Top quotes by Craig Ferguson

The nation of Iran is threatening to sue the makers of the movie Argo. They say the movie was an unrealistic portrayal of their country. You can't do that! That would be like Scotland suing over the movie Shrek. Votes: 18

The wedding took place in Vermont, where they have legalized gay civil unions, and I married a woman. Votes: 15

From 1934 to 1963, the biggest criminals in America ended up on Alcatraz. Nowadays they end up on Wall Street. Votes: 14

Divorce lawyers stoke anger and fear in their clients, knowing that as long as the conflicts remain unresolved the revenue stream will keep flowing. Votes: 14

There's something spiritual in hard work. Spirituality isn't all aromatherapy and scented candles. Votes: 13

During the cold war, West Berlin was an exclave - a tiny outpost of liberalism surrounded by people who want to crush it. It was like Austin, Texas. Votes: 11

I think comedy comes more from a low sense of self-esteem, and I certainly have that. Votes: 9

Late night is no different than making a film, really, except that it's faster, and if you do a crap one, you can do a better one tomorrow. Writing a novel and doing stand-up - that stuff is very similar. Votes: 9

I always wanted to make motion pictures, ever since I was a wee boy, and I was 32, and time was marching on. I met a guy who said, 'Come out to Hollywood for 10 days, and I'll get you a deal.' So I figured, 'OK, 10 days.' On the 10th day, he got me a development deal with Disney, not for a lot of money, but it allowed me to make the move. Votes: 7

I dropped out of high school when I was 16, after I had a huge argument with my English teacher over the meaning of the word 'existentialism.' Votes: 7

Scotland is a much lighter and more fun place than I thought it was. I was miserable when I was there. But it wasn't Scotland's fault. It was my circumstances. I was - I hate to say the word humbled - but that's what it felt like. I was wrong about this place. This is a great place full of very fun people. Votes: 7

My mother was tickled and I think kind of proud when my father got hit on my an attractive middle-aged Asian lady who hadn't noticed he was with his family. He was certainly pleased about it. Votes: 7

Pseudoscience describes theories that sound like science but are actually just made up, like aromatherapy or biorhythms or love. Votes: 7

I think that clearly it has an influence, to be coming of age during the punk rock era, to come from a difficult and sporadically violent background, to have been in and out of such chaos, I think it actually helps. But I don't know for sure. Votes: 6

Other than the laws of physics, rules have never really worked out for me. Votes: 6

Why do people do things that they fear? It may be that the fear contains information. Something can be interesting if you get to the other side of that fear. Votes: 5

I have no ambitions beyond being comfortable in what I do for a living - and earning a living. Votes: 5

I try and live my life in bite-size chunks. Votes: 5

I don't see my show as a stepping stone to something else like some people, who get a job then have a foot out the door looking for their next job. Votes: 5

I don't know now if I'm funny. I just keep talking and hope that I hit something that's funny. Votes: 4

It's not that we fly by the seat of our pants. We're not afraid of failure. Votes: 4

It's the beauty and curse of doing a daily show. Some days you've got nothing to talk about and other days Dick Cheney shoots his lawyer in the face and everyone is happy. Votes: 3

This book could scare them. The sex, the violence, the dream sequences and the iconoclasm - I think a lot of people are uncomfortable with that. I understand that. It was very uncomfortable to write some of it Votes: 3

Sometimes they would just pay me to stay home and not do anything else, which sounds fantastic but doesn't do much for your ego. Its probably a little like getting alimony-the money is nice but has a nasty aftertaste. Votes: 3

You know, your whole life you're concerned about money for this and that. And then you don't have to worry about it, so you worry about other stuff. Votes: 2

I said that the only way I could have a band that would work in the format of my show is if the band were crap. So if I have a band they'd have to really suck. Votes: 2

Is it really that important? It's just television, for God's sake. It's not medicine or something. Votes: 2

I used to believe, like many people who come from poor backgrounds, that it gave me an edge, but I think that's just something we have to tell ourselves to get by sometimes. I don't believe that anymore. Children of privilege can be just as talented and clever as anybody else. Votes: 1

If I have a near-beer, I'm near beer. And if I'm near beer, I'm close to tequila. And if I'm close to tequila, I'm adjacent to cocaine." Votes: 1

Violence of any kind, once it starts, is like fucking a gorilla-you ain't done tillthe gorilla's done." Votes: 0

It was on this day that the Bahamas declared independence. Before that they were a British colony. The British Empire lost Canada and the Bahamas, to name just a couple. Britain's been dumped more times than Taylor Swift. But did they go writing whining songs about it? No. Votes: 0

I can't wait to see the debate between Ryan and Joe Biden. Biden is said to be already trying out different strategies. So far the one that Obama likes is where Biden pretends to have food poisoning and they cancel the debate. Votes: 0

Sarah Palin has managed to use her failed vice presidential run to put herself in a position of power and influence. Joe Biden won the race and he hasn't been able to put himself in a position of power and influence. Votes: 0

For my birthday that year Anne gave me an inflatable atlas globe, along with a birthday card in which she wrote: I give you the world. Have fun blowing it up. Votes: 0

In Los Angeles on Black Friday, a woman pepper sprayed Wal-Mart shoppers who tried to cut in line. The police acted fast by immediately hiring her to get rid of peaceful protesters outside banking institutions all across the United States. Votes: 0

World War Z is out today. The big zombie movie. The trailer looks scary. You see hordes of bodies climbing and rolling over each other. It's like Black Friday at the mall. Votes: 0

I would prefer as a viewer to watch the mistakes. I am my own blooper reel, as it happens. Votes: 0

For me, comedy should have a certain amount of joy in it. It should be about attacking the powerful - the politicians, the Trumps, the blowhards - going after them. We shouldn't be attacking the vulnerable. Votes: 0

The new Pope, Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio, is now Pope Francis the 1st. Francis was not his first choice for a name. But the Vatican wisely talked him out of Pope Boo Boo. Votes: 0

Congratulations to the NBA champion Boston Celtics - they beat the Los Angeles Lakers by 39 points. Or as Hillary Clinton would say, "Too close to call. Votes: 0

The U.S. Senate is considering a bill that would tax Botox. When Botox users heard this, they were horrified. Well, I think they were horrified. It's difficult to tell. Votes: 0

A dozen swimming events have already been completed in the Olympic competition. I wonder where they got the name 'Speedo.' It doesn't sound like a bathing suit, it sounds like a breakfast cereal for meth addicts. Votes: 0

It's all about the triumph of intellect and romance over brute force and cynicism. Votes: 0

I think we look back at times past with fondness because we were younger. Life had not yet begun pecking away at our innocence like buzzards on fresh road kill. Votes: 0

