Quotes about Jokes

The best ideas come as jokes. Make your thinking as funny as possible. Votes: 4

I would have done well as a gypsy child, I think. A circus baby. I coulda played a great street urchin or ragamuffin. Or just been one. I certainly liked entertaining people and making jokes, but I don't know necessarily if that's what your child is prone to that you should necessarily put them in a real working industry at six years old. Votes: 4

Jokes are grievances. Votes: 3

Jokes about butts WORKED. Votes: 3

Jokes are unanswerable objections. Votes: 3

Jokes are very curious things psychologically. Votes: 3

Jokes aside, let us turn to serious matters. Votes: 3

Jokes are generally honest. Complete solemnity is always dishonest. Votes: 3

Jokes? There are no jokes. The truth is the funniest joke of all. Votes: 3

Jokes have to be quite naked to be understood. They have to be quite simple. Votes: 3

Jokes that make me laugh out loud when I write them almost always bomb. I have no idea why. Votes: 3

Jokes do finish themselves. I really do see them as ongoing conversations about personal themes that I ruminate on. Votes: 3

Think your little jokes'll help you on your deathbed?" she jeered. "Jokes? No,no, these are manners," replied Dumbledore. Votes: 3

Wit is a weapon. Jokes are a masculine way of inflicting superiority. But humor is the pursuit of a gentle grin, usually in solitude. Votes: 3

You can write jokes at any point of the day. Jokes are not that hard to write, or they shouldn't be when it is literally your job. Votes: 3

Even the gods love jokes. Votes: 2

A joke's a very serious thing. Votes: 2

A joke is a very serious thing. Votes: 2

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion. Votes: 2

The crisis of today is the joke of tomorrow. Votes: 2

The shortest distance between two jokes makes a perfect speech. Votes: 2

I don't mind making jokes, but I don't want to look like one. Votes: 2

A difference of taste in jokes is a great strain on the affections. Votes: 2

I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts. Votes: 2

A serious and good philosophical work could be written consisting entirely of jokes. Votes: 2

I love life in spite of all that mars it. I love friendship, jokes and laughter. Votes: 2

Forgive, O Lord, my little jokes on Thee, and I'll forgive Thy great big joke on me. Votes: 2

Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can't predict what people will laugh at. Votes: 2

There's a certain line between jokes and music and poetry that's a bit blurred in my mind. Votes: 2

As the old joke goes, I have all the sins together. I am a woman, a Socialist, separated and agnostic. Votes: 2

The aim of a joke is not to degrade the human being, but to remind him that he is already degraded. Votes: 2

Whatever is funny is subversive, every joke is ultimately a custard pie... a dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion. Votes: 2

I grew up in an environment of jokes and sarcasm and puns. I talk that way, so I write that way. Votes: 2

I enjoy life when things are happening. I don't care if it's good things or bad things. That means you're alive. Votes: 2

I used to joke I was a point-and-click actor. My whole process has been about trusting your instincts and hitting your mark. Votes: 2

I don't care what the haters and naysayers say. If they make jokes about me, I'll laugh because they'll probably be funny. Votes: 2

I don't want to be with someone boring because I'm always laughing. I like to play jokes on people and be sarcastic. Votes: 2

You throw a perfectly straight line at the audience and then, right at the end, you curve it. Good jokes do that. Votes: 2

It is requisite for the relaxation of the mind that we make use, from time to time, of playful deeds and jokes. Votes: 2

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again. Votes: 2

I enjoy jokes, smiling, and making people smile. I may be a little different, but that's OK, who wants to be normal anyway? Votes: 2

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us. Votes: 2

Evolution has programmed our brains to find two things particularly interesting, and therefore memorable: jokes and sex - and especially, it seems, jokes about sex. Votes: 2

As comedians, we are all laughing because life is so horrible. Life is so difficult, and I cope with it by making jokes about absolutely everything. Votes: 2

People see me laughing and telling jokes, but they had no idea after the show was over, I had no joy in my life, in my heart. Votes: 2

Good jokes are gems. A good idea is hard to come by. I couldn't give them to someone else, even for money. It just wouldn't seem right. Votes: 2

I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once. Votes: 2

A humorist tells himself every morning, "I hope it's going to be a rough day." When things are going well, it's much harder to make the right jokes. Votes: 2

I was a class clown. At 12, I was definitely clowning. I was making all the jokes. But I was smart, so the teachers didn't know what to do with me. Votes: 2

Honest good humor is the oil and wine of a merry meeting, and there is no jovial companionship equal to that where the jokes are rather small and laughter abundant. Votes: 2

In black neighborhoods, everybody appreciated comedy about real life. In the white community, fantasy was funnier. I started looking for the jokes that were equally hilarious across the board, for totally different reasons. Votes: 2

People may think I'm trying something new by telling stories, but they're just jokes connected to give the illusion of stories. But really, I just continue using my imagination and creating. That's what I do. Votes: 2

Jokes rot. They're not like songs. I always envy singers - Sting is always going to sing 'Roxanne'. But people want to hear new jokes. I've written jokes as good as 'Roxanne', I believe. But I can't tell them again. Votes: 2

When I hit the scene, there was Billy Connolly and Max Boyce. It was all mother-in-law and Irish jokes, and we broke the mould. Now there are thousands of comedians out there, and I don't think I can be above it all. Votes: 2

I'm standing behind a wall of jokes. You don't know about my personal life, my girlfriends, or what I do when I'm not on the road. There's this guy, this comedian, and this is how he thinks, but people really don't know anything about me. Votes: 2

The wrong kind of guy to fall in love with is the guy who will let go of the steering wheel as a joke. A guy who finds it amusing to make you uncomfortable, which is more common than you'd think, is someone you want to avoid. Votes: 2

With the Tonys it's a little tricky because a lot of the funnier jokes are more insider, so people watching at home may not get a Julie Taymor reference the way that New Yorkers would. So you have to figure out what comedy plays to a large audience and still respect the individuals who are there. Votes: 2

I don't like any one race or look or type of guy. My tastes as far as looks go are very diverse. I like guys with scruffy beards and leather jackets, but I also like a clean-cut 'GQ'-type guy, so my tastes are very ranged among somebody who laughs at my dumb jokes, too. I have plenty of them. Votes: 2

