Top quotes by Bo Burnham

Comedy is the one absolutely self-aware art form. Actually, hip-hop's another one, I suppose. Because in your songs you're talking about how good a hip-hop artist you are. It's like a painter painting a panting of himself painting a painting. Votes: 16

Humour is often linked to shared experience. Like, a guy gets up and says, "Have you noticed public restrooms have really inefficient hand-dryers?" Oh my God, yes I have, hahaha, really good point, they should... fix that. It's good to know that somebody finally gets me! Votes: 14

I think the love-hate is fundamental. Everyone hates reality television, and everyone's watching it. Everyone hates Facebook, and everyone is on it. Votes: 13

We're having a traditional Thanksgiving - turkey, mashed potatoes, hat buckles, smallpox, genocide, a blue corn moon, etc. Votes: 13

At once I feel that comedy is this amazing sort of transcendent thing, and I'm also open to the fact that maybe it's just an evolutionary hiccup, something that upright apes do in their free time. Votes: 12

I think it would collapse my heart if I was super famous. I don't have the nerve for it, I'm too anxious. I don't know how you're not obsessed with how people perceive you, because they're real people, you know? You can convince yourself that they don't really know you, and that's true, but how can it not hurt your feelings? Votes: 9

I've always liked the format of YouTube, sharing things for free, which is a nice exchange between people. Votes: 9

Ya back home they call me the tie-dye shirt kid, well that and fagot. Votes: 9

There's a certain line between jokes and music and poetry that's a bit blurred in my mind. Votes: 8

What's that? My six song album entitled Bo Fo Sho is currently available on iTunes? With three songs that have never been heard on the internet? Uh, and if I try to pirate it for free I'll get AIDS? I would have guessed scurvy. Well, see you later ghost of Dr.Martin Luther King Jr. Votes: 8

Happy Thanksgiving! I broke into Best Buy and stole a copy of Pocahontas to celebrate. Votes: 7

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone. I'm thankful for all of you. I am not thankful for the pilgrims. Buckles should never be on hats. Votes: 7

Twitter is a lot like crystal meth, because it's really fun to do and Oprah's on it. Votes: 7

I try and write satire that's well-intentioned. But those intentions have to be hidden. It can't be completely clear, and that's what makes it comedy. Votes: 6

The average person has one Fallopian tube. Votes: 6

At the time of 'Words, Words, Words,' I'm a 19-year-old getting up feeling like he's entitled to do comedy and tell you what he thinks of the world, so that's inherently a little bit ridiculous. Votes: 4

When I see someone filming me, I don't usually think, 'No, man, don't put this up online!' I'd think, 'Hey man, you don't get to go to shows very often, put down the camera and enjoy it!' I love going to theatre and to shows so much. Votes: 4

Searching I'm not looking in every nook and cranny for it. I'll do the nooks. No way I left my keys in some fucking cranny." Votes: 4

My career was exploding at the same time that social media itself was expanding. But when my online videos were taking off, I didn't think, 'Oh, great! I'm going to be able to parlay this into a career!' I just wanted to be a comedian. I just wanted to perform live. Votes: 3

I have a pretty good math mind, so I can see patterns, but I don't have a great ear. It's like a tragedy - I can see so much more natural musical ability in so many other people. Votes: 3

I was doing theater in my high school, and I started writing sort of silly songs on the piano backstage in summer theater. I eventually put them online and started getting this little following. Votes: 3

I think controversy has this allusion of being controversial but it's totally not, which is why I'm trying to get away from it because it's just easy and automatic. Votes: 3

I've found nothing but support and generosity from older comics. I think comedians are a lot nicer than the stigma is, at least from my experience. Votes: 2

I chose to do comedy instead of going to college. Votes: 2

I get more ass than a giant donkey stable. Votes: 2

Quotes are for dumb people who can't think of something intelligent to say on their own. Votes: 2

I see young people being dismissed for supposedly wanting only "stupid" and "easy" material, or that they don't have an attention span longer than three minutes. I disagree with all those statements; I just think they aren't true. I'm saying that our generation wants stuff that is substantial and challenging, as well as thoughtful and endearing. Well, I don't know if I'm doing that, but I'm trying. Votes: 2

