Top quotes by Doug Stanhope

I love conspiracy theories. I used to just live on it. You know it's all hype and garbage, but you're still really paranoid afterwards. It's fun entertainment. Votes: 17

Here's the path to sobriety: Play the Ron Paul drinking game. Watch CNN and take a drink every time someone says his name. Votes: 12

Charlie Chaplin said something to the effect that humor is an act of defiance, that we must laugh in the face of our helplessness in the forces of nature or go insane. And where is he now? Dead. Votes: 11

There's a lot of meth [in Bisbee]. So there's an ex-cop-car Tahoe and a BE DRUG FREE van parked right in front of my house. Votes: 11

It was either me or Confucius that said the journey of a thousand miles begins with a vicious ass raping at airport security. Votes: 10

They say 'life is precious'. To who? To you, when you're young and you've got a few dollars in your pocket. Tell that to the 90-year-old lying awake at the graveyard shift in the nursing home, groaning with dementia. The only reason he hasn't killed himself is that he hasn't figured out a way he can do it with pudding. Votes: 10

Race, Religion, Ethnic Pride, Nationalism does nothing but teach you how to hate people you have never met Votes: 10

Statistical high Vegas odds probability is that nothing of any significance will ever happen to you in your entire boring life. Votes: 9

I had no musical or athletic ability, and I wasn't particularly good looking. Comedy was something I could do for attention. Votes: 7

Canada, the drinking age is 18, that's unnecessary. Nobody wants to get loaded around people who have hope and their whole lives still ahead of them. Votes: 7

Nationalism does nothing but teach you to hate people you never met, and to take pride in accomplishments you had no part in. Votes: 6

People wrestle alligators but not once has someone done it without an audience. Votes: 6

There's nothing funnier than getting a death threat via MySpace. Why don't you just write it in a children's birthday card. Votes: 6

Controversial issues are always more interesting but I don't create material about a subject I have opinion on just because it's controversial. The most fun is having a point of view that the audience is generally against and presenting an argument that challenges their thinking. Votes: 6

Every 17 seconds a child dies on this planet from no clean drinking water. Good. Let's try to speed it up... there are too many people. Votes: 6

You want to help mother Earth? Try sodomy. Sodomy is eco-friendly, and abortion is green. Votes: 5

I used to do boiler room telemarketing for a living, like hardcore fraud stuff that gets busted on 60 Minutes every week. Votes: 4

I love when you get boner spam for boner pills and the subject is Be a better lover. Oh, the boner was the problem on that? That's why I'm a bad lover? Do you have a pill that's gonna make me care if she cums? That would be a medical miracle. Votes: 4

I'd get demolitions experts to rig mother to implode like a skyscraper. Votes: 4

What ever happened to freak shows? Back in the twenties when elephant man was born at least he had a job waiting for him. Votes: 4

Abortion is green! I think its irrefutable, but people don't want to hear that. For most people, having children is an instinctual, natural desire and the last thing they want to do is believe that it has any detrimental side, or if they do believe it, they think it's different for them because they live in a gated community or whatever the reason... Votes: 4

There's a fine line between being a sicko and an adventurous spirit. Votes: 3

If I have to be a monotheist, y'know pick one, I'm picking vodka, it goes well with everything, all occasions. Votes: 3

I've jammed enough things up my own ass just trying to come on any amphetamine based narcotic. Votes: 3

Nothing against comedy clubs, they work. But when you're sitting with a tablecloth and a candle and an appetizer menu, three-drink minimum, it can feel more like a dinner theater than a live experience. Votes: 3

If you get offended by words - by noises we make with our mouths - it means you were raised by bad parents. Votes: 3

The whole institution of marriage itself really has no place in a progressive society. Votes: 2

The catholic church has a lot more money than any Colombian cartel and they leave a lot more bodies in their wake. Votes: 2

Child pornography is the only crime that you cannot report to the police as an eyewitness. Votes: 2

If I was a freak of nature... Hell yeah I wanna do freak shows! I don't wanna be applying for jobs at the mall. Votes: 2