There's going to be a new cable-TV channel for dogs. Dogs don't even watch TV. But the schedule came out today. And they've got great shows, like Barks & Recreation and Game of Bones. Votes: 0

Thank heaven Election Day is over. No more campaign ads, no more mud-slinging, no more candidates pretending they're straight. It's over! Votes: 0

Italian women are some of the most beautiful in the world. This is why the Vatican is in Italy. If a man can walk across Italy and retain his celibacy, he's got what it takes to be a priest - or an interior decorator. Votes: 0

Even a chameleon needs the proper amount of suction. Votes: 0

Wait! Don't applaud my cheapness! I've got other crap I need help with! Votes: 0

Welcome back, my cheeky wee monkeys. Votes: 0

Democrats are calling Christine O'Donnell 'the Sarah Palin of the East.' Really? She's a loud, emotionally unstable woman from Delaware. That's not Sarah Palin, that's Joe Biden. Votes: 0

I don't drink anymore for Cinco de Mayo. I celebrate with Mexican food, or as it's known in Mexico: 'food.' Votes: 0

Happy Cinco de Mayo. If you don't know what that means, maybe you're a little out of touch - or maybe you're the governor of Arizona. Votes: 0

Acid gave me a clinical, unblinking look at madness, and I discovered I wasn't brave enough to be insane. Votes: 0

The sexy magazine in Britain in that time was called Club International. Club International: It was about as international as the International House of Pancakes. It should have been called Naked Cockney Girls with Scurvy. Votes: 0

I used to psych myself up before the show and now I do the complete opposite: I psych myself down. It's 12:30 at night, you don't want some guy yelling at you. You want some guy just talking to you. Votes: 0

Equestrian and sailing are sports for people growing up on the mean streets of Connecticut. Votes: 0

Ocean's 13 is all about cool people having a good time, and who doesn't want to see that? Well you, apparantly, 'cause you're watching me. Votes: 0

Well, everyone, welcome to Shark Week. Oh that's on CBS and there's been a lot of cutbacks, so it's just Friday night for a couple of minutes. And we don't have any sharks, just an immigrant with a puppet. Hey, but it's a start! Votes: 0

Delaware Senate candidate Christine O'Donnell said recently that Hollywood needs to re-evaluate what they're doing because movies these days are all filled with gay sex and extramarital affairs. And I thought, 'Have fun in Congress then. Votes: 0

Dell Computers announced they're releasing a competitor for the iPad. Now it is, in fact, a great alternative for people who already have an iPad, but are fed up with it working all the time. Votes: 0

HD doesn't mean anything to me. It's a technical thing. It's like demographics. A lot of people know about it. Votes: 0

A number of U.S. colleges are going to start having dorms for alcoholics. I believe those are called dorms. Votes: 0

I don't just like sexual double entendres I love them, I stroke them, I milk them, I spank them when they're naughty. Votes: 0

A new survey says one in three adults will be dressing up for Halloween. As for me, I'm not going to do anything. I'm going as Congress. Votes: 0

The worst gift I was given is when I got out of rehab that Christmas; a bottle of wine. It was delicious. Votes: 0

I got sober. I stopped killing myself with alcohol. I began to think: 'Wait a minute - if I can stop doing this, what are the possibilities?' And slowly it dawned on me that it was maybe worth the risk. Votes: 0

Whether I or anyone else accepted the concept of alcoholism as a disease didn't matter; what mattered was that when treated as a disease, those who suffered from it were most likely to recover. Votes: 0

The queen banishes Snow White because of her beauty. But the dwarves help Snow White because they're smitten by that very beauty. It teaches kids an important lesson: Nothing matters except for your looks. Votes: 0

The first day of spring is known as the vernal equinox. The equinox is special. It only happens twice a year, like a good night in ratings for NBC. Votes: 0

I know the fashion is that everything is fair game [for comedy material] but I don't believe that. Votes: 0

Friday's turmoil in global markets looks set to continue to exert a dominant force on the foreign exchange markets. The usual trend when U.S. stocks fall is that the U.S. dollar suffers. Votes: 0

Every year there's a jury at the Cannes Film Festival. Getting on the jury is very competitive in France. Not because the French love cinema, but because they love to judge. Votes: 0

Now that healthcare is guaranteed, I'm frying everything I eat. Fried food and cigarettes. Votes: 0

I like football. I find its an exciting strategic game. Its a great way to avoid conversation with your family at Thanksgiving. Votes: 0

Gas prices - it is $6 a gallon here. People in L.A. are furious. You can't tell, of course, because of the Botox. Votes: 0

Laughter separates us from despair, and gives us a chance at love. Votes: 0

An 83-year-old male prostitute was arrested. Police say he only charged $20 an hour, but for most of that time, he just talked about his grandkids. Votes: 0

I think the scores for Olympic gymnastics are affected by what countries the judge and the gymnast are from. That's wrong. That type of political pandering isn't meant for gymnastic Olympic events. It's meant for the Supreme Court. Votes: 0

Nothing says romance like hobos, martyrs and decapitations. Votes: 0

When I went out on tour as Bing Hitler I would hook up with Lenny and we'd get drunk together. He was always very supportive. He was a big star and a lot of what he said to me had power and impact. Apart from that, I just like him. Votes: 0

I freely admit I'm confused. I'm a confused and troubled individual but at the same time...Its Free! Votes: 0

BP CEO Tony Hayward said recently, 'No one wants this thing over more than I do. I'd like my life back.' Tony, I'm so sorry you had your summer disrupted. I'd buy you a drink, but you'd probably spill that too and make me clean it up. Votes: 0

I'm so excited about the new iPad, I just iPeed my iPants. Votes: 0

I'm a terrible interviewer. I'm not a journalist - although I have a Peabody Award - and I'm not really a late-night host. What I am is honest. Votes: 0

Stoners just got a powerful new ally in the fight to legalize marijuana - conservative broadcaster Pat Robertson. He said it's time to 'you know, legalize it, tax it, and keep it away from Mel Gibson.' Votes: 0

If you're frightened of leprechauns, the best thing to do is to get yourself a little leprechaun outfit and see how big they are. And then you'll go, 'Well I see. That's like bein' frightened of a hampster.' Votes: 0

Everything went smoothly at the sailing events today, except for the British team. They forgot to bring limes and they all got scurvy. Votes: 0

In some countries Women's Day is a national holiday and men give women flowers. In America Women's Day falls on another holiday, Mardi Gras, where men give women beads in the respectful and post-feminist desire to see their naked boobies. Votes: 0

Oprah's quitting in 2011. Now we know why the Mayans ended their calendar in 2012 Votes: 0

The first ads for medical marijuana have started airing on television in California. The ads are quite expensive. It costs a lot of money to buy 30 seconds during 'Spongebob Squarepants.' Votes: 0

