Quotes about Comedian
From 18 Comedians
created by Steven Humour http://www.stevenhumou1.cMn
"l have never been
jealous. Not even when
my dad finished fifth
grade a year before I
Jeff Foxworthy
"How many people here have
telekinetic powers? Raise my hand."
Emo Philips
"Now they show you how detergents take out
bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I
think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain
all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest
problem. Maybe you should get rid of the
body before you do the wash."
Don't knock
masturbation, it's sex
with someone I love.
"Interestingly, according to
modern astronomers, space
is infinite. This is a very
comforting thought
particularly for people who
can never remember where
they have left things."
Jerry Seinfeld
"I'm not against half
naked girls - not as
often as lid like to be."
Benny Hill
"If you ever see me
getting beaten by the
police, put down the
video camera and
come hel me."
Bobcat Goldthwait
David Letterman
A girl
phoned me
the other day
and said...
Come on over,
there's
nobody home.
I went over.
Nobody was
home.
"People say
New Yorkers
can't get along.
Not true. I saw
two New
Yorkers,
complete
strangers,
sharing a cab.
One guy took
the tires and the
radio; the other
guy took the
engine."
Woody Allen
"l told my psychiatrist
that everyone hates me.
He said I was being
ridiculous - everyone
hasn't met me yet."
"l was
such an ugly
kid - When I
played in the
sandbox, the
cat kept
covering me
up"
Rodney Dangerfield
We had gay burglars the other
night. They broke in and rearranged
the furniture.
Robin Williams
Have you ever noticed? Anybody going
slower than you is an idiot, and anyone
going faster than you is a maniac.
First you forget
names, then you forget
faces. Next you forget
to pull your zipper up
and finally, you forget
to pull it down.
Happiness is
having a large,
loving, caring,
close-knit family
in another city.
George Carlin
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother,
she started walking five miles a day when
she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't
know where the hell she is.
George Burns
Ellen Degeneres
"I'd kill for a Nobel
Peace Prize"
Steven Wright
"l went into a
McDonald's
yesterday and said,
- "lid like some fries."
The girl at the
counter said, "Would
you like some fries
with
Jay Leno
I owe it all to little
chocolate donuts.
John Belushi
"Everything is within walking
distance if you have time."
Women now have
choices. They can be
married, not married,
have a job, not have a
job, be married with
children, unmarried
with children. Men
have the same choice
we've always had:
work, or prison.
Tim Allen
"A study in the
Washington
Post says that
women have
better verbal
skills than men.
I just want to
say to the
authors of that
study: Duh."
Conan O'Brien
Black people dominate
sports in the United States. 20%
of the population and 90% of the
final four. We own this shit.
Basketball, baseball, football,
golf, tennis, and as soon as they
make a heated hockey rink we'll
take that shit too.
Chris Rock
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My girlfriend and I
made our "lists" of
people we're allowed to
sleep with.
She chose Brad Pitt, -
David Beckham &
Channing Tatum.
1 chose "UPS girl,"
"girl at Starbucks"
and "FedEx girl.'
What sucks is that we
probably have the same
odds.
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Most people
work just hard enough
not to get fired and
get paid just enough money
not to quit
— George Carlin
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manager used to
say "the most
important part
of your uniform,
is your smile."
Until the day 1
forgot to wear
pants.
Adam Cozens
@Adam_Cozens
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marriages end in failure.
If you were going
skydiving and they told
you three out of four
parachutes won't open,
would you still fucking
jump?
Bill Burr
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From 18 Comedians
by Steven Humur http://www.ste-venhumour.cwn
"l have never been
jealous. Not even when
my dad finished fifth
grade a year before I
did."
Jeff Foxworthy
"How many people here have
telekinetic powers? Raise my hand."
Emo Philips
"Now they show you how detergents take out
bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I
think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain
all Over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest
problem. Maybe you should get rid Of the
body before you do the wash."
"Interestingly, according to
modern astronomers, space
is infinite. This is a very
comforting thought
particularly for people who
can never remember where
they have left things."
Jerry Seinfeld
"I'm not against half
naked girls - not as
often as I'd like to be."
Benny Hill
"If you ever see me
getting beaten by the
police, put down the
video camera and
come hel me."
Bobcat Goldthwait
David Letterman
Don't knock
masturbation, it's sex
with someone I love.