If I say f*** the government, some will clap because they agree and some will clap just because you said f***. I've had countless audience members offer me free drugs but I also got free hernia surgery. Votes: 0

I am a player in life, not an observer. I look at herpes the way you look at a scraped knee. Votes: 0

Pot is to narcotics what herpes is to social diseases; it doesn't count cos it's not really dangerous and it's too easy to get. Votes: 0

High definition ruined a lot of things that I used to hold sacrosanct in pornography. Votes: 0

I was terrified when my doctor told me that I had a unique and interesting personality trait, but then he told me about new Zoloft or Prozac and now I just take three pills a day and I blend right into this horrible inbred corporate landscape. Votes: 0

If you're going to kill yourself just do me one favor: say it was because of my act. Can you do that? I need the press. Votes: 0

"This is Lakshmi Singh." It's like a tadpole dying in muck. Take a drink. Wet your mouth. Votes: 0

I've done coke 'til my nose was bleeding like the fourth week of Lilith Fair. Votes: 0

Love is such an arbitrary thing. I love my mom. I love pancakes. Votes: 0

I drink every night. But I don't hang out and party. Not that I'm selling out Madison Square Garden, but in the old days after a show you could hang out with a few people. But now you're hanging around with 20 people, all of whom don't know each other, and they're all, "Leave my outgoing greeting on my voice mail, man, come on!" Votes: 0

We have no healthcare and we have all the guns in the world, it makes you think twice before you start throwing punches in a bar. Votes: 0

Coward is the most misused word in our society. Votes: 0

Before modern medicine, would pussies just generally rot up inside you and fall out of you like spoiled oysters on the sidewalk? Votes: 0

Right at the end of the big wall of vibrators, $29.95, big rubber fist. Thirty bucks! Just in time for mothers day. Votes: 0

I was 23 with a mullet doing lots of jerk-off material.I can't look at the old tapes now. Votes: 0

I don't know. Both my parents are dead. So? Wait, I got pictures of their corpses in my wallet. I had them blown up as murals. Here. Votes: 0

I don't like life that much. It's not that big a deal for me... I don't want to know I have cancer till it's visible to the naked eye. Votes: 0

If second hand smoke is killing that many people and nicotine is so addictive then why is no one addicted to second hand smoke? Votes: 0

There's no such thing as addiction, there's only things that you enjoy doing more than life. Votes: 0

The ultimate act of cowardice is the fat-headed wrestling guy sitting behind the frail kid in math class, clipping him on the ear, saying: 'What are you going to do about that, faggot?' That is cowardice. When the bullets start flying past that jock's saucer-shaped ears, that's not cowardice. That's payback. Votes: 0

If you get made fun of working at Pier One Imports, you can't pelt them with poop. Votes: 0

I'm a bit of a potty mouth. My dad used to wash out my mouth with soap, but that was just to get rid of any traces of his DNA. Votes: 0

I hate when your friends quit drinking on you, don't you? It's sad. I've lost more friends to AA than Liberace did to the virus. It's sad to see 'em go. You see a thirty day chip on your buddy's key ring, it's like seeing a toe tag on his cold, stiff corpse. Votes: 0

Did you ever drink so much of a certain type of alcohol that you get so sick that you can never drink the same kind again ? I've decided that's how I'm going to quit drinking. One-at-a-time. Votes: 0

Raccoons don't need to do poppers in order to come while they're having anonymous same-sex interludes in a highway rest area. Votes: 0

Religious tolerance. No! Zero tolerance for any type of religion. Votes: 0

I think it's probably much easier to do political comedy from a two-party point of view, in that the majority have some sense of what it means to be one or the other. Votes: 0

I think a lot of women look at prostitutes like they're scabs crossing an union picket line, where they go: You can't just go out and sell it for what it's worth, we're holding out for so much more! Votes: 0

You forget, when you're in the Scandinavian countries, you forget they don't speak English first and they speak better than I do. Votes: 0

