Top quotes by Ellen DeGeneres

If we're destroying our trees and destroying our environment and hurting animals and hurting one another and all that stuff, there's got to be a very powerful energy to fight that. I think we need more love in the world. We need more kindness, more compassion, more joy, more laughter. I definitely want to contribute to that. Votes: 62

Here are the values that I stand for: honesty, equality, kindness, compassion, treating people the way you want to be treated and helping those in need. To me, those are traditional values. Votes: 34

I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her. Votes: 34

I'm not an activist; I don't look for controversy. I'm not a political person, but I'm a person with compassion. I care passionately about equal rights. I care about human rights. I care about animal rights. Votes: 31

We have two dogs, Mabel and Wolf, and three cats at home, Charlie, George and Chairman. We have two cats on our farm, Tom and Little Sister, two horses, and two mini horses, Hannah and Tricky. We also have two cows, Holy and Madonna. And those are only the animals we let sleep in our bed. Votes: 30

So many people prefer to live in drama because it's comfortable. It's like someone staying in a bad marriage or relationship - it's actually easier to stay because they know what to expect every day, versus leaving and not knowing what to expect. Votes: 28

The world is full of a lot of fear and a lot of negativity, and a lot of judgment. I just think people need to start shifting into joy and happiness. As corny as it sounds, we need to make a shift. Votes: 27

I work really hard at trying to see the big picture and not getting stuck in ego. I believe we're all put on this planet for a purpose, and we all have a different purpose... When you connect with that love and that compassion, that's when everything unfolds. Votes: 25

I get those fleeting, beautiful moments of inner peace and stillness - and then the other 23 hours and 45 minutes of the day, I'm a human trying to make it through in this world. Votes: 23

Right before I decided to come out, I went on a spiritual retreat called 'Changing the Inner Dialogue of Your Subconscious Mind.' I'd never been to anything like it before, and all my friends were taking bets on how long I'd last with no TV, no radio, no phone. But for me that was the beginning of paying attention to all the little things. Votes: 20

Faith is part of who I am, yes. I was raised Christian Scientist. The most important thing I saw every single week on the wall at Sunday school was the Golden Rule. Votes: 19

I am saddened by how people treat one another and how we are so shut off from one another and how we judge one another, when the truth is, we are all one connected thing. We are all from the same exact molecules. Votes: 16

My dad is still Christian Scientist. My mom's not, and I'm not. But I believe in God, and that there's a higher power and an intelligence that's bigger than us and that we can rely on. It's not just us, thinking we are the ones in control of everything. That idea gives me support. Votes: 14

The first time probably people really were aware of me, I unfortunately had the title of Showtime's Funniest Person in America. And that's a really tough title to travel around with when you're not even known. Votes: 13

If we're destroying our trees and destroying our environment and hurting animals and hurting one another and all that stuff, there's got to be a very powerful energy to fight that. I think we need more love in the world. Votes: 12

I hate having to do small talk. I'd rather talk about deep subjects. I'd rather talk about meditation, or the world, or the trees or animals, than small, inane, you know, banter. Votes: 12

I would love to have the same rights as everybody else. I would love, I don't care if it's called marriage. I don't care if it's called, you know, domestic partnership. I don't care what it's called. Votes: 11

People love their animals so much so that they put little clothes on them and necklaces and booties and things like that. And if you love your animal, then you should feed them something that's not dangerous for them. There's a lot of poisonous stuff that they're putting in a lot of that food, those by-products. Votes: 10

When we were growing up our parents somehow made it clear that being famous was good. And I mistakenly thought that if I was famous then everyone would love me. Votes: 9

Even before I knew I was gay, I knew I didn't want to have a child. I knew I didn't want to have one. I never want to have to release it from me. Listen, I love babies. I love children. And I melt when I'm around them. I also love my freedom and I love that I can sleep at night. Votes: 9

I don't pay attention to the number of birthdays. It's weird when I say I'm 53. It just is crazy that I'm 53. I think I'm very immature. I feel like a kid. That's why my back goes out all the time, because I completely forget I can't do certain things anymore - like doing the plank for 10 minutes. Votes: 9

Designing is my hobby. If I didn't do what I do for a living - at some point when I don't do this for a living - I'll probably just do design work. I love finding really special pieces of furniture. Votes: 8

Usually, I wear tennis shoes because my feet are flat, and it hurts to wear anything other than shoes that are cushiony. Votes: 7

I'm probably the most honest person you'll ever meet - to a fault, like, I-will-hurt-your-feelings honest. I'm sure if I lied about anything, it would have been silly, but I haven't retained that information. Votes: 6

I have an amazing team; I have amazing producers; I have amazing writers, but at the end of it, it's me making the decisions on the writing, the tone, the editing. Votes: 5

I'd like to be more patient! I just want everything now. I've tried to meditate, but it's really hard for me to stay still. I'd like to try to force myself to do it, because everybody says how wonderful meditation is for you, but I can't shut my mind up. So patience and learning is the key. Votes: 5

Find out who you are and be that person. That's what your soul was put on this Earth to be. Find that truth, live that truth and everything else will come. Votes: 5

If you're going to be honest with yourself, you have to admit that you go into show business wanting people to talk about you and wanting everyone to know who you are. But that also means there are going to be a whole bunch of people who don't like you. No matter who you are. Votes: 3

I'm a comedian, and I definitely see the humor in a lot of things. I am also sad a lot. I cry often and easily. I think you're supposed to feel all kinds of things. Votes: 1

I think anybody who wants to be president has to be a politician, but I would like to find somebody who's coming from a loving place instead of a political place. Votes: 1

But seriously, I think overall in the scheme of things winning an Emmy is not important. Let's get our priorities straight. I think we all know what's really important in life - winning an Oscar. Votes: 0

I get bored easily, so I need to do a lot. I've started a record label, so I get to nurture new talent and talk about music, which is a passion of mine. I've written another book. And I get to come to work and do the TV show, which is always really fun. Votes: 0

I do have ADD and in real life, I'm all over the place and can hardly focus. If we were talking for, for more than an hour or so, I'd start drifting off... I can't sit still too long. Votes: 0

I had everything I'd hoped for, but I wasn't being myself. So I decided to be honest about who I was. It was strange: The people who loved me for being funny suddenly didn't like me for being... me. Votes: 0

I was raised in an atmosphere of 'everything's fine.' But as I got older, I was like, 'Well no, everything's not fine. There is stuff that's sad.' I am a really sensitive person. I think I am too sensitive sometimes. Votes: 0

Yeah I'm thirty-six, but on the show I'm thirty-two. Nobody wants to watch a thirty-six year old woman, so they decided to make me thirty-two. Much more appealing somehow. Votes: 0

I was raised around heterosexuals, as all heterosexuals are, that's where us gay people come from... you heterosexuals. Votes: 0

I collect old portraits. They're all just interesting pictures of people, and you just kind of wonder who they were and what they were. There's a guy - I don't know who he is, but he's wearing a suit. He's got his arms folded, and he looks like he sold insurance or something. I'm just wondering why someone painted him. Votes: 0

