Top quotes by Dane Cook

My mom and dad passed away from cancer. Within nine months, I lost both of my folks. Immediately after that, I had a horrible betrayal where my brother, who worked for me, stole a lot of my money. He's in jail now. Votes: 27

I can always get better. A lot of my ex-girlfriends don't think I'm funny. Votes: 14

I grew up very self-loathing. I was a phobic. I had anxiety. I had panic attacks. Votes: 14

I had the humble beginnings. I was doing comedy in laundry mats in 1992, literally where I would bring a little gorilla amp and a lapel mike and just start performing. Votes: 12

If you use tact you can say anything, then make it funny. Votes: 11

I'm quitting the business today. I'm going to open up an appliance store, I've always really been into toasters. I'm giving it all up. Votes: 11

As a comedian, I am obligated to tell you the truth, my truth. To share with you my beliefs, my perspective. And I think that we forget sometimes that that's the oath that comics take, that we will go up and share everything - the irreverent, the scary. Votes: 10

Here's the thing about Red Sox fans, or actually just fans from that region, in general: they appreciate the effort. And if you mail it in or if you give 80 percent, even with a win, they'll let you know that's not how you do it. They want - if it's comedian, if it's a musician, bring us your best show. Votes: 10

I was not a silly kid or outgoing. In fact, I suffered from quite a bit of anxiety. I used to have panic attacks when I was a teenager, really incapacitating moments, because I had some phobias. Votes: 10

If haters or whatever want to find you - I mean, some of them are so tenacious. You want to hire them to work for you. They're very, very savvy in terms of how they find you and get to you. Votes: 10

I like to play guitar, jam out, play the blues, go watch movies. I love movies. Votes: 10

I'm glad that my parents missed one thing that was really unbelievable. They saw me hit this great success. It was a blast and we had a lot of laughs. And it was just an amazing time. They passed away. And then after I got, you know, famous, all these haters came out of nowhere. Votes: 9

I'm focused on staying as healthy as I can so I can work more. Votes: 9

When people refer to 'Back in the Day,' it was a Wednesday. Just a little fun fact for you. Votes: 8

The little boy inside of all us men always loves something video game related. Votes: 8

My professional dreams were coming true while I was living a personal nightmare. Votes: 7

My mom and dad passed away from cancer. Within nine months, I lost both of my folks. Immediately after that, I had a horrible betrayal where my brother, who worked for me, stole a lot of my money. He's in jail now." Votes: 7

I always thought that if I got no love at all early in my standup career, or I was god awful, I thought I'd get into psychology. Votes: 6

People know I have a good time on stage. I love my life. I love my job. Votes: 6

When I'm looking for hot button answers to tough questions, I don't look to congressman or my mayor. I say, 'What would Miss U.S.A. have to say about this?' Votes: 6

I say it with my tongue firmly planted in cheek but there's truth to it - being a comedian is very close to being a therapist. When you're working smaller clubs, you're listening. You're feeling an energy, you're going with a tone but when people start yelling out, you almost start a conversation with people. Votes: 5

Vince Vaughn is a genuine person, awesome guy. He'll come to a lot of my shows. It's not that often that you can meet someone as cool as Vince. Votes: 4

There's always someone in every group of friends that nobody likes. Votes: 4

I have new ideas every day, and I always want to take on new challenges. Votes: 4

I love being on stage if I'm not on a set. If I'm at home, I'm usually in my office editing or reconstructing my website or whatever it may be. I just love putting creativity into a performance, so if the right script comes along, and I certainly am reading comedies and dramas now, then I'm ready willing and able to give it a shot. Votes: 3

I like fearless characters, people just not afraid to do anything it takes to make people laugh. Votes: 3

I'm shooting a pilot based on my show. It's a one-camera show. I play myself. Votes: 2

I was doing comedy in laundry mats in 1992, literally where I would bring a little gorilla amp and a lapel mike and just start performing." Votes: 1