I drink during every show. I can't remember the last show I did completely sober. It works for me. I use it as a tool. It's like steroids are for athletes. I'm looser and more self-confident. If I drank less, I wouldn't have been on stage this long. Votes: 0

He's my usual type of fan... a school shooter who didn't have bullets and now he's all awkward and alone. Votes: 0

Why even moon a sorority girl if they can't see the swingy egg bag part of it? Votes: 0

I'm pretty drunk and bored with yelling at the stone walls that are your minds. Votes: 0

You never hear in the news, 'Two hundred killed today when atheist rebels took heavy shelling from the agnostic stronghold in the north.' Votes: 0

Drugs support terrorism? No, your SUV supports terrorism. Votes: 0

I couldn't possibly explain why the common person would be against something like that. It's all rooted in sexual hang-ups. The whole institution of marriage itself really has no place in a progressive society. I don't know why anyone would want to get married heterosexually, so why they'd be against homosexual marriage is flummoxing. I only use that word when I'm talking to someone from the British press. Votes: 0

Excess in moderation: don't drink a few beers every day after work, wait 'till the end of the month and drink all the beers at once. Votes: 0

Alcohol does not make ugly people attractive. It makes it so you could care less that they're ugly. Votes: 0

I immediately split the crowd. I thought about coming on every night and shouting, Gay pride, white power! just to confuse people. Votes: 0

You should laugh everywhere you can find even the slightest glimmer of humour. Votes: 0

There's a fraudulent root element of comedy in that we say things night after night as though they are rolling effortlessly from the brain and off the tongue, when in fact they are crafted over weeks and months and years. Votes: 0

Comedy can always be taken the wrong way. If I do a bit that is meant to diffuse racism or sexism, I'm not going to avoid it on the chance that a small portion of the audience might take it the wrong way. Votes: 0

Whatever your problems are, keep in mind that you die at the end of all this. Lets get out there, brutalize ourselves and laugh at those certain pricks who take it seriously, like there is any way to win in all this. Votes: 0

If you're offended by any word in any language, it's probably because your parents were unfit to raise a child. Votes: 0

There's only two types of people who are against drugs: the people who have never done drugs and the people who really sucked at doing drugs. Votes: 0

Have you ever thought about registering as a sex offender just so your friends won't bring their kids over to your house? Votes: 0

I am a very mediocre intellect, at best, and I am smarter than most people I know - and that terrifies me. Votes: 0

Shouldn't the long-term goal of any society be complete unemployment? Votes: 0

People who want to kill other people are the last people I want to party with, because I get mouthy when I drink. Votes: 0

What if I don't want a leader? Where does that vote go? I do good on my own. I don't want to be led. Votes: 0

One UK paper described me as a "miserablist", a word I'd never heard before or since. I looked it up and it means someone who can only be happy when they are miserable. Perfect. Votes: 0

Your instinct is your true god. Follow it. Votes: 0

All traditions are stupid unless you came up with it yourself. Votes: 0

Do you ever wake up in the morning, look in the mirror and think, something's not accurate? Votes: 0

Sex is a very narrow avenue. You only have so many holes and parts, and eventually, you run out of things to do. Votes: 0

I don't like being in the UK for every other reason aside from the show. It's aesthetically uncomfortable to me on almost every level for reasons that might sound petty but I can't get past. The audiences are far more challenging and while I wouldn't say I prefer it, I certainly need it to ward off my inherent laziness. Votes: 0

Your sins are what make you fantastic. It's what makes you alive. You should wear your sins on your sleeve. You should be trying to top your sins on a daily basis. Votes: 0

I have no fear of death, except I hate waiting for it. Votes: 0

People want an idol. They want royalty. They don't want a public servant. Hell no. They want someone to clap for and go, "Oh, he touched my hand at the rally!" Votes: 0

Invent new drugs, that's what you should be doing... fight to get new weirder ones... and weirder establishments to do them in. Votes: 0

I have the kind of show that reminds you of your problems, and then I talk about other problems you didn't even know you had until tonight. Votes: 0

Democracy is the worst kind of government, I'm sorry. Would you still call yourself a Christian if they elected a new Jesus every four years? Votes: 0