I did a 'Last Comic Standing' audition in 2006, where you're just performing for three people in a comedy club, in a big comedy club, and I remember them cutting me off, asking about my name in the middle of one of my jokes. Yeah, it's just real weird when you're doing stand-up in that type of sterile, unnatural setting. Votes: 2

You can't build a plot out of jokes. You need tragic relief. And you need to let people know that when a lot of frightened people are running around with edged weaponry, there are deaths. Stupid deaths, usually. I'm not writing 'The A-Team' - if there's a fight going on, people will get hurt. Not letting this happen would be a betrayal. Votes: 2

If I hadn't been told I was garbage, I wouldn't have learned how to show people I'm talented. And if everyone had always laughed at my jokes, I wouldn't have figured out how to be so funny. If they hadn't told me I was ugly, I never would have searched for my beauty. And if they hadn't tried to break me down, I wouldn't know that I'm unbreakable. Votes: 2

I love my lecture tours. I get up onstage. I have my stack of books and a glass of water and a microphone. No podium, no distance between me and the audience, and I just talk to people and get all excited and tell a lot of jokes, and sing some songs, and read from my work and remind people how powerful they are and how beautiful they are. Votes: 2

I tell very mean jokes. Votes: 0

I prefer sayings over jokes. Votes: 0

Don't make jokes about food. Votes: 0

The wind likes making jokes! Votes: 0

Fate does not play jokes. Votes: 0

A civil servant doesn't make jokes. Votes: 0

Round-heads and Wooden-shoes are standing jokes. Votes: 0

All crises, once averted, become jokes. Votes: 0

God's jokes are the soul's curriculum. Votes: 0

Neil Hamburger writes such cutting jokes. Votes: 0

Most jokes state a bitter truth. Votes: 0

Another day gone and no jokes. Votes: 0

I'm really bad at writing jokes. Votes: 0

I tell the most horrible jokes. Votes: 0

My whole life, I've been telling jokes. Votes: 0

Really, I'm pretty laid-back, always cracking jokes. Votes: 0

jokes are used to hide the truth! Votes: 0

I'm a joke comic. I tell jokes. Votes: 0

I make jokes. That's what I do. Votes: 0

I enjoy life. I always enjoy jokes. Votes: 0

You can't just yell jokes at people. Votes: 0

Be nice to everyone and tell jokes. Votes: 0

You don't make stupid jokes in art. Votes: 0

I tell jokes to pay my green fees. Votes: 0

Everybody tells jokes, but we still need comedians. Votes: 0

Gratuitous fat jokes always hurt, no matter what. Votes: 0

Sometimes people get passionate about the obscure jokes. Votes: 0

I could never sit down and write jokes. Votes: 0

Make jokes. No stress. Love. Live Life. Proceed. Progress. Votes: 0

I don't do jokes. The characters are my jokes. Votes: 0

I'm not a man who constantly thinks up jokes Votes: 0

Granting our wish is one of Fate's saddest jokes. Votes: 0

For every ten jokes you acquire a hundred enemies. Votes: 0

Why can't women tell jokes? Because we marry them! Votes: 0

I'm an environmentalist. Most of my jokes are recycled. Votes: 0

Cougar jokes are now as hackneyed as airplane food. Votes: 0

My favourite things are jokes, friendliness and feeling comfortable. Votes: 0

I can't crack jokes because I don't have any. Votes: 0

I'm a plethora of stolen jokes and kitschy references. Votes: 0

These jokes the world plays, they're not funny at all. Votes: 0

I'm not really very funny, I just keep recycling jokes. Votes: 0

Hopefully, underlying all my jokes is an element of surprise. Votes: 0

I'm offended by political jokes. Too often they get elected. Votes: 0

All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me. Votes: 0

Lincoln loved other people's jokes as much as his own. Votes: 0

Mathematics is a collection of cheap tricks and dirty jokes. Votes: 0

My whole family is very sarcastic and constantly making jokes. Votes: 0

It's much easier to make jokes about not having kids. Votes: 0

You shouldn't make jokes if it makes you so unhappy. Votes: 0

The inside jokes weren't jokes anymore. they had become stories Votes: 0

I've never really told jokes. I'm not good at it. Votes: 0

I love telling myself jokes. I think I'm a riot. Votes: 0

Different taste in jokes is a great strain on the affections. Votes: 0

I like a President who tells jokes instead of appointing them. Votes: 0

I don't really care for, like, fat jokes about women, specifically. Votes: 0

Fate seemed to be playing a series of extraordinarily unamusing jokes. Votes: 0

Whenever I'm sick, my doctor jokes that I have Beiber Fever! Votes: 0

I secrete jokes like the pancreas secretes... whatever the pancreas secretes. Votes: 0

Writing good jokes requires effort. Think I'll just start dressing funnier. Votes: 0

I really like being able to laugh at my own jokes. Votes: 0

Beware of jokes from which we go away hollow and ashamed. Votes: 0

Most of my jokes are racist - usually about the Irish. Votes: 0

The Crimean War is one of the bad jokes of history. Votes: 0

I don't care if my jokes are appropriate for a kid. Votes: 0

I never write jokes, I just try to make myself laugh. Votes: 0

I love to write jokes and that's all I think about. Votes: 0

Come. We must go deeper with no justice and no jokes. Votes: 0

A world is in flames, and you are cracking silly jokes. Votes: 0

I do jokes about what's funny, and both sides are funny. Votes: 0

I'm used to explaining to people why my jokes were funny. Votes: 0

I come up with my jokes by thinking of a topic. Votes: 0

Sure, retarded jokes write themselves. But the spelling is always way off. Votes: 0

I've always been 'ethnic friend,' without any serious moments, all jokes. Votes: 0

I tell jokes for a check; I'm on TV for a check. Votes: 0

You achieve the surreal jokes through the realism by making it elastic. Votes: 0

Johnny Carson started the jokes about me and Marlin in his monologues. Votes: 0

A surprising amount of my jokes sound very implausible but are true. Votes: 0

I'm a fun person. I like cracking jokes and being completely nerdy. Votes: 0

All day my mind drifts off into fantasies and little stupid jokes. Votes: 0

The trouble with practical jokes is that very often they get elected. Votes: 0

Times change. The farmer's daughter now tells jokes about the traveling salesman. Votes: 0