Santa blows all these shipping companies away. He delivers more than 2 billion packages in just 24 hours. He does it by sleigh. He doesn't use tracking numbers and doesn't use trucks. He just uses midgets and a giant bag. Votes: 0

I've got mixed feelings about poetry cause done well poetry is fantastic. But not many people are capable of doing it well. I think you should have some kind of license to perform poetry. A poetic license perhaps. Votes: 0

Being an American is something I wanted to be for a very long time, probably since I saw the moon landing when I was a child. Votes: 0

Dr. Jeckyll & Mr. Hyde is a metaphor for alcoholism. He drinks a potion, becomes a monster. I know exactly how he feels. Votes: 0

Harry Potter, he sends a message on Owl Mail while us poor old muggles have to make do with instantaneous emails and texting. Oh, if only we could be like you Harry Potter, with your four day owl delivery! Votes: 0

Sarah Palin is speaking out about the oil spill. She said, I'm not kidding, we should ask the Dutch for help with the spill because the Dutch have the world's best dikes. So let me get this straight. It is OK to cover lesbians in oil but you just can't let them get married. Votes: 0

The whole idea of re-releasing old movies does bother me a little bit. If they're going to re-release an old movie, I should be able to get in with my old ticket. Votes: 0

Strange star-like object over Oslo right before Obama arrives. A gift of a golden medal given by a group of wise men... Nah. Votes: 0

Lance Armstrong admitted he used performance-enhancing drugs throughout his career. He confessed in front of the most respected judge in the land, Oprah Winfrey. Votes: 0

It's Earth Day today. Let me tell you something about polar bears. They're endangered but you have to be careful because a polar bear is one of the few animals that will stalk a human. If you go to where polar bears live, it might stalk you and when you're on the plane going home, it might be behind you reading. Votes: 0

Halloween's eve is also known as mischief night. Kids are supposed go around playing pranks tonight. That's great, just what teenagers need -- another excuse to be jerks. Votes: 0

Former president Bill Clinton was elected on this very day in 1992. Clinton went on to leave quite a mark in the oval office... You mean the one on the sofa? Votes: 0

Former president George W. Bush released his new memoir. By the way, 'memoir' is just a fancy word for 'a bunch of stuff that happened to me. Votes: 0

In the past I've been hard on the vegans. I've called them Prius-driving fascists, but now I am one of them. I have been turned to the dark side. Votes: 0

Why don't they allow professional wrestling at the Olympics? They allow pro basketball players and hockey players. Olympic pro wrestling would be awesome. The team from Mexico could wear those Mr. X masks. The French wrestler could hit his opponent with a baguette. Or perhaps just surrender. Votes: 0

Fraser's mother, Janice, was actually quite a happy soul but she had to hide it because, like all pseudo intellectuals, she thought being cheery made her look stupid, which of course she was for believing that rubbish in the first place. She like to talk about Sartre sometimes, just as insurance. Votes: 0

There's something I believe wholeheartedly: Cynicism is the true refuge of the pseudo-intellectual, .. Cynicism is easy. Joy is an extremely advanced spiritual and intellectual tenet. Votes: 0

I am probably a pseudo-intellectual. Votes: 0

My father had a very unusual psychic ability, he could detect water. It's called divining. He would use a Y-shaped U-branch, and he could find water with that, which is a very impressive skill in a country where it rains 365 days of the year. Votes: 0

When you need to borrow money the Mob seems like a better deal I think. 'You don't pay me back I break both yer legs.' Is that all? You won't take my house or wreck my credit rating? Fine where do I sign. Legs? Fine. You don't even have to sign anything. Votes: 0

I found the prospect daunting, but somehow comforting, too, because the counselors insisted it could be done, and, after all, many of them were recovering alcoholics themselves. Votes: 0

The three drunkest cities in America: Fresno, Riverside, and whatever Mel Gibson is driving through. Votes: 0

A new study says by 2030 household robots will dominate every phase of our lives. The study says the No. 1 field for robot growth is medicine. That makes sense. Robots already perform well in surgery. That is, until there is a power outage. Then it's just a coat rack leaning over you as you bleed to death. Votes: 0

I love zombies. If any monster could Riverdance, it would be zombies. Votes: 0

Time is only linear for engineers and referees. Votes: 0

Twas the night before Thanksgiving. All the food's in the oven. And I'm in the bedroom performin' self lovin'. Votes: 0

I'm not so much a dragon slayer, more a dragon annoyer -- I'm a dragon irritater. Votes: 0

Everything I think of now is too rude to actually say. Votes: 0

If Scotland and America go to war, I'm afraid I've already sworn in. Votes: 0

I think commercialism helps Christmas and I think that the more capitalism we can inject into the Christmas holiday the more spiritual I feel about it Votes: 0

You clap. The Censor wakes up. We all get into trouble. Votes: 0

You can never talk religion on network TV. It makes too many people angry. You can talk about sex. Votes: 0

You better watch out. You better not cry. You better not pout, I'm telling you why,Cause Santa Clause might put a cap in your ass. Votes: 0

I don't think wood was discovered in Britain until the 1970's. That's when I discovered it anyway. Votes: 0

I think when you become a parent you go from being a star in the movie of your own life to the supporting player in the movie of someone else's. Votes: 0

People talk to old people like they're children.'Oh you're very old aren't you?' Yeah I'm old. I'm not stupid. Votes: 0

She still cared for me, and the best way I could make amends to her was to be happy.I do have a knack for finding great women. Votes: 0

I knew that I had been partially right in the storeroom above the bar on Christmas Day. Whoever I had become had to die. Votes: 0

I have a deep and profound mistrust of all politicians. Votes: 0

I come from a very critical culture. You know the Scots. They're always saying: 'Oh, no. It will never work. You'll never amount to anything. You've got to know your place in the world.' Votes: 0

If you can't trust, you can't be trustworthy. Votes: 0

For example, in Paris, if one desires to buy something, you enter the store and say "Good morning, sir" or "madam," depending on what is appropriate, you wait until you are greeted, you make polite chitchat about the weather or some such, and when the salesperson asks what they can do for you, then and only then do you bring up the vulgar business of the transaction you require. Votes: 0

Remember the band, Flock of Seagulls? They had their van stolen. I was like, They still have a van? Votes: 0

They've found a link between chemicals in shampoo and obesity. If you're eating shampoo, your weight is the least of your concerns. Votes: 0

I salute Rick Perry for the way he's trying to overcome this. Today he came out and said he's not one of those slick politicians, that this just shows his human side, and some third excuse he can't remember. Votes: 0

These days, young people watch TV on smartphones and computers. Young people with an actual TV set are harder to find than a picture of Anthony Weiner with his clothes on. Votes: 0