Women are like fingers and toes because they're easy to count on. Votes: 2

Bitches and hoes don't exist because the hoes know Bo's a feminist. Votes: 2

What's important is that you stay true to yourself. Because when you enter the real world, the most valuable thing you can bring is all your you-ness. The world doesn't need any more hot chicks or tough guys or smooth talkers - the world needs more you. And don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Votes: 0

I've found, across the board, that comedians have been very respectful and kind to me. And that seems to stem from the fact that they are just respectful and kind people in general. Comedians get a bad rap for being dark and anti-social I think. Votes: 0

Laughter is the best medicine, y'know, besides medicine. Votes: 0

I love you like a gay geneticist loves designer genes. Votes: 0

I'm a drunken midget with a loaded gun, a loaded gun. Votes: 0

I know it's the comedian's instinct to say, "Do it, man, nothing's off-limits! It's cool, bro!" I don't know if that's the answer for me. "Do I really want to make a joke about a miscarriage when a woman in the audience might have had one?" I don't worship comedy; at the end of the day I don't fall to the altar of comedy unquestioningly. Votes: 0

My persona is most importantly just to communicate the material in a way that is most funny and meaningful in the moment. It's more like a character that's sculpted for whatever joke needs communicating at the moment. Votes: 0

I think the comedy clubs tend to homogenize the acts a little bit, because they force them to be palatable in way too many environments. Votes: 0

I'm bored way too easily. I'm staring at screens half the day. I need to be overstimulated. And how will that express itself artistically? Votes: 0

People do complain about the way I act on stage... They think on stage I act too arrogant, too self-obsessed, solecistic, self-contained, synonyms. Votes: 0

I like to call everyone that I find slightly annoying a 'sociopath.' Votes: 0

I do think that stand-up comedy in general heavily favors masculinity and so I like to act a little feminine onstage. Votes: 0

I'm very interested in trying to make comedy shows that are a bit bigger, more theatrical, more of a "show." Some people might say I'm trying too hard, but that's a compliment to me. I like to inject a bit of production value and flair to comedy, or at least to my little corner of comedy. Votes: 0

I met a bipolar bear. He laughed, cried, then wanted a threesome. Votes: 0

Postmodern comedy doesn't work well with very old audiences, because it's making fun of the comedy they enjoy. Votes: 0

I think comedy has a range, with multiple peaks in different areas. It's like trying to compare Beethoven and the Beatles. Sometimes I hear from people, 'I think you try too hard in your comedy.' And that's what I worry about. Votes: 0

My whole family thinks I'm gay, I guess it's always been that way. Maybe it's 'cause of the way that I walk, Makes them think I like... boys. Votes: 0

I remember being superyoung, like nine or ten years old, and thinking, 'Man, I wonder what famous people eat for breakfast. They must have some special kind of cereal!' My mind was so warped by the idea of fame. Votes: 0

I've always liked TV shows that have slightly unlikable leads, where you root for them in spite of a lot of things. I know it's not common with shows with young people; they have to be so likable. But, I mean, teenagers just generally aren't very likable. I know I wasn't as a teenager. Votes: 0

I don't try to call myself a poet. But I know that my stuff is pretty literal, in that the themes are pretty simple and on the surface. Votes: 0

At one point when I was very young, when I was first starting out, I thought, 'Well, one day I'll be able to put all the music away and become a real comedian.' But then I realized there are amazing musical comedians out there, that musical comedy is probably something I'll always want to pursue. Votes: 0

For me, comedy is constantly presented as this fake casualness, like a guy just walked on stage going, 'This crazy thing happened to me the other day.' And he's in front of 3000 people, and he's acting like an everyman, and he's getting paid so much money. Votes: 0

Once a week, I like to slip into a deep existential depression where I lose all my sense of oneness and self-worth. Votes: 0

Words, Words, Words' was very much its title. It's just words, words, words and trying to show that I can pack as much material into an hour as I possibly could word count-wise. Votes: 0

Most of my songs make fun of myself. Votes: 0

I love you just the way you are but you don't see you like I do. You shouldn't try so hard to be perfect. Trust me, perfect should try to be you. Votes: 0

