Cut out all these exclamation points. An exclamation point is like laughing at your own joke. Votes: 3
F. Scott FitzgeraldJoke in book:"You know the difference between a brownnoser and a shithead, right? Depth perception. Votes: 3
Elisabeth NaughtonOne should avoid carrying out an experiment requiring more than 10 per cent accuracy. Votes: 1
Walther NernstI never stopped joking around long enough to realize you weren't laughing anymore. Votes: 1
Alexandra PotterThere is no better taste than this: someone else's laughter in your mouth. Votes: 1
Maggie StiefvaterFor with dandies, a joke is the only way of making yourself respected. Votes: 1
Jules Barbey d'AurevillyJohn Locke invented common sense, and only Englishmen have had it ever since! Votes: 1
Bertrand RussellWhat is the meaning of having more than one wife when threesome is not allowed? Votes: 1
M.F. MoonzajerNo man should marry until he has studied anatomy and dissected at least one woman. Votes: 1
Honore de BalzacAnyone else find it funny that Bernie Madoff's last name is a homophone of 'made-off'? Votes: 1
David C. HolleyLife's too short to take yourself seriously, and too long to take a wife jokingly. Votes: 1
Jarod KintzFor the advice in a joke is sometimes more useful than the most serious teaching. Votes: 1
Baltasar GracianHoney, no offense, but sometimes I think I could shoot you and watch you kick. Votes: 1
Raymond CarverI'm a Neuroscientist.- What's that? What do you study?- I study your brain! Votes: 1
Vardan HambardzumyanIf Yo Mama and Yo Daddy got a divorce, they'd still be brother and sister. Votes: 1
Oliver Oliver ReedIf a black black cat crosses your path, it suggests that the animal is going somewhere. Votes: 1
M.K. BhuttaPerhaps you are Coyote in disguise and have chosen a spectacularly inappropriate time for a joke. Votes: 1
Brandon NoltaIt's just that I was thinking you don't ride in that truck of yours, you wear it. Votes: 1
Stephen KingMy old man taught me to never trust anything that bleeds for three days and doesn't die. Votes: 1
Tommy TranAsia is an entertainment, Europe is a dream, America is an imprisonment and Rest is a nightmare. Votes: 1
Santosh KalwarChuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn't nearly foolish enough to attack him. Votes: 1
Oliver Oliver ReedBut that's why you pay for insurance, right? If you never file a claim, then they've beaten you. Votes: 1
Jonathan TropperMake it dark, make it grim, make it tough, but then, for the love of God, tell a joke. Votes: 1
Joss Whedon-a Jew had to have two synagogues. One that he went to, one that he rejected.The Butcher's Theater Votes: 1
Jonathan KellermanPuns are just another form of sarcasm, which may or may not make you - smile, giggle, or laugh. Votes: 1
Aniruddha SastikarWe end up kissing her for an hour, and her lips are so soft they are almost like a joke. Votes: 1
Aimee BenderPeople tell me I look like my father. I've never seen my dad, so does that mean I look invisible? Votes: 1
Jarod KintzWhy do we have to humiliate someone to crack a joke??? Do what u would like people to do with u.. Votes: 1
honeyaExistentialists are monumentally and monotonously serious; they don't like to joke. Votes: 0
Wislawa SzymborskaAdvice is sometimes transmitted more successfully through a joke than grave teaching. Votes: 0
Baltasar GracianGracious dying is a huge, macabre and expensive joke on the American public. Votes: 0
Jessica MitfordVisual supervision is a joke for development workers. Visual supervision is for prisoners. Votes: 0
Tom DeMarcoPriests were metal-reinforced overshoes. They saved your soles. This is an Assassin joke. Votes: 0
Terry PratchettCartooning is about deconstruction: you gotta tear something down to make a joke. Votes: 0
Berkeley BreathedBritish politics, as the world knows, is a joke. Yet it's rarely funny. Votes: 0
Steven Patrick MorrisseyI always thought my genitals were the result of some crude practical joke. Votes: 0
Steven MorrisseyHis whole personality was like an elaborate joke that he never stopped telling. Votes: 0
Lev GrossmanA person reveals his character by nothing so clearly as the joke he resents. Votes: 0
Georg C. LichtenbergA person reveals his character by nothing so clearly as the joke he resents. Votes: 0
Georg Christoph LichtenbergEven evangelicals realize that Pinocchio's father was a carpenter too. That's the old joke. Votes: 0
Robin WilliamsI always joke that I'm a British actress trying to break into Scandinavian TV. Votes: 0
MyAnna BuringEverybody doesn't have to get every joke. People really appreciate not being condescended to. Votes: 0
Matt GroeningWhat other culture could have produced someone like Hemmingway and not seen the joke? Votes: 0
Gore VidalA good mathematical joke is better, and better mathematics, than a dozen mediocre papers. Votes: 0
John Edensor LittlewoodWhat other culture could have produced someone like Hemingway and not seen the joke? Votes: 0