I'm glad that my parents missed one thing that was really unbelievable. They saw me hit this great success. It was a blast and we had a lot of laughs. And it was just an amazing time. They passed away. And then after I got, you know, famous, all these haters came out of nowhere." Votes: 1

Are there glass shards in my anus? Votes: 0

I don't write any of my material down. I like to improvise and be spontaneous. Votes: 0

Here's how you know that you're really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the time. Votes: 0

A couple of days back, I got into a car accident. Not my fault. Even if it's not your fault, the other person gets out of their car and looks at you like it's your fault: Why did you stop at a red light and let me hit you doing 80! Votes: 0

We all hope for breakthrough rebirth moments. When you're headed for a breakthrough moment, it's kind of scary because you say, 'If I break through then I have to make great change in my life.' Votes: 0

I got home from work today and took like a one hundred hour nap. No you did not. You'd be very sick if you were taking one hundred hour naps. That's a coma! If you said you took a coma after work I'd be able to follow the story. Votes: 0

Some people have constipation of the brain but their mouth has the runs. Votes: 0

When I'm wrong I'm like the Emperor on the Death Star thinking he'll turn Luke. Yet, when I'm right I'm a Jedi like my father before me. Votes: 0

I'm a deep thinker when it comes to shallow no brainers. Votes: 0

Ex-girlfriends will find themselves in my new routine. Sometimes they like that, and sometimes they definitely do not. But comedians should come with a giant warning or disclaimer: IF YOU DATE ME, IT WILL BE IN MY ACT. Votes: 0

On stage I am the actor, director and the bouncer all at the same time. Fear does not exist in this dojo does it? No Sensi! Sorry when I get excited I have to toss in some Karate Kid quotes. Votes: 0

It's amazing how dumb people can impress you with how much stupider they can be when they really assert themselves. Votes: 0

Every time you come in from cheating on someone, they'll just whip out the most adorable term of endearment. Like, they'll wake up, bright and early, sleep in their eyes and say: "Hey, perfect." Votes: 0

There's estrogen running through my veins! Votes: 0

Listening to Evanescence makes me want to break up with a girl in real time as a giant antique hourglass falls to the floor in slow motion. Votes: 0

I had one job that was kind of cop-like. One summer I did security at a miniature golf course. Just standing out in the sun all day, Hey, hey, excuse me sir. Get your putter out of the whale's ass. Come on, this is a place of miniature business. This is not a playground even though it looks like a playground. Votes: 0

In school I was pretty quiet. Kinda shy until my junior year. But at home I was a freak. Votes: 0

You know your gut instincts are spot on about a person when you can also detect a water source in the soil beneath them. Votes: 0

I love hecklers. They remind you that you are a comedian. Votes: 0

Video games don't make people go nuts. I played Super Mario forever. Not once hopping on a turtle or smash my head through a brick ceiling. Votes: 0

Dear semi hot girl taking photos on a boat. It's not your boat so stop acting like you own it. You drive a used Civic. Votes: 0

I live my life like there's no yesterday. Votes: 0

I'm a late-night guy. Votes: 0

I'm sure that people who have been tweeting funny things have ended up on writing staffs of a late night show. Votes: 0

I don't laugh out loud at comics a lot. Votes: 0

I don't like littering and I think it leads to terrorist activities. Votes: 0

You can easily tell if a person is lying and cheating on you if they say, I love you. I would never lie to you or cheat on you. Votes: 0

My advice is: to try and stay really true to the things that make YOU laugh, as opposed to trying to create a character that you think is funny. Some comedians get into bad habits when they are trying to create something that is not them, and they are trying to write a voice that isn't their true voice. Votes: 0

My grandmother died of natural causes. Or as my family calls it murdered by the lord. Votes: 0

If you have to be at work at 8, it's always like, 7:54. Just enough time to do nothing. To just lay there and go, "I can't do anything! I can't even have an English muffin! Votes: 0