My way of fitting in was through jokes and making people laugh. Votes: 0

I'm really bad with jokes. I would have to say Limp Bizkit. Votes: 0

My daddy. He's so funny! My whole family jokes around a lot. Votes: 0

I don't know any jokes, which is embarrassing. I wish I did. Votes: 0

God plays a lot of jokes on us to get our attention. Votes: 0

I'm still proud of a lot of my jokes when I started. Votes: 0

I like to create stuff. I like to express myself through jokes. Votes: 0

He who jokes in the executioners face can be destroyed, but never defeated. Votes: 0

People that do "bits" and "jokes" or "one-liners" are going by the wayside. Votes: 0

I've learned to have absolutely no regrets about any jokes I've ever done. Votes: 0

The mother-in-laws themselves weren't natural jokes but most comedians used to use that. Votes: 0

Everyone wants to look good in photographs, even us trolls who tell jokes. Votes: 0

I actually like jokes as well as things that are sort of fun. Votes: 0

Plato was only a Bernard Shaw who unfortunately made his jokes in Greek. Votes: 0

It's hard to enjoy practical jokes when your whole life feels like one. Votes: 0

My act's not heavy on pop culture or stories, just lots of jokes. Votes: 0

I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts. Votes: 0

I don't do politics, I don't do religion, I don't do ethnic jokes. Votes: 0

I used to wonder why people made New Jersey jokes. I don't anymore. Votes: 0

My best jokes are so cheap. All I do is say things sarcastically. Votes: 0

I don't do a lot of political jokes. Too many are getting elected. Votes: 0

Check out the very best of Hollywood jokes that will make you laugh Votes: 0

There are two kinds of jokes - funny jokes and Jack Benny jokes. Votes: 0

I just often find myself getting shrill, angry and the jokes get more incredulous. Votes: 0

Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punchline. Votes: 0

The best jokes are dangerous, and dangerous because they are in some way truthful. Votes: 0

Life likes jokes; life is constantly making jokes, even at the most inopportune moments. Votes: 0

For some reason, religious jokes seem as trivial as jokes about food or driving. Votes: 0

The shouting and opinion and jokes don't exist if there isn't first a story. Votes: 0

You know, OK, I made a few jokes and they killed 3000 Americans. Fair trade. Votes: 0

Even 'Lord of the Rings' had dwarf-tossing jokes in it. It's like, 'Really?' Votes: 0

I like to respond with jokes and to keep it as light as possible. Votes: 0

If nothing is delightful without love and jokes, then live in love and jokes. Votes: 0

If you keep making jokes like that, somebody is going to shoot you, father. Votes: 0

I love inside jokes. I hope to be a part of one some day. Votes: 0

If they invent a car that runs on stupid jokes, you could go far. Votes: 0

Bad jokes and gay marriage are destroying this country. But torture can save it. Votes: 0

That's what my books are, now that I'm a grownup - mosaics of jokes. Votes: 0

As for jokes, I don't think it's necessarily that what I write is funny. Votes: 0

I don't consider myself a comic but a performer. A comic tells bad jokes. Votes: 0

I know some of the best Dolly Parton jokes. I made 'em up myself. Votes: 0

Women are often pushed into the idea that they write softer, more character-driven jokes. Votes: 0

Fat jokes to me are always, always hilarious, as long as they're done towards yourself. Votes: 0

And there'd be no more jokes in Music-halls To mock the riddled corpses round Bapaume. Votes: 0

Please use anger for something positive like hurting people that deserve it or writing jokes. Votes: 0

If you think it's easy to write jokes about fried calamari, you've probably never tried. Votes: 0

Never, never tell jokes about a man with easy access to weapons of mass destruction. Votes: 0

I wanted to be funny. And I'm always acknowledged for my pranks and jokes nowadays. Votes: 0

You can make jokes but [ George Clooney] is everything that anyone's ever said about him. Votes: 0

I've included these little jokes and mysteries in my writing for the amusement of readers. Votes: 0

In Hollywood, it's hard to be funny, because all the big jokes are in Washington. Votes: 0

What I say is stupid. Who takes a comedian seriously? I'm doing sophisticated knock-knock jokes. Votes: 0

Family jokes, though rightly cursed by strangers, are the bond that keeps most families alive. Votes: 0

My life is passed in making bad jokes and seeing them turn into true prophecies. Votes: 0

I crack jokes and play games and that's really more my nature than being cold. Votes: 0

I do just want to do jokes. I don't want to be a divisive figure. Votes: 0

When my mother died, I had to go on air that night and do jokes. Votes: 0

A girl can tell I like her when I blush or start telling bad jokes. Votes: 0

I'm sure we, the American people, are the butt of jokes by those in power. Votes: 0

I like smart jokes, I like dumb jokes, and I like dumb jokes done smartly. Votes: 0

People make jokes about how black people are the first ones to be killed off. Votes: 0

I don't approve of political jokes; I have seen too many of them get elected. Votes: 0

Jay Leno told me once, 'Don't do jokes about things you don't know about.' Votes: 0

a short cut to matrimonial unhappiness is not to have the same taste in jokes! Votes: 0

For jokes as well as justice come in with speech. - Aslan, The Magician's Nephew Votes: 0

One thing House needs Wilson for is vanity. He needs someone to laugh at his jokes. Votes: 0

I have five boys in the family, and it's constant competition, sport, humor, and practical jokes. Votes: 0

Death meant little to me. It was the last joke in a series of bad jokes. Votes: 0

Even the people who do great jokes, [it's] always coming out of a very real place. Votes: 0

John was at his most relaxed with Ringo, who had him in stitches with his jokes. Votes: 0

I'm the youngest of four, and I'm always the clown - making the jokes, wanting attention. Votes: 0

Humor is an attitude, a survivor's way of looking at life. It's not about telling jokes. Votes: 0

If you didn't believe in objective truth, arguments would be just toys, or games, or jokes. Votes: 0

I'm not too keen on jokes that are one-liners. I want the situation to be funny. Votes: 0

I have my own gym. When you do jokes and they sell, you get a gym. Votes: 0

Comedians dissect jokes all the time. Comedians are beautiful structuralists. But ultimately it's an athletic endeavor. Votes: 0

