The husband who decides to surprise his wife is often very much surprised himself. Votes: 6
VoltaireA man's wife is his compromise with the illusion of his first sweetheart. Votes: 4
George Jean NathanI'm not a real movie star. I've still got the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago. Votes: 4
Will RogersLet the wife make the husband glad to come home, and let him make her sorry to see him leave. Votes: 4
Martin LutherFor every quarrel a man and wife have before others, they have a hundred when alone. Votes: 1
E. W. HoweMany a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success. Votes: 1
Jim BackusWhen a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. Votes: 1
Sacha GuitryI don't mind my wife having to last word. In fact I'm delighted when she reaches it. Votes: 1
Walter MatthauThere is nothing like a good dose of another woman to make a man appreciate his wife. Votes: 1
Clare Boothe LuceI went to look for a used car and found my wife's dress in the back seat. Votes: 1
Rodney DangerfieldIf I was your wife Sir, I'd poison you! Madam, if you were my wife, I'd let you! Votes: 1
Winston ChurchillYou can always tell how a man will treat his wife by the way he treats his mother. Votes: 1
Janette RallisonWhen a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife. Votes: 1
Prince PhilipNo wife can endure a gambling husband-unless he is a steady winner. Votes: 0
Thomas Dewar, 1st Baron DewarHappy is the man with a wife to tell him what to do and a secretary to do it.
Benjamin Mancroft, 3rd Baron MancroftA man is known by his conduct to his wife, to his family, and to those under him.
Napoleon BonaparteMy wife and I keep fighting about sex and money. I think she charges me too much.
Rodney DangerfieldI don't think so. Anyways, I don't spend money. My wife spends money...sorry wife.
Mikhail GrabovskiMy wife has to be the worst cook. I've got the only dog who begs for alka-seltzer.
Rodney DangerfieldThe soul's a sort of sentimental wife, That prays and whimpers of the higher life.
Richard Le GallienneGroup sex, are you kidding, I had group sex - my wife screwed in front of the jury.
Rodney DangerfieldWhen I told my wife she was lousy in bed - she went out - she got a second opinion.
Rodney DangerfieldIn marriage you are neither the husband nor the wife; you are the love between two.
Sri Nisargadatta MaharajAny wife will save you from purgatory, and a diligent one will secure heaven to you.
Elizabeth MontaguOf earth's goods, the best is a good wife; a bad, the bitterest curse of human life.
Simonides of CeosThe whole life with a wife is like an end game with two bishops of different colors.
Viktor KorchnoiI've always found it much more dangerous to fool with a man's mistress than his wife.
Harold RobbinsAll my wife does is shop - once she was sick for a week, and three stores went under.
Henny YoungmanIf a tree falls in the forest and kills your ex-wife, what do you do with the lumber?
Neil S. PlakcyOne time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!
Rodney DangerfieldWith my wife I get no respect. I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand. She lit it.
Rodney DangerfieldMy wife and I have a tradition of popcorn and videos with our kids on Friday evenings.
Ozwald BoatengWhat a generous thing that is, I realize, for a husband to try to make his wife laugh.
Gillian FlynnMy wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.
Henny YoungmanI have four children and nine grandchildren. I'm presently wearing out my second wife.
Morgan FreemanBeing bilingual is like having a wife and a mistress. One can never be sure of either.
Natalie Clifford BarneyI tell ya, my wife's a lousy cook. After dinner, I don't brush my teeth. I count them.
Rodney DangerfieldI can't be a wife. I'm not that sort of person. Wives have to compromise all the time.
Sarah BrightmanIf a man truly wants to communicate with his wife, he must enter her world of emotions.
Gary SmalleyJack Sprat could eat no fat,His wife could eat no lean. A real sweet pair of neurotics.
Jack SharkeyA mother is a mother all of your life,but a father is a father only when he has a wife.
Leah Ward SearsMy wife, Gayle, is a wonderful musician and singer. We share music, so it's a deep bond.
Chick CoreaMy wife can see always how a part affects me personally because she has to live with it.
Cillian MurphyIt is a maxim that man and wife should never have it in their power to hang one another.
George FarquharThe only solid and lasting peace between a man and his wife is, doubtless, a separation.
Lord ChesterfieldA husband only worries about a particular Other Man; a wife distrusts her whole species.
Mignon McLaughlinI awaken. I consume oxygen, then bacon, eggs and black coffee, then my wife, then bacon.
Nick OffermanI don't think a prostitute is more moral than a wife, but they are doing the same thing.
Prince PhilipAladdin, who said to his wife, I know it's not a lamp, keep rubbing! Never got a dinner!
Red ButtonsI told my wife a man is like wine, he gets better with age. She locked me in the cellar.
Rodney DangerfieldGorillaz virtually changed my wife...sorry, I mean, life...no, actually, it was my wife.