My nickname for my mom was 'The Compass.' Votes: 0

Some girls look beautiful with no makeup on at all. I call them lazy. Now go throw some war paint on you bleak empty canvas you. Votes: 0

It's hard dealing with day to day disappointments and feeling like you can't find success. Especially when your best friend is Pixar. Votes: 0

There will be a guy in a yellow poncho, his name is Hank, he will take you to the whopper lair. Votes: 0

I was told by a girl once that I should teach a course on how to kiss properly. I thought that was really a nice compliment. I then asked her what she thought about my sexual prowess and she recommended I talk to a guy she used to date. Body blow. Votes: 0

I'm fine, I am just going to go over here and puke shards of my own pelvis into this bush. Votes: 0

Why do they call it the restroom? Is there anybody just resting in this room? Votes: 0

I do think I am funny, or I wouldn't be where I am today. I do think there is always room for improvement and learning. Votes: 0

You can try to steal the thunder all you want, it just reminds people I'm the lightning. You rumble in the distance. I light up the sky. Votes: 0

I am an observer, I like to watch people. I am into psychology and people - how they act and such. Votes: 0

I can do more than just stand-up comedy, and the only way I'll be able to show that is if I do it myself. Because nobody trusts that I can do it. Votes: 0

If haters or whatever want to find you - I mean, some of them are so tenacious. You want to hire them to work for you. Theyre very, very savvy in terms of how they find you and get to you. Votes: 0

I feel like I was born and bred to stay self-motivated. I'm not one of those people who ho-hums and feels sorry for himself when something's bad. Votes: 0

Created a word game to play with a person you're fighting with. Silent Treatment. Nothing happens until one of you quietly says, Hey, you hungry? Votes: 0

I would still have old ladies come up to me after the show and pat me on the cheek after I had said all this vulgar stuff. They would be like, 'Oh you're a silly boy - we know you're just playing. Votes: 0

Someone needs to make a zombie movie where when you get bit it turns you into a singing and dancing extraordinaire. Votes: 0

This is a dream come true. HBO is the highest echelon in the world for a stand-up comedian to attain. Throughout my career I've trusted my instincts to lead me down the right path, and I am honored to work together with this network while contributing to the legacy that is HBO. Votes: 0

You need to open up your soul and have a weep-a-thon. Votes: 0

I don't like when juice wears tights, its a horrible combination when juice wears tights. Votes: 0

Time machine... wouldn't you like to travel through time? I would. I'd go back... mess with people. You know what I would do? I would go back to when my mom and dad were having sex, to have me. Ya'know, come in, spank my dad on the ass I'm your son from the future! Ahaha! Votes: 0

You know you're lazy when you run out of toilet paper and use the cardboard roll to wipe with. Votes: 0

Trolls look for reasons to hate but really what they are mad at is the fact they are not included in anything ever. Votes: 0

I can't watch a woman play with herself - to me, it looks like a DJ working the turntables... DJ Diddles. Votes: 0

Anger has a way of seeping into every other emotion and planting itself in there. Votes: 0

Valentine's Day is a time to celebrate the joy of being in love. Unless you're single & lonely then it's called Laundry Day. Votes: 0

My mother had a lot of phobias. She's pregnant with me and she was a very phobic person. So I was born into phobia, basically. Votes: 0

If you're drunk please don't drive. If you're on shrooms please don't think Walmart's a prison for bad clothing that needs help escaping. Votes: 0

I feel like people who don't brag are trying to make you jealous by thinking they're hiding something more even exciting. Votes: 0

I think that people who do enjoy my stand-up comedy and the people who get it and the people who are taken in by it, they see that I'm a guy that has love of the game. Votes: 0

I was doing comedy in laundry mats in 1992, literally where I would bring a little gorilla amp and a lapel mike and just start performing. Votes: 0