Gore VidalTelevison allows thousands of people to laugh at the same joke and still remain alone. Votes: 0
Bertrand RussellMy family joke that I'm really a very senior person who accidentally happens to be 11. Votes: 0
Adora SvitakI always joke and say I want to invent a comfortable stiletto and then retire. Votes: 0
Sara Blakely[Bobby Tom] finally understood Gracie's function in his life. She was God's joke on him. Votes: 0
Susan Elizabeth PhillipsThe joke is the purest, most essential form of storytelling. Every word has to count. Votes: 0
Paul AusterThat's the joke about confinement pigs: they taste like whatever sauce you cook them with. Votes: 0
Joel SalatinI get so happy when I write a joke. It's a very satisfying, liberating feeling. Votes: 0
Rita RudnerThe joke I always make about myself is that I'm self-involved, but I'm not vain. Votes: 0
Lena DunhamEvery joke can't be dazzling. And if you think you spotted an inconsistency, you did! Votes: 0
George MeyerIs anything wrong, dear? the old joke went. No, why? You moved. Just don't move. Votes: 0
Margaret AtwoodI always joke with people that having nephews is the best birth control there is. Votes: 0
Tahj MowryMy chicken ain't no joke. I ain't scared to go up against the Colonel, tastewise. Votes: 0
Flavor FlavThat sun is lookin' good... and hot! Get it? Hilarious! My joke writers are awesome. Votes: 0
Tom BergeronI used to joke that if acting didn't work out, poetry was my commonsense fallback. Votes: 0
Merritt WeverWe didn't choose the joke because it's filthy! We chose it because of the structure! Votes: 0
Paul Provenza30 Rock' is probably one of my favorite shows. It's just joke after joke after joke. Votes: 0
Alison BrieThree women walk into a pub and say, `Hooray, we've colonised a male-dominated joke format' Votes: 0
Bill BaileyThere is nothing in the world so incomprehensible as the joke we do not see. Votes: 0
Agnes RepplierIf you work at comedy too laboriously, you can kill what's funny in the joke. Votes: 0
Richard RussoIf you can't laugh at yourself, you may be missing the colossal joke of the century. Votes: 0
Barry HumphriesAfter a while, a joke, if you say it too much, just becomes contrived, or fake-sounding. Votes: 0
Dave ChappelleAny private security is a joke in a country where you're up against your own government. Votes: 0
Bidzina IvanishviliOne should never use exclamation points in writing. It is like laughing at your own joke. Votes: 0
Mark TwainI'm more interested to show the darkest places of myself, and I don't joke about it. Votes: 0
Pedro AlmodovarWHEN YOU CANNOT JOKE ABOUT THE DARKNESS OF LIFE, THATâS WHEN THE DARKNESS TAKES OVER. Votes: 0
Amanda PalmerNothing reveals a man's character better than the kind of joke at which he takes offense. Votes: 0
Georg C. LichtenbergLaughter is the only tenable attitude in a universe which is a joke played on itself. Votes: 0
Peter J. CarrollWhen I make a joke, nobody gets injured... when Congress makes a joke, it's the law. Votes: 0
Will RogersMy favorite people are the ones that can make any unfunny joke hilarious by just laughing. Votes: 0
Ziad K. AbdelnourNo comedy should be longer than 90 minutes. There's no such thing as a good long joke. Votes: 0
John WatersAny private security is a joke in a country where youre up against your own government. Votes: 0
Bidzina IvanishviliThe power of women! I've never felt so full of mysterious power. Men are a joke. Votes: 0
John FowlesLife must go on, even if it's no joke...just pretend to believe in the future. Votes: 0
Louis-Ferdinand CelineAs you can tell from watching the show, I'm not a strong joke writer per se. Votes: 0
Janeane GarofaloYou have to make a joke every 10"15 minutes. It's a way of keeping up morale. Votes: 0
Silvio BerlusconiThere was the joke about Switzerland being an island surrounded by land. This was never true. Votes: 0
Samuel SchmidI'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones. Votes: 0
Mitch HedbergI like to joke with my wife that she's the CEO of... certainly of our household. Votes: 0
Scott PruettA sense of humor is the ability to understand a joke-and that the joke is oneself. Votes: 0
Clifton FadimanI come from a town of great musicians: Washington, D.C. It's no joke, that history. Votes: 0
Henry RollinsHumor is when the joke's on you but hits the other fellow first -- before it boomerangs. Votes: 0
Langston HughesAmericans do believe in progress and there is almost certainly a kernel of truth in the joke. Votes: 0
Alan DundesIf you can make it sound exciting with a joke drum machine, you know you've got something. Votes: 0
Jeff BeckAs reporters in State College, there was a joke. We used to call Penn State, the Kremlin. Votes: 0
Rodney EricksonA woman would pitch a joke. Nothing. Then a guy would pitch it and everybody would laugh. Votes: 0
Wanda SykesThe future of this nation, with the present generation, You must admit is nothing but a joke Votes: 0
Ira GershwinI always make a joke that they transplanted Martina McBride's eyes and put them in my head. Votes: 0