I was 15 years old when I was in this band; we were called Stag. We used to wear spandex pants and no underwear - we looked like marbles smugglers. Votes: 0

The Smurfs 2 is a great movie. The Smurfs are tiny little creatures that everybody loves. They're like Justin Bieber - minus the part about everybody loving him. Votes: 0

A New York City judge struck down a proposed law to ban sodas larger than 16 ounces. I think Mayor Bloomberg should spend his time trying to improve stuff like education. New York needs a better education system if kids didn't figure out they could get around the 16-ounce soda ban by simply purchasing two 12-ounce sodas. Votes: 0

Now, I know Obama was trying to take the long view, but talking about solar energy in the middle of the oil spill is like watching your house engulfed in flames and saying, 'We really should change the curtains.' Votes: 0

Al Qaeda has declared war on the Somali pirates. That is awesome! Evil against evil. Like Alien versus Predator or Cheney versus his lawyer. Votes: 0

It turns out that speeding irresponsibly in a large truck, placing personal wealth ahead of the welfare of others, is one of the greatest sins in the Universe... Votes: 0

The 'Star Wars' movie is coming out. Disney has kept the details of the movie under wraps because they're not Sony. Votes: 0

Here in Los Angeles, school's out for summer. For thousands of school kids, this is the first week of summer vacation. And for thousands of parents, it's the first week of hell. Votes: 0

Saudia Arabia takes in half a trillion dollars every year in oil revenue, and the country has a population smaller than New York state, but when your system of government is an eleventh century monarchy, someone's going to end up poor, and it's not gonna be the guy whose first name is King. Votes: 0

I don't know much about the Supreme Court. If it's anything like the Supreme Taco, it's like a regular court, but with extra sour cream. Votes: 0

I remember talking to someone early on after I was sober about how I suddenly felt awkward at parties. They said, 'Well, you're supposed to. Everyone feels awkward at parties.' It's an appropriate feeling to feel. Votes: 0

Here in California, we passed a law against texting while driving. But there's no law preventing you from writing a letter while driving. Votes: 0

My son's always showing me pictures of dinosaurs and asking me what their names are. I dont know so I make stuff up: That son is a thesaurus. Votes: 0

I haven't had a drink in thirteen years, but occasionally I'm tempted to have one beer. The problem is that if I have that one beer, I wake up in Tijuana four days later with a tattoo and a sore ass Votes: 0

Valentine's Day is celebrated a little differently here in L.A. Nobody eats chocolate because of the calories, so people give each other tofu-shaped boxes filled with bean curd. Then they fantasize about what their Pilates instructor would be like if he was straight. Votes: 0

There is a scene in the movie where Astrid and Hiccup fly on Toothless's back toward the island of Berk. The animation is intensely real, from the waves on the sea to wisps of wind blowing in the characters' hair. The feeling I get watching that scene is why I fly - just for that feeling. Votes: 0

I've started looking at my own father a bit funny. He assures me, though, that I really am the son of a Scottish postman. Votes: 0

In the 1970s vampires were pretty boring. The scariest vampire was Count Chocula. One bite of Count Chocula and you were cursed with Type 2 diabetes. Votes: 0

I used to love going fishing. I think it was really about the clothes. Nothing says real man like a vest with 38 pockets and a mesh hat with hooks in it. Votes: 0

I'm crazy. I know I'm crazy 'cause Desmond Tutu told me, and he's very clever. He said, 'You must free yourself, be more of who you are. Be more crazy.' And I'm going to. Votes: 0

Anyone who's just driven 90 yards against huge men trying to kill them has earned the right to do Jazz hands. Votes: 0

Mark Zuckerberg was named Time's Person of the Year. I'm sorry if you don't recognize the name. A magazine is something people used to read. Votes: 0

I came to America, and I made good. It's an old story, but it hasn't been told in a long time. Usually, it's, 'I'm an immigrant, I came here and got persecuted.' My story is I came here, I worked hard, and it worked out all right. So it's still available. Votes: 0

If we are now holding late-night talk-show hosts to the same moral accountability as we hold politicians or clergymen, I'm out. I'm gone. Votes: 0

The idea of having Australians upset at me is just awful. Votes: 0

I think sometimes that people think brave means not being afraid, which of course it doesn't mean that at all. It means that you're afraid, but you move past that and do it anyway, do what you think is right. Votes: 0

Historically, when Americans don't know what to do next, they go to Paris. Benjamin Franklin is like: 'What am I going to do now? I'll go to Paris!' Votes: 0

They were singing, Gillette, the best a man can get, with a lot of guys hugging their fathers and sailing and riding bikes. I suddenly felt a long way from the best a man could get and I thought it would be nice to get from there to the best. Votes: 0

A friend of mine that I was in a band with started me on Kafka, which in turn led to Camus and Sartre. Votes: 0

It's very interesting to know what people are doing while you're working on late-night television. Votes: 0

Don't ever rope me in as a late-night talk show host. I don't want to be one. Votes: 0

I do a show. It comes on late at night on TV. And if that means I'm a late-night talk show host, then I guess I am, but in every other regard I resign my commission, I don't care for it. Votes: 0

I proved to my own satisfaction that I am madder than I think. Votes: 0

I just do my thing and try each show to be more honest about why I am and who I am. It's quite tricky and actually nerve-racking to do that. It's kind of a happy train wreck. Votes: 0

All they teach you in drama school is how to do stage fights and be a pain in rehearsals. Votes: 0

A lot of people come to L.A. looking for something. What I came here for, I realize now, is to be okay with myself. Votes: 0

Ros was dead. He had loved heroin more than it loved him. I was shocked beyond imagining; he was the first of my friends to fall. Votes: 0

...slow down and self-edit and ask yourself the three things you must always ask yourself before you say anything: "Does this need to be said?" "Does this need to be said by me?" "Does this need to be said by me now?" Votes: 0

This story is true. Of course, there are many lies therein and most of it did not happen, but it's all true. In that sense it is deeply religious, perhaps even biblical. Votes: 0

If it doesn't work, at least it will be an interesting train wreck. Votes: 0

I didn't say no because between safety and adventure I choose adventure. Votes: 0

Donald Trump showed his birth certificate to reporters. Who cares about his birth certificate? I want to know if that thing on his head has had its vaccinations. Votes: 0

Alcohol ruined me financially and morally, broke my heart and the hearts of too many others. Even though it did this to me and it almost killed me and I haven't touched a drop of it in seventeen years, sometimes I wonder if I could get away with drinking some now. I totally subscribe to the notion that alcoholism is a mental illness because thinking like that is clearly insane. Votes: 0

Thanks cows. I appreciate your tastiness. Votes: 0

It may be that the fear contains information. Something can be interesting if you get to the other side of that fear. Votes: 0