We all hope for breakthrough rebirth moments. Votes: 0

I do try to keep my show very improvisational. I don't work off a set list; I like to keep it more in the moment. I like to have information about where I'm going, what might be happening in that particular region as well. I like for people to feel like the show is for them. Votes: 0

When you're on a movie set and you are hopefully making a comedy, everyone's stifling their laughter. You're looking at the crew guys, hoping someone is making that face like, and not like, this is not working out, man. Votes: 0

Jim Norton and Harland Williams always make me laugh. Votes: 0

I did stand-up comedy for seventeen years. I need to explore other things. Votes: 0

I'm always going to be someone that people enjoy watching. Votes: 0

I've lived in LA for so long, I don't even know what is real and what isn't any more. Votes: 0

When you are doing stand-up comedy, you are the writer, producer, director, sometimes bouncer. Votes: 0

Nothing is a better icebreaker than a great joke. Votes: 0

Losing my mind sounds so pessimistic. I prefer the term winning my insanity. Votes: 0

Let's talk a little about love. Sometimes you meet somebody and you have what is known as a relationship and things can go great. If things go great you have a great relationship. Sometimes it doesn't go so great and I call that a relationshit! Votes: 0

When you're not in love, when you don't have love, everybody you know falls in love on like the same day - even Karen the douche bag falls in love! Even retarded people in your neighborhood are getting married on their front lawn as you drive by, “What? The 'tards just got married on their lawn. That's great! I have nobody, and the 'tards just committed to each other for a lifetime of 'tardiness”. Votes: 0

When you see somebody walking down the street wearing a Superman t-shirt, you just want to shoot them in the chest ... when they start to bleed go, I guess not Votes: 0

Strip clubs are great places to meet interesting people you only wanna know for about 40 minutes. Votes: 0

Comedy crowds - we always want to come out and ask you, 'How you feeling?' We always say that, 'By a round of applause, how do you feel?' Right? 'By a round of applause, how you feeling?' It's the only place in the world that you judge how you're feeling by a round of applause... There's never like a car accident, people all over the ground, people running over - 'Ma'am! Ma'am! By a round of applause, how do you feel? By a round of applause - she's not clapping! Votes: 0

I never leave a dog alone in a car on a hot day. I make sure it's with an elderly person holding a baby. Votes: 0

I once overheard the sweetest old woman behind me on a train tell her adorable old husband as he scoffed down a ham sandwich she had brought along, "If you ever yell at me to "stop bringing a ham sandwich with me every where we go" again? Next time I'm bringing a gun. And I'm blowing your God damn head off." Votes: 0

Sometimes, when a person gains a lot of success at a very young age, they become targets, and it's really easy to follow the crowds and not make independent decisions based on truly how you feel. Votes: 0

My real first job was delivering newspapers with I was 15. I would ride my bike around and chuck papers at people's houses. The thing that sucked is when I would go collecting everyone acted like they were not home. Totally sucked but because I could control the weather I showered trashcan size hail down on their homes until they were completely decimated. Votes: 0

I'm interested in doing anything and everything that I can to squeeze the creativity out of my brain. I guess I'm kind of a performance rat, that's what I want to do, I love being on stage if I'm not on a set. I just love putting creativity into a performance. Votes: 0

Some people give you that motivation to work harder simply to get the hell away from wherever they are. Votes: 0

When someone's running late through an airport, I hope they miss their flight so they can meet the love of their life at the duty free shop. Votes: 0

What am I supposed to say to an atheist when he sneezes, ah, when you die nothing happens. Votes: 0

Saw a lost dog sign with a pic of the dog and a little boy hugging it. I'm assuming the kids safe and we're just focusing on the pooch. Votes: 0

If you live far away from a person you no longer want to date just let them know that they are geographically undesirable. Votes: 0

Sometimes sex is just a way to escape having to talk to that person. Votes: 0

I am going to name a group of my kids after my favorite cartoons, I am going to name them after Transformers. Votes: 0

