For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off. Votes: 22
A two-pound turkey and a fifty-pound cranberry-that's Thanksgiving dinner at Three Mile Island. Votes: 18
Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill. Votes: 10
It was so hot today that Burger King was singing, "if you want it your way, cook it yourself." Votes: 8
What's all this fuss about plutonium? How can something named after a Disney character be dangerous? Votes: 7
Happiness is seeing your son drafted the same day he's been accepted to an expensive college. Votes: 0
I'm an entertainer, not a commentator. If you're a comedian your job is to make people laugh. Votes: 0
Only lie about the future. Votes: 0