If I start giving people what they like I'll turn into one of them and I don't want to be one of them I want to be one of me. Votes: 0

I have that hypocrisy of a parent in that I'm like,'Come on, you've got to toughen up at the same time let me take care of that for you. Votes: 0

I'm gonna enjoy being old I think I'll be awesome at it. Votes: 0

Its easier to feel a little more spiritual with a couple of bucks in your pocket. Votes: 0

I'm reading a book, because I'm brainy. No, it is a book - if you don't know, it is like a blog except bigger. Votes: 0

The Bible has been through at least half a dozen translations by the time you read it. Plus, when the word of God is infected by the hand of man, that is, written down, it is tainted. Votes: 0

He was in awe of the thirst that people had for someone to tell them that everything was going to be all right. He marveled at the gullibility and vulnerability of his fellow humans. No wonder the churches called them sheep. They were woolly-headed pack animals being herded around for the benefit of whoever knew how to control the dogs. Votes: 0

Insiders say Obama's pretty comfortable around actors. He should be. He has been 'acting' like he was born in Hawaii for a long time. Votes: 0

I grew up in Scotland in the 1970s. There was not much money. The most popular Christmas toy was probably a potato. Votes: 0

It 's the time of year when Canadians mate. Votes: 0

The term Big Brother is from George Orwell's book 1984 - where everyone's watched over by a network of cameras called Big Brother. I've never understood why Orwell chose that phrase for somebody watching you all the time. Isn't that more like Creepy Uncle? Votes: 0

Don't protest outside of a rich man's house in the daytime, you'll just scare the maid, and that's Arnold Schwarzenegger's job. Votes: 0

It's a great day for Sarah Palin. She was hired as a commentator for Fox News. She signed a multi-year contract, which means she'll probably quit after a year. Votes: 0

It takes a long time to become a lawyer because you need three things - a bachelor's degree, a law degree, and a desire to worship Satan. Votes: 0

With good parody, you have to be smarter that the people you’re parodying. Votes: 0

Some people take the spelling bee very seriously. These people are called "parents of children in the spelling bee." They're trying to make up for their own childhood of crushed dreams and misspelled words. Votes: 0

You know who sang at Rush Limbaugh's wedding? Elton John! According to Rush, gay people can sing at weddings. Just not their own. Votes: 0

Rush Limbaugh says if the health care bill passes, he will leave the country. The Democrats are upset, because if they knew that, they would have passed the bill years ago. Votes: 0

Director Oliver Stone says he's going to make a movie about Vladimir Putin. I can't believe anyone would want to work with that insane communist. And Putin is a little crazy as well. Votes: 0

If I have a near-beer, I’m near beer. And if I’m near beer, I’m close to tequila. And if I’m close to tequila, I’m adjacent to cocaine. Votes: 0

....maybe fear is God's way of saying, "Pay attention, this could be fun. Votes: 0

Every day I ran to that book like it was a bottle of whiskey and crawled inside because it was a world that I had at least some control over, and slowly, in time, it began to take shape. Votes: 0

I am the Saudi Arabia of unhappiness. I have so many reserves of misery that you wouldn't understand. I actually think that's part of why I connect with Canadians. I think they understand grinding misery underneath. Votes: 0

These days, teachers have it rough. Kids can be hyperactive, disobedient, and obnoxious. It must feel like being locked in a room of drunk midgets. Votes: 0

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with telling the truth. I know it isn’t fashionable. Votes: 0

I aim to please. I'm nothing if not a vaudevillian. Votes: 0

Canada is not the party. Its the apartment above the party. Votes: 0

The 3-D effects in "Star Wars" are so realistic, you can actually see George Lucas reaching from the screen and taking the money from your wallet. Votes: 0

Things were very different back in 1992. There was unrest in the Middle East, we had a gridlocked Congress, and everybody was talking about Bill Cosby. Votes: 0

Jeb Bush announced today on the Internet that he may run for president. The next presidential election could be Bush vs. Clinton. It will be like 1992 all over again except I won't be in rehab. Votes: 0

The Danes are causing a bit of trouble. The kingdom of Denmark claimed the North Pole as their own. Hey, you can't just reach out and take something if you want it, Denmark. That's Russia's job. Votes: 0

Today Prince William went to Washington, D.C., and he met with President Obama. He said, 'It feels weird being in the White House because I'm not an American.' And then Prince William said, 'Yeah, me too.' Votes: 0

The meeting with Prince William took place at the White House because Prince William wanted to see where the president spent his days, but the golf course was covered in snow. Votes: 0

Change is the law of God's mind and resistance to it is the source of all pain. Votes: 0

Twas the night before Thanksgiving. Votes: 0

President Obama announced his re-election campaign, though it’s not really a surprise. He did all the things that make it official: He filed the paperwork, redesigned his website, and printed another fake birth certificate. Votes: 0

The Universe is very, very big. Votes: 0

The rain is giving much needed relief to California's crops. By that I mean 'marijuana.' Votes: 0

I only like sports that Bond villains played. Votes: 0

A lot of the U.S. used to be part of Mexico, including Arizona. But they're a bit touchy about that right now. Votes: 0

Osama bin Laden's death has been in the news all day. Leftish stations are going, 'President Obama saves the world.' Stations on the right are going, 'Obama kills fellow Muslim.' Votes: 0

I have a beard. Just not on my face... Votes: 0

I don't like the whole blowing the candles out ritual... blowing their germs all over the cake. If I want to catch something on my birthday. I don't want it to be from the cake. If you know what I'm saying... Votes: 0

I enjoy bathing, as many Europeans don't. Votes: 0

The most popular Valentine's Day gift is chocolate. In the 1800's, doctors told their patients to eat chocolate to get over a broken heart. They also thought if you're going to be alone, who cares if you get fat. Votes: 0

You know when you're a kid and you think, 'Oh no, I've got double math, this is never gonna end,' but then it ends, and it's like it never happened? That's like life. Votes: 0

A casino in South Dakota was robbed by a man dressed as a mummy. The police described the suspect as anywhere between 25 and 8,000 years old. Votes: 0

People sometimes say to me: "Craig, get out of my garden." Votes: 0

Another one of President Barack Obama's nominees is having tax issues, which proves one thing: The Democrats like raising the taxes, but they hate paying them. Votes: 0

Andy Warhol said that in the future everyone will be famous for 15 minutes. Facebook is exactly like that except you're not really famous and your 15 minutes goes on forever. Votes: 0

It's fantastic that Congress has an increasing number of women. Experts call an increasingly female presence in a previously male space 'the Bruce Jenner effect.' Votes: 0

For the first time in history, Congress has 100 women in it. Congratulations. Welcome to modern times, America. It's great having 100 women in Congress. Unless you're in line for the congressional bathroom. Votes: 0