I'm not racist, I've got a black president. Votes: 0

It's an incredible feeling falling in love someone who doesn't know you exist. Votes: 0

I have never even had a sip of alcohol, never have done drugs. The hardest thing I have ever done would be Pepsi. Votes: 0

I'm not giving up on life. I'm giving up on today. Votes: 0

I miss dating only for that final moment you kiss goodnight, watch her get out of your car and run into the police station. Votes: 0

Why do bad guys in movies always love to whistle really slowly? Votes: 0

Text a guy you like right now, "I'm thinking about you." If he says, "mmm are you in bed?" Never speak to him again he's a lifelong moron. Votes: 0

Every great thing starts with an idea, followed by a doubt and finally a resolve to abandon or pursue. Victory is a treacherous journey. Votes: 0

When you delete pictures of your ex off your phone, it feels lighter. Votes: 0

You can't teach an old hater new truths. Votes: 0

Every joke has its origin - the punching people in the face joke. It hurts like hell to get punched in the face. Votes: 0

When a guy says "I have no idea what you're talking about" it means "I'm thinking of exactly what you're saying I did while I lie to you." Votes: 0

I think beating someone to death with a ukulele would just sound funny. Votes: 0

It's not for any purpose such as religion, health, or things like that, I just never felt I had the need or want to drink or do drugs. Votes: 0

I can smell bullshit from a mile away but it's so much harder to detect when it's around you all day. Votes: 0

I'm really great in other peoples relationships. Votes: 0

I was home educated but would skip my lessons to go hang out at school. Votes: 0

You know your girls up to no good when her and her friends make a pact to post nothing on Instagram. Votes: 0

I'm curious by individuals that embrace half a story so they can justify how incomplete they feel about their own self worth. Votes: 0

I have faith in all mankind. Well,not faith really, more like hopeful suspicion. And not "all" but 5 people. Mankind meaning computers. Votes: 0

It really drives me banana sangwich. Votes: 0

I would love to have acidy spit. Votes: 0

How do you fall into a lion's den, that is my first question there, you think you would be extra carefull around a den of lions. Votes: 0

When you get hit by a car sometimes your shoes will fly off, sometimes your pants will come off, but I was not fortunate enough to see the pants portion. Votes: 0

I'm going to hell, ah... but you're laughing, so you're coming. Votes: 0

They used to beat me up after Sunday School, I used to get beat up... yeah, that's a nice little thank you from Jesus. Votes: 0

Nice teeth is a turn on for me. If you open your mouth and it looks like a battle of epic proportions, I don't like it. Votes: 0

When I have a really hot date at a show, I definitely make it a point to use her name. The girls really love that. Votes: 0

In the year 3000, everything will be instant. Votes: 0

I always wanted to do a B&E. Not bacon and eggs. Although I could always go for bacon and eggs. I'm talking about breaking in and entering. Votes: 0

You know what I'd like to be able to do more than anything else? I'd love to be able to shoot spaghetti out of my fingertips. Pppptthhh! Cause no one wants to be covered in spaghetti. No. If I'm on a date with a girl and she's very rude, I'd be like, You know what? Pppptthhh! Enjoy your spaghetti, you're very rude. Enjoy your spaghetti, cause you're rude. Pppptthhh! Votes: 0

I won't take no for a question. Votes: 0

I could take my time, and nobody was pressuring me to be a headliner. I could go up there, find my voice, and figure out what I wanted to do. Votes: 0

We never had a pool, right. So one summer, I remember. My dad, to make me happy. You know I was bummed out cause we didn't have the pool. So one summer he bought us this thing. It was yellow, you laid it on the lawn, sprayed it with the water, run across. Slip n' Slide. Yeah. Would have been fun if dad checked for rocks before he laid it down! Slip n' Bleed from the anus they should have called this ride. Votes: 0

Ma'am, are you trying to molest me via drivethru? Votes: 0

My brain is very fantastical. If I ever actually recorded myself, I could probably win a Grammy for sex talk. Being on the road while in relationships, you need to learn to pleasure one another. Votes: 0