A girl
phoned me
the other day
and said...
Come on over,
there's
nobody home.
I went over.
Nobody was
home.
"People say
New Yorkers
can't get along.
Not true. I saw
two New
Yorkers,
complete
strangers,
sharing a cab.
One guy took
the tires and the
radio; the other
guy took the
engine."
Woody Allen
"l told my psychiatrist
that everyone hates me.
He said I was being
ridiculous - everyone
hasn't met me yet."
"l was
such an ugly
kid - When I
played in the
sandbox, the
cat kept
covering me
up"
Rodney Dangerfield
Have you ever noticed? Anybody going
slower than you is an idiot, and anyone
going faster than you is a maniac.
We had gay burglars the other
night. They broke in and rearranged
the furniture.
Robin Williams
First you forget
names, then you forget
faces. Next you forget
to pull your zipper up
and finally, you forget
to pull it down.
Happiness is
having a large,
loving, caring,
close-knit family
in another city.
George Carlin
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother,
she started walking five miles a day when
she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't
know where the hell she is.
George Burns
Ellen Degeneres
"lid kill for a Nobel
Peace Prize"
Steven Wright
went into a
McDonald's
yesterday and said,
"I'd like some fries."
The girl at the
counter said, "Would
you like some fries
with that?""
Jay Leno
I owe it all to little
chocolate donuts.
John Belushi
"Everything is within walking
distance if you have time."
Women now have
choices. They can be
married, not married,
have a job, not have a
job, be married with
children, unmarried
with children. Men
have the same choice
we've always had:
work, or prison.
Tim Allen
"A study in the
Washington
post says that
women have
better verbal
skills than men.
I just want to
say to the
authors of that
study: Duh."
Black people dominate
sports in the United States.
Of the population and 90% Of the
final four. We own this shit.
Basketball, baseball, football,
golf, tennis, and as soon as they
make a heated hockey rink we'll
take that shit too.
Chris Rock
Conan O'Brien
helpful
non helpful
you don't have to go
to work, but also
canlt go out to do
anything fun,
it's basically a
Jewish holiday.
@Adam_Newman
, yKVNNiv)
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non helpful
just because someone else
wants you to, or because
it's easy; you won't be happy.
You have to do what you
really, really, really, really
want to do, even if it
scares the shit out of you."
Kristen Wiig
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non helpful
ISN'T CORRECT AND IT
ISN'T ACCURATE, EVEN. IT'S
JUST A MESS. SO THAT'S THE
WAY THAT I APPROACH IT."
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non helpful
just because someone else
wants you to, or because
it's easy; you won't be happy.
You have to do what you
really, really, really, really
want to do, even if it
scares the shit out of you."
Kristen Wiig
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non helpful
in yoga gant& and we meet eyes 1 feel line we
atways have the same mental exchange:
-you're going to 100k back and stare at my ass
arent you?"
"Whatprmnot-
proud of it-—
-you. are such a ng-
-you ton this decjsjon tromme
as soon as vou got dre#d"
twitter.comlSteveBComedy
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Quotes
helpful
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birthday
devestated3Now, if somebody toldxmec!you'rezz
my wedding."Zl'd bélike "0hCfiö3'
Anythingbutathat: If I can't go to, yournwedding„l
mighTåÄWélijust take a bath with th&bastéöl
don't'hayeto Såy for you*'
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THAIS REALLY THE
ATTITUDE THAT KEEPS
A FAMILY TOGETHER
ITS NOT WE LOVE EACH OTHER
ITS JUST 'FUCK IT, MAN "
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non helpful
friend told me to do the noncom tricr. It you
What that its When aman sticks
his Denis into a bag ot noncom to trick a girl into
touching his Denis in achange tor some ot that
It'S the definition o' dating.
"you're on a date with the girl that
blß across a penis in her food and wants to
she's probably the type ot girl that
I epe athandj0b ilyoujustaskpolitew.
JetfArcuri
@JettreArcuri
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FIRST TIME.
IT WAS mso TALKED
TO A DADDY LONGLIE*BPUT GLOBAL
WARMING. -
wunny.ce
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THAIS REALLY THE
ATTITUDE THAT KEEPS
A FAMILY TOGETHER
ITS NOT WE LOVE EACH OTHER
ITS JUST 'FUCK IT, MAN
LOUIS CK
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The woman who called asked,
"Is this Ross?"