Terry GilliamHappy is that family where both the husband and wife are mutual members of Christ's body
William GougeMickey Mouse was supposed to be called Mortimer, but Walt Disneyâs wife found it creepy
Adam AndersonI've got two contracts in my life: One with my wife and the other to protect Andy Dalton.
Andrew WhitworthDonald Trump's presidential campaign has been getting a lot of questions about his wife .
Audie CornishShow me a wife who doesn't offer advice and I'll show you one who doesn't care very much.
Barbara BushIf only I had the influence with my wife and children that I have in some other quarters!
Charlie MungerIf your wife went out with Brad Pitt, you'd want to prove yourself, you know what I mean?
Chris MartinAn Irishman's wife gave birth to twins. Her husband wanted to know who the other man was.
Frank CarsonA man ought to be able to be fond of his wife without making a fool of himself about her.
George Bernard ShawA loving wife is better than making 50 in cricket, or even 99, beyond that I will not go.
James M. BarrieThe roaring of the wind is my wife and the stars through the window pane are my children.
John KeatsI called my son Jett and I wanted to call my daughter Qantas but my wife wouldn't let me.
John TravoltaThou Shalt Not Covet Thy Cousin"s Wife. Moses must have forgotten to write that one down
Julia QuinnYouâre far too prickly tempered to be a mistress. Youâre far better suited as a wife.
Lisa KleypasIf you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman; she will be all ears.
Sigmund FreudMy wife Staci made me go to a wedding last weekend...If it weren't for her, I'd be happy.
Stephan PastisRoy's wife of Aldivalloch, Wat ye how she cheated me, As I came o'er the braes of Balloch?
Anne GrantThe biggest inspiration for everything I do is, of course, my wife, playwright Ruth McKee.
Brian K. VaughanThere's always one teacher you had a crush on; for me, it's my wife's aerobics instructor.
Brian KileyI teach musical theater three days a week at the school that my wife and I graduated from.
Drew LacheyI don't want my wife to sleep with anyone but me, and I want to give her the same respect.
Elijah MartinNo slave is a slave to the same lengths, and in so full a sense of the word, as a wife is.
John Stuart MillThe doctor's wife ate two apples a day, just to be safe. But her husband kept coming home.
Joseph Gordon-LevittMy wife is so stupendously ugly it is easier to take her with me than to kiss her goodbye.
Max MillerI'm quite an example. I have four kids, all from the same wife, all from the same husband.
Rick NielsenIt's an awful thing to grow old by yourself. My wife hasn't had a birthday in seven years.
Robert OrbenI asked my wife if she enjoys a cigarette after sex and she said "No, one drag is enough".
Rodney DangerfieldFor wit and judgment often are at strife, Though meant each other's aid, like man and wife.
Alexander PopeThe good or ill hap of a good or ill life, is the good or ill choice of a good or ill wife.
Benjamin FranklinMy wife is the CEO of the family. I'm the fun guy, just trying to make it up as I go along.
Billie Joe ArmstrongWell, I've lost my wife. I've lost my job. I've lost 20 MINUTES OF MY LIFE! Damn the decaf.
Dave FoleyThe woman who cannot tell a lie in defense of her husband, is unworthy of the name of wife.
Elbert HubbardThe first requisite for a good cup of coffee in the morning is to get your wife out of bed.
Evan EsarA husband and wife who have separate bedrooms have either drifted apart or found happiness.
Honore de BalzacIf you want to live a happy life, don't teach your wife how to drive a car or a motorcycle.
Junaid JamshedEvery night before bed, I rub my wife's feet. She says they're the best foot rubs on Earth.
Luke BryanI already have a wife who is too much for me.. she is my art, and my works are my children.
MichelangeloI just don`t want to be the little wife sitting at home. I want to do something worthwhile.
Pattie BoydAgainst the advice of my wife, I endorsed Arlen Specter. I should have listened to my wife.
Rick SantorumI tell ya, with my wife, I got no sex life. Her favorite position is facing Bloomingdale's.
Rodney DangerfieldIf every man was as true to his country as he was to his wife, we'd be in a lot of trouble.
Rodney DangerfieldShe's my wife. (Stryker) Was. You seem to have forgotten an important verb tense. (Zephyra)
Sherrilyn Kenyon... you can never be sure of what has passed between husband and wife or lover and mistress.
Fyodor DostoevskyAs soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife.
Groucho MarxThe clog of all pleasure, the luggage of life, is the best can be said for a very good wife.
John WilmotWhat people might find surprising: I taught my wife to change diapers when we had our first.
Jorge PosadaI think one thing we share [with my wife] is a complete bottomless disdain for Bill Clinton.
Nat HentoffAn intelligent wife can make her home, in spite of exigencies, pretty much what she pleases.
