Fall is my favorite season in Los Angeles, watching the birds change color and fall from the trees. Votes: 29
Here's a little known fact - Arnold is the first body builder to run for governor since Janet Reno. Votes: 19
Iraq's elite Republican Guard is doing so badly they're changing their name to the Democratic Guard. Votes: 14
Obesity is now a problem in the navy. They've created a new rank: Really Big Rear Admiral. Votes: 11
Osama bin Laden was living in that compound with three wives. It's like he was Newt Gingrich. Votes: 0
Donald Trump is on the show tonight. Donald is a big man, I think 230 pounds -- 235 with cologne. Votes: 0
I got my lips chewed off by a dingo! Votes: 0
Have you been following the big oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico? Or as we call it now, the Dead Sea. Votes: 0
I'm very resourceful. I'd be good in prison. I'd be good in a shipwreck. I'd make a great hostage. Votes: 0
Back when we started this show, the hottest program on television was 'Keeping Up With the Gabors.' Votes: 0
At the White House, they caught another fence jumper earlier today. It was Obama trying to get out. Votes: 0
Welcome to the program. My name is Dave Letterman, and tonight I'm giving my two-week notice. Votes: 0
You've got to be careful smoking weed. It causes memory loss. And also, it causes memory loss. Votes: 0
Night clubs scare me. They're dark and they stink and they're dangerous and everybody's drunk. Votes: 0
Those North Korean hackers are at it again. Earlier today they leaked Santa's naughty list. Votes: 0
They say the oil spill has the potential to kill more wildlife than a Sarah Palin hunting trip. Votes: 0
Did you see Howard Dean ranting and raving? Here's a little tip Howard - cut back on the Red Bull. Votes: 0
I saw a robin redbreast in Central Park today, but it turned out to be a sparrow with an exit wound. Votes: 0
President Bush has been silent on Schwarzenegger. Of course, he can't pronounce Schwarzenegger. Votes: 0
President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind? Votes: 0
There's not a man, woman or child on the face of the earth who doesn't enjoy a tasty beverage. Votes: 0
Holyfield won the fight. It's not the first time Romney has been knocked out by a black guy. Votes: 0
The 4th of July combines the two things Americans love most in one day: alcohol and explosives. Votes: 0
Them bats is smart. They use radar! Votes: 0
The Catholic Church has a tough new policy on child molestors: three strikes and you're a cardinal. Votes: 0
The last time the French asked for 'more proof' it came marching into Paris under a German flag Votes: 0
It was so cold in New York City today that the Statue of Liberty had her torch under her dress. Votes: 0
Valentine's Day money-saving tip: Break up on February 13th, get back together on the 15th. Votes: 0
I have talents aplenty. Unfortunately, precious few of them have any redeeming social value. Votes: 0
I heard this rumor that al Qaeda is merging with Hamas. Yeah, I got that tip from Martha Stewart. Votes: 0
Mitt Romney is quite a guy. At one point he and his wife bought a zoo and fired all the animals. Votes: 0
The new CIA torture report is 6 million pages long. It's almost as long as a George Clooney pre-nup. Votes: 0
Life experience is the best teacher. Votes: 0
Iraq is so bad that President Obama phoned Hillary Clinton and asked her if she could start early. Votes: 0
Martha Stewart is getting out of prison so today the terror alert was raised from orange to pesto. Votes: 0
I'm nothing if not an optimist. Votes: 0
In Hollywood, Oscar is king Votes: 0
President Obama is going to take two weeks to unwind, as opposed to President Bush, who never wound. Votes: 0
Everyday is a compromise. Votes: 0
I'll be honest with you. It's beginning to look like I'm not going to get 'The Tonight Show.' Votes: 0
Gays are now allowed to serve openly in the military. So maybe our next war could be a musical. Votes: 0
I always liked Mitt Romney. He looks like the salesman who follows you around at Brooks Brothers. Votes: 0
Newt Gingrich is against same-sex marriage. Well, actually, he's against same-marriage sex. Votes: 0
The Mars Polar Lander has been quieter than George W. Bush after a foreign policy question. Votes: 0
Barack Obama's busy moving into the White House. Earlier today, John McCain was blowing on his soup. Votes: 0
One day you're the leader of Iraq, the next day you're being checked for fleas on FOX News. Votes: 0
This Hillary Clinton scandal has to do with emails. All I get are emails for Canadian Viagra. Votes: 0
Hillary has now erased all of her emails, and she also had all of her pantsuits dry cleaned. Votes: 0
The senator got so tired on the campaign trail that he started kissing hands and shaking babies. Votes: 0
President Bush says he now wants to simplify the tax code. Only those in the blue states will pay. Votes: 0
New York City subways are now getting high speed Internet. How about some high speed subway trains? Votes: 0
The world's oldest woman passed away at 116. They keep dying. I think that title may be cursed. Votes: 0
Bill Murray is on the show tonight. Next week I'll be Goggling 'foods that improve prostate health.' Votes: 0
Theres not a man, woman or child on the face of the earth who doesnt enjoy a tasty beverage. Votes: 0