I saw a giraffe with a short neck That was sad Or a deer Votes: 0

What do you call a kid with no arms and an eyepatch? Names. Votes: 0

If Jesus can walk on water, can he swim on land? Votes: 0

How old is too old to stop believing in, like, the tooth fairy? Like 12? I've got a cousin who is 18... Yeah, still believes in gay marriage. Votes: 0

I stopped and I thought, 'What would Jesus do?' So I didn't exist. Votes: 0

If I had a dime for every time a homeless guy asked me for change, I'd still say no. Votes: 0

The classic comedian says there's nothing that's taboo; if you laugh at one thing you've got to laugh at everything, that comedy is taking people to dark areas and showing them the light. Votes: 0

I masturbate 'cause I'm the only one whose standards are low enough to f-k me. Votes: 0

Where are all the sour patch parents? Votes: 0

Maybe life on earth could be heaven, doesn't just the thought of it make it worth a try? Votes: 0

I'm interested in taboos for certain reasons. They can dramatise things and they're scary, and they're important to think about. I'm also wary about the fact that if you don't proceed with caution and understand what you're doing, you understand these things are realities that you're dealing with, they're real things. Votes: 0

Squaring numbers are just like women. If they're under thirteen, just do them in your head. Votes: 0

I'm happy with what I'm doing. I try not to focus on how I've changed. I just try to focus on what I'm doing now. Votes: 0

Poetic talent is really easy to fake when thy sentences doth no f-king sense make. Votes: 0

Nothing's true that I say, because I don't really want to say anything. I don't think my life's that cool, and I don't think my opinion's that valid. They're just silly jokes. Usually I just take a topic that isn't funny at all, like Shakespeare, and work backwards. I just try to find an unfunny subject. Votes: 0

In the distance, Bo saw a fairy. A fairy so beautiful that he felt proud of being called one in highschool. Votes: 0

I always wanted to be a comedian and actor, [...] I basically stumbled into the music medium, though. I'm OK, but that's about it. I like to think I'm good enough not to negatively affect the performance. Votes: 0

Poverty. Racism. Isn't it strange, only the homeless are begging for change? Votes: 0

Is there anything better than pussy? Yeah, a really good book. Votes: 0

If your belief is hateful towards people, I couldn't respect that. Votes: 0

If you can think of all the times in your life, some of the happiest times were probably when you were laughing. And some of the worst times in your life you were being laughed at. Votes: 0

When I tried to hit puberty I swung and I missed. Votes: 0

I don't like calling myself a "feminist" only because I don't think I've done anything active enough to call myself one. It'd be like calling myself a civil rights activist just because I'm not racist. Votes: 0

My persona on stage was always coming from a place of I know better than you and I'm going to be a little bit pretentious in your face with these sort of crass ideas. Votes: 0

Women are like puzzles because prior to 1920 neither had the right to vote. Puzzles still don't. Votes: 0

If comedy is about surprises, about tension, there's a lot of tension and surprise there, in the fact that people are expecting this to be natural. Votes: 0

I got a safe full of cherries 'cause I pop it and lock it. Votes: 0

And two balls minus one, six titles at the tour de France. Votes: 0

Do unto others as you would have them do to you, said the rapist. Votes: 0

You guys like impressions? Why? Votes: 0

Then the challenge is, once you left brain it and build it, then when you're on stage you have to know it so well that you can get lost in it. I don't want to be onstage looking like a robot, I want to be at the end of the day very emotional and what feels like someone being up there rather than reciting things. That's always the challenge, to analyze and then somehow lose yourself in something you absolutely know backwards and forwards. And nothing's going to surprise you, but you have to be surprised by it and let it surprise you. Votes: 0

I never felt like I was stealing anyone's fans as much as I was introducing some younger people to comedy who will eventually find tons of other comedians that they love. Votes: 0

People ask me all the time, ALL the time, they say the same exact thing. They say, 'Bo, you're an artist... how do we fix Africa?' Votes: 0

Was Einstein's theory good? Relatively. Votes: 0

The biggest danger, for me, with making yourself your act is that a lot of people with think they know you for better or worse. That's an ongoing struggle with me and it can get really trippy sometimes. I try to be strong about it and assure myself that only my close friends and family can really pass judgement on me personally, but it's impossible to not let it get to you. Votes: 0