William Makepeace ThackerayHow, frequently, some murder'd man appear'd, To tell his wife and children who had done it...
Bill VaughanMy wife and children seem to like me quite a bit, and as long as that is true, I'm really OK.
Brian WilliamsA man blessed with a good mamma and a good wife has no right to complain about anything else.
Claude PepperWhen a man says it's a silly childish game, it's probably something his wife can beat him at.
Don EppersonA rare spoil for a man Is the winning of a good wife; very Plentiful are the worthless women.
EuripidesHow am I supposed to be a mom to two kids, a wife and do a show every night? It's impossible!
Gwen StefaniOne wife is too much for most husbands to bear, But two at a time there's no mortal can bear.
John GayI'm a huge fan of burgers, and they're not my wife's favorite, so we don't cook them at home.
Jose GarcesGod has enabled man to distinguish between his sister, his mother, his daughter and his wife.
Mahatma GandhiA golfer needs a loving wife to whom he can describe the day's play through the long evening.
P. G. WodehouseNoah's wife, who said to Noah, Don't let the elephants watch the rabbits. Never got a dinner!
Red ButtonsI cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.
Tommy CooperWhat inspires me is my daughter because I want to set a good example for her, as does my wife.
A. J. McLeanYou can not pluck roses without fear of thorns, Nor enjoy a fair wife without danger of horns.
Benjamin FranklinIt's hard making a woman your wife when you've been humpin married women for most of your life
Big Daddy KaneI know I can still play, but it's like I told my wife, I'm just tired mentally. I'm just tired
Brett FavreMy wife wanted to call our daughter Sue, but I felt that in our family that is usually a verb.
Dennis WolfbergThe best kind of kinky sex is to have kinky sex with your wife or husband, the person you love
Frank LangellaTonight I am going with my wife to a Democratic party, where we're going to...try to be happy.
Joe LiebermanIn real life I'm a poor dressmaker and a terrible cook, anything in fact but the perfect wife.
June AllysonI gave my wife a gift certificate for Christmas. She ran out to exchange it for a bigger size.
Milton BerleMy wife's nagging is like living near the airport. After a while you don't notice it any more.
Tom ArnoldNo married man's ever made up his mind until he's heard what his wife has got to say about it.
W. Somerset MaughamIf we could survive without a wife, citizens of Rome, all of us would do without that nuisance.
AugustusMy wife was fitted with a coil. For about 18 months I hated it! She used to pick up CB signals.
Bob MonkhouseThe fact was I loved my wife to a degree that I found impossible to express, and so rarely did.
David NichollsA consumer is not a moron. She's your wife. Don't insult her intelligence, and don't shock her.
David OgilvyOne never realizes how different a husband and wife can be until they begin to pack for a trip.
Erma BombeckAh, isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew.
Harry CarpenterI was with my wife for five years before we got married, so we've been together since I was 22.
James MarsdenNow, it's true I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she's been givin' me lately.
Jeff FoxworthyOne should choose for a wife only such a woman as he would choose for a friend, were she a man.
Joseph JoubertThe relation between husband and wife should turn into a love of the heart untouched by desire.
Mata AmritanandamayiWho doth desire that chaste his wife should be, first be he true, for truth doth truth deserve.
Philip SidneyYou are sexually pure when no sexual gratification comes from anyone or anything but your wife.
Steve ArterburnI've had bad luck in my two previous marriages. The first wife left me, and the second did not.
Woody AllenMake sure you have your own life before becoming someone's wife ~spoken to Oprah in an interview
Beyonce KnowlesAfter I told my wife that black underwear turned me on, she didn't wash my Y-fronts for a month.
Chic MurrayIf I win, I'll take my wife and buy her a whole new wardrobe. If she's happy then I'll be happy.
Chris DaughtryMitt Romney is quite a guy. At one point he and his wife bought a zoo and fired all the animals.
David LettermanI would be looking up from a pool of blood and hearing my wife ask 'How do I reload this thing'.
Dick ArmeyWhat is instinct? It is the natural tendency in one when filled with dismay to turn to his wife.
Finley Peter Dunneno one in the whole world knows all a man's bignesses and all his littlenesses as his wife does.
Gene Stratton-PorterA man who has work that suits him and a wife, whom he loves, has squared his accounts with life.
Georg Wilhelm Friedrich HegelI've never yet met a man who could look after me. I don't need a husband. What I need is a wife.
Joan CollinsWhy should a woman cook? So her husband can say 'My wife makes a delicious cake' to some hooker?
Joan RiversA psychiatrist is a fellow who asks you a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing.
Joey Lauren AdamsMy wife can't figure out what to buy me. What do you give a man who's had everything up to here?
Milton BerleMy wife had her drivers' test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.
Rodney DangerfieldMy wife has cut our lovemaking down to once a month, but I know two guys she's cut out entirely.