I said,
"NO this is Joey,
How you doin?"
She hung up on me.
So much for trying to be Friends.
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than him, and he got mad at me.
I said, 'of course rm funnier than you. I'm
a professional comedian.'
He said, 'you're a douche.'
I said, 'I am a douche. But that's just
because after I fuck your mom,
she smells better.'
@SteveHofstetter
Download Steve's album free at SteveHofstetter.com
helpful
non helpful
previous marriage. They don't see
their real dad and I love them like
they are my own...
but they think I'm a dick and say
mean shit to me.
The oldest said to me once "I hate
you and I've always hated you!"
In her defense I did ask her to re •l
the Brita pitcher so I probably h
coming.
@billsquire
watch my jokes on youtube.com/billsquire
it
I LAUGHING
a snxoue COME" SHOW 0' REDDIT
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meeze
off woman's hair...
NEWS.
BIGFOO
Outraged :
KEPT
LUMBERJACK.
AS LOVE SLAVE
'LONG-TONGUE COUPLE
DIVORCE STUNNER!
Yffff1WlWIW!!!!!
WE FOUND DOVE
IN A SOAPLESS PLACE
EIRINGE
I am so busy doing nothing... that
the idea of doing anything — which
as you know. always leads to
something — cuts into the nothing
and then forces me to have to
drop everything.
People who read the tabloids
deserve to be lied to
Now they show you how detergents
take out bloodstains. a pretty violent
image there. I think if you've got a
T—shirt with a bloodstain all over ft.
maybe laundry isnt your biggest
problem-maybe you should get rid
of the body before you do the
wash.
You know you're getting old when
you get that one candle on the
cake. IE like. "See if you can blow
this out."
Somebodyjust gave ræ a shower
radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really
want music in the shower? I
guess there's no better place to
dance than a slick surface next
to a glass door.
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non helpful
ISN'T CORRECT AND IT
ISN'T ACCURATE, EVEN. IT'S
JUST A MESS. SO THAT'S THE
WAY THAT I APPROACH IT."
helpful
non helpful
The woman who called asked,
"Is this Ross?"
I said,
"No this is Joey,
How you doin?"
She hung up on me.
So much for trying to be Friends.
@itsshanesmith
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non helpful
point, when you've
stayed single too
long, that your brain
switches from "No,
don't say that" to
k it. Say it,
see hat happens."
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Whenever you leave
behind failure that
means you're doing
better.
If you think every-
thing you've done has
been great, you're
probably dumb.
- Louis CK
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Once you realize what a joke everything is, being the Comedian is the only thing that makes sense. Votes: 5
Alan MooreAs much experience, education and awareness as one can attain is important for a comedian. Votes: 3
Shelley BermanEverything is changing. People are taking their comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke. Votes: 3
Will RogersThe real good comedians, like Chaplin, would make you laugh and a second later, cry Votes: 3
Martin LandauThe test of a real comedian is whether you laugh at him before he opens his mouth. Votes: 3
George Jean NathanThere really is no Johnny Carson anymore. There is no one place a comedian can appear and explode. Votes: 3
Tom LeykisThe role of a comedian is to make the audience laugh, at a minimum of once every fifteen seconds. Votes: 3
Lenny BruceI was influenced by every comedian I ever saw work. That's the only way you learn how to do it. Votes: 3
Bob NewhartI think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately. Votes: 3
George Carlin[Adoption] could turn you into an exquisite comedian. Ask Richard Pryor's ghost. Votes: 0
Keegan-Michael KeyI've always thought of myself as an African-American comedian, African-American man, everything. Votes: 0
Jordan PeeleInside was the second LP album of a comedian's performance before an audience. Votes: 0
Shelley BermanI think it's a comedian's job to make everything funny. Nothing is off-limits. Votes: 0
Donald GloverIt's a letdown if the comedian doesn't finally actually really sit on his hat. Votes: 0
Kingsley AmisLike the burlesque comedian, I am abnormally fond of that precision which creates movement. Votes: 0
e. e. cummingsA comedian who starts talking to himself becomes his own audience. This is fatal. Votes: 0