At least black people knew when they were slaves; you remain clueless. Votes: 0

I'm not saying drinking is all that great but you know it's got benefits; you can't smoke somebody pretty. Votes: 0

You're born absolutely free except for laws of nature, if you drink you get drunk, that's a law, if you get old you die, that's a law too; if you sit on a tack you will bleed from the ass, these are the only laws that you're born with. Votes: 0

When I say that asian women are beautiful it's not a sexual thing. I'm not being degrading, I find them sexually repulsive. Votes: 0

When you consider the overpopulation in this world ... homosexuality is completely underrated in this society. Votes: 0

If you tell me you are going to kill yourself, I'm not going to try to talk you out of it. Votes: 0

I'm not a marijuana user, so I always feel kind of fraudulent. I applaud this, I do recreational drugs, but marijuana's never one of those. People think because I talk about drugs, that I smoke pot. But I don't. Votes: 0

It's our flaws who make us who we are. Votes: 0

Life is like a movie, if you've sat through more than half of it and it’s sucked every second so far, it probably isn't going to get great right at the end and make it all worthwhile. None should blame you for walking out early. Votes: 0

Separation of Church and State is the perineum of America and the episiotomy didn't hold. Votes: 0

Babies are like poems. They're beautiful to their creator, but to other people, they're silly and they're irritating. Votes: 0

I wish the 50 states would break up. Lose the centralised government. More choice. How do you want to live, there's 50 different ways! You hate black people? We've a state for that. You wanna have an abortion? Here's a state. I think we should just keep breaking up countries now so they become just individuals. Votes: 0

What did you learn in school that you still use today? Go ahead teachers, tell me. What? Fear, conformity, don't question authority... Votes: 0

The characteristic of a well-bred man is, to converse with his inferiors without insolence, and with his superiors with respect and with ease. Votes: 0

Abject flattery and indiscriminate assentation degrade, as much as indiscriminate contradiction and noisy debate disgust. But a modest assertion of one's own opinion, and a complaisant acquiescence in other people's, preserve dignity. Votes: 0

The key to a good life: excess in moderation. They'll tell you moderation is the key to life, but that's bullshit. Votes: 0

I believe that everyone should be treated as an individual. Women should be treated equally in the right to vote, sure. But if Im paying to see a comedy, then I just want to see whos funniest, with everyone treated equally. Votes: 0

When you come out of that pink ugly hole onto this planet you're nothing but a gooey shrieking wrinkled ball of weakness. Votes: 0

All illegal narcotics are medicinal. Boredom is a disease worse than cancer. Drugs cure it, with little or no side effects if used as directed. Life's temporary for a reason, it gets boring after awhile. You should be inventing new drugs is what you should be doing! Newer, crazier drugs... and more holes, that's what you ladies need! Votes: 0

If you need a baby that bad, go down to the pound and get one. Not even a baby - go get an old man. There's unwanted people of all ages, pre-made and waiting for you. Votes: 0

Mutations are exciting. They try to fix 'em when they come out. Did you see the two-headed baby they killed last month when they tried to cut it apart? That was hilarious! Votes: 0

The first five times that you bang someone and the last million times are two different worlds. Votes: 0

Life's temporary for a reason; it gets boring after a while. Votes: 0

Did you ever try to sleep sober? Votes: 0

If you have a good product. You don't need to advertise. You've done drugs? Did you ever see them advertised? Votes: 0

If you really believe death leads to eternal bliss then why are you wearing a seatbelt? Votes: 0

People talk to you and they try to convince you that they like what they do just because it sucks less than what they used to do... which sucked a lot. Votes: 0

The whole acting and Hollywood [thing], it's just work to me. Stand-up comedy ruins you so badly for doing television. I don't really need to be known anymore than I am. The slight sliver of fame I do have is hard to deal with. If I was actually well-known - I don't even know what to say to people who are at my show when I walk into the venue, much less having waitresses in diners asking for my autograph. Votes: 0

