If I ever go into a coma, one of you has to promise to come by occasionally and tweeze my unibrow. Votes: 3
Even if I say, Everyone in the village died of diarrhea, I still laugh a little after diarrhea. Votes: 0
I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed. Votes: 0
I'm the Forrest Gump of comedy. Votes: 0
The Republican Party is the party of Eddie Haskell and the principal from Ferris Bueller's Day Off. Votes: 0
I don't mind being alone when I'm surrounded by people, I just hate being alone when I'm alone. Votes: 0
If I had a dreamcatcher when I was thirteen, it would have spent many long days in the dryer. Votes: 0
I love my dog, but since the kids came along, the petting has gone out of our relationship. Votes: 0
Anything is possible if you believe in yourself, said the guidance counsellor, stifling a laugh. Votes: 0
My first open mic was fantastic. I crushed. And my second mic was as bad as my first one was good. Votes: 0
You rarely get a convincing lecture on playing to your strength from a bald guy with a ponytail. Votes: 0
Do transvestites have to dress up for Halloween or do they pretty much qualify from the get-go? Votes: 0
Is it still okay to make fun of schizophrenics? There's a little voice in my head that says no. Votes: 0
Competition is the death of art. Votes: 0
Let's all start wearing bolo ties, and when they become hip again, we'll all say we were kidding. Votes: 0
In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man will probably end up dating the best looking blind chick. Votes: 0
The gun legislation was doomed the minute it became associated with the words common sense. Votes: 0
I just staunchly bought one frame during a two-for-one frame sale and barely left the store alive. Votes: 0
If God is all powerful, and Jesus is the son of God, why did He make His birthday fall on Christmas? Votes: 0
There's something vaguely erotic about watching a woman eat a banana while cupping two plums. Votes: 0
I've grown tired of resting on my laurels and have decided to start resting on my failures. Votes: 0
Love means never having to say you're sorry. Marriage means apologizing when you know you're right. Votes: 0