I love clothes, so when I wear clothes, they're usually somebody's. You know, I'm not wearing Kmart. Votes: 0

I was coming home from kindergarten - well they told me it was kindergarten. I found out later I had been working in a factory for ten years. It's good for a kid to know how to make gloves. Votes: 0

I'm sure there's somebody out there who doesn't like Betty White because she's short and has white hair. Votes: 0

I still get scared at night. Every tiny creak, every little noise, I open my eyes real wide and listen with them. Have you noticed that? When it's dark and you can't see a thing, you open your eyes really wide and glance back and force, like your eyes become your ears?" Votes: 0

Beauty is about being comfortable in your own skin. It's about knowing and accepting who you are. Votes: 0

People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant. Votes: 0

[Airline food] is the tiniest food I've ever seen in my entire life. Any kind of meat that you get - chicken, steak, anything - has grill marks on each side, like somehow we'll actually believe there's an open-flame grill in the front of the plane. Votes: 0

The only thing that scares me more than space aliens is the idea that there aren't any space aliens. We can't be the best that creation has to offer. I pray we're not all there is. If so, we're in big trouble. Votes: 0

I get paid very well for an amazing, amazing life. I'm blessed. Votes: 0

I personally chose to go vegan because I educated myself on factory farming and cruelty to animals, and I suddenly realized that what was on my plate were living things, with feelings. And I just couldn't disconnect myself from it any longer. I read books like 'Diet for a New America' and saw documentaries like 'Earthlings' and 'Meet your Meat,' and it became an easy choice for me. Votes: 0

Now,I'm no scientist,but I know what endorphins are. They're tiny little magical elves that swim through your blood stream and tell funny jokes to each other. When they reach your brain,you hear what they're saying and that boosts your health and happiness. "Knock Knock... Who's There?.. Little endorphin... Little endorphin who?... Little Endorphin Annie." And then the endorphins laugh and then you laugh. See? Its Science. Votes: 0

Quick decision makers are often stuck behind annoying people in line at Starbucks. Votes: 0

All the commercials on TV today are for antidepressants, for Prozac or Paxil. And they get you right away. "Are you sad? Do you get stressed, do you have anxiety?" "Yes, I have all those things! I'm alive!" Votes: 0

So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we've checked the time by looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. Votes: 0

I'm on the patch right now. Where it releases small dosages of approval until I no longer crave it, and then I'm gonna rip it off. Votes: 0

I was doing stand-up at a restaurant and there was a chalkboard on the street out front. It said, Soup of the Day: Cream of Asparagus. Ellen DeGeneres. Votes: 0

Our attention span is shot. We've all got Attention Deficit Disorder or ADD or OCD or one of these disorders with three letters because we don't have the time or patience to pronounce the entire disorder. That should be a disorder right there, TBD - Too Busy Disorder. Votes: 0

I think they should have a Barbie with a buzz cut. Votes: 0

It was so important for me to lose everything, because I found out what the most important thing is, which is to be true to yourself. Votes: 0

Above all things physical, it is more important to be beautiful on the inside - to have a big hear and an open mind and a spectacular spleen. Votes: 0

Being a teenager and figuring out who you are is hard enough without someone attacking you Votes: 0

I like being busy and juggling a lot of things at the same time. I get bored easily, so I need to do a lot. Votes: 0

I don't know who had the bright idea of teaching pneumonia how to walk, but I'd like to find that dunderhead before he decides he wants to teach it how to drive. Votes: 0

I feel like I have a hangover, without all the happy memories and mystery bruises. Votes: 0

I won't have a hard time being brutally honest. But I won't be mean. You don't have to be mean to be honest. Votes: 0

Most comedy is based on getting a laugh at somebody else's expense. And I find that that's just a form of bullying in a major way. So I want to be an example that you can be funny and be kind, and make people laugh without hurting somebody else's feelings. Votes: 0

If you want to test cosmetics, why do it on some poor animal who hasn't done anything? They should use prisoners who have been convicted of murder or rape instead. So, rather than seeing if perfume irritates a bunny rabbit's eyes, they should throw it in Charles Manson's eyes and ask him if it hurts. Votes: 0

I really don't think I need buns of steel. I'd be happy with buns of cinnamon. Votes: 0

I don't want to take a pill. Go to Africa, go follow some bushman around. He's being chased by a lion. That's stress. You're not going to find a pygmy on Paxil, I'll tell you that right now. Votes: 0

Be kind to one another. Bye, bye. Votes: 0

Nothing says holidays, like a cheese log. Votes: 0

Honestly, we'd probably be great parents. But it's a human being, and unless you think you have excellent skills and have a drive or yearning in you to do that, the amount of work that that is and responsibility - I wouldn't want to screw them up! We love our animals. Votes: 0

Asking who's the 'man' and who's the 'woman' in a same-sex relationship is like asking which chopstick is the fork. Votes: 0

There's lotion for your face, for your hands, for your feet, for your body. Why? What would happen if you put hand lotion on your feet? Would your feet get confused and start clapping? Each kind has something special in it - aloe, shea butter, coconut, cocoa butter, vanilla, lemon extract. That's not lotion. That's one ingredient short of a Bundt cake. Votes: 0

You know how you always expect someone to think the same as you and then your like, really shocked when they don't? Like when it's a cold day and you turn to the person next to you and say, 'Its so cold, aren't you cold?' and then they say 'no.' It's kinda like, 'what, are you a communist? Votes: 0

I don't want to get the same looks I give people when they get on a plane holding a baby: "That's a cute baby, just keep walking, keep walking, keep going, keep going.... Votes: 0

I became vegan because I saw footage of what really goes on in the slaughterhouses and on the dairy farms. Votes: 0

The definition of success changes. Success is to live your life with integrity and not give in to peer pressure to be something you're not. Follow your passion, stay true to yourself, never follow someone else's path; unless you're in the woods and you're lost and you see a path, then by all means, you should follow that. Votes: 0

It's our challenges and obstacles that give us layers of depth and make us interesting. Votes: 0

We stock up on popcorn and candy like we're crossing the Sierras, don't we? I'll have a couple of soft pretzels, a hot dog, Milk Duds, Snocaps. Is that the largest popcorn you've got there, that bucket? You don't have a barrel or anything like that? Do you have a donkey or a pack mule or anything? - Oh, and a Diet Coke. Votes: 0

Life is short. If you doubt me, ask a butterfly. Their average life span is a mere five to fourteen days. Votes: 0

While I was doing stand-up, I thought I knew for sure that success meant getting everyone to like me. So I became whoever I thought people wanted me to be. I'd say yes when I wanted to say no, and I even wore a few dresses. Votes: 0

Honestly, I would eat cardboard rather than go back to eating animals. Votes: 0

People love gossip. It's the biggest thing that keeps the entertainment industry going. Votes: 0

I believe one day a 'ban on gay marriage' will sound totally ridiculous. In the meantime, I will continue to speak out for equality for all of us. Votes: 0

First of all, I don't think they have to go that high. That is not necessary, to be that high in the air. I think they're showing off, those pilots. I think we could just go really fast just a few feet off the ground. Just high enough to miss the animals. Votes: 0