There are some occasions in which a man must tell half his secret, in order to conceal the rest; but there is seldom one in which a man should tell all. Great skill is necessary to know how far to go, and where to stop. Votes: 0

I couldn't be a responsible enough parent if my kid was born with a new suit and a full-time job. Votes: 0

Just for being a religion at all you're as complicit as the rest in the retardation of the human intellectual progress. Votes: 0

That place is so behind the times, you can't even get AIDS there yet. Votes: 0

The only way I thought I could do a greatest hits album is to do it in a prison where they have no f**king idea who I am. I'd do what I consider the best of those old, early CDs before I did DVDs. A women's prison would be even better, but it has to be English-speaking. Votes: 0

Jesus died for your sins. I'm doing it for your mere entertainment dollar. Votes: 0

The Mind is everything. Do drugs. But just don't have drugs. Votes: 0

Comedy can always be taken the wrong way. If I do a bit that is meant to diffuse racism or sexism, Im not going to avoid it on the chance that a small portion of the audience might take it the wrong way. Votes: 0

I had no musical or athletic ability, and I wasnt particularly good looking. Comedy was something I could do for attention. Votes: 0

I'm not the one-take wonder that a lot people think I am. Votes: 0

America takes credit for giving you freedom that you had anyway. It's like going to a wedding and putting your tag on somebody elses box. Votes: 0

The only legitimate excuse you could have for having a baby in those dire, war torn, famine struck conditions - would be to eat it. Votes: 0

A lot of the Olympic games just boil down to genetics. Michael Phelps is genetically built to swim better than other people if he trains the same way. You might as well have a competition for who's the tallest, and act like it's anyone's game! Votes: 0

I have a picture I keep in my wallet of my father's corpse... I keep that picture in my wallet to show people who show me baby pictures. Votes: 0

Even your religious friends do not want to hear about God during a medical diagnosis. Votes: 0

You do bits and you fake anger and you write a bit and you have passion for it. Then you do it too many times and you have to work up the anger... and I've never had to do that with Dr. Drew Pintsky. Dr. Drew is to medicine what David Blaine is to science. Votes: 0

That's why cocaine is illegal - it makes pussy too easy to get. Votes: 0

The first thing I think of when I wake up is how close I am to death. But then it gets better during the day. Votes: 0

People hate people just cause they want someone different to hate. Votes: 0

I'm in a perfect position. I don't want to be more famous and I can't lose sponsors, so I can say anything I want. Votes: 0

Steal my stuff off the internet wherever you can and don't apologize. Buy the CDs and DVDs from my site and feel free to burn 'em and share 'em. Then come to the show. Votes: 0

Not only are the voices in your head real, but they're accurate as well. Votes: 0

I'm just funnier when I'm drunk. Not falling-down drunk, just drunk enough to lose the self-doubt. Votes: 0

Complaining that a comic is drunk is like going to a titty bar and complaining because your lapdancer is a communist. Votes: 0

Artists who say that they're artists: usually people who need a job. Votes: 0

Theres a fraudulent root element of comedy in that we say things night after night as though they are rolling effortlessly from the brain and off the tongue, when in fact they are crafted over weeks and months and years. Votes: 0

Anything that I don't understand or can't do is stupid. Votes: 0

I do good things in my life, too. It's just that none of them are funny. Votes: 0

I don't have a gun. But I think they level the playing field. I accept that there's really nothing you can do about it. It's like nuclear weapons; if they exist then eventually other people are going to have them. Maybe just take away people's motivation to use them. Votes: 0

Mutations are exciting, there aren't nearly enough of them. Votes: 0

We must not suppose that, because a man is a rational animal, he will, therefore, always act rationally; or, because he has such or such a predominant passion, that he will act invariably and consequentially in pursuit of it. No, we are complicated machines; and though we have one main spring that gives motion to the whole, we have an infinity of little wheels, which, in their turns, retard, precipitate, and sometime stop that motion. Votes: 0

Tradition and heritage are all dead peoples baggage. Stop carrying it. Move forward. Votes: 0