Clay Aiken ran for Congress in North Carolina. But he didn't make it. Clay Aiken is famous for coming in second in a TV popularity contest that most people got fed up with years ago. He also lost on 'American Idol.' Votes: 0

Democrats in state legislatures are at their lowest level since the 1920s. President Obama has a can't-miss strategy to save the party in 2016. He's leaving. Votes: 0

It is a great day for the great state of Texas. The last person being tested for Ebola has come back clean. So Texas is now Ebola free. This was a big week for them. They're now free of Ebola - and Democrats. Votes: 0

It is Veterans Day, when we honor everyone who served in all of the campaigns. We honor them with dignity and respect, and of course mattress sales and tire discounts. Votes: 0

Last night on the show I had Olympics fever. Unfortunately, it's getting worse. That's not good. I have to call my doctor if my torch burns for more than four hours. Votes: 0

Personally, I hope he doesn't get out of the campaign. I need Rick Perry. I don't want to spend the next year trying to do jokes about Mitt Romney. Votes: 0

Love at first sight is not rare, in fact it is extremely common, it happens to some people a few times a year. The feeling of what if when meeting the eyes of a stranger can be love unrecognized. Votes: 0

Whoever I had become had to die. Votes: 0

Tomorrow's just your future yesterday. Votes: 0

In Washington, the U.S. House passed a bill unanimously. Every single member of both parties voted for it. What was it? To deny Social Security benefits to Nazis. So from now on, no SS for the SS. Votes: 0

Fat is where comedy is stored, Votes: 0

School did give me one of the greatest gifts of my life, though. I learned how to read, and for that I remain thankful. I would have died otherwise. As soon as I was able, I read, alone. Under the covers with a flashlight or in my corner of the attic—I sought solace in books. It was from books that I started to get an inkling of the kinds of assholes I was dealing with. I found allies too, in books, characters my age who were going through or had triumphed against the same bullshit. Votes: 0

Even the incorruptible are corruptible if they cannot accept the possibility of being mistaken. Infallibility is a sin in any man. All laws can be broken and are. Often. Votes: 0

I think people are as individual as snowflakes, they kinda look alike but no two are the exactly the same, and all classification is the root of prejudice. Votes: 0

You should never protest outside a rich guy's home during the day because he's not there. He's at work grinding the faces of the poor. Votes: 0

Don't hit women. Never, ever, ever. Votes: 0

New iPod. It looks like an iPhone but it can't make phone calls. So its really just an iPhone. Votes: 0

Aphrodisiacs come in many forms: food, drink, the internet... Votes: 0

Technically my dog's naked most of the time. Except halloween, when I dress him up as Liza Minelli. Votes: 0

I don't know why some people get worked up about gay people marrying. It's not gay people who are ruining the sanctity of marriage, it's celebrities. Votes: 0

It's tricky turning a book into a movie. Sometimes people love the book so much that no adaptation lives up to what they imagined. You can avoid that disappointment by never, ever reading books. Votes: 0

Apple released the upgraded version of the iPhone 4, called the iPhone 4S. I think the S stands for suckers. Votes: 0

I'm a vulgar lounge entertainer, I don't need to wear a tie. Votes: 0

I view my own body as a petting zoo. I am the main attraction... And the only customer. Votes: 0

Being the executive producer of a film is not that difficult. It just means that you have some power. There's not a huge amount of skill involved, I don't know how much I'm giving away here. I feel like that guy on Fox, giving away the magicians' tricks. It's not rocket science, being an executive producer of a film. Votes: 0

I love the United States. I have applied for citizenship. I want to take the oath of allegiance on TV. Votes: 0

A junkie will steal your purse, and then help you look for it. Votes: 0

Self help books are pointless. Here's something for you... Men are from Mars, women are from Venus, and self help books are from Uranus. Votes: 0

You know, where I come from, an antique, to be called an antique, it has to be at least a hundred years old. That's a law: before you can call something an antique, it has to be a hundred years old. In L.A., something that's been around for a couple of weeks is an antique. It's true! People are like, Look at this old-fashioned iPod. Look at this! It's the size of a man's hand! Ha ha ha ha. Back then-back then, people thought Mel Gibson was just acting crazy. It was a very different time. Votes: 0

It's a great day for America, everybody! It's Monday, woo. Votes: 0

I know that's not the right accent, but I can't do the right accent. It's either the wrong accent or another Octomom joke. Votes: 0

What we do have is nothin' but time. Welcome to the Shawshank Redemption of late night! Votes: 0

The devil is not abroad at night in the form of a cat or a wolf or any other animal. He lives eternally in the hearts of men. Votes: 0

That's the thing about terrorism - it works. Especially for the terrorists - they might not get what they want but it feels damn good trying. Votes: 0

According to a new study, Hawaii is the happiest place in America to live. And I thought it was just a great place to pretend you were born in. Votes: 0

If you watch cooking shows on cable, they have lots of British people. Because when you think good cooking, you immediately think Britain. Votes: 0

Some people watching CNN were so shocked they started rioting. No, I'm kidding. No one watches CNN. Votes: 0

Every year law schools churn out thousands of lawyers. We don't need any more lawyers. We need more lawyers like we need more talk-show hosts. Votes: 0

For a while, some schools across the country were banning spelling bees. For obvious reasons, of course - steroids Votes: 0

I always appreciated my teachers. When I was 16, I gave them the greatest gift I could think of. I dropped out of school. Votes: 0

Pies were invented 12,000 years ago by the Egyptians. It was an easy way to preserve food that would be carried over long distances. They were like ancient Slim Jims. Votes: 0

The problem with suicide is that it seems so flamboyant. It's camp. You have to be a bit of a drama queen to ever seriously consider it. Votes: 0

I did have a love for literature that overpowered my hatred of the people who taught it, and I think because I had no respect for the teachers, their attitude didn't poison the writing that I was discovering for myself. Votes: 0

Sober alkies are often asked: When did you hit rock bottom? but a more informed question might be: How many times did you hit rock bottom? Votes: 0

I think I'll be Scottish in every movie I write. They always try to talk me out of it, but Woody Allen is always a nebbish New Yorker. Why shouldn't I be a goofy Glaswegian? Votes: 0

You know, I think there's a good rule of thumb here: Don't take nutritional advice from other species. Votes: 0

A woman in Germany gave birth to a 13 1/2 pound baby. That baby was so fat his first word was strudel. Votes: 0

A lot of people in their 30's get nostalgic for their teen years. Then they get jobs in TV, become bitter and jaded and prematurely old. Then they turn their nostalgia into great television. Votes: 0

Even though it's warm here in L.A., people still have to wear layers - at least until their plastic surgery heals. Votes: 0

Here at CBS, spring also means March Madness. I love the name March Madness. I'm glad the PC police haven't made us change March Madness to early spring psychosis. Votes: 0

