Self-love is a big part of golf. Votes: 8
I don't need politicians doing a 24-hour prayer with Oral Roberts to get our country back on track. Votes: 0
Harry Reid is not funny; he's creepy. Nancy Pelosi is creepy. Charles Schumer is sneaky and creepy. Votes: 0
Glenn Beck has Nazi Tourettes'. Votes: 0
Macs are not intuitive. It's intuitive to the person who created it. It's not intuitive to me. Votes: 0
It's a privilege to pay taxes. Yeah! It's not a political question, folks. We have to pay for stuff. Votes: 0
There should be a law that you can't shut down the government - that you don't have that power. Votes: 0
Everybody's got cable. Votes: 0
I feel the need to scream, and even if the scream is not answered, I find my sanity in the echo. Votes: 0
If I wanted to be bored by 6,000 pages of unreadable dreck, I'd read War and Peace four times. Votes: 0
I'm a selfish, little pig of a man. Votes: 0
It's 2003. Why can't I teleport? Votes: 0
My father painted, well into his 80s, what he called hard edge abstractions.It's really cool. Votes: 0
My touring has never stopped; from the time I started doing stand-up, I've been on the road. Votes: 0
Political audiences are not fun. Votes: 0
Republicans and Democrats can barely do what they're supposed to do, and they sure can't do math! Votes: 0
Usually I'm too tired to apologize. Votes: 0
We have fossils... We win! Votes: 0
What is the difference between a Democrat and a Republican? A Democrat blows, a Republican sucks. Votes: 0
When I'm funny is when I'm angriest. Votes: 0