I've been trying to find women writers for my staff for a while now and I have three women on my staff and three guys so it's pretty equal. I don't know why that is. It's been the same thing for a while. It's hard for female comedians to stand out. That's weird. That's a shame. Votes: 0

Take a nap in a fireplace and you'll sleep like a log. Votes: 0

We focus so much on our differences, and that is creating, I think, a lot of chaos and negativity and bullying in the world. And I think if everybody focused on what we all have in common - which is - we all want to be happy. Votes: 0

You have to have funny faces and words, you can't just have words. It is a powerful thing, and I think that's why it's hard for people to imagine that women can do that, be that powerful. Votes: 0

Portia and I have been married for 4 years and they have been the happiest of my life. And in those 4 years, I don't think we hurt anyone else's marriage. I asked all of my neighbors and they say they're fine Votes: 0

I'm a godmother, that's a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me god for short, that's cute, I taught her that. Votes: 0

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is. Votes: 0

I'm so unfamiliar with the gym, I call it James! Votes: 0

The sixties were when hallucinogenic drugs were really, really big. And I don't think it's a coincidence that we had the type of shows we had then, like The Flying Nun. Votes: 0

If you're in a position where you can help other people, there is nothing better in life than helping other people. Happy Thanksgiving, everybody! Votes: 0

Sometimes when I am driving I get so angry at inconsiderate drivers that I want to scream at them. But then I remember how insignificant that is, and I thank God that I have a car and my health and gas. That was phrased wrong-normally you wouldn't say, thank God I have gas. Votes: 0

You're gonna be ok, dum de dum dum dum, just dance. Votes: 0

I'm glad I'm funny. I'm glad I make people happy, because that's very important. But I'm proud to be known as a kind person. Votes: 0

I think beauty comes from actually knowing who you are. That's real beauty to me. Votes: 0

I enjoy growing older and wiser and learning from my mistakes every single day. Votes: 0

Do things that make you happy within the confines of the legal system. Votes: 0

When life gives you lemons....they could really be oranges. Votes: 0

The only way a no-legged leopard could hurt you is if it fell out of a tree onto your head. Votes: 0

I know there's always going to be feedback no matter what the subject. I am shocked by somebody commenting on my shoes or my clothes. Everyone has an opinion, everyone is logging about everything and has an opinion. So I can't possibly pay attention to that. Votes: 0

I was in yoga the other day. I was in full lotus position. My chakras were all aligned. My mind is cleared of all clatter and I'm looking out of my third eye and everything that I'm supposed to be doing. It's amazing what comes up, when you sit in that silence. "Mama keeps whites bright like the sunlight, Mama's got the magic of Clorox 2." Votes: 0

I hope I make people feel better. I hope I take people out of their situations a little bit and make them happier. That's really why I do what I do. Votes: 0

For me, it's that I contributed, ... That I'm on this planet doing some good and making people happy. That's to me the most important thing, that my hour of television is positive and upbeat and an antidote for all the negative stuff going on in life. Votes: 0

I cannot believe they haven't yet come up with a better screening process than the mammogram. If a man had to put his special parts inside a clamp to test him for anything, I think they would come up with a new plan before the doctor finished saying, "Put that thing there so I can crush it. Votes: 0

True beauty is not related to what color your hair is or what color your eyes are. True beauty is about who you are as a human being, your principles, your moral compass. Votes: 0

What you look like on the outside is not what makes you cool at all. I mean, I had a mullet and wore parachute pants for a long, long time, and I'm doin' okay. Votes: 0

Normally, I try not to pay attention to my haters, but this time I'd like to talk about it, because my haters are my motivators. Votes: 0

There's always time to do things that you're passionate about. ... If my name helps get something out there that I believe in then I am going to produce it. ... Design is really my true love. Votes: 0

Find out who you are and figure out what you believe in. Even if it's different from what your neighbors believe in and different from what your parents believe in. Stay true to yourself. Have your own opinion. Don't worry about what people say about you or think about you. Let the naysayers nay. They will eventually grow tired of naying. Votes: 0

Who needs sleep? I laugh in the face of sleep! Votes: 0

Some people believe that to find happiness, you should live each day of your life as if it's your last because that way you will appreciate every single moment you have. Other people believe that you should live each day as if it's your first because then every day can be the beginning of a new journey. Votes: 0

Contribute to the world. Help people. Help one person. Help someone cross the street today. Help someone with directions unless you have a terrible sense of direction. Help someone who is trying to help you. Just help. Make an impact. Show someone you care. Say yes instead of no. Say something nice. Smile. Make eye contact. Hug. Kiss. Get naked. Votes: 0

I just like observing people - it's something I've done ever since I was a kid, and I got really good at it. That's a big part of why I became a comedian. My audience is filled with every kind of person you can imagine, and I love that. Votes: 0

Laugh. Laugh as much as you can. Laugh until you cry. Cry until you laugh. Keep doing it even if people are passing you on the street saying, "I can't tell if that person is laughing or crying, but either way they seem crazy, let's walk faster." Emote. It's okay. It shows you are thinking and feeling. Votes: 0

I'm just saying we can all work on our manners. We can say please and thank you. We can be punctual. We can just be nicer to one another. It's something we have in our power to do. It reminds me of that Margaret Mead quote: "Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it's the only thing that ever has. Votes: 0

Procrastinate now, don't put it off. Votes: 0

You know, it's hard work to write a book. I can't tell you how many times I really get going on an idea, then my quill breaks. Or I spill ink all over my writing tunic. Votes: 0

One rough patch is not the big picture. Votes: 0

Trying to get the talk show, looking back on it, we had to beg a lot of station managers to pick up the show because people thought no one would watch it because I'm openly gay. Votes: 0

My point is, life is about balance. The good and the bad. The highs and the lows. The pina and the colada. Votes: 0

I was raised that you don't use something nice until there's someplace to go. Votes: 0

I've moved about 10 times over the past 15 years. I don't move for the sole purpose of getting rid of stuff. I'm not crazy. I also move so that I never have to wash any windows. Votes: 0

Why is it that when you wipe up dust its called dusting but when you wipe up a spill its not called spilling? Just something to think about. Votes: 0

It's funny how cucumber water can taste so much better than pickle juice, even though they come from the same source. Votes: 0

Leaning forward in your chair when someone is trying to squeeze behind you isn't enough. You also have to move the chair. Votes: 0

The thing everyone should realize is that the key to happiness is being happy for yourself and yourself. Votes: 0

Things will get easier, people's minds will change, and you should be alive to see it. Votes: 0

Baloney is just salami with an inferiority complex. Votes: 0

All of my friends were seeing a therapist, and I thought something was wrong with me that I didn't see a therapist. So I went to a therapist to find out why I wasn't seeing a therapist. And it turns out I'm very screwed up. Thank God I found a therapist to tell me for $125 an hour. Votes: 0

I had done a sitcom and a movie and hosted the Emmys, and all of a sudden, I lost everything. As someone put it at the time, I was suddenly like a Ferrari in neutral. Votes: 0

I don't understand the sizes anymore. There's a size zero, which I didn't even know that they had. It must stand for: 'Ohhh my God, you're thin.' Votes: 0