How do you pledge allegiance to a government? That's all America is: a government. There's no such thing as 'we're Americans.' That's just trivial bullshit to get you rooting for the home team. You're not an American. You're a guy, you're a person, you're an individual. Votes: 0

Before you ask for the people to rise up and take what's theirs, meet the people, because they're really, really, bafoons. Votes: 0

My first open mic, I drank a full pitcher of beer by myself. I wasn't afraid of being in front of people as much as, Is this funny? Votes: 0

I've been playing the CNN Drinking Game, have you ever played that? Where you do a shot every time George Bush says the word "evil"? Oh, I'm a wreck! You gotta do a double shot every time he says "evildoers". Chug the bottle for "axis of evil". Are you a president or an exorcist?! Votes: 0

So you stick something up your ass, and you hope it might work, and it usually helps. Votes: 0

I don't ever want to become Bill Maher where I have to find some strong opinion on something just because it's in the news. That's the guy that comes off like you have to be angry every week about new topics and snotty about something. That's what I'm trying to avoid. Votes: 0

"Close your mouth when you chew." That was my mother's big one.Why do people eat lunch together? I want to eat by myself. Chewing is one of the most revolting things to me. Wind makes me unnerved, too. Votes: 0

They should raise the alcohol age to 60, so at least you'd have something to look forward to at this point. Votes: 0

What I've lost in years I've gained in wisdom. Bullshit, I haven't learnt one thing in the last 15 years that hasn't just depressed me more. Votes: 0

The more business gets involved, the less fun it is. Votes: 0

The reputation of generosity is to be purchased pretty cheap; it does not depend so much upon a man's general expense, as it does upon his giving handsomely where it is proper to give at all. A man, for instance, who should give a servant four shillings, would pass for covetous, while he who gave him a crown, would be reckoned generous; so that the difference of those two opposite characters, turns upon one shilling. Votes: 0

Boredom is a disease worse than cancer. Drugs cure it. Votes: 0

Old people always tell you: 'When you've been around as long I have, then you can argue.' As soon as they're ripped off, it's a different story. Votes: 0

If you're in high-school and you're not having fun, quit. Votes: 0

Sex and children are the two things that delude logic the most in this society. Votes: 0

Everybody's angry. They've got nothing to be angry at, so they're angry about nothing. Votes: 0

Pussy really is the ultimate motivator of all mankind. No, don't clap, this is a flaw in the system! Votes: 0

Comedy is like music; it builds on itself. Once someone comes up with a theory or a different way of doing things, people start to mimic it on some level. That's why you go back to the guys you loved in the 80s... and it just seems tired now, because it was all foundation. Votes: 0

My mother was always the one with the dark, really filthy sense of humor. She was a vulgar woman. She used to tell me to do comedy before I even tried it. She was always up for any gag. Votes: 0

Sex is free fun for poor people. Votes: 0

The fact is that really no comedian sets out to offend you. Some comics enjoy the challenge of taking a subject that is likely to be found offensive and trying to make it funny‚ but the object is still to make you laugh. Offense is only a calculated risk. It's highly unlikely that a comedian whose only goal was to repulse you would ever make it past an open-mic stage, far less build a long career of touring theatres and television appearances. Votes: 0

The Unbookables are supposed to be unbookable. That's what it's all about. Votes: 0

The ones that bother me the most are the media saying, He's like the next Bill Hicks. It's supposed to be complimentary, but then all these Bill Hicks fans show up thinking you're going to be like him, and then go, You're no Bill Hicks. And I'm like, I never wanted to try to be like him, I don't think I'm anything like him at all, and now you're mad at me for not being him because a journalist didn't have a better reference. Votes: 0

I've never tried to drive my career in any particular direction. I've always been an in-the-moment, live-for-today guy. I've never had a goal, and nearly everything I've done has been an accident. I just play to me, and if I can amuse myself, I consider it a victory. Votes: 0

I've had six or eight hookers in my life. I never woke up the next day thinking man I'm glad I got a hooker last night. Votes: 0