I don't consider myself a comedian because I don't really concern myself too much with jokes. Votes: 0

In polite society one laughs at all the jokes, including the ones one has heard before. Votes: 0

I don't do too many jokes about current affairs, because almost every comedian always does that. Votes: 0

It got very tedious saying the same jokes in the same way with the same attitude. Votes: 0

It's much easier to make jokes about sensitive issues if there is some dissent, some conflict. Votes: 0

I never used to tell jokes on stage. Now I'm cutting up jokes all night long. Votes: 0

Were it not for my little jokes, I could not bear the burdens of this office. Votes: 0

I don't get up, get dressed, go out, and think, 'Okay, I gotta find eight jokes.' Votes: 0

Everyone has a sense of humor. If you don't laugh at jokes, you probably laugh at opinions. Votes: 0

A good team needs three things: the right people, the right spirit, and a couple inside jokes. Votes: 0

All the great story lines are great practical jokes that people fall for over and over again. Votes: 0

Water jokes about the obstacles on its way; wise man jokes about the obstacles on his way! Votes: 0

Everyone has a sense of humor. If you don't laugh at jokes, you probably laugh at opinions Votes: 0

I love telling stories, telling jokes, making people laugh. Ive got no plans to stop doing it. Votes: 0

It's the teenage and university crowd, so we give them lots of sex jokes and gross humour. Votes: 0

If you think something's funny, go with that. Most comedians pull jokes from a place of honesty. Votes: 0

Penn & Teller stopped doing practical jokes, and the reason is we got much too good at it. Votes: 0

I actually write some pretty tough jokes. I don't want to push the "soft" angle too much. Votes: 0

I love telling stories, telling jokes, making people laugh. I've got no plans to stop doing it. Votes: 0

I make terrible jokes every time I go into a hospital. I think it's a defence mechanism. Votes: 0

There's no harm in talking to yourself, but try to avoid telling yourself jokes you've heard before. Votes: 0

Working at the magic shop really gave me a sense of comedy because it was all jokes. Votes: 0

I like to crack the jokes now and again, but it's only because I struggle with math. Votes: 0

I like my jokes to be built on a foundation of ideas, or at least smart observations. Votes: 0

One of my biggest problems with comedy was that I did not understand some of the jokes. Votes: 0

Love: the sickest of Irony’s sick jokes. The place where logic and order go to die. Votes: 0

I'm not a racist or misogynist person, but I find these jokes funny, so I say them. Votes: 0

There is not a racist bone in my dad's body. He doesn't even laugh at distasteful jokes. Votes: 0

Shall I crack any of those old jokes, master, At which the audience never fail to laugh? Votes: 0

I better start doing stand up comedy in Spanish before every comedian in Mexico translates my jokes. Votes: 0

People have lost their sense of humor. In former times, we constantly made jokes about different races. Votes: 0

I'm not an artist. I tell inappropriate stories and jokes and I try to make people laugh. Votes: 0

I'm not even really a joke-teller. I can do ad-lib and banter, but I don't do jokes. Votes: 0

You can never have a thousand percent batting average on jokes - it's just never going to happen. Votes: 0

I've always been terrible on regular sitcoms with lots of jokes. I don't know how to tell jokes. Votes: 0

All humour is critical, you know? You make stupid jokes. I mean, stupidity is an infirmity, isn't it? Votes: 0

[The people that worked on The Simpsons] just had good taste. They knew how to execute absurd jokes. Votes: 0

Look, I know these Rick Perry jokes are a little mean, but tomorrow, he won't even remember them. Votes: 0

People appreciate it when you take some time to think about who will be listening to your jokes. Votes: 0

I'm Irish, so I'm messing all the time. Which means, I'm having a laugh. I'm always making jokes. Votes: 0

Golf is my real profession. Entertainment is just a sideline. I tell jokes to pay my greens fees. Votes: 0

I'm a Macintosh nut. I got my PowerBook, so if I'm not writing jokes, I'm working on that. Votes: 0

Most practical jokes, I'll feel too bad for the other person so I'll stop just before the punchline. Votes: 0

I shouldn't tell jokes about my wife. she's attached to a machine that keeps her alive... The refrigerator. Votes: 0

I am the illegal alien of commentary. I will do the jokes that no one else will do. Votes: 0

My memoirs are full of humor, I had to change jokes because it was a little too dark. Votes: 0

I see myself as a huge dork that laughs at my own jokes and forgets to shower sometimes. Votes: 0

Why has my motley diary no jokes? Because it is a soliloquy and every man is grave alone. Votes: 0

Zac Efron is like a brother who's just goofy and crazy. He plays a lot of practical jokes. Votes: 0

All his leisure clothes were absurd - jokes, really - as though leisure itself had to be ridiculed. Votes: 0

I think things evolve into jokes. I don't generally write them down as jokes. I talk them out. Votes: 0

What really got my goat at MGM were comedians like The Marx Brothers who never wrote their own jokes. Votes: 0

When I turned about 12 or 13, I realised that being funny wasn't about remembering jokes. It was about creating them. Votes: 0

The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know? some of these jokes just write themselves. Votes: 0

I bullshit on the phone all day with a variety of people discussing various projects, and occasionally write jokes. Votes: 0

Remember how I found you there alone in your electric chair, I told you dirty jokes until you smiled. Votes: 0

When I visited Chechnya, I was taken aback at first because people would regularly make jokes about kidnapping me. Votes: 0

The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know, some of these jokes just write themselves. Votes: 0

The government, the state, they're just objects of jokes rather than serious consideration. I can't possibly take them seriously. Votes: 0

I just want you that's it. All your flaws, mistakes, smiles, giggles, jokes, sarcasm. Everything. I just want you Votes: 0

Even if you know a character really well, there's no formula for what jokes will work and what won't. Votes: 0

I consider myself always a humorist. And I think anybody who tells jokes or makes people laugh is humor. Votes: 0

The funniest jokes you know aren't from comics but relatives, friends - from your life. That's the funniest stuff. Votes: 0

I initially signed up for Twitter just to do jokes I wasn't going to do in my stand-up routine. Votes: 0

I've never written jokes. I mean, I'll write things on a piece of paper and riff on them onstage. Votes: 0