You just have to keep driving down the road. It's going to bend and curve and you'll speed up and slow down, but the road keeps going. Votes: 0

I just want to find somebody special, somebody that I click with. Votes: 0

My dream guests are really not so much celebrities. They're people who are actually interesting and they're doing something interesting with their lives or had an interesting experience in some way. I really enjoy talking to regular, everyday people. Votes: 0

Romance often begins by a splashing waterfall and ends over a leaky sink. Votes: 0

If you want to get rid of stuff, you can always do a good spring-cleaning. Or you can do what I do. Move. Votes: 0

The legend goes that St. Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland. I was thinking... that must be hard to put all the tiny seatbelts on all the snakes. Votes: 0

When you take risks you learn that there will be times when you succeed and there will be times when you fail, and both are equally important. Votes: 0

Have you seen the deer heads on the walls of bars, the ones wearing party hats, sunglasses and streamers? I feel sorry for them because obviously they were at a party having a good time... Votes: 0

I have a great career, and I have wonderful fans who really are supportive and loyal - because I'm not hiding anything from them. Votes: 0

We're told to go on living our lives as usual, because to do otherwise is to let the terrorists win, and really, what would upset the Taliban more than a gay woman wearing a suit in front of a room full of Jews? Votes: 0

I prefer to believe that people are good and honest and respect me enough to tell me the truth. It's not easy to find those people all the time, but they're out there. Votes: 0

One time I actually cleaned out my closet so good I ended up on the cover of Time magazine. Votes: 0

I personally like being unique. I like being my own person with my own style and my own opinions and my own toothbrush. Votes: 0

Have you ever thought about toothpaste? Ellen has! And she makes a point about all of the types of toothpaste that Colgate offers! Votes: 0

I know that every time I list something that I am, I am potentially alienating a whole group of people. Publicists and managers will encourage you not to say what political party you belong to, what you eat, what you don't eat, who you sleep with and all that stuff. Votes: 0

There would be nothing to get me to run for president. I don't even understand how anyone would want that job at all. Although I would be able to play golf which I don't seem to have time now. Votes: 0

We all feel like idiots at one time or another. Even if we feel we're cool 98 percent of the time, that 2-percent doofus is poised to take over our bodies without any warning. Votes: 0

What's New Orleans without music? And what's music without dancing? Votes: 0

I think furniture is art. I don't think art is just for your walls - I think everything that someone has made is a piece of art. Votes: 0

The stand up, everything was accidental. I never grew up and was the class clown and had to get the attention. It was - it really is, I have a career despite myself. Votes: 0

The only thing I really recommend, if you're starting out in stand-up is to not try to copy anybody else. You can be influenced by people. I was influenced by Steve Martin and Bob Newhart and Woody Allen, but I never tried to be someone else. I always tried to be myself. And the reason people are successful is they're unique. Votes: 0

The reason I do what I do is because I was influenced by Steve Martin, by Woody Allen, by Bob Newhart, by Carol Burnett, by Lucille Ball. Votes: 0

Sometimes you can't see yourself clearly until you see yourself through the eyes of others. Votes: 0

In the beginning there was nothing. God said, 'Let there be light!' And there was light. There was still nothing, but you could see it a whole lot better. Votes: 0

I still have the shirt I wore my first time on Johnny Carson's show. Only now I use it as a tablecloth at dinner parties. It was very blousy. Votes: 0

It's our challenges and obstacles that give us layers of depth and make us interesting. Are they fun when they happen? No. But they are what make us unique. And that's what I know for sure... I think. Votes: 0

No matter how popular you are as a stand-up - you can go out and fill a 10,000-seat arena and be smart and funny - it's delicate to host an awards show and know where your place is and know that it's not about you, that it's about the people who are nominated, and respect that, but at the same time have your moment to show them who you are. Votes: 0

Comedy can be, especially in a writer's room, really aggressive, kind of a very male-dominated room, and it would be hard for women. It's not a nurturing place. It's not like a lot of women are going to say, I can't wait to live that lifestyle and be in a writer's room until 2 or 3 a.m. Votes: 0

I learned compassion from being discriminated against. Everything bad that's ever happened to me has taught me compassion. Votes: 0

I would love for the world to be happier. Votes: 0

We need more kindness, more compassion, more joy, more laughter. I definitely want to contribute to that. Votes: 0

I just feel like every kid is growing up too fast and they're seeing too much. Everything is about sex, and that's fine for me. I'm not saying I don't like it. But I don't think it should be everywhere, where kids are exposed to everything sexual. Because they have to have some innocence; there's just no innocence left. Votes: 0

I do like men and I had, you know, a guy in high school that I wanted to marry desperately. He's the mayor of some small town in Texas. I could be the mayor's wife right now. Votes: 0

I used to beat myself up about weight and working out, and no matter what I did I never felt good about myself. I decided to accept myself and know that I am good. Votes: 0

When people show me clothing that seems very, very feminine, it's hard for me to embrace that, because it just doesn't feel like me. Votes: 0

The world is filled with negativity. I want people to watch me and think, "I feel good, and I'm going to make somebody else feel good today. Votes: 0

The most important thing in your life is to live your life with integrity and to not give in to peer pressure to try to be something that you're not. Votes: 0

Human beings only use ten percent of their brains. Ten percent! Can you imagine how much we could accomplish if we used the other sixty percent? Votes: 0

If someone ever says you're weird, say thank you. Votes: 0

Our flaws are what makes us human. If we can accept them as part of who we are, they really don't even have to be an issue. Votes: 0

It's failure that gives you the proper perspective on success. Votes: 0

Never follow anyone else's path, unless you're in the woods and you're lost. Votes: 0

I don't know what people are scared of...maybe they think their children will be influenced by gay marriage, but I've got to tell you, I was raised by two heterosexuals. Everywhere I looked - heterosexuals. And they did not influence me. It's time we love people for who they are and let them love who they want. Votes: 0

This is my real secret to being a joyful person: I make my life easy. I spend more time being grateful for what I have instead of focusing on what isn't working. I no longer believe that people have to do things my way and that I have to be perfect. Votes: 0

And now I've got to explain the smell that was in there before I went in there. Does that ever happen to you? It's not your fault. You've held your breath, you just wanna get out, and now you open the door and you have to explain, 'Oh! Listen, there's an odor in there and I didn't do it. It's bad. Votes: 0

Penguins mate for life. Which doesn't really surprise me, because they all look exactly alike. It's not like they're gonna meet a better-looking penguin someday. Votes: 0

When your heart is broken, when your heart has cracks in it, it lets the light in. Votes: 0

For someone like me, who loves to sweat and push herself, it's a challenge to slow down, to sit, to breathe and hold poses. Votes: 0

Way, way back in the day, like in the 1990s, if you wanted to tell everyone you ate waffles for breakfast, you couldn't just go on the Internet and tweet it out. There was only one way to do it. You had to go outside and scream at the top of your lungs, 'I ate waffles for breakfast!' That's why so many people ended up in institutions. They seemed crazy, but when you think about it, they were just ahead of their time. Votes: 0