This is my first week as an American citizen. It's amazing. Now I can vote in the general election - and for American Idol. Votes: 0

President Obama said that we rely too much on gadgets. He gave a passionate speech about technology, but he had to stop when the teleprompter broke. Votes: 0

So far rich people have been very quiet about the possibility of getting taxes raised on them, but that doesn't mean they won't get mad about it, it just means they don't know about it. Because it takes a while for bad news to reach a rich person. First their accountant has to tell the butler, who has to tell the servant, who wouldn't dare interrupt their game of croquet. Votes: 0

I don't want to be poor. I don't want to be rich to the extent that all I care about is keeping my job. I don't care enough about keeping my job right now. That's good. That makes effective at what I do. I don't want to be frightened of getting fired. So to that end I suppose my ambitions are that I spend less than I earn. Votes: 0

Occasionally, when I lived in London, I would have sex with a girl from an aristocratic family. I always enjoyed doing to them what their ancestors did to my country. Votes: 0

Here's a tip for all you aspiring young comics: Don't beat up the customers. It is very difficult to get laughs from an audience when you've actually drawn blood from one of their number. It kills the mood. Votes: 0

Sometimes, in order to follow one's heart, one must do the wrong thing. Now, I'm not absolving anyone of their actions; you have to be responsible for your actions, sick or well, you have to be, you just have to be. All of us are accountable. Votes: 0

Tomorrow is your future's yesterday. Votes: 0

Anyway, if you needed something really dangerous, get a gun. It's easy, it's cheap, and it's the American way. Votes: 0

I'm hooked on email. That's right, kids, I'm one of you. Votes: 0

North Korea announced that they have nuclear weapons and they have no plans to give them up. The White House, acting quickly, announced their plan to invade Iran. Votes: 0

Cannabis always made me paranoid; I felt like people were watching me. And now I'm sober, and I've got this talk show in the middle of the night on CBS, and I now know that no one is watching me. Votes: 0

Sarah Palin. Remember Sarah Palin? She is adorable. She is back on the campaign trail. Really. She's going to campaign in the Senate runoff in Georgia. As soon as she finds out where Georgia is. Votes: 0

The difference between a broadcaster and a host is that a host tells stories and dumb jokes, but a broadcaster can articulate deeper like, you know - things and stuff. Votes: 0

According to a new study, our email is not as safe as we thought. How do they know this? They've been reading my email. Votes: 0

Being guilty tends to engender feelings of guilt. Votes: 0

I watched the Republican debate. At one point, the candidates said there are no classes in America, a point then hotly debated by all six rich white guys that were there. Votes: 0

Today Monopoly added a new game piece: the cat. The new piece was chosen after weeks of online voting. Is that a surprise? Whenever there's a vote for something on the Internet, the cat always wins. Votes: 0

People spend thousands of dollars trying to keep their teeth straight. I just hope we can live in a world where we accept gay teeth. Votes: 0

I'm careful with money. Votes: 0

There's just a feeling you get from certain things you do in life that just kind of feel pure and independent of what's actually, physically, going on. Votes: 0

Justin Bieber's tour bus was stopped by Canadian border patrol agents. And they found marijuana. The agents said Bieber was a disgrace to Canada and should never come back. Then they found the marijuana. Votes: 0

Evil does not question itself. Only Hope questions itself. Votes: 0

Confession is a sacred rite enhanced by allegory, exaggeration, and lies. Votes: 0

Being funny is a gift, and, when done well, is an art form. Votes: 0

Appear tougher or cooler or funnier than you feel and there is a chance you'll make it. Votes: 0

Wikipedia celebrates its 12th birthday today. Of course, I have no idea if it's true. I read it on Wikipedia. Votes: 0

They say give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. But teach a man to fish and he'll get his own show on the Discovery Channel. Votes: 0

I became a terrible drunk or alcoholic - or a good one depending on your point of view. Votes: 0

If you know anything about me - and, if you do, I'm sorry that your life turned out like that. Votes: 0

I don't like my politicians entertaining me and I don't like my entertainers politicianing me. Votes: 0

If you absolutely believe that what you do is right, you're bullet-proof. Votes: 0

If the Fed ceases hiking, against the backdrop of still rising commodity prices, then the Australian dollar will have few reasons for resisting any topside advances. Votes: 0

I do a public access show with puppets. Puppets called actors, TV and movie stars. Votes: 0

Oh Satan you're a wily one. Votes: 0

I dont know how to add things to my own wikipedia page. Votes: 0

I think comedy as an art involves the audience as a participant as much as is involves the artist. Votes: 0

Be careful who you choose as your hero or who you choose to deify, be it Clay Aiken or Barack Obama. You put all you're hope and all your dreams and all your ideas about stuff into one human being. They're a human being they're going to let you down. You can't make someone your hero because of something you read on the internet. The internet is not a source of information it is a source of disinformation. Votes: 0

There is a new survey out about the happiest professions. I think the whole premise is flawed. You're supposed to find true happiness outside of work. From friends, family, and YouTube videos of old people falling down. Votes: 0

I had lived in fear of the fabled terrifying visions that assail chronic drinkers, but which had not yet attacked me. Votes: 0

The White House announced plans to begin normalizing relations with Cuba - this as we're awkwardizing relations with Russia. Votes: 0

Stand by your bed and salute me. Votes: 0

Much of television has been homogenized in the desire to avoid annoying or upsetting people. Votes: 0

I think in our desire to create a better America,we have to have civilized debate in this country and not just yelling. Votes: 0

Sometimes people think you’re smart if you question the status quo, if nothing else. Votes: 0

At CBS, I’m in your house. I’m mindful of that. When I do standup, you’re in my home and I can say what I want to. Votes: 0

There's a commercial break coming and I'm very excited about it and you know why? Because that's what keeps daddy in suits. Votes: 0

Old people really do have a secret though. You wanna know what it is? Luck. Votes: 0

Look, there is nothing you can say about this show that I don't already know Votes: 0

114 isn't as old as it used to be they say its the new 104. Votes: 0

By the power of Steven Wright's Beard! Votes: 0

I realize that I am not a journalist. So anything I say is not important. Votes: 0

I do love America. And LA is a very short commute to America its like half an hour on the plane. Votes: 0

You know who they're blaming for global warming now? This is true. Fat people. Votes: 0

The world can be such a fright, but it belongs to us tonight. Votes: 0

I didn't flee a dictator or swim an ocean to be an American like some do. I just thought long and hard about it. Votes: 0

Betty White met with President Obama at the White House. President Obama invited Betty personally because she's great with animals. And the president's still having a tough time house-training Joe Biden. Votes: 0

That's here on CBS, where the 'C' stands for 'Classy' and the 'BS' speaks for itself. Votes: 0