It's really stupid to defend your own jokes. That is for other people to do if they choose to. Votes: 0

It was one of God's jokes that such a dumb mind had been put in such an eloquent body. Votes: 0

People write a lot of similar material. That's why I try to come up with the most absurd jokes. Votes: 0

I realize how desperate it sounds for me, as a comedian, to ask you to laugh at my jokes. Votes: 0

If you want anything done well, do it yourself. This is why most people laugh at their own jokes. Votes: 0

If I want to keep working as an actor, I'm going to become a comedian who does fart jokes. Votes: 0

I did see the Soul Train picture. That was interesting. I've heard all the jokes. I had it coming. Votes: 0

How can one better magnify the Almighty than by sniggering with him at his little jokes, particularly the poorer ones? Votes: 0

I like situational comedy when people are being completely serious and yet you can find something extremely funny, not jokes. Votes: 0

I think I love jokes! The best jokes are equal to the best art, in my mind, and as rare. Votes: 0

The whole experience of doing a sitcom is... Telling jokes with such precision is really exciting, but it's also terrifying. Votes: 0

I don't really write jokes. I wait for stuff to happen in life, and then I tell it on stage. Votes: 0

The main jokes in this film are about big things, love and life and zombies - we all get that. Votes: 0

When I was 14, I thought I was the coolest kid in school because I told everyone the jokes in FHM. Votes: 0

When somebody mangles one of my jokes, that bothers me more than somebody saying that I'm the worst comedian ever. Votes: 0

I have friends who are going through chemotherapy, and they make the darkest, most hideous cancer jokes you've ever heard. Votes: 0

People are writing shorter jokes. The style I've started with was almost trying to keep jokes under 140 characters before Twitter. Votes: 0

There was laughter in the back of the theater, leading to the belief that someone was telling jokes back there. Votes: 0

I hate those movies where hundreds of people get blown up and there are jokes afterward. They poison the soul. Votes: 0

You know, my first album, some of those jokes I'd done for twelve years because I couldn't throw 'em out. Votes: 0

There were many times when I kept silent about being Jewish as I got older, when Jewish jokes were told. Votes: 0

You can make a movie that's more focused on the jokes, but Young Adult was not that kind of movie. Votes: 0

We actually talked about Adam Sandler during the creation of 'Trolls,' because he does know how to time jokes. Votes: 0

I can't find someone funny whom I don't like. Hitler told great jokes. I didn't find it funny at all. Votes: 0

Billy (Martin) was a great one for jokes. He liked to play a joke more than anyone I ever knew. Votes: 0

I don't want to be 60 years old standing on stage telling some jokes. I want my life to mean something. Votes: 0

Democrats are like a big tortoise that's on its back and can't get up; you can't make jokes about that. Votes: 0

There is a kind of happiness and wonder that makes you serious. It is too good to waste on jokes. Votes: 0

My greatest regret as a writer is that I've never been able to include as many jokes as I'd like. Votes: 0

I'll be 56 this year, I've got two kids, and I think it's probably time to go back to writing one-glove jokes. Votes: 0

I make a lot of jokes about vegetarians in my act but most of them don't have the strength to protest. Votes: 0

I had a dream about you last night. The champagne was non-alcoholic. You didn't notice, and laughed at my jokes anyway. Votes: 0

I don't want to be with someone boring because I'm always laughing. I to play jokes on people and be sarcastic. Votes: 0

I don't really want to tell jokes about trivia; I'd kind of rather tell jokes about things like life and death. Votes: 0

You have to have a passionate opinion; otherwise you sound false. You end up telling the audience jokes they've already heard. Votes: 0

Artistically, I find jokes really satisfying aesthetically, because there's something great about getting an idea down to a sentence or two. Votes: 0

I'll be 50 years old tomorrow and that means, among other things, that now Bob Dole can start telling jokes about me. Votes: 0

The jokes that take my last name and equate them to a sex act ... is a really cruel thing to do. Votes: 0

I'm always ready for TV. I don't have to edit my jokes - when you work clean, you can work anywhere. Votes: 0

I guess the tone of jokes is often, at best, irreverent, but it always comes from a place of deep love. Votes: 0

I can't tell a joke to save my soul. It's just not my thing, though I love to listen to jokes. Votes: 0

My father, the practical joker, did not care for practical jokes on himself; he did not encourage the practice in me. Votes: 0

Even if its a white crowd, I tell my jokes for the four black people in the room, not the 100 whites. Votes: 0

I know these jokes aren't great, ladies and gentlemen, see this is the problem you run into when you're between impeachments. Votes: 0

I think of myself as a comedian who has the pleasure of writing jokes about things that I actually care about. Votes: 0

I'm banned from Middlebrook elementary for telling dirty jokes to the janitor. The janitor! He cleans up dirt for a living. Votes: 0

All of comedy at some level is trial-and-error, whether it's a stand-up trying out jokes or a comedy show trying stories. Votes: 0

I may make jokes about Microsoft at times, but at the same time, I think the Microsoft hatred is a disease. Votes: 0

I took my girl to dinner, and she laughed so hard at one of my jokes that she dropped her tray. Votes: 0

In Bengal, Hindus are known to crack jokes at the expense of their gods and goddesses and that's what I did. Votes: 0

If I could email my jokes to the crowd and get the same immediate response [as during stand-up], I'd do that. Votes: 0

Women are not children. We are not fragile little birds who can't cope with jokes, works of art, or controversial speakers. Votes: 0

I don't think my film style has changed. I'm doing the same kind of jokes I did when I was younger. Votes: 0

I can't defend someone else's jokes. I can only defend my jokes, and I have to live with my own jokes. Votes: 0

Sometimes, comedy and entertainment is not all about telling jokes; sometimes you just have to be you for a few moments. Votes: 0

In Bengal, Hindus are known to crack jokes at the expense of their gods and goddesses and that's what I did. Votes: 0

Almost anything makes me laugh, especially jokes at my own expense. And I will never, ever admit to being ticklish anywhere. Votes: 0

There is laughter, shrill calls. Everyone is flirting, saying in nudges and jokes and blushing what they would do in private Votes: 0

They are "sexcellent". That is a pun for you, you will find lots of puns on the internet! Also: blonde jokes. Votes: 0