My life is perfect even when it's not. Votes: 0

There's no one way to dance. And that's kind of my philosophy about everything. Votes: 0

When you take risks you learn that there will be times when you succeed and there will be times when you fail, and both are equally important. It's hard to understand failure when you're going through it, but in the grand scheme of things it's good to fall down—not because you're drunk and not near stairs. Votes: 0

Accept who you are. Unless you're a serial killer. Votes: 0

It must be around forty, when you're "over the hill." I don't even know what that means and why it's a bad thing. When I go hiking and I get over the hill, that means I'm past the hard part and there's a snack in my future. That's a good thing as far as I'm concerned. Votes: 0

For a long time I thought I knew for sure who I was. I grew up in New Orleans and became a comedian. And there was everything that came along with that. The nightclubs. The smoking. The drinking. Then I turned 13. Votes: 0

I've always said, I like my coffee like I like my men... I don't drink coffee. Votes: 0

Do we have to know who's gay and who's straight? Can't we just love everybody and judge them by the car they drive? Votes: 0

No one is perfect, except for Penélope Cruz. Votes: 0

I have the worst memory ever so no matter who comes up to me - they're just, like, 'I can't believe you don't remember me!" I'm like, 'Oh Dad I'm sorry! Votes: 0

My hair is always at its best in New York. I don't know what's in the water. It could be mousse. Votes: 0

You can always tell when the relationship is over. Little things start getting on your nerves, 'Would you please stop that! That breathing in and out, it's so repetitious.' Votes: 0

I didn't go to college at all, any college, and I'm not saying you wasted your time or money, but look at me, I'm a huge celebrity. Votes: 0

I don't think I remember my first memory. Votes: 0

Life is about balance. The good and the bad. The highs and the lows. The thing everyone should realize is that the key to happiness is being happy by yourself and for yourself. Happiness comes from within. You have the power to change your own mindset so that all the negative, horrible thoughts that try to invade your psyche are replaced with happy, positive, wonderful thoughts. Votes: 0

Now we have hands-free phones, so you can focus on the thing you're really supposed to be doing ... chances are, if you need both of your hands to do something, your brain should be in on it too. Votes: 0

Why can't rappers just say nice things? Like I wanna take your clothes off and hang them up in the closet real nice. Votes: 0

I appreciate your giving my book -- and in no small way, me -- a chance. To thank you, I really wanted to acknowledge all of you in the book. Unfortunately, I didn't have enough room for each name. So I've put in a code name that stands for all of you reading this book. The name is 'Mom.' It will be our little secret. So when you see 'Mom' in the acknowledgments, you'll know I'm really talking about you. And don't let my mother try to tell you otherwise. Votes: 0

Please raise your children with love and non-judgement. Tell them everyone has the right to love who they want to love. It shouldn't threaten you or who you are. Votes: 0

Haters are my motivators Votes: 0

Some of the most devastating things that happen to you will teach you the most Votes: 0

Just go up to somebody on the street and say 'You're it!' and then run away. Votes: 0

Emote. It's okay. It shows you are thinking and feeling. Votes: 0

I never see the glass half empty because I drink out the bottle Votes: 0

It is a fundamental right for people to be allowed to love who they want to love and marry who they want to marry and stop holding on to some form of discrimination that it's just isn't fair. Votes: 0

I gotta work out. I keep saying it all the time. I keep saying I gotta start working out. Its been about two months since I've worked out. And I just don't have the time. Which uh..is odd. Because I have the time to go out to dinner. And uh..and watch TV. And get a bone density test. And uh.. try to figure out what my phone number spells in words. Votes: 0

If anybody could put themselves in that situation of feeling a giant loud voice saying you don't deserve the same rights, you are different and you are not equal, it feels really bad. Votes: 0

Procrastination is not the problem. It is the solution. Procrastinate now, don't put it off. Votes: 0

The way I see it... If you need both of your hands for whatever it is you're doing, then your brain should probably be in on it too. Votes: 0

I do it because I love animals and I saw the reality. And I just couldn't ignore it anymore. I'm healthier for it, I'm happier for it. I can't imagine that if you're putting something in your body that is filled with fear or anxiety or pain, that that isn't somehow going to be inside of you. Votes: 0

The problem with labels is that they lead to stereotypes and stereotypes lead to generalizations and generalizations lead to assumptions and assumptions lead back to stereotypes. It's a vicious cycle, and after you go around and around a bunch of times you end up believing that all vegans only eat cabbage and all gay people love musicals. Votes: 0

Be open to learning new lessons, even if they contradict the lessons you learned yesterday. Votes: 0

And the bottom line is we are who we are-we look a certain way, we talk a certain way, we walk a certain way. I strut because I'm a supermodel, and sometimes I gallop for fun. When we learn to accept that, other people learn to accept us. So be who you really are. Embrace who you are. Literally. Hug yourself. Accept who you are. Unless you're a serial killer. Votes: 0

When I look back on the stuff I used to wear, I wonder why somebody didn't try to stop me. Just a friendly warning, "You may regret this," would have been fine. Votes: 0

The word "yoga" literally means "uniting", because when you're doing it you are uniting your mind and your body. You can tell this almost immediately because your mind will be thinking, "Ouch, that hurts," and your body will say, "I know." And your mind will think, "You have to get out of this position." And your body will say, "I agree with you, but I can't right now. I think I'm stuck. Votes: 0

I'm a lesbian, an Aquarian, and a vegetarian. Votes: 0

It makes a big difference in your life when you stay positive. Votes: 0

It's nice when people love you....for you. Votes: 0

Stuffed deer heads on walls are bad enough, but it's worse when you see them wearing dark glasses, having streamers around their necks and a hat on their antlers. Because then you know they were enjoying themselves at a party when they were shot. Votes: 0

I'm sure men have their own ways of trying to demean one another, but women can be very gossipy and judgmental, and that doesn't help. Votes: 0

...To be honest, I'd be the last person who should be doling out gardeinng advice. I don't have the patience for growing things. Yes, I realize there's nothing quite as satisfying as eating food that you've pulled up from the ground and that's why, at the height of the planting season, I bury cans of tomato soup in my backyard and dig them up in late spring. Votes: 0

I think we need more love in the world. We need more kindness, more compassion, more joy, more laughter. I definitely want to contribute to that. Votes: 0

Most people don't get to laugh, be free, dance, be surrounded by this energy. It's important to remind people to take that home. I want the world to start shifting [to] a more positive energy. Votes: 0

The song 'If I Had a Hammer' is geared toward people who don't have a hammer. Maybe before I had a hammer I thought I'd hammer in the morning and hammer in the evening. But once you get a hammer, you find you don't really hammer as much as you thought you would. Votes: 0

You listen to any monologue on late-night TV or just in general, to people talking, and there's always a joke at someone's expense. It's sarcasm; it's nasty. Kids grow up hearing that, and they think that's what humor is, and they think it's OK. But that negativity permeates the entire planet. Votes: 0

There are people out there hiding all kinds of things. People who have all this success and all this fame and all this money, and yet there are secrets that they think if we found out about, it would be over for them. And it's a horrible way to live whether you're famous or not. Votes: 0

