Don't you expect a rainbow coming out of the tub of bacon strips at the end of the buffet line? Votes: 6
I watch a lot of TV, I drink a lot of coffee, but you know what's really addictive? Heroin. Votes: 0
You ever get a postcard, you get so excited you don't even read it! "Hey I got a - who cares." Votes: 0
When you hear bacon cooking....that sizzling sound isn't the fat cooking....that's applause. Votes: 0
You know what it's like having five kids? Imagine you're drowning. And someone hands you a baby. Votes: 0
I initially signed up for Twitter just to do jokes I wasn't going to do in my stand-up routine. Votes: 0
I'm an eccentric, silly, observational guy, but I'm not gonna frighten off social conservatives. Votes: 0
Now don't get me wrong, I love animals, but I like eatin' 'em more... fun to pet, better to chew. Votes: 0
I like to stay in a hotel where it's a dome of silence. I can sit in my room and do nothing. Votes: 0
There are different parts of us. You want to feel safe but you want to also feel challenged. Votes: 0
Don't get caught up in other people's expectations. Don't take anything for granted, either. Votes: 0
It's not as if ten years ago, we were like, 'I wish I could take low quality photos of my dessert.' Votes: 0
I just want to be known as funny. Votes: 0
Faith is something that's - it's hard to articulate. It's - there's - it's not based on logic. Votes: 0
There's something that's really fun about the challenge of making the mundane funny, too, I think. Votes: 0
Yeah, I am a character actor. Votes: 0
Some of my fear and anxieties surrounding faith, I think, provides some good comedy for my act. Votes: 0
Now that I'm married and have two beautiful children, it really makes me appreciate... being alone. Votes: 0
I've been outed as a Christian. Votes: 0
You can never find the right bowling ball. This one's too heavy. This one's good but its pink! Votes: 0
That's my private business. Besides, the perception is that people that believe in God are stupid. Votes: 0
I grew up in Sheepshead Bay. Votes: 0
You could say that to the pope. I want to talk to you about Jesus. He'd be like, easy, freak. Votes: 0
Cancer is always funny. Votes: 0
We tend to outdo ourselves. Votes: 0
I should clarify that anyone that goes onstage and makes strangers laugh is insane. So I am insane. Votes: 0
My comedy is romanticized laziness. Votes: 0