Fred AllenI started out as a stand-up comedian. And that's what I'm most comfortable doing. Votes: 0
Eddie MurphyImagine the Creator as a low comedian, and at once the world becomes explicable. Votes: 0
H. L. MenckenAs a comedian you are making yourself vulnerable in order to make others happy. Votes: 0
Margaret ChoI think having an outsider's viewpoint is interesting and good, especially for a comedian. Votes: 0
Paul MertonWhat I say is stupid. Who takes a comedian seriously? I'm doing sophisticated knock-knock jokes. Votes: 0
Carlos MenciaThe greatest comedian I've ever seen is Jack Benny. He wasn't afraid of the silences. Votes: 0
Bob NewhartThere's something about being a parent that has, I think, made me a better comedian. Votes: 0
Jim GaffiganI'm not a comedian. I'm an actor who just happens to be funny on occasion. Votes: 0
Anthony AndersonThe key to comedy is commitment - if you're afraid, you shouldn't be a comedian. Votes: 0
Nick SwardsonI've often heard it said a preacher might learn with a comedian for a teacher. Votes: 0
Johann Wolfgang von GoetheI've been a comedian since I was fourteen. But I've never really been a CEO. Votes: 0
Dave ChappelleAny comedian who tells you how dark and dangerous they are, they're not dark and dangerous. Votes: 0
Patton OswaltTwitter makes you a comedian in the same way that digital cameras make you a photographer Votes: 0
Ken JenningsUltimately, an audience wants to laugh. That's who they like, the comedian who makes them laugh. Votes: 0
Ted AlexandroComedy is a noble art. And every comedian who does anything is serving a noble purpose. Votes: 0
Margaret ChoBeing a professional comedian is doing it right and good, when you don't feel like it. Votes: 0
Franklyn AjayeI really loved what I was doing being creative and being funny as a stand-up comedian. Votes: 0
Chris TuckerI don't consider myself a comedian because I don't really concern myself too much with jokes. Votes: 0
Paul RuddMy only goal as a comedian was to stomp the life out of the model-minority myth. Votes: 0
Eddie HuangI became a comedian because I didn't want to be bullied anymore. Onstage I was safe. Votes: 0
Margaret ChoI'm not a professional comedian. Nobody comes to my comedy shows. That's just a little hobby. Votes: 0
David ReesI don't do too many jokes about current affairs, because almost every comedian always does that. Votes: 0
Bruce BruceI'm best known as a stand-up comedian, but I'm a good actor in the right role. Votes: 0
Marcus BrigstockeI'm an entertainer, not a commentator. If you're a comedian your job is to make people laugh. Votes: 0
Johnny CarsonI want to show people that there's a side of myself other than just the outrageous comedian. Votes: 0
Sam KinisonI was so keen to become a comedian that actually doing the comedy itself almost came second. Votes: 0
Jack DeeI'm glad I'm a comedian. Otherwise, my life would just be a series of undocumented low points. Votes: 0
Kyle KinaneMy interest in magic was kindled by Steve Martin, the comedian I'd gone to high school with. Votes: 0
Gary McCordA comedian can only last till he either takes himself serious or his audience takes him serious. Votes: 0
Will RogersI'm not a comedian, but I love the comedians who know when to get off the stage. Votes: 0
Topher GraceI better start doing stand up comedy in Spanish before every comedian in Mexico translates my jokes. Votes: 0
Felipe EsparzaOnce you become a comedian, you accept that people are just going to yell stuff at you. Votes: 0
Aziz AnsariI'm a comedian, which is the opposite of a lifestyle that equips you to be a parent. Votes: 0
Jim GaffiganI love music. I've always wanted to do music, even when I started out as a comedian. Votes: 0
Jamie FoxxI started as a stand-up comedian. I wanted to be Carol Burnett when I was growing up. Votes: 0
Stephanie MillerAs a comedian, you're kind of like a blues musician; you have to live a little bit. Votes: 0
Kevin NealonThey all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now. Votes: 0
Bob MonkhouseI think humor is important for all of us, and a great comedian is a great treasure. Votes: 0
Leila JosefowiczA comedian's body is funny as well as his mind being funny, his whole personage is funny. Votes: 0
Bobby DarinThe role of the comedian is to say 'Wait a minute' when a consensus starts to form. Votes: 0
Bill HicksTo me, seeing a really great comedian is a bit like watching a musician or a poet. Votes: 0
