Top quotes by Bob Monkhouse

The last time I was in Spain I got through six Jeffrey Archer novels. I must remember to take enough toilet paper next time. Votes: 14

I'm not saying my wife's a bad cook, but she uses a smoke alarm as a timer. Votes: 12

Dulwich College takes me back after seventy years: My Mum must have written one hell of a sick note! Votes: 7

I was a born club comic. Radio and TV and stage were fine, but I found my real home in cabaret. Votes: 6

I'll never stop working. I want to die in the saddle. A day is wasted for me if I haven't done something even mildly creative. Votes: 6

My father only hit me once, but he used a Volvo. Votes: 6

If blind people wear sunglasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs? Votes: 5

Growing old is compulsory - growing up is optional. Votes: 5

Personally, I don't think there's intelligent life on other planets. Why should other planets be any different from this one? Votes: 5

Silence is not only golden, it is seldom misquoted. Votes: 5

With my wife it was sex, sex, sex...Yes, three times in 35 years. Votes: 4

A miniature village in Bournemouth caught fire and the flames could be seen nearly three feet away. Votes: 3

You can always spot the employee playing golf with his boss. He's the fellow who makes a hole in one and says, "oops!" Votes: 2

Although I have always loved the noise of laughter, I really can't fear the coming of quiet. As for funerals, I rather like them. Such nice things are always said about the deceased, I feel sad that they had to miss hearing it all by just a few days. Votes: 2

My father was ruined by hard drink - he sat on an icicle. Votes: 2

My mother tried to kill me when I was a baby. She denied it. She said she thought the plastic bag would keep me fresh. Votes: 2

I got a horse for my wife. I thought it was a fair swap. Votes: 2

I can still enjoy sex at 74 - I live at 75, so it's no distance. Votes: 2

My wife was fitted with a coil. For about 18 months I hated it! She used to pick up CB signals. Votes: 1

Where do the homeless have 90 per cent of their accidents? Votes: 1

It got up to 94 degrees today – that's pretty good at my age. Votes: 1

I told them I wanted to be a comedian, and they laughed; I became a comedian, no one's laughing now Votes: 0

I can remember when safe sex meant a padded headboard. Votes: 0

What do gardeners do when they retire? Votes: 0

They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now. Votes: 0

Marriage is an investment which pays dividends if you pay interest. Votes: 0

I came home and found that my son was taking drugs - my very best ones too! Votes: 0

When the inventor of the drawing board messed things up, what did he go back to? Votes: 0

My wife said, 'Can my mother come down for the weekend?' So I said, 'Why?' And she said, 'Well, she's been up on the roof two weeks already.' Votes: 0

I got my start in silent radio. Votes: 0

I saw a specialist who asked me 'Are you familiar with the phrase faecal impaction?'. I said I think I saw that one with Glenn Close and Michael Douglas. Votes: 0

I'd never be unfaithful to my wife for the reason that I love my house very much. Votes: 0

I know I'm a sinner, but make me a winner! Votes: 0

I'd like to die like my old dad, peacefully in his sleep, not screaming like his passengers. Votes: 0

I'm rather relaxed about death. From quite an early age I've regarded it as part of the deal, the unwritten guarantee that comes with your birth certificate. Votes: 0

A tom cat hijacked a plane, stuck a pistol into the pilot's ribs and demanded: 'Take me to the canaries'. Votes: 0

Real happiness is when you marry a girl for love and find out later she has money Votes: -1