erection, I might take offense at carrot eaters. Baby carrots. Votes: 0
We made love like the three minutes between 3:32 and 3:34. My endurance is even worse than my math. Votes: 0
I want to be a naughty pirate, because when I put on that eye patch, it barely covers my genitals. Votes: 0
Life is made up of now, and the past and the future are nothing more than inedible garnishes. Votes: 0
Love is as iffy as Kipling. Votes: 0
I belong, and my penis, it be long. Votes: 0
A large pizza is healthier than 31 days of fried penis. That is so long it could only be my penis. Votes: 0
Toilet bowl basins need to be deeper, because every time I sit down my penis clogs the pipe. Votes: 0
I wish I could bottle up my penis and sell it at a garage sale. But first I need to get a garage. Votes: 0
I am not adventurous, though I can manage to look at and enjoy sunsets. However, sunrises scare me. Votes: 0
A unicorn breathes rainbows like a dragon breathes fire. My coffee breathes Jarod Kintz quotes. Votes: 0
Empty your pants pockets, and throw away all your masturbation. Love someone other than yourself. Votes: 0
She tried to insult me in front of the whole party. So what could I do but yawn and walk away? Votes: 0
Love is missing your flight because you have a train to catch. I also have a football to catch. Votes: 0
We made eyes at each other, and then we made love. We also made other things too, like meatloaf. Votes: 0
I make furniture that can be used as weapons. The most dangerous piece of furniture is the Loveseat. Votes: 0
0 plus 100 equals 100. But so does 50 plus 50, only with more balance. Let this be a lesson in love. Votes: 0
I am a fisherman among farmers, and as a farmer what I grow is tired of waiting for her to love me. Votes: 0
For our first date we went Dutch. We would have gone another nationality, but they are the tallest. Votes: 0
I had a great view of the sunset. At least until father went and changed the channel. Dammit, dad! Votes: 0
I put tin foil on our relationship and stuck it in the fridge, because it needed to cool down a bit. Votes: 0
I just started seeing someone, which is a relief, because the last girl I dated was invisible. Votes: 0
A sister should set her brother up with one of her friends, unless her only friend is her sister. Votes: 0
I keep my valuable things locked up. Everybody does. Therefore, criminals must be valuable. Votes: 0
My two legs are like one pretzel when I sit on the floor. If only love were so intertwined. Votes: 0
We made love like steam meets mist. My memory is foggy, but I know I inhaled her essence like smoke. Votes: 0
We made love in the restaurant booth. It was romantic until our waiter knocked on our windshield. Votes: 0
Women love a man in uniform. You should see them drool when I dress up in my Girl Scout outfit. Votes: 0
I drink coffee like other men paint pictures of naked women. I do it because I love the full body. Votes: 0
I sing like a flower, and I dance like a tree. Let us make love like an overflowing cup of coffee. Votes: 0
In my dreams, my spare penis was decomposing in my closet, and to me it was a symbol of our love. Votes: 0
When love knocked at my door, I prayed to God and thanked Him for letting me live in a Porta-potty. Votes: 0
I took some of the price off, and she took some of her clothes off. She made love and I made money. Votes: 0
Love rules the world. Like a tyrant. Votes: 0
I once tried to shave my mustache off with a toothbrush. Just one example of my skills as a lover. Votes: 0
No matter how bad things get, just keep looking up. Just keep looking up her skirt. Or his kilt. Votes: 0
Ninety minutes of pure naughty (limit 30 minutes per customer). *No clones or triplets allowed! Votes: 0
I say yes, turn the other cheek, and let me slap your butt again. Forgiveness can be oh so naughty. Votes: 0
The naked truth is anything but naked. But it will be soon enough, if I keep giving it alcohol. Votes: 0
The best part about getting a blowjob, is unwrapping the tinfoil. I like mine with lots of ketchup. Votes: 0
I have a strong opinion on steroids. Votes: 0
Dialogue between two characters, each of them different forms of karate, might be a bit choppy. Votes: 0