I was always Armie. There couldn't be a 90-year-old Armand and a 9-day-old one. And I heard enough jokes about baking soda. Votes: 0

You can trust a Neil Simon script. Every dot. Every dash; that pause means something. He takes all the jokes out, practically. Votes: 0

Twitter taught me how to become better at writing jokes because it forces you to chip away at all the extraneous words. Votes: 0

You start out wanting to change the world through language, and end up thinking it's enough to tell a few good jokes. Votes: 0

I used to tell jokes about Internet-enabled lightbulbs. I can't tell jokes about it anymore - there already is an Internet-connected lightbulb. Votes: 0

I'd like to start with the chimney jokes - I've got a stack of them. The first one is on the house. Votes: 0

I did a club one night - the speakers were old as hell. My jokes were coming out in black and white. Votes: 0

Anything where I get to write a lot of jokes and have a lot of creative control - that's all I want. Votes: 0

The State trained us to make other people's terrible jokes work, which is the other part of the game when you're here. Votes: 0

I am a bit of a Cheap Pete, but I do spend a fortune on books and false moustaches and practical jokes. Votes: 0

I enjoy making people laugh. The trick is to tell them jokes against yourself. If you praise yourself, your stories aren't funny. Votes: 0

Levity is the lubricant of a crisis. We resort to jokes, pranks and good natured kidding to relieve tension, stress and boredom. Votes: 0

Some of those more out-there jokes were written in the wee hours of the morning. Somehow, they remained funny the next day. Votes: 0

A friend of mine jokes that I have a painstaking royalty complex. Like maybe I was a duke in a past life. Votes: 0

Humor is not a trick, not jokes. Humor is a presence in the world - like grace - and shines on everybody. Votes: 0

Any jokes I make I try to make sure it's on story and helps the characters and makes sense with the movie. Votes: 0

I've got foundation jokes, the ones that got me where I am, so everything I do just builds on top of that. Votes: 0

I was always cutting words. I even would write my jokes in my notebook. I still do this, almost like a poem. Votes: 0

A comedian is someone who tells the truth. Truth is the set of all jokes told by all comedians in the world. Votes: 0

Yes, I would say my comedy is grunge, evidenced by the fact my jokes have put an end to big-hair glam comedy. Votes: 0

Soon I learned that the worse the puns and jokes, the funnier they could be, if you knew how to deliver them. Votes: 0

I have jokes I've told before and will tell again, but my favorite part of the night is talking to the crowd. Votes: 0

I'm not a standup. I don't really have jokes. I don't have 10 minutes. It took a while for me to realize this. Votes: 0

With stand-up, there's a little bit of an exaggerated reality because things have to be manipulated to create comedy, to create jokes. Votes: 0

I wouldn't have the slightest interest in running for public office. I'd rather make jokes about politicians than become one of them. Votes: 0

Larry David finds a way to make jokes about the Holocaust. It would never have occurred to me. And it was funny. Votes: 0

I think being successful in comedy is being funny and making jokes - anything beyond that is the icing on the cake. Votes: 0

I never was shy, but as far as telling jokes, I'm the worst. I like physical comedy; it's where I feel comfortable. Votes: 0

I guess I'm like Roger Miller who used to say that he didn't have as many jokes as he thought he did. Votes: 0

I tell a lot of fart and poop jokes. I can't help it. I have no filter, and it just comes out. Votes: 0

I could never be a professional comedian, 'cause you have to keep telling the same jokes. For me, they're like word solos. Votes: 0

I used to take someone with me for the chemotherapy so I could do jokes. You always try and find something absurd. Votes: 0

All the jokes in my films, the comedy, they're not me, I just try to hold a big mirror up to us. Votes: 0

I like shorter jokes. I like fewer words. I think the more ideas there are the, the fewer words there should be. Votes: 0

It is by vivacity and wit that man shines in company; but trite jokes and loud laughter reduce him to a buffoon. Votes: 0

I keep to a minimum dialect, in-jokes about football (soccer) teams and soap opera characters, so as not to lose North American readers. Votes: 0

Looking into blood doping. I think it will allow me to write jokes with greater intensity, and for a longer period of time. Votes: 0

I got into stand-up because I love stand-up. Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punch line. Votes: 0

Everybody jokes about that old story about the world only needing five computers, but when you think about it, that's where we're heading. Votes: 0

I might do cartoonish sexual jokes, but it's my way of saying what's going on in the world. How people are animals, really. Votes: 0

That's how myths are born. Out of our carelessness, out of our tattered nerves, out of jokes that go wrong and flashy gestures. Votes: 0

I, like all artists in Western cultures, am a shaman...come in the guise of a comic...to heal perception by using...'jokes'... Votes: 0

Yes, my mom does keep making references to marriage, like all mothers do, but it's only in a lighter mood... she just jokes. Votes: 0

It seems that two of the most basic forms of comedy are jokes and stories. And, of course, they are not mutually exclusive. Votes: 0

I like the purity of stand-up because it is all about whether people laugh at your jokes. Either they laugh or they don't. Votes: 0

On the set I make jokes I can't get too involved, or it turns into sentimental soup. I try to keep it light. Votes: 0

I'm here to make people laugh and help them forget their troubles, too! So I just try to bring heart and bring jokes! Votes: 0

I think the jokes would have been a bit broader and a bit more obvious in terms of the day-to-day of country life. Votes: 0

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde. Votes: 0

When you are in a room and your job is to write jokes 10 hours a day, your mind starts going to strange places. Votes: 0

I'm not built for war. I'm built for entertainment. I'm built for jokes - either telling them or being the butt of them. Votes: 0

People make a lot of jokes about the empty nest. Let me tell you, it is no laughing matter. It is really hard. Votes: 0

There is no such thing as too much fun. People need to know it is O.K. to tell jokes and be happy. Votes: 0

There have always been jokes all over our songs; I originally started writing lyrics to make my friends crack a smile, which is difficult. Votes: 0

I don't do jokes about elections so that's probably why it went okay for me, except for the crazy people that are hate-crime people. Votes: 0

If I do not do sensible things about investments I shall spend my old age in a workhouse, where nobody will understand my jokes. Votes: 0