Sometimes, when you want to make a difference in a person's life, stay out of it. Votes: 0

It's hard to be happy for someone when you know deep down they'd kill you if they had the chance. Votes: 0

I found someones passport on the ground tonight. Where do you sell these things? Votes: 0

If you're 1 of the 3 girls in pics with a greaseball whose arms are around you at a club you lose at life. If you're the greaseball you win. Votes: 0

You must accept responsibility for your actions. This doesn't include reactions, interactions or transactions if you're thinkin' loophole. Votes: 0

I've been ignoring my feelings lately. That works pretty well. Might also settle for less this week, just to try it out. Votes: 0

Sometimes girls act all TNT Network because they know drama. That's when guys get all TBS around you because we think it's very funny. Votes: 0

Hi, I'm a buck tooth and I like to be outside past the lips. Votes: 0

I'm bringing back the skinny tie but wearing it tied around my balls. Votes: 0

Quote/Unquote and you can quote me on the quote/unquote. Votes: 0

I have a new saying, what I see in Vegas, I am telling everybody. Votes: 0

I can't do anything! I can't even have an English muffin! Votes: 0

When you hand someone a camera, why do they act like you just asked them to dissemble a bomb? They take it and they're like, 'What do I do ... I don't really ... ha-huh ...' Yeah, it's the button on the top right where it always is since the beginning of #*@! time! Votes: 0

I saw a young boy eating an ice cream cone, ... I smashed it in his face. You know that kid is going to remember me when he's 50. Votes: 0

It was peace. Peace is when you would shake the hands of the people around you. And you knew peace was coming because the priest would say it five times rapid fire. He'd go, “My peace I leave, my peace I give to you. While we ate Reese's Pieces with the Lord. And I have a piece of lint in my peaceful eye! Votes: 0

When you don't have love, it is like there's a party going on and everybody was invited except for you ... and you just happen to walk by that house in the rain Votes: 0

I feel like the gods have certainly patted me on the head. Votes: 0

Pain only hurts when you are looking for a reason to quit. You don't feel a thing when you know you can still win. Votes: 0

Start each day out the holy way..with Christ Chex, it's a miracle in a bowl. Just open the box and you hear AHHHHH....and then a lil' angel flies out and says 'good morning, life is beautiful!'. Votes: 0

What happens in Vegas, I'm telling everyone. Votes: 0

I don't know if I could kill someone with a frozen turkey because that is a lot of evidence to eat .... unless I found a whole room of people who also wanted that person dead. Votes: 0

When you swear to God, its true ... right now God is watching and saying, this is true. Votes: 0

I say God bless you, I don't say bless you ... I am not the Lord, I can't do that. Votes: 0

I was very good at kickball ... I was wonderful at ah doing that kick and your leg goes up and your shoe went on top of the school Votes: 0

My fam is just a regular family. But all of them have great senses of humor. Votes: 0

You've gotta share what's going on in your mind. Votes: 0

Christina can sing all the notes, but Britney is just hot! Votes: 0

I've always read books and loved human behavior since I was ten or twelve years old. Maybe even that's why I wanted to do comedy. Votes: 0

I work with a lot of kids. Every year, for the past fifteen years, I work at Comedy Camp where I work with a lot of kids. Votes: 0

I had never done a roast, but I really wanted to, because it's so different from standup. Votes: 0

I don't know if I could rebuild an airplane engine, but I know a little bit about rotors and rivets. Votes: 0

A lot of comics are kind of vampire types; we do our shows and disappear into the night. My philosophy was, this is like politics, and if I want people to know about my campaign, I'm going to go out there and shake hands. Votes: 0

I get so into the moment. Votes: 0

Three weeks ago one of my dreams came true. I finally got to see something I always wanted to witness live. I finally saw someone get hit by a car... Nailed! Votes: 0

