I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.' Votes: 0
I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I'm not a smoker, I just really like certain songs. Votes: 0
I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40, 000 pieces. When you finish it, it says 'go outside'. Votes: 0
I used to get bummed out when it rained; then I realized that it's God's way of washing off hippies. Votes: 0
Let no man's deathbed be a futon. Votes: 0
It would be nice if people said, God bless you not just when you sneezed but also when you farted. Votes: 0
Palindromes are the number one conversation stopper, like party killer, I think I've ever seen. Votes: 0
Use crazy glue and nails to turn a rocking chair into just a chair that looks like a rocking chair. Votes: 0
There is a fine line between a sleepover and just drinking way too much at someone else's house. Votes: 0
It feels like every day or two, people on Twitter and the Internet are outraged about something. Votes: 0
I was a good student when I was a kid, and I did everything I was supposed to do, and I got A's. Votes: 0
I am a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a pita. Why the pita? That counts as another mystery. Votes: 0
I like people, for a little while. Votes: 0
I bought a clock, but the big hand broke off of it... so I just added "ish" to every number. Votes: 0
I think statues are great; they show what great people would look like if a bird sh*t all over them. Votes: 0
I think cats would have an even worse attitude if they found out how stupid their names were. Votes: 0
Most stick people are black. Votes: 0
It's not enough to say I'm sorry. You have to also mean it. It's the same with saying I'm single. Votes: 0
I went whale watching once. It was very similar to watching people on a boat become disappointed. Votes: 0
In America, one sure sign of success is the presence of an unnecessary waterfall in a person's yard. Votes: 0
To me, comedy is a game. Votes: 0
Clowns have no respect for pie. Votes: 0
Yes" actually means "No" 100% of the time, when the question is "Can I give you some advice? Votes: 0
I love Steven Wright. Votes: 0
There is a small, but important, difference between peeing in the pool, and peeing into the pool. Votes: 0
I never set out to do a sketch show. Votes: 0
Love is, and I hope it never isn't. Votes: 0
The earth without art is just eh. Votes: 0
A jerk on a motorcycle is equal to a leaf, because I find it beautiful when these things fall. Votes: 0
I wanna see a snake eat spaghetti. Votes: 0
I am a man. And I am former baby and a future skeleton, and I am a distant future pile of dust. Votes: 0
The lord works in mysterious ways. Indeed. And a shorter way to say that is: God is a sneak. Votes: 0
I like birthdays. Every time someone is born, that's just like bringing more cake into the world. Votes: 0
I think the most annoying language is a tie between all the ones I don't know how to speak. Votes: 0
It turns out dentists don't like it very much when you show up for a cleaning in full vampire gear. Votes: 0