All you god damn dirty Catholics can cath-o-lick my balls. Votes: 0

When life gets you down, make a comforter! Votes: 0

I'm friends with a lot of comedians, but we don't talk about material. Most comedians I know don't watch a lot of other comedy. Votes: 0

I never said I was funny, OK, so stop staring at me... Votes: 0

I believe, firmly, that women are always right. Ah, I should actually rephrase that: I... don't. Votes: 0

I misdirect the audience, so they have no idea where they are or who they're listening to. Votes: 0

For fifteen cents a day you can feed an African, they eat pennies. Votes: 0

What's a pirate minus the ship? just a creative homeless guy Votes: 0

I don't need anything as long as I have my family, friends, millions of dollars, unlimited pussy. Votes: 0

My work is trying to at least define myself on my own terms, and then if other people enjoy things that's a lovely addition. Votes: 0

Comedy is very strange to me and I don't fully understand it's purpose or function. Votes: 0

I'm not a grown up until everybody realises I'm a grown up. When everyone remembers me as the dirty kid singing little songs I am the dirty little kid. Votes: 0

I'm a stand up comic and I always sit and slouch, and I got my girlfriend pregnant on my sterile uncles pull-out couch. Votes: 0

I work really hard on the shows and I think the shows speak for themselves. I don't want to construct the show to prove something. Votes: 0

For me, if you distill comedy down, it is surprise and the unexpected. That has to be it on its most base level, in any form. Votes: 0

I thought I wanted to be a physicist in high school until I learned that there was much more math than philosophy in it. I assumed I would just sit around all day and think. Votes: 0

When things [writing] are over, I always think, 'well, I'm never going to do anything again because I have no ideas so I'm going to go be a farmer'. Or else ideas will come and and if not then I become a farmer. Hopefully won't happen. Votes: 0

For some comedians it feels so cool to be like: 'I'll say anything, man!'. I'm not quite there yet. Votes: 0

There's a metal train that a mile long and at the very back end a lightning bolt struck her. How long til it reaches and kills the driver, provided that he's a good conductor? Votes: 0

Love is all about... whistles. Votes: 0

Drugs kill, just like cancer. So don't smoke... tumors. Votes: 0

I'm gay for Jesus, fill me with your grace. Pour your love all over me, but please aim away from my face. Votes: 0

My first concern is that when you go to a show, you should be present. It's much more exciting to put the camera down and lose yourself in it. Votes: 0

I'd really love to make something that doesn't involve my stupid face. Votes: 0

I've been doin' drive-bys all of my life. Except the bullets are newspapers, the car is my bike. Votes: 0

I just like to write and then perform. Votes: 0

The strange thing with Wikipedia is that the first article that ever gets written about you will define your Wikipedia page forever. Votes: 0

And an anteater plus a large hungry mutant ant? An ironic way to die. Votes: 0

It's not most important to communicate myself on stage as it is to be as funny or interesting as I possibly can on stage. I feel more like I'm doing a play whose main character just happens to share my name. Votes: 0

Comedy should be a source of positivity. I don't want to bully people, and I don't want people to come to my show to feel terrible about something. I'm actually very open to having a conversation about what I should or shouldn't say. Votes: 0

I just try to do things on stage that I think the audience would enjoy. And I try to draw on and add to acts that I've enjoyed watching. Votes: 0

I don't consciously try to make things difficult as much as I try to make them a little different. I like all kinds of laughs. I tried to make a show that elicit groans, guffaws, chuckles, boos. Votes: 0

Even if he is your friend, never, ever call an Asian person. Votes: 0

People give me money and I don't know why, my real collection plate is an empty cup held by a homeless guy. Votes: 0

No one entertains the thought that maybe God does not believe in you. Votes: 0

I worked eight hours a day just so I could get into the college of my dreams and say that I got in - and I never went. Votes: 0

In comedy, falling means laughter. You can take something sacred and make it silly. The more sacred it is, the funnier it is. It has a bigger drop to fall. Votes: 0

I actually wrestled in high school. I was only in one match, and I lost... my virginity. Votes: 0

And if ten percent of men are gay and twenty percent of men are Chinese, what are the odds that a men chosen at random spends his free time and mealtime while on his knees. Votes: 0

The strength of comedy is I don't have to answer to anybody but sometimes you want to learn from other people and see your ideas strengthen by other people. Votes: 0