You're never too old to play. You're only too old for low-rise jeans. Votes: 0

Golden eagles have an interesting way of mating, where they connect in the air while flying at eighty miles an hour and then they start dropping and they don't stop dropping until the act is completed. So it's not uncommon that they both fall all the way to the ground, hit the ground and both of them die. That's how committed they are to this. I thought to myself, 'Boy, don't we feel like wimps for stopping to answer the phone.' I don't know about you, but if I'm one of these two birds, you're getting close to the ground... I would serioulsy consider fakin' it. Votes: 0

And we certainly don't have full conversations on cellphones. You know? Usually the reception is so bad, but it's only bad on your side. The person talking to you has no clue. They're just rambling on and on. You've got your finger jammed in your ear, you're shushing people on the streets. You're ducked behind a dumpster so you can hear about your friend's new hair cut. What about the bangs are they shorter?! Are the bangs shorter?! The bangs! Votes: 0

There is something about TM. It is the only time I have that stillness... It gives me this peaceful feeling-I just love it so much. Votes: 0

I'm a - I'm a, um, a godmother which is just, that's fun to be a godmother, she is so precious, she's the light of my life, she's two... or five or something, and she's, uh... I don't know, I've never seen her - the pictures are precious, she just seems so, y'know... She lives clear across town, I don't have that kind of time, but, um... Well, I send money and stuff, it's not like I don't have a connection. Votes: 0

No, we can't be friends. You're my mom. You're what i talk to my friends about. Votes: 0

I know that experts say you're more likely to get hurt crossing the street than you are flying, but that doesn't make me any less frightened of flying. If anything, it makes me more afraid of crossing the street. Votes: 0

There are people who study germs. I believe they are called Germans Votes: 0

I think the hard thing about this job [stand-up] I mean, I think this part is great but that the traveling is y'know, 'cause 'cause I'm gone a lot from home and this time I'm out for three-and-a-half weeks without going home, and that's hard, to be gone three-and-a-half weeks 'cause then I have to ask my friends, "Would you mind going to the house and watering the plants, and turn some lights on and make it look like somebody's home, and make sure that the mobile over the crib isn't tangled or the baby's gonna get bored... Votes: 0

I have a terrible problem with procrastination... a friend told me, "Well, you should go to therapy." And I thought about it, but then I said, "Wait a minute. Why should I pay a stranger to listen to me talk when I can get strangers to pay to listen to me talk?" And that's when I got the idea of touring. Votes: 0

Save a life this Thanksgiving, and join me in starting a new tradition by adopting a turkey instead of eating one through Farm Sanctuary's Adopt-A-Turkey Project. Votes: 0

When the message out there is so horrible that, to be gay, you can get killed for it... we need to change the message!! Votes: 0

Beauty isn't between a size zero and a size eight, it is not a number at all. It is not physical. Votes: 0

If there weren't blacks, Jews and gays, there would no Oscars. Or anyone named Oscar, if you think about that. Votes: 0

Then you have these people in the movie theaters that talk the whole time during the movie. You ever go with somebody like that to a movie but you don't realize until you get there that you're with somebody like that? Brand new movie. First day it's open. You're there together and the entire time they're sitting there: Where's she going? Why'd he do that? Is he mad at her? I don't know, let's watch and find out together shall we? You know who you are. You're denying it right now: I do not do that. Why is she saying that?. What's she gonna say next? Votes: 0

What would bug the Taliban more than seeing a gay woman in a suit surrounded by Jews? Votes: 0

The good psychic would pick up the phone before it rang. Of course it is possible there was noone on the other line. Once she said "God Bless you" I said, "I didn't sneeze" She looked deep into my eyes and said, "You will, eventually." And damn it if she wasn't right. Two days later I sneezed. Votes: 0

All we have is here and now. That's why procrastination feels so right. Procrastination isn't the problem, it's the solution. Votes: 0

I had a really tough time for a few years. My show was gone. My phone wasn't ringing. There wasn't one job offer. And at that point, I thought I knew for sure that I wouldn't work in Hollywood again. Votes: 0

If we lose our phones, we lose our phone books. You don't memorize numbers anymore. Votes: 0

Hosting the Emmys is a challenge for me. I guess it's the equivalent of someone who needs to climb a mountain or jump out of a plane. It's that kind of thing, where this could go terribly wrong. And I love the feeling of when it goes right. Votes: 0

I've learned 2 things about tv. It's always easier with vodka & SOME OF THE BEST SINGERS ARE FROM THE PHILIPPINES Votes: 0

What goes up must come down, which is why I don't wear tube tops. Votes: 0

Really, he called me that? Ellen DeGenerate? I've been getting that since fourth grade. I guess I'm happy I could give him work. Votes: 0

You say you`re sick and tired of hearing about me? I've got news for you: I`M sick and tired of hearing about me. Votes: 0

My dog of 17 years just died. Oh you're kidding?... Noooo... as funny as that is, I'm not Votes: 0

I admire people who know they can't sing. There are so many people out there who can't sing, but they think they can, so they sing a lot. Votes: 0

A circus! 100 clowns of injustice have climbed out of the tiny clown car of this court room. Votes: 0

That woman in the shampoo commercial - she's happy. She's... she's too happy. Votes: 0

When there's time for whistling, there's a lot of time on a show. Votes: 0

I think I let go of the need for approval, ... It certainly feels good when you get it, but I used to be more desperate for it. Once I felt better inside about myself ... I could do everything based on how I want to do things. Votes: 0

Come on, if you don't win tonight it doesn't mean you're not a good person, it just means you're not a good actor. Votes: 0

You know me. Any excuse to put on a dress. Votes: 0

Did you ever feel like the whole world was going to a party and your invitation got lost in the mail? Votes: 0

I wanted to have money; I wanted to be special; I wanted people to like me; I wanted to be famous. Votes: 0

We can sit and worry about what's going to happen to us two weeks from now. I'd rather focus on the amazing things happening right in front of us. Votes: 0

When I was younger I thought success was something different. I thought, " When I grow up, I want to be famous. I want to be a star. I want to be in movies. When I grow up I want to see the world, drive nice cars. I want to have groupies." But my idea of success is different today. For me, the most important thing in your life is to live your life with integrity and not to give into peer pressure, to try to be something that you're not. To live your life as an honest and compassionate person. To contribute in some way. Votes: 0

Everybody always resolves to start exercising, but they never do. You know why ? Because it's January. Who wants to go jogging in the freezing cold ? Votes: 0

I put a basketball in front of George Clooney's door and sprayed it with supermodel perfume to lure him out. Votes: 0

The first person I learned I could make happy with laughter was my mother, whom I idolize. It was a powerful thing to realize. I knew I had found my life's work. Votes: 0

I've got a lot to say about television. There's a lot going on in television right now and I feel like a huge part of television. Votes: 0

My cat, Ethel, is an indoor cat but somehow she's sneakin' out at night. 'Cause the other morning I found a stamp on her paw... I wouldn't have noticed myself, but I just bought this new black light and she passed right under it and I said, 'Hey, what's that on you paw? Votes: 0

