Life is full of horrible mistakes. Votes: 8
I don't have a brother in real life. Votes: 0
My kids used to love math. Now it makes them cry. Thanks standardized testing and common core! Votes: 0
I don't stop eating when I'm full. The meal isn't over when I'm full. It's over when I hate myself. Votes: 0
Here's how my brain works: It's stupidity, followed by self-hatred, and then further analysis. Votes: 0
God is like a shitty girlfriend. Votes: 0
I finally have the body I want. Itâs easy, actually, you just have to want a really shitty body. Votes: 0
I love stand-up more than anything, and I'm so happy to have found a way to use it in the show. Votes: 0
I was an awkward kid. Votes: 0
I watch a lot of sports. But when I'm not working, I'm with my daughters every chance I get. Votes: 0
If I owned a network, I would never let a guy just put people on without telling me who they are. Votes: 0
I'm not sure why I'm so often disgusting on stage. I don't always know where it comes from. Votes: 0
Misery is wasted on the miserable. Votes: 0