Blake SheltonIt would be a bitter cosmic joke if we destroy ourselves due to atrophy of the imagination. Votes: 0
Martha GellhornIt would be really hard to get serious about anything political today unless it was a joke. Votes: 0
Carla BleyI had mostly been writing humor books, and my instinct is generally to go for the joke. Votes: 0
Jory JohnI think when you dissect a joke too much, you have ruined whatever there is in comedy. Votes: 0
Bob SagetIf I made a joke about just dropping by, would you write me off as cliché? Votes: 0
Cassandra ClareIt is much easier to write a good Times leading article than a good joke in Punch. Votes: 0
Gilbert K. ChestertonIf your regime is not strong enough to handle a joke, then you don't have a regime. Votes: 0
Jon StewartI've made a lot of grown men cry with laughter, because I really am quite the joke. Votes: 0
Peta WilsonI can't imagine saying the same joke for three hours. I don't know how that would work. Votes: 0
Daniela BobadillaI'm not even really a joke-teller. I can do ad-lib and banter, but I don't do jokes. Votes: 0
Bruce ForsythThou can'st not joke an enemy into a friend, but thou may'st a friend into an enemy. Votes: 0
Benjamin FranklinA true Englishman doesn't joke when he is talking about so serious a thing as a wager. Votes: 0
Jules VerneForgive, O Lord, my little jokes on Thee, and I'll forgive Thy great big joke on me. Votes: 0
Robert FrostLife is too important to be taken as a joke, but too ridiculous to be taken seriously. Votes: 0
Ashleigh BrilliantThe essence of humour is surprise; that is why you laugh when you see a joke in Punch. Votes: 0
A. P. HerbertIt was a joke, okay? If we thought it would actually be used, we wouldn't have written it! Votes: 0
Marc AndreessenThe English had hit upon a splendid joke. They intended to catch me or to bring me down. Votes: 0
Manfred von RichthofenI don't really tell a joke per se, I build up an attitude and it becomes a joke. Votes: 0
Don RicklesHave you considered the option of getting the joke? If not, try it now and redeem your soul. Votes: 0
Erik NaggumOne nice thing about telling a clean joke is there's a good chance no one's heard it before. Votes: 0
Doug LarsonPercy wouldn't notice a joke if it danced naked in front of him wearing one of Dobby's hats. Votes: 0
J. K. RowlingTell people the truth, they laugh. The truth is so tragic they have to pretend it's a joke. Votes: 0
Lucille KallenI mean, this is a joke, to try to implicate me as like a friend of the Russians . Votes: 0
Jill SteinSometimes it's hard to tell if a joke is working or not for the first couple of minutes. Votes: 0
Dave AttellI make a joke that I'm the Internet curmudgeon, but 'wary' is a good way to put it. Votes: 0
Bill KellerTell me that I misunderstood a joke, but don't tell me that my choice of cravat is wrong. Votes: 0
David NivenSuch men as fortune raises from a mean estate to the highest elevation by way of a joke. Votes: 0
JuvenalIt's an ongoing joke that a black man is always the first one to get killed in movies. Votes: 0
J. B. SmooveBeijing residents joke that to get a free smoke all they have to do is open their windows! Votes: 0
Lee Hsien LoongIt would be a joke if the conduct of the victor had to be justified to the vanquished. Votes: 0
Napoleon BonaparteThe marvelous thing about a joke with a double meaning is that it can only mean one thing. Votes: 0
Ronnie BarkerI have a lot of funny friends, and we joke a lot, but I've never really played comedic parts. Votes: 0
Joel Kinnamanif you like the lovable sound of an asthma attack in your ear every time you tell a joke. Votes: 0
Kiera CassIt is the ability to take a joke, not make one, that proves you have a sense of humor. Votes: 0
Max EastmanYou do not respond to an attempt on your life with a slap on the hand. Or a joke. Votes: 0
Cinda Williams ChimaHalf the battle is that people have to like you before you say one joke, one bit of humor. Votes: 0
Don RicklesIf a joke is too hard to visualize, I tell the young comics, then what the hell good is it? Votes: 0
Henny YoungmanOnce you do a joke and it works it's only good for so long, like shooting fish in a barrel. Votes: 0
Bill BurrYears ago I was a runway model, and I used to get laughs. I thought it was a joke anyway Votes: 0
Nora DunnThe joke in aviation is, 'If you want to make a million, you'd better start with £10m.' Votes: 0
Bruce DickinsonI lived that life for real, so to talk about it was like a joke, you know what I mean? Votes: 0
Tone LocHonestly, I just want to keep people awake. Or at least give you one joke to go to bed with. Votes: 0
Jimmy FallonI lived that life for real, so to talk about it was like a joke, you know what I mean? Votes: 0
Tone-LocI love doing six versions of any joke, so if they'll give me six takes, I'd love to do it. Votes: 0
Ryan ReynoldsI just do my act. If people in England don't get my joke I make fun of myself for telling it.