For some reason, we can't just enjoy somebody else's success. Somehow, that's going to affect us. If they have more, then I have less - and I don't know why. Votes: 0

In the 80's we had high, high, waisted pants, that if they came up any higher they'd have to go up another size, if you know what I mean. Votes: 0

I think there's too much mult-tasking going on. I think people need to quiet down and focus and be still more. Votes: 0

Actually this is really funny - one time she accidentally forgot to leave a note and I had no idea she had even moved. I was living in the house with a beautiful Mexican family for three months before I realized they weren't my cousins visiting from out of town. They were so nice. They called me "Quien es, quien es," which I thought was a beautiful name. Votes: 0

Sometimes the greatest things are the most embarrassing. Votes: 0

...we should be grateful for them because without our family—the ancestors we descend from, the cousins we see once a year, the loves our lives we see every day—life is pretty boring. Votes: 0

Do you live each day as if it's your first or your last? Either way you should probably have a diaper on. Votes: 0

There are "well-known secrets” out there and there are people who are "so happy they could die.” Sometimes people are so sad they have to laugh and sometimes things feel so wrong, they're right. Basically what I'm saying is, I usually don't know what people are talking about. Votes: 0

Now airlines charge for everything... If the oxygen mask drops, you have to swipe your credit card to start the flow of the oxygen. Votes: 0

I had no intention of becoming a comedian. I just wanted to make people happy. I tried everything-I shucked oysters, I painted houses, I sold vacuum cleaners. But there was always a voice saying, You should be doing something different. And it was usually my boss and I was being fired. Votes: 0

It feels good. Kinda like when you have to shut your computer down, just sometimes when it goes crazy, you just shut it down and when you turn it on, it's okay again. That's what meditation is to me. Votes: 0

It always helps to think about other people instead of ourselves. Votes: 0

That's what life is all about. There's a lot of crying. So you'd better cry now and get used to it. Votes: 0

There are all sorts of books offering advice on how to deal with life-threatening situations, but where's the advice on dealing with embarrassing ones? Votes: 0

Though you feel you're not where you're suppose to be, you shouldn't worry because that next turn that you take, it will lead you to where you wanna go. Votes: 0

If we don't want to define ourselves by things as superficial as our appearances, we're stuck with the revolting alternative of being judged by our actions. Votes: 0

Start thinking positively. You will notice a difference. Instead of 'I think I'm a loser,' try 'I definitely am a loser.' Stop being wishy-washy about things! How much more of a loser can you be if you don't even know you are one? Either you are a loser or you are not. Which is it, stupid? Votes: 0

Dan: 'Ah, well, I hope this didn't have anything to do with me.' Ellen: 'No, not unless you played Cat Woman in Batman. Votes: 0

You know, radio DJ's must really love to talk to theirselves. Especially when they have the graveyard shift. 'Hey this is Ellen with 89.1. It is currently three in the morning. There are few cars on the road. And it your still listening heres a little music to get you to dance.. Votes: 0

It's such an honor to receive the Mark Twain Prize. To get the same award that has been given to people like Bill Cosby, Tina Fey and Will Ferrell, it really makes me wonder… why didn't I get this sooner? Votes: 0

Procrastination isn't the problem. It's the solution. It's the universe's way of saying stop, slow down, you move too fast. Votes: 0

You should never assume. You know what happens when you assume. You make an ass out of you and me because that's how it's spelled. Votes: 0

Something big happened over the weekend. Something that affects everybody, all over the world. George Clooney got married. Votes: 0

I think what saved me is me being honest. I think I somewhow had the courage to do something and say something that I knew would possibly end my career. Instead of making business more important I made my soul and my life more important. And I think by being truthful, and being honest, that saved me. Votes: 0

I look at anything in nature and how things work-the stars, the pyramids-and I can't imagine that there's not some kind of design to it all. There's got to be something big that we don't understand. I do believe in Jesus. I believe in being good to one another. Life is about spending our time here contributing and not taking away. That's my faith. Votes: 0

I cannot imagine not going home to animals. They are the closest thing to God; they don't harbor resentment. I wanted to be a vet when I grew up. Votes: 0

I'm going to be kind, because then it all just kind of spreads, and the world is a little nicer out there. Votes: 0

Gratitude is looking on the brighter side of the life, even if it means hurting your eyes. Votes: 0

People are constantly asking Portia and me if we are going to have children. We thought about it. We love to be around children after they've been fed and bathed. But we ultimately decided that we don't want children of our own. There is far too much glass in our house. Votes: 0

Have you ever heard somebody sing some lyrics that you've never sung before, and you realize you've never sung the right words in that song? You hear them and all of a sudden you say to yourself, 'Life in the Fast Lane?' That's what they're saying right there? You think, 'why have I been singing 'wipe in the vaseline?' how many people have heard me sing 'wipe in the vaseline?' I am an idiot. Votes: 0

I don't need a baby growing inside me for nine months. If I'm going to feel nauseous and achy when I wake up, I want to achieve that state the old-fashioned way: getting good and drunk the night before. Votes: 0

Haiku sounds like I'm Saying hi to someone named Ku. Hi, Ku. Hello. Votes: 0

You know that song that asks, "Why do fools fall in love?"? I think the obvious answer is because they're fools. Votes: 0

So, I bought a new CD and I was trying to get it open but couldn't with all the layers... I mean plastic and then tape, and the tape is like government tape. It says 'open here.' Is that sarcasm? Votes: 0

Be true to yourself and everything will be fine. Votes: 0

When I decided to have my character on the show come out, I knew I was going to have to come out, too. I never wanted to be the lesbian actress. I never wanted to be the spokesperson for the gay community. Ever. I did it for my own truth. Votes: 0

I care passionately about equal rights [and] animal rights. Votes: 0

I like to try new things because I get bored so easily. Votes: 0

There's nothing I know for sure, because I know for sure that things change. Votes: 0

Beauty is not between a size 0 and a size 8. It's not a number at all. Votes: 0

I think people talk too much anyway. Sometimes people are talking to me and in my mind I'm just like "shut up, shut up, shut upblah blah blah blah blaaaaah. Votes: 0

People give me such a hard time because I don't wear dresses. What's that got to do with anything? Votes: 0

I'm a fan of people getting together. Votes: 0

Do you feel insecure because you keep getting the nagging feeling that you're not that smart? Well, I've got good news for you, my friend. You have no need to be insecure. That nagging feeling is absolutely right on target. You are not that smart. But I have more good news for you. You are also not alone. Votes: 0

I wonder what will happen if i put a hand cream on my feet, will they get confused and start clapping? Votes: 0

I still get scared at night. Every tiny creak, every little noise, I open my eyes real wide and listen with them. Have you noticed that? When it's dark and you can't see a thing, you open your eyes really wide and glance back and force, like your eyes become your ears? Votes: 0

What did the letter O say to Q? Dude, your dikk is hanging out. Votes: 0

Friends will write me letters. They run out of room on the front of the letter. They write 'over' on the bottom of the letter. Like I'm that much of a moron. Like I need that there. Because if it wasn't there, I'd get to the bottom of the page: 'And so Kathy and I went shopping and we--' That's the craziest thing! I don't know why she would just end it that way. Votes: 0