Dick GregoryTo tell you the truth, I always wanted to be a sketch comedian and a comedy actor. Votes: 0
Artie LangeIâm a ridiculous person. If you take anything any comedian says seriously, then youâre stupid. Votes: 0
Chelsea HandlerI'm not a comedian. I don't make things funny if they're not funny. I don't invent funny stuff. Votes: 0
Morgan FreemanThe first thing any comedian does on getting an unscheduled laugh is to verify the state of his . Votes: 0
W. C. FieldsA comedian's a comedian. They're a very kind of cynical bunch. I guess that's why I like them. Votes: 0
Graham NortonI've never tried to pass myself off as anything more than a comedian who wrote a dating book. Votes: 0
Greg BehrendtI like seeing what the comedian thinks is funny, not just what they think I'll think is funny. Votes: 0
Anthony JeselnikMany comedians - both male and female - do have an "I will never date another comedian" rule. Votes: 0
Chris GethardIf you can't write your own material, you have very little chance of making it as a comedian. Votes: 0
Rodney DangerfieldAs a comedian I appreciate every kind of comedy. You decide for yourself what you're going to do. Votes: 0
Jeff FoxworthyWithout the laughs, the audience wouldn't be there at all, so in that sense, yes, I am a comedian. Votes: 0
George CarlinBeing a rapper is about being cool, but being a comedian, you're not supposed to be the coolest guy. Votes: 0
Aziz AnsariSomeone who makes you laugh is a comedian. Someone who makes you think and then laugh is a humorist. Votes: 0
George BurnsIâm a comedian who got into movies, so I donât really think of myself as an actor. Votes: 0
Eddie MurphyA comedian needs to have his own filters, needs to know his audience, how far he can push things. Votes: 0
Jeff DunhamI'm not a comedy writer, I'm a comedian, so I only write stuff that I would want to say. Votes: 0
Anthony JeselnikI realize how desperate it sounds for me, as a comedian, to ask you to laugh at my jokes. Votes: 0
John OliverOh yeah, I'd love to be a comedian. I've done a lot, but always in the confines of plays. Votes: 0
Michael GambonI was a stand-up comedian for 10 years, if you can believe it. And I gave it up at age 22. Votes: 0
Samm LevineIf I want to keep working as an actor, I'm going to become a comedian who does fart jokes. Votes: 0
Peter SarsgaardAm I the Irish comedian with half a finger? No, I'm the Irish comedian with nine and a half fingers. Votes: 0
Dave AllenIf Jay spent as much time studying as he does trying to be a comedian, he'd be a big star. Votes: 0
Jay LenoI never wanted to be a magician. I never wanted to be a comedian. I never wanted to be onstage. Votes: 0
Penn JilletteI have not moved out of the comedian's box into the news box. The news box is moving towards me. Votes: 0
Jon StewartI never really thought of myself as a sex goddess; I felt I was more a comedian who could dance. Votes: 0
Rita HayworthI wanted to be a comedian, and this is what I'm doing. If I can keep this going, I'm happy. Votes: 0
Gabriel IglesiasI told them I wanted to be a comedian, and they laughed; I became a comedian, no one's laughing now Votes: 0
Bob MonkhouseOne of my first jobs was on a lesbian cruise. I was the ship comedian for the Lesbian Love Boat. Votes: 0
Margaret ChoI come from the stage. I started my career as a stand-up comedian and then later on became an actor. Votes: 0
Patrick HuardA comedian is not a person who opens a funny door - he's the person who opens a door funny. Votes: 0
Chuck JonesLouis CK went from a writer/comedian to winning Emmys for his own show because he works his ass off. Votes: 0
Ted AlexandroI wanted to do a show based on what my life would be like if I had never become a comedian. Votes: 0
Drew CareyBeing a comedian is like being a con man. You have to make 'em like you before you can fool 'em. Votes: 0
Flip WilsonIf you want to be a comedian, go out. Do a week in Des Moines, Iowa. Try to make those people laugh. Votes: 0
Nick SwardsonIf Mandela were a comedian, I bet he would never get mad at a heckler, he'd give him or her a hug. Votes: 0
GodfreyFemale Comedian (29 quotes)
I never want to be called the funniest Indian female comedian that exists. I feel like I can go head-to-head with the best white, male comedy writers that are out there. Why would I want to self-categorize myself into a smaller group than I'm able to compete in? Votes: 2 Mindy Kaling