I love working on the fly when the writers come up with new jokes on show nights. It's exciting. I love it so much. Votes: 0

I've liked being Jewish in America - there's a secular version of Jewishness there that's more about bagels and jokes than going to synagogues. Votes: 0

I'm from New York, I make kind of somewhat maybe lewd, at times - maybe some would say dirty - jokes. But in jest. Votes: 0

I am not so secretly a comedian. I write a lot of my own material if you've seen videos I've done. I write jokes. Votes: 0

I've been writing jokes since I'm fifteen. Not out of happiness, but to go to a different place, because reality wasn't good to me. Votes: 0

Humor must be one of the chief attributes of God. Plants and animals that are distinctly humorous in form and characteristics are God's jokes. Votes: 0

When I make a book, I make it for the child and not for the parent - no jokes in it for the parents! Votes: 0

sarcasm and jokes were often the bottle in which clinical depressives sent out their most plangent screams for someone to care and help them. Votes: 0

I care more about making sure the story is correct and the characters are behaving in character than I do about the individual jokes. Votes: 0

It's a basic rule of humor that a joke is always at somebody's expense. Really good jokes, however, tend to be at everyone's expense. Votes: 0

I don't laugh so much at jokes and premises as I do at a guy who goes onstage and starts twitching and acting funny. Votes: 0

I learned how to make jokes because I wanted to give people as much fun as they did, and I guess I did, too. Votes: 0

Like great art, something essential dies when great jokes are explained. So what's the key to telling a good joke/creating great art timing. Votes: 0

Words played an important part in my growing up. Not only the written word... but words that flew through the air: jokes, riddles, puns. Votes: 0

The government passed more laws to protect women from dirty jokes than to protect men from death by faulty rafters at a construction site. Votes: 0

You have to understand, I can't do any jokes about Ross Perot, because the last thing I need right now is another credit check. Votes: 0

Comedians get jokes offered to them, rock stars get women and underwear thrown onstage, and I get guys that want to take me fishing. Votes: 0

As an actor, it's always fun when you're able to feel like there's freedom to explore things and try out jokes and be funny. Votes: 0

All of my jokes were about not being able to meet anybody. I didn't have any insight into anything - even my own insecurities. Votes: 0

Everyone just wants to hear the exact jokes that apply to them and want to - everyone wants a perfectly crafted joke for them. Votes: 0

When a bad experience happens, you just chalk it up to the great fact that you just got five more jokes in the show. Votes: 0

Zen people love Buddha so tremendously that they can even play jokes upon him. It is out of great love; they are not afraid. Votes: 0

I don't want to go and start trying to make jokes in places like India, Tanzania or Iraq. Afghanistan is not a funny place. Votes: 0

I remember, growing up, if something big - God forbid - happened, the first jokes you heard on the subject came out of Jersey. Votes: 0

There were two things I used to do to seduce girls: jokes and music. Since I'm not a great pianist, jokes were my thing. Votes: 0

The first obligation I have is to be funny; it's my first impulse and an instinct. I like being funny and finding the jokes. Votes: 0

I just don't get if you have ever gotten offended by a joke, why would you go to a comedy club? That's where jokes happen. Votes: 0

I started doing pot jokes, and I noticed that audiences invariably love pot jokes. Even people who don't smoke pot think it's a funny subject. Votes: 0

Russell Crowe likes to tell jokes, which I can't. I can't remember a joke to save my life. I don't have a brain for it. Votes: 0

Being anti-war in Hollywood was an act of bravery on the order of the keynote speaker at a PLO dinner making jokes about Ariel Sharon. Votes: 0

When you can make others laugh with jokes that belittle no one and your words always unite, Hafiz will vote for you to be God. Votes: 0

I'm not Mr. Debonair Suave. I'm just a regular boy who goofs around, pulls pranks, and makes jokes. That doesn't sound very hot to me. Votes: 0

Donald Trump was very receptive. Funny. Cracked some jokes. And understand it very well. And said he was in that he would work with us. Votes: 0

I find that when I tell lawyer jokes to a mixed audience, the lawyers don't think they're funny and the non-lawyers don't think they're jokes. Votes: 0

To me, racist jokes are not funny. I am politically correct, in a weird way. I like to push the boundaries that are politically correct. Votes: 0

If parents snicker at racial and gender jokes, another generation will pass on the poison adults still have not had the courage to snuff out. Votes: 0

As professionals, we just try to keep the jokes to a minimum, when we're in a certain situation. When we're not doing that, we're joking. Votes: 0

Knowing all the languages in the world could help you to really understand all the jokes you can hear... from my future Kids' Funny Business. Votes: 0

Man, after all my grandma put into me learning the piano, that was a hard day, telling her I was telling jokes for a living. Votes: 0

I'm terrible at practical jokes. I do them too well, so they're not funny. I end up saying, 'Oh, no, I'm joking, I'm joking.' Votes: 0

In Israel, waves of anger and fear circulate all the time, but so do jokes and gossip and silky evening breezes. So, too, in America. Votes: 0

I do not make jokes about Sarah Palin simply because I could not live in this world if I believed she was a real person. Votes: 0

I'm terrible at practical jokes. I do them too well, so they're not funny. I end up saying, “Oh, no, I'm joking, I'm joking . Votes: 0

The thing about Donald [Trump] is the jokes write themselves. I don't even think of it to be trolling. What he says is the joke. Votes: 0

Everyone should be able to do one card trick, tell two jokes, and recite three poems, in case they are ever trapped in an elevator. Votes: 0

But he says things so subtly, so smoothly, that it's hard to tell if it's purposeful or if he's just playing along with my jokes. Votes: 0

I like George Carlin's jokes. I like his humor. He's one of my heroes, and I like what he did with talking about everyday things. Votes: 0

When you can make others laugh with jokes that belittle no one and your words always unite, Hafiz will vote for you to be God. Votes: 0

I'm not here to affect you politically or socially. I'm here to make you laugh. I use the news as the palette for my jokes. Votes: 0

I'm not sure how anyone with a soul can make jokes about the passing of one of the most talented artists this generation will see. Votes: 0

Women who are not living ought to spend all their time cracking jokes. In a rotten society women grow witty; making a heaven while they wait. Votes: 0