We use only 10% of our brains... Imagine how smart we would be if we used the other 60%! Votes: 0

We went to lunch and were talking about procrastination and the waitress overheard us and she said, 'I have a problem with procrastination, too.' I said 'Really?... Get my sandwich.' Votes: 0

We're just trying to find happiness in the bodies and minds we were given, like everyone else. Votes: 0

I'm not going to say who looks the most beautiful, but it's clear. It's Jared Leto. I mean, he's the prettiest. Boy is he pretty Votes: 0

I see those picketers, and I think you know, if I weren't a loving, non-violent, spiritual person, I would really go over there and grab those signs and smash them over their heads and shove them up their asses. But...I'm a loving, spiritual person. Votes: 0

Here's the analogy. If my body were a car, I'd be thinking about trading it in around now. I would like to upgrade. I would be actually on the lot somewhere and some guy with a loud sports jacket would be sizing me up...kinda lookin' around goin--maybe kickin my knees. Looking behind me going: That looks a little bashed in back there...Yeah. You mind if I check under the hood?" 'Well yes I do! Thank you very much. Votes: 0

Catch-and-release, that's like running down pedestrians in your car and then, when they get up and limp away, saying -- 'Off you go! That's fine. I just wanted to see if I could hit you.' Votes: 0

But I do believe that's when you do your soul-searching. I think when you have these trials that life gives you, it is an opportunity to find out who you are. Not just who you are when everything's great, but who are you when every thing is taken away from you and you have nothing. Votes: 0

My name is Ellen and I'm a vegetarian. Just to add another label to me: I am a lesbian, aquarian and vegetarian. I've said it... Votes: 0

Don't you hate when people are late to work. And they always have the worst excuses. "Oh, I'm sorry I'm late, traffic." "Traffic, huh? How do you think I got here; helicoptered in!?" Votes: 0

You talk to some people who are opposed to same sex marriage, and they'll say, 'If we allow that, what's next? Will people want to marry animals?'...You have to wonder about people who go straight to that idea --- and they think WE'RE weird! Votes: 0

Who's to say what's better or worse anyway? Who's to even say what's normal or average? We're all different people and we're allowed to be different from on another. If someone ever says you're weird, say thank you. And then curtsy. No, don't curtsy. That might be too weird. Bow. And tip your imaginary hate. That'll show them. Votes: 0

Answers to Frequently Asked Questions: Yes. Yes. No. One time in high school. Three times in my twenties. Rocks no salt. Yes. Four. Never. And how dare you! I will take no further questions. Votes: 0

If your Birthday is on Christmas day and you're not Jesus, you should start telling people your birthday is on June 9 or something. Just read up on the traits of a Gemini. Suddenly you're a multitasker who loves the color yellow. Because not only do you get stuck with them combo gift, you get the combo song. "We wish you a merry Christmas - and happy birthday, Terry - we wish you a merry Christmas - happy birthday, Terry - we wish you a merry Christmas and a happy New Ye - Birthday, Terry! Votes: 0

So be who you really are. Embrace who you are. Literally. Hug yourself. Accept who you are. Unless you're a serial killer. Votes: 0

It's so much better for me to do a talk show. You still have that energy of the audience, and the audience is just as important as that guest that's sitting next to me. It's not about me and that guest exchanging energy and talking. It's about everything that's going on in that room, and they're as much a part of the show as anything. I like this better than anything I've ever done. Votes: 0

Some celebrities, it's interesting, because they're fantastic playing a character when somebody is writing the lines for them, and they're amazing actors, but they're not as comfortable on television in front of a live audience and just having a conversation and being themselves. Votes: 0

Standup is more me talking the entire time. There's definitely an exchange of energy because that room, that audience, is giving back. Votes: 0

I get home at the end of the day and I don't want to talk. All I want to do is lay on the floor and pet my dogs and my cats. Votes: 0

I don't consider myself an interviewer as much as an entertainer. Votes: 0

It`s hard when paparazzi are photographing every single thing you do. I'm sure a lot of people made mistakes - they just were not documented the way they are now. Votes: 0

I think there's a whole bunch of things that go along with being a girl. You're not supposed to have opinions or be tough or strong. You're supposed to be soft and vulnerable, and I find those qualities important in both men and women. Votes: 0

I think gender plays a part in most things, but I don't know how it would be different because I've never been a man. And my fame is different from Nicole Kidman's or Sharon Stone's. I think everybody's fame is different. Votes: 0

It's just, you can get very complacent if you do the same thing all the time and especially [comedy], it gives me different things to react to and respond to, and it stimulates me,. Votes: 0

I always like using different muscles, you can take that however you want. But doing something once a year is fantastic, I highly recommended it if you can do it. It's a wonderful thing, it's very freeing and I can put a lot of energy and attention onto it and it's something I love doing. Votes: 0

I watch people's behavior and notice things. I think that's why I became a comedian. I notice how stupid the things we do are. Votes: 0

I think people need to laugh everyday. Whether the economy is good or bad, I think the most important thing is to laugh and to feel positive, if you are laughing at something positive. But if you are laughing at mean jokes then it's a wash. Votes: 0

I get my dance moves from just moving around and listening to music and not really worrying about if it's perfect or not. Votes: 0

I get to do stand-up every single day. I love that live energy exchange between the audience and myself, and to get to say the things I want to say and comment on. Votes: 0

I would rather be the good aunt who never says anything bad and lets the parents discipline the child. Votes: 0

Sometimes something being taken away from you is exactly what you need to take a look at yourself. Votes: 0

I love furniture. And I thought, why are we not seeing who's making the cool new coffee table and these new designs that come out? Votes: 0

It would be horrible to live with someone who didn't like the same things you like. Votes: 0

If success is really dependent on someone liking you or not liking you, and you have to teeter on that kind of tightrope of how you're supposed to act and how you're supposed to look and who you are, it's just not a healthy way to live. Votes: 0

I don't really ever live my life in fear. I really live my life in gratitude and feeling positive for the most part. Votes: 0

Meditation is helping me learn to sit still. Twenty minutes of meditation in the morning is a nice way to start my day. If you can actually sit still and really get to that place of silence, you realize what's important and what's not important. Little things don't usually get to me anymore. Votes: 0

We put the wrong emphasis on what beauty is and what health is. Health is being vibrant and having energy and being happy. Votes: 0

Above all, I strive to be the best I can - to be better than I was yesterday and better tomorrow. Votes: 0

I have the picture of Barack [Obama] and me dancing right outside of my dressing room door, I see it every single day, and it makes me very happy. Votes: 0

I always worry when someone's a good golfer. It's like you shouldn't have time to be good at anything. You should just be a politician and you shouldn't have time to practice golf. Votes: 0

I like sitting at outdoor restaurants; it would be nice to go someplace on the street and not worry about somebody taking my picture while I'm about to take a bite of something. Votes: 0

I talked to Beyonce and she wants to learn how to speak Arabic and she wants to jump out of an airplane. I don't want to do that. I just don't want to wash my hair every day. Votes: 0