No one wants to drown. Drowning would be the worst. Cause everyone knows that feeling. That feeling, oh it's the worst... when you think you're drowning. Votes: 0

When I first hit the scene, it was just a lot of go, go, go, go, go. I have a lot of natural energy anyway, but it was over the top. Votes: 0

You have to learn the crowd. I just pay attention to them so I can make sure I can make them laugh. Votes: 0

We're all gonna lie, we're all gonna cry, and we're all gonna take painful shits. Votes: 0

I was being chased by a giant crab. [Audience laughs] That's not funny. Votes: 0

That MySpace is the story of the year. Everyone but my mother is on it. Votes: 0

Any guy that refers to dating women as the hunt or being on the prowl should be evaluated for a number of conditions. Votes: 0

I don't have to do anything for anyone else's benefit anymore. I just want to exceed my own expectations. Votes: 0

Then it was snack time, right in the middle of mass. Right out of nowhere, the priest would look down and say, 'Let's have some yum yums!' You would get in line - you would jump in the line - and you would go up and get the crouton O'Christ. Votes: 0

I always wanted to be a snake. Every time I saw a snake on TV. I'd always say 'Why not me?' Votes: 0

When somebody says I wouldn't change a thing they're thinking of something they would change. Votes: 0

I love singing along to the radio while I'm riding in the back of a squad car. Votes: 0

The problem with dating a model is they won't go out with you if your cars color doesn't match their outfit. Votes: 0

True love is when you're cheating on a person but the thought of them still makes your eyes smile! Votes: 0

I'm watching some television tonight. I'm watching The Discovery Channel. You know, this channel, you never ever plan on watching this. It just happens. You're flickin' around, all of a sudden - boom - you're watching a mole for an hour-and-a-half. Votes: 0

Sometimes the only solution is figuring out a bigger problem to focus on. Votes: 0

Drive, ego and cocksureness are all essential elements in terms of getting exactly what you want but losing everything you've got. Votes: 0

You are the director of your own life story. Don't cast idiots or people will walk out during your 2nd act. Votes: 0

If you take a negative, turn it inside out, it's still a negative. You're just revealing the ugly inside of negative so I say keep it as is. Votes: 0

Teach your kids to make deplorable choices and hopefully they'll rebel and make the right ones. Votes: 0

It's the worst feeling when you come home alone late at night and think the stranger sitting on your couch is a pile of clothes. Votes: 0

If you lie to a person at least tell someone else you've lied to the truth. It balances out your karma. Votes: 0

Sometimes, like we all do, I look at myself in the mirror. Sometimes I cry. Like a really hard cry like you just watch yourself cry but then you're done and you're just glowing and you're staring at yourself. Votes: 0

I'm willing to write a check for $10,000 if someone can bring to me what I fell is ruining thousands of lives, destroying lives everyday. And I know that you know it's a little thing called Chupacabra. Votes: 0

You can't become tempted if you just give in a little quicker. Votes: 0

I can't relate to the idea of suicide. I guess I'm just one of those people that is always optimistic and upbeat. But one day, I sat down. I said 'You know what? Just to kind of purge myself, I want to see what its like to feel that low'. So I decided to write a suicide note. Yeah, just to kinda flush it out there and put it on a page. And I started to do this, and I had an epiphany. I'll share this with you: a suicide note that is written by somebody that is not suicidal is called an autobiography. I am on Chapter 58. Votes: 0

I'm in a new club, by the way. And I don't know if you're first timers like I am, but I'm in the 'I Just Dropped My Cell Phone In My Own Piss' Club. Have you done that? Yeah, good times. I'm on the phone and I forget that I'm using shoulder technique. Urinals were taken so I went in to use the regular john. And as I'm standing there, mid-conversation, I'm like 'Are you serious?' and it just started to toboggan right down my powerful chest. Votes: 0

My favorite sexual position is when the girl is facing Mecca and I am fighting off a wolf. Votes: 0

