I don't have anything against my mom, but my family has no emotional connection to each other. Votes: 15
Maybe I'm delusional but I'm usually funny. It's not 100% but I have a pretty good batting average. Votes: 9
I'd never hurt another person. Votes: 5
I want to work for myself, and I do work for myself. I make plenty of money working for myself. Votes: 4
My first car was a motorcycle. Votes: 4
If women built the bridges or were meant to build the bridges, then they would have done it. Votes: 2
Mmm, tastes like hepatitis! Votes: 0
Welfare is monetary methadone. Votes: 0
I'm not sexist, I'm just a realist. Votes: 0
I am not a good cue card reader. Votes: 0
Donât do your best, do my best. Votes: 0
The reason why you know more funny dudes than funny chicks is that dudes are funnier than chicks. Votes: 0
Asking someone in advance not judge you, is like asking someone in advance not to smell you. Votes: 0
I get depressed at airports. Votes: 0
What we used to settle with common sense or a fist, we settle with hand sanitizer and lawyers. Votes: 0
Chicks named Tammy have a greater chance of actually driving a Mercedes than a chick named Mercedes. Votes: 0
Honestly, I've always had difficulty relaxing, unwinding and going to bed - that kind of stuff. Votes: 0
If you're conservative in Hollywood, you're on a list of people who need to be put in their place. Votes: 0
I'm a comedian, not a politician. Votes: 0
Maybe it's weird, but I don't feel in any way, shape or form that I'm taking over his show. Votes: 0