Bill BurrWe have a marriage of people of various cultures coming together. It's not a joke. It's real.
Stevie WonderMy father was the kind of guy who'd always say 'Throw out any subject and I got a joke on it,'
Carol LeiferI could never make a joke about somebody unless I could say it to their face and they'd laugh.
Margaret ChoMen love a joke - on the other fellow. But your really humorous woman loves a joke on herself.
Mary Roberts RinehartI think it gets uncomfortable when you try to act like you didn't just tell a joke that bombed.
Bill BurrEverything serious that he says is a joke and everything humorous that he says is dead serious.
Clarence DarrowPeople don't buy a new detergent because the manufacturer told a joke on television last night.
David OgilvyAs though all the world were a bad joke and she was the only one around who knew the punchline.
Jack KetchumIf life a joke then I'm waiting for the punch. You all about the beef but me, I'm bout the bun.
Mac MillerBilly (Martin) was a great one for jokes. He liked to play a joke more than anyone I ever knew.
Mickey MantleI wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.
Mitch HedbergWhen I write, I create really absurd situations which become false because I am after the joke.
Sally PhillipsThe joke is that U2's new record only looked like a virus. Enjoy mining bitcoins for me losers.
Thom YorkeWhen I came back to America, I realized that world music is no joke, it really has a lot to it.
Zach CondonFashion has become a joke. The designers have forgotten that there are women inside the dresses.
Coco Chanel"What a joke: Tiny living entities crawling on a little planet and are thinking, "I am Great". "
Radhanath SwamiWe need to get rid of the Federal Elections Commission. It's a joke. It doesn't enforce the law.
Russ FeingoldThat's the Irish all over -- they treat a joke as a serious thing and a serious thing as a joke.
Sean O'CaseyI was going to start off tonight with an Obama joke, but I don't want to get audited by the IRS.
Jay LenoIt is a great rush to come up with a joke that gets a good response from the audience. It's gold!
Kevin NealonI've never revved my car at a light for an attractive woman or an auto-rival, not even as a joke.
Penn JilletteMama is funny. She has a great sense of humor and loves a good joke. Loves a practical joke, too.
Reba McEntireI often joke that 100 years from now I hope people are saying, 'Dang, she looks good for her age!'
Dolly PartonIn the whole of the New Testament there is not one joke, that fact alone would invalidate any book.
Friedrich NietzscheIs that a joke? Please tell me you're joking. -Sophie I never joke about carnivorous bunnies. -Luca
Rachel VincentLike Toy Story, the joke is all about exploring the secret world of these various everyday objects.
Seth RogenBecause, as we are toldâa sad old joke, tooâ Ghosts, like the ladies, never speak till spoke to.
Bill VaughanI am so happy that I married a comedy writer. He's never not without a joke. No matter where we are.
Christa MillerI always joke around with my parents and say that if Hollywood doesn't work out I'll go to Broadway!
Claudia LeeYou don't have to think really hard to get the joke. I think humor in general appeals to all people.
Dave BarryGod's great cosmic joke on the human race was requiring that men and women live together in marriage
Mark TwainBut today, I feel the genuine warmth, the affection, and although I may joke about it, I am touched.
Perry ComoI suppose every time [something bad happens], I have that instinct to make that joke that distracts.
Phoebe Waller-BridgeI sometimes joke that when I die, my tombstone will say, 'Here lies the guy who hired Jonathan Ive,'
Robert BrunnerI spent many years laughing at Harry Secombe's singing until somebody told me that it wasn't a joke.
Spike Milligan