There were times, earlier in my career, where I didn't have the wherewithal to self-edit, and I probably said things and pushed the limits to places where people might be put off. But that's truly part of developing as an artist. Votes: 0

Onstage, it's all just a heightened and more elaborate version of me. When you're standing onstage, your adrenaline is going, your enthusiasm is at full tilt, and the excitement helps elevate you're attitude. I've always wanted to be as close to myself offstage, being funny with my buddies, and that's what I've worked hard on - being authentic to who I really am. Votes: 0

If you think your demeanor is mellow or not particularly charismatic, the material can life you higher. So write everyday, and get onstage or in a coffee shop where they are doing open mice, anywhere you can perform even if that means starting your own open mic night - and be your own self. Votes: 0

You have to realize, when you're a comedian, that you have to have a thick skin. And trust me, being onstage in front of people is already difficult enough. Somebody's personal attack in an email is not as hard as getting onstage. Votes: 0

There was a girl I loved in high school - but never spoke to. Cut to my five-year reunion: I'm an entirely different person. Votes: 0

The key to attempting to create art in some aspect is also knowing that it will turn some people off. Votes: 0

Even when I go to a salad bar, I need to feel like I'm one of the first people there. Votes: 0

You have to have a strong sense of humor to date me, and also know that you're probably going to be a part of the routine quite a bit. Votes: 0

If my voice can resonate that way with kids, maybe it will resonate through 'Planes' as well, and they'll hear that little something that I'm giving to them, a performance that says to them, "I want to try." It's all interconnected. I don't think it's thinking too deeply about it. Votes: 0

Comedy is immediate. Comedy is a solo mission. You're all by yourself, up there. And when you're in a film, on a set, it's a collaborative effort. It's about me being a tool for somebody else to create a story and a character from nothing, from their imagination. Votes: 0

I just get excited doing shows. Off stage I am actually very feeble and must be spoon-fed because my hands are too brittle. Votes: 0

I don't like people that litter. If you don't throw a wrapper in the trashcan and you just toss it out on the ground I wanna take you and toss you into outer space. Votes: 0

The whole thing with comedy is that you are always in control. Writer, director, actor, producer, and sometimes bouncer. And you are just a piece of their puzzle. Votes: 0

If a kid is really interested in wanting to have a career in aviation, he's actually learning and getting some of the [basics], not even just fringe. There are things in here that movie [Planes] about like the pulp of an engine, and it's the actual engine, the actual parts and pieces. So I felt like I got schooled as well. I learned a lot just being in there and doing that. Votes: 0

I don't get any anxiety. I don't because of two reasons. Number one, just breaking through it as a kid and finally getting past it was like okay, nothing's ever going to feel that scary again as that deafening silence of a joke not working. Any joke not working is not as bad as not being able to even try and get on stage. Votes: 0

After you have loss in your life and after you experience something like losing your parents, the greatest gift of that was it prepared me for [anything]. Nothing else is as scary, and certainly stand-up comedy is not as scary as sitting there with your mom and having to have last conversations and things like that. It's heavy stuff, but it's enlightening because it makes me think I shouldn't be afraid of sharing ideas and thoughts with people. It's the yin and the yang of life. Votes: 0

I want to be able to challenge myself. And do things that are away from what I usually do. Stand-up is safe for me. I can do stand-up in front of twenty-five thousand people, and I'm like, "I know how to do this. This is what I do." I want to be a little scared. Votes: 0

Because of what I experienced when I was a kid, I want kids to have that kind of an epiphany moment, that little jolt, that little spark that they see when Dusty ['Planes'] flies higher than he has before. That scene where he flies straight up, and he's starting to get dizzy, and then finally it comes together. We forget as adults. We get jaded and we think that's kids' stuff, but for a kid who doesn't know about anything technical or how a movie is made, they're just going to see this and hear this beautiful score and see this dynamic, fantastical thing happening in front of them. Votes: 0