It's pretty easy to hear what people are physically responding to versus what's just flat as a pancake in the room when it comes to jokes. Votes: 0

One of the stock Sydney jokes is of the census-taker who enquires: 'How many children have you, ma'am?' 'Two living and three in Melbourne.' Votes: 0

Suppose the world were only one of God's jokes, would you work any the less to make it a good joke instead of a bad one? Votes: 0

I'm a taker in terms of jokes. I love to hear a good joke, but I don't retain jokes. I'm not a good teller of jokes. Votes: 0

I'm not the type of guy who's funny in the room. I'm the guy who's funny late at night on a computer, trying to construct jokes. Votes: 0

she doesn't really have a sense of humor. I think she'd like to have one—it's just that she doesn't quite understand what jokes are for. Votes: 0

When you have a couple hundred people in one huge space, that's gonna lead to jokes and it's a breeding ground for practical jokes and teasing. Votes: 0

I'm very proud of being Jewish. It means I have a good work ethic, and you get Jewish humour and you're allowed to tell Jewish jokes. Votes: 0

Some of them relate to farts but they are not fart jokes. They would just be a fart in the joke but it's about something else... Votes: 0

Yeah, Silver and his math are jokes, because math has a liberal bias. After all, math is the reason Mitt Romney's tax plan doesn't add up. Votes: 0

The reason most comedies don't win awards is that the filmmakers put the comedy first. This means you have to create a story around the jokes. Votes: 0

I made jokes about kissing Murphy Brown. But if that's what cost me my job, my wife will probably say, "Hey asshole, I told you so." Votes: 0

My best friend is disabled. There's nothing he hates more than being left out of the jokes, to be treated with kid gloves. That's the insult. Votes: 0

My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics' heads, where they are safe. Votes: 0

When you have a couple hundred people in one huge space, that's gonna lead to jokes and it's a breeding ground for practical jokes and teasing. Votes: 0

The good Lord in his ultimate wisdom gave us three things to make life bearable: hope, jokes, and dogs, but the greatest of these was dogs. Votes: 0

There's a few tunes of mine that don't have jokes, but most of them have a joke and they have a humorous point of view somewhere. Votes: 0

My English is closer to the literary English, and I'm not very familiar with jokes in English or with, you know, with small talk in English. Votes: 0

I have tons of jokes with moments in them over the years in stand-up that don't get a laugh but I love them so they stay. Votes: 0

There's a few tunes of mine that don't have jokes, but most of them have a joke and they have a humorous point of view somewhere." Votes: 0

I sat down and wrote some jokes and went to the talent show, got up on stage, fell in love with it and never turned back. Votes: 0

It seemed fun to play a villain on stage and I wanted my jokes to be so good that I could just calmly tell them on stage. Votes: 0

I was born. When I was 23 I started telling jokes. Then I started going on television and doing films. That's still what I am doing. The end. Votes: 0

I always have humour in my action movies. I think characters that make jokes under fire are more real. It somehow helps put you in their shoes. Votes: 0

I just love that part of comedy, where you see somebody's jokes develop. They try something new to see what works, and I just love that part. Votes: 0

We're gonna have to sweeten some of these jokes for the CD. You know what sweeten means, right? Sweeten is a show-biz term for "add sugar to". Votes: 0

Let's hit the joke once and move on to the next joke and just keep it where we have as many jokes per square inch as possible. Votes: 0

I do Twitter, but I'm still not great on it - I'm not good at writing short little jokes, so my Twitter's not really a jokey thing. Votes: 0

Ninety-eight per cent of laughter is nothing to do with jokes, which do not deserve to bear the weight of all the funny stuff in the world. Votes: 0

I love Los Angeles. I love when people make fun of it. I think, 'Good, don't come.' All the jokes about it feel out of date. Votes: 0

I don't like jokes about sex or bodily functions or drug use or the difference between New York and L.A. I never do any of that. Votes: 0

You never want to be the one who everyone is going to bust jokes on. The only way to prevent that is to be good at something. Votes: 0

I'm a joke comic. I tell jokes. I like writing a joke, and I like when a joke works, and I like other comics who tell jokes. Votes: 0

Part of what I do comes from the fact that I don't know any jokes to tell. And when I do they're really flat and don't work. Votes: 0

I don't like jokes in speeches. I do like wit and humor. A joke is to humor what pornography is to erotic language in a good novel. Votes: 0

Sometimes I use my jokes as building blocks for larger bits. I like to draw and play music, so sometimes I do those things along with the jokes. Votes: 0

I love 'Last Call.' It took me a little bit to figure out that I wasn't going to be that guy in a suit telling monologue jokes. Votes: 0

I learned as a young man that I don't write jokes, but that I can deliver more mundane material and get a laugh. I call myself a humorist. Votes: 0

My gift was in comedy. I found out I could make jokes. I could tell jokes. I could write them. So over the years, that's what I've done. Votes: 0

I still haven't found the humor in getting hit by a cement truck. My knees still hurt when I think about it, so no jokes about that yet. Votes: 0

I don't want them hip white people coming up to me and calling me no n - - or telling me n - - jokes. I don't like it. Votes: 0

Some of our jokes we made up on the fly. I love Lecrae; we have been friends for a while and he is just one of my favorite people. Votes: 0

Then I will tape the sets and even though I`m not very successful sometimes I will try to cut out the fat and put the jokes closer together. Votes: 0

I love jokes as much as anyone, but I don't want to hear my snail jokes every day. But I might want to hear a good song every day. Votes: 0

Death isn't funny." "Then why are there so many jokes about death? Jill, with us "” us humans "” death is so sad that we must laugh at it. Votes: 0

I need a woman to have a quirky sense of humor. There's a bunch of jokes I use, and if she doesn't get them, she's probably not for me. Votes: 0

I like to tell old jokes on stage after about an hour, or an hour and a half. I'll bring those old ones back because the fans love them. Votes: 0

I don't really like jokes in a way. I mean gags are fine but I like weird moments where what you have isn't really a joke, just tiny moments. Votes: 0

I try to retire jokes as soon as I can once I put them on an album. But I can't think of anything I just stopped doing for no reason. Votes: 0

What I like about the jokes, to me it's a lot of logic, no matter how crazy they are. It has to make absolute sense, or it won't be funny. Votes: 0