I've been doing a lot of drugs in the last few weeks and drinking less, and I feel much better. Votes: 0

I am 42 years old and I have $9000, and I am out of ideas. I've nothing to spend it on. I'm bored shitless. I will die with that $9000. Votes: 0

Man, it just cost me five dollars to beat my own meat... God bless the United States of America. Votes: 0

Some people just join the military because they need college money. Then they're idiots and college wasn't going to help. Votes: 0

I drank, smoked and did drugs to get where I'm at. Votes: 0

Every vice is already a punishment in itself... you don't need a ticket on top of it. Votes: 0

They never differentiate between drug users and drug addicts... I've done most drugs there are socially, I never had a problem. Votes: 0

If I die soon, don't ever say I died too young. Votes: 0

Paralympics... fascinating because just watching anyone with a major disability trying to do everyday chores is fun to watch. Votes: 0

Unfortunately this is where comedy works, where people are the most miserable. Votes: 0

The revolution I was starting where I thought I could yell at 200 people in a bar every night and change the world didn't quite happen. Votes: 0

There should be no such thing as a vice law. Every vice is only a bad habit, and the punishment is inherent in the act. Votes: 0

Get the right to marry - and then don't. Votes: 0

You say you hate children and people always say the same thing; it would be different if it was your own child. Well what if it wasn't? Votes: 0

I'll defend child pornography, how about that? What's wrong with seeing some child pornography? What if you watch child pornography because you find it hilarious? Then should it not a protected freedom of speech? Votes: 0

I used to be a partier, now I'm an alcoholic. It's all in who's judging you. Votes: 0

I'm gonna film my entire life and watch it later! Votes: 0

I go on stage, it's like I'm leading you into battle; you are not all going to be here at the end. Votes: 0

I'm forty four; I'm way closer to dead than I am life of the party. Votes: 0

In 20 years of comedy, I've probably had a dozen good points. Votes: 0

I need you to love me, I don't like me, either, if that helps. Votes: 0

Doing stand-up takes the fun out of being funny. Votes: 0

Life is like animal porn, it's not for everyone. Votes: 0

The Internet has done nothing but good for comedy all around. Comedians no longer have to rely on TV execs and club owners deciding if they are funny or not. Votes: 0

It is a great advantage for any man to be able to talk or hear, neither ignorantly nor absurdly, upon any subject; for I have known people, who have not said one word, hear ignorantly and absurdly; it has appeared by their inattentive and unmeaning faces. Votes: 0

Courts and camps are the only places to learn the world in. Votes: 0

Religion is by no means a proper subject of conversation in a mixed company. Votes: 0

You have options when it comes to abortion now. It's not like 1955 when you just had to kick her down a staircase and hope for the best... you feed her a tapeworm and hope it takes a left at the Y. Votes: 0

There's times to be dainty and times to be a pig. Votes: 0

I recommend to you, in my last, an innocent piece of art: that of flattering people behind their backs, in presence of those who, to make their own court, much more than for your sake, will not fail to repeat, and even amplify, the praise to the party concerned. This is of all flattery the most pleasing, and consequently the most effectual. Votes: 0

I sometimes wonder if necrophiliacs are really into dead people or if they just enjoy the quiet. Votes: 0

AA makes Scientology look credible, Votes: 0

A real cop fights real crime. A vice cop's only job is to ruin the party. Votes: 0

As long as the people who kinda wanna go kill other people are going to go kill other people who kinda wanna go kill other people, you're killing all the right people and opening up all the best parking spaces. Votes: 0

Everything that is going to kill you is extremely appetizing. Votes: 0

Don't eat a mushroom stem and see colors, eat the whole bag and see GOD Votes: 0

[Stand-up] might be ballsy, but I'd rather not be an actor. Actors are tools. Votes: 0

When I used to drive on the road from L. A., one time in Arizona we went off-road to see what weird little towns are around. Loved Bisbee. Votes: 0

I love playing in the UK because there are some topics that you just can't talk about in the States without getting run out of town. So let me just say this: Louis C. K.'s new show sucks. Votes: 0