There is a new bill in the Senate that is upsetting a lot of people. This bill would give the President the power to shut off the Internet. Al Gore is strongly opposed to it. Not because he invented the Internet. Because he did. But because he just signed up for Match.com. Votes: 0

It seemed that I performed better sober than drunk. Who knew? Votes: 0

If a man doesn't know how to dance he doesn't know how to make love, there I said it! Votes: 0

That's why I believe in a Constitution which separates church from state. I've seen what happens when they get in cahoots. Votes: 0

From this moment on I'd dedicate my life to rock and roll and take as many drugs as possible. What could possibly go wrong? Votes: 0

Climate change is a serious problem. We all need to do what we can. Unless that means I've got to change stuff. Then I'm not doing it. Votes: 0

Great, as long as you're happy Votes: 0

I found out it is just as hard to make a movie that you are not proud of as it is to make one you love. Votes: 0

I wanted to be a rock star. Votes: 0

I've been running my whole life. Running into bars, running around the world. But when you have a child, you can't run. That was a revelation. Votes: 0

When I stopped drinking, it was only because I thought if I don't stop, I'm going to die. Votes: 0

I come from a very critical culture. You know the Scots. They're always saying: 'Oh, no. It will never work. You'll never amount to anything. You've got to know your place in the world. Votes: 0

There are rumors that there is a John Edwards sex tape. People say it's twenty minutes of Edwards caressing and stroking...And that's just the part where he fixes his hair. Votes: 0

CBS announced they're canceling As The World Turns. Don't worry though, if you're addicted to the twisted plots, the intrigue, the illicit sex, you can still watch golf. Votes: 0

After all this time I found that the novel is in fact punk rock. Votes: 0

Scientists say over the next hundred years, the coast of California will sink almost five feet. So the presidential candidates need to do something. Mitt Romney is conflicted. On one hand, he denies that global warming exists. But if California is under water, he would definitely win the next election. Votes: 0

Allowances can always be made for your friends to disagree with you. Disagreement, vehement disagreement, is healthy. Debate is impossible without it. Evil does not question itself, only hope questions itself. Even the incorruptible are corruptible if they cannot accept the possibility of being mistaken. Infallibility is a sin in any man. All laws can be broken and are. Often. Like when a bumblebee flies or an ancient regime is toppled. Votes: 0

My job is to find the politicians and the presidents and the pompous people who are telling other people how to live, powerful, visible creatures and ... go at them. Votes: 0

I think I'm just someone that just tries to get by. I'm kind of - if it was during the Second World War, I'd be a black marketeer, I think. Votes: 0

I've got young kids, so it suits me to do a job which keeps me in town right now. Votes: 0

My pilot's license. I'm proud of that. Votes: 0

I hope what I do has an art to it, and as an artist you have to try new things and keep yourself entertained. Votes: 0

I have to do a show which is of interest to me, or else I'm lost. Votes: 0

The Afghan government is as corrupt as a prostitute with a law degree. Votes: 0

I don't get emails from my corporate overlords. Votes: 0

The truth is, you win the Lotto. That's really how you have to approach it. You're a lottery winner when you get a sitcom and it goes. Votes: 0

It's a book. It's mine. And it's done. Votes: 0

When in doubt about who's to blame. Blame the English. Votes: 0

There is no Thanksgiving back in the old country where I come from. You know why? Because being thankful is a sin. Votes: 0

Sometimes my pathology just spills out into the camera doesn't it? Votes: 0

You gotta laugh because if you didn't you'd cry Votes: 0

On that same tour we ran into a band at Aylesbury Friars, a biggish venue in Oxfordshire, England. They were a four-piece from Ireland called U2. They seemed like nice fellows and they sounded pretty good, but we didn’t keep in touch. They’re probably taxi drivers and accountants by now. Votes: 0

I'm always a bit shy around evil people... Votes: 0

He will know from and early age that failure is not disgrace. It's just a pitch that you missed, and you'd better get ready for the next one. The next one might be the shot heard round the world. My son and I are Americans, we prepare for glory by failing until we don't. Votes: 0

The Universe is very, very big. It also loves a paradox. For example, it has some extremely strict rules. Rule number one: Nothing lasts forever. Not you or your family or your house or your planet or the sun. It is an absolute rule. Therefore when someone says that their love will never die, it means that their love is not real, for everything that is real dies. Rule number two: Everything lasts forever. Votes: 0

I think holidays create so much pressure because people feel they should be having a good time. But you shouldn't. Votes: 0

The views expressed by Me are in no way endorsed by CBS any of its allied companies or in fact Me. Votes: 0

If you don't vote, you're a moron. Votes: 0

Bush's memoir is 512 pages. To be fair, 200 of those pages are just games and puzzles. Votes: 0

Larry King has been married more times than Henry the Eighth. We used to have that rhyme to keep track of them. 'Divorced, beheaded, died. Divorced, beheaded, survived.' With Larry I think it goes, 'Divorced, beheaded, divorced, escaped. Zombie, lesbian, disappeared, inflatable. Votes: 0

I realized women and humor were linked very closely. Votes: 0

It never occurred to them that God may have provided the world with a vast array of very brainy medical types for the very reason of solving problems such as theirs. However, there is one thing that the medical profession cannot do and that is save people from being idiots. Votes: 0

Ratings experts say the best way to get people to watch during sweeps is to leave the audience with a question that won't be answered until the next time the show is on. You know, like Who shot J.R.? I like to think I do this every night - the question is, Is this show still on? Votes: 0

People are saying that Anderson Cooper could be the new Oprah. And then these people are struck by lightning. Votes: 0

There are plans for a new high-speed train between Los Angeles and San Francisco. It will make the trip time 30 minutes. People in L.A. are like, Yes! And people in San Francisco are like, Yeah, sure, great. We look forward to seeing you. Votes: 0

I hated the summer jobs I had when I was a teenager. They were so mundane and repetitious, they deadened my soul. On the bright side, it was good training for this job. Votes: 0

A new restaurant here in Southern California requires women to wear high heels. I'm outraged! This is sexist! Why just the women? Votes: 0

I'm not aware of having a creepy laugh, but apparently I do. Votes: 0

The virus in the movie 'Contagion' is based on the bird flu which came out of nowhere back in 2008. Everyone thought it was going to change the way we live and it just faded away. Wait a minute, I'm talking about President Obama. Votes: 0

We do have a big kind of history in literate tradition of Vikings and we have a lot of Viking blood in Scotland, I mean especially up north wherever you go you see a plastic Viking sitting outside a shop and Viking calendars and - because they - you know they came down and stole all our chicks and then some of them didn't quite get back and ended up settling down here. So there's a lot of Viking blood in Scotland. Votes: 0