Rodney DangerfieldOh, this your wife, huh? A lovely lady. Hey baby, you must've been something before electricity.
Rodney DangerfieldWe trust Hillary Clinton, my wife and I, we trust her with the most important thing in our life.
Tim KaineNo role is more challenging, rewarding and inspiring than my real-life role as a mom and a wife.
Vera FarmigaAmong the Tibetans, one wife has many husbands, because men are too poor to support a whole wife.
Bertrand RussellAfter all is said and done, its usually the wife who has said it and the husband who has done it.
Danny KayeTo have a successful marriage, a man must, on a fundamental level be scared shitless of his wife.
Dustin HoffmanI suppose the latest thing is to sit back and let Mr. Nobody from Nowhere make love to your wife.
F. Scott FitzgeraldWas the Buddha married? His wife would say, "Are you just going to sit around like that all day?"
Garry ShandlingThe wife was pretty, trifling, childish, weak; She could not think, but would not cease to speak.
George CrabbeWhen discovered by his wife, kissing the maid, Groucho said, "I was just whispering in her mouth"
Groucho MarxThe common law of this state held man and wife to be one person, but that person was the husband.
Harriet Hanson RobinsonMy wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but can she climb a tree.
Henny YoungmanEverybody all over the world takes a wife's estimate into account in forming an opinion of a man.
Honore de BalzacI did two things on my seventy-fifth birthday. I visited my wife's grave. Then I joined the army.
John ScalziWhen I raced with Mercedes, I thought Id learn German. But my wife didnt want to live in Germany.
Juan Manuel FangioAs a footballer's wife, I take great exception to the way we are portrayed in Footballers' Wives.
Karren BradyI asked my wife if she would put out the garbage. she said why should I you never put out for me.
Rodney DangerfieldI told my wife 'hey honey come on, let's make love like the old days.' She asked me for 50 bucks.
Rodney DangerfieldIt's tough to stay married. My wife says no because she's tired then stays up and reads her book.
Rodney DangerfieldWell, guess what, I'm Cuban! And no self-respecting Cuban man of the era would let his wife work.
Ted CruzSurprise me! Yogi's reply when he was asked by his wife, Carmen, where he would like to be buried
Yogi BerraThe understanding smile of an old wife to her husband is one of the loveliest things in the world.
Booth TarkingtonAfter 14 months of military service, I had a wife, a child, half an apartment, no car, and no job.
Charley PrideTrying to describe what I do in prayer would be like telling the world how I make love to my wife.
J. I. PackerMy wife says 90% of sex occurs between the ears. But I need a girl who can blow more just my mind.
Rodney DangerfieldThe Muse but serv'd to ease some friend, not wife, / To help me through this long disease, my life.
Alexander PopeI am reminded every day of my life, if not by events, then by my wife, that I am not a perfect man.
Barack ObamaGod I loved Sammy. Iâd considered marrying him, but his wife got upset when I asked for his hand.
Darynda JonesIn the husband wisedome, in the wife gentlenesse. [In the husband wisdom, in the wife gentleness.]
George HerbertWith the exception of my wife and children, there's nothing I value more than my Oklahoma heritage.
James GarnerThis is the bar your content has to clear on social: "Are you more interesting to me than my wife?"
Jay BaerThe only way I get back to my center is either by talking to my wife or by spending time by myself.
Matt NathansonMy wife is a real Puritan. She thinks licking the stamp on the envelope of a Valentine is foreplay.
Milton BerleI can't come up with the titles. My wife hates my titles. She doesn't even want to know about them.
Robert LongoDDP, while your in the hospital screaming in pain, your wife will be on her back screaming my name!
Scott SteinerI wish I believed I'd see my parents again, see my wife again. But I know it's not going to happen.
Tony RandallOne danger of a man succeeding is that it teaches his wife and daughter not to worry about success.
Warren FarrellMy ex-wife has never broken 150. I wish she would stop telling people I taught her how to play golf.
Bruce LanskyMy husband and my children inspire me on a daily basis to be the best wife, mom, and woman I can be.
Candace CameronEvery night my wife used to give me a foot massage. And my face would smell weird afterwards, but...
Emo PhilipsThere is nothing a man of good sense dreads in a wife so much as her having more sense than himself.
Henry FieldingI'm tired of leaving my wife at home with no nanny and no cook to take care of four kids by herself.
Jeff KentWhen a man's dog turns against hime, it is time for his wife to pack her trunk and go home to mamma.
Mark TwainI don't know if my wife left me because of my drinking or I started drinking 'cause my wife left me.
Nicolas CageI tell ya, it's tough to save a buck. Right now I'm supporting two fighters. My wife and her mother.
Rodney DangerfieldAn ex-wife is a woman with a crick in the neck from looking back over her shoulder at her matrimony.
Ursula Parrott