Being an only child makes me the oldest child and the youngest child. And the middle child. Votes: 0
Selling something only to steal it back to sell again is not only dishonest, but highly profitable. Votes: 0
I tie my smile like a shoelace. Votes: 0
I still have wagon splinters stuck to my ass, from when my high school coach made me ride the bench. Votes: 0
Being out in the sunlight brightens my mood, especially if that sunlight is reflected off the moon. Votes: 0
Love is like a chess match, where the queen wins the game and the king just sort of stands around. Votes: 0
This is my logo for Art and Books Votes: 0
This is my logo for Ora Votes: 0
This is my logo for Two-Faced Votes: 0
In a good economy, people work hard to succeed. In a bad economy, people work hard to not fail. Votes: 0
Love is a speedy bird that looks like a fish. If you catch one in the sky, try not to drown. Votes: 0
Half is 15%, if 30% is 100%. Votes: 0
Is talking to your clone like talking to yourself, talking to someone else, both, or in the middle? Votes: 0
You should shoot. I should shoo. Votes: 0
Love is the most amazing feeling in the world. Let me double check. Yep, love is a feeling. Votes: 0
Whether you live to be 50 or 100 makes no difference, if you made no difference in the world. Votes: 0
I thought he was a quiet guy. Then I found out he is a mute, and then I knew he was a quiet guy. Votes: 0
My love for you would blot out the sun like a cloud made out of yogurt. I hope you brought a spoon. Votes: 0
I oft go to a loft aloft in the sky. I go alone, because I enjoy the company of a lofty intellect. Votes: 0
I like to spoon after I fork. Votes: 0
I had no direction until I merged into the left lane. Some people find God. I found my blinker. Votes: 0
Jacksonville's official bird is the butterfly. The butterfly is also Jacksonville's official flower. Votes: 0
To me, beer tastes like piss. Maybe that's why I only enjoy it in the shower with my uncle. Votes: 0
My father inherited my old looks. Votes: 0
I just bought a small condo overlooking the water. The water is in a cup, one floor below my unit. Votes: 0
I tried telling him without telling him, through body language, and I observed he was unobservant. Votes: 0
Love isn't all sunsets and roses. Sometimes it's good old-fashioned stalking and surveillance. Votes: 0
Despite marking the spot, Generation X has no treasure. How could they, when I dug it up first? Votes: 0
Faith: a device of the mind, fed by the soul, that functions like crutches to a man in a wheelchair. Votes: 0
Thanks, but my name is Gracias. Votes: 0
The sky was as blue as orange could get. I love sunsets at noon, and forks disguised as spoons. Votes: 0
To make my meal in a box taste better, I decided to tweak the logo, rather than the ingredients. Votes: 0
You and I have a love so secret that not even you know about it. But first, let me introduce myself. Votes: 0
When I smell small, my nose gets clogged up. Think what would happen if I whiffed medium or large. Votes: 0
I prefer statues silent, rather than of ears with tongues sticking out and licking out loudly. Votes: 0
I know a thing or two about love. Well, maybe just a thing. A big, blurry thing, like Bigfoot. Votes: 0
To the potluck I brought something I randomly found in my fridge. It was the source of the stink. Votes: 0
Escalators are the offspring of elevators and stairs. Love is the progeny of passion and admiration. Votes: 0
If I aged twice as fast and lived twice as long as a normal person, would I be Wisdom Man~? Votes: 0
Relax. Just be. And be just. Votes: 0
The crickets sounded like maybe in the trees. They were pretty loud to be so unsure of themselves. Votes: 0
Go to a cemetery for the scenery. After you die, go back to the cemetery to become one with nature. Votes: 0
I've been trying to start a garage band for over a decade now, but father won't move his car. Votes: 0
I want to write a song called Two Straws and a Spoon, about one man being cuckolded by a milkshake. Votes: 0
If I had four fingers growing out of my forehead, I wouldn't try to play the piano with my nose. Votes: 0