Top quotes by Erma Bombeck

For years my wedding ring has done its job. It has led me not into temptation. It has reminded my husband numerous times at parties that it's time to go home. It has been a source of relief to a dinner companion. It has been a status symbol in the maternity ward. Votes: 48

Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence. Votes: 41

There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt. Votes: 36

Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago. Votes: 29

Do you know what you call those who use towels and never wash them, eat meals and never do the dishes, sit in rooms they never clean, and are entertained till they drop? If you have just answered, 'A house guest,' you're wrong because I have just described my kids. Votes: 28

Like religion, politics, and family planning, cereal is not a topic to be brought up in public. It's too controversial. Votes: 28

On vacations: We hit the sunny beaches where we occupy ourselves keeping the sun off our skin, the saltwater off our bodies, and the sand out of our belongings. Votes: 27

Once you get a spice in your home, you have it forever. Women never throw out spices. The Egyptians were buried with their spices. I know which one I'm taking with me when I go. Votes: 26

Why would anyone steal a shopping cart? It's like stealing a two-year-old. Votes: 25

No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed. I have known mothers who remake the bed after their children do it because there is wrinkle in the spread or the blanket is on crooked. This is sick. Votes: 24

Being a child at home alone in the summer is a high-risk occupation. If you call your mother at work thirteen times an hour, she can hurt you. Votes: 24

Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated. Votes: 23

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'. Votes: 21

I have a theory about the human mind. A brain is a lot like a computer. It will only take so many facts, and then it will go on overload and blow up. Votes: 18

I never leaf through a copy of National Geographic without realizing how lucky we are to live in a society where it is traditional to wear clothes. Votes: 17

Youngsters of the age of two and three are endowed with extraordinary strength. They can lift a dog twice their own weight and dump him into the bathtub. Votes: 16

People shop for a bathing suit with more care than they do a husband or wife. The rules are the same. Look for something you'll feel comfortable wearing. Allow for room to grow. Votes: 16

Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery. Votes: 16

A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday. Votes: 15

There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child. Votes: 14

I haven't trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their lunch hour. I've never met a woman in my life who would give up lunch for sex. Votes: 13

I have a hat. It is graceful and feminine and give me a certain dignity, as if I were attending a state funeral or something. Someday I may get up enough courage to wear it, instead of carrying it. Votes: 13

Never order food in excess of your body weight. Votes: 11

I was terrible at straight items. When I wrote obituaries, my mother said the only thing I ever got them to do was die in alphabetical order. Votes: 10

A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend - and he's a priest. Votes: 9

All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them. Votes: 9

Children make your life important. Votes: 9

A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat. Votes: 7

Car designers are just going to have to come up with an automobile that outlasts the payments. Votes: 6

What's with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked directions somewhere? Votes: 5

For some of us, watching a miniseries that lasts longer than most marriages is not easy. Votes: 0

Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving. Votes: 0

Humorists can never start to take themselves seriously. It's literary suicide. Votes: 0

In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn't danced in television. Votes: 0

My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint. Votes: 0

My theory on housework is, if the item doesn't multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one else cares. Why should you? Votes: 0

It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else. Votes: 0

I was too old for a paper route, too young for Social Security and too tired for an affair. Votes: 0

There is one thing I have never taught my body how to do and that is to figure out at 6 A.M. what it wants to eat at 6 P.M. Votes: 0

Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club. You're not out of it until the computer says you're out of it. Votes: 0

House guests should be regarded as perishables: Leave them out too long and they go bad. Votes: 0

Sometimes I can't figure designers out. It's as if they flunked human anatomy. Votes: 0

Before you try to keep up with the Joneses, be sure they're not trying to keep up with you. Votes: 0

One thing they never tell you about child raising is that for the rest of your life, at the drop of a hat, you are expected to know your child's name and how old he or she is. Votes: 0

When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he's doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911. Votes: 0

It is not until you become a mother that your judgment slowly turns to compassion and understanding. Votes: 0

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth. Votes: 0

There is nothing more miserable in the world than to arrive in paradise and look like your passport photo. Votes: 0

All of us have moments in out lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them. Votes: 0

It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows Votes: 0

It was a bitter moment for us. We weren't two mature parents. We were just two kids playing grown-up. We still needed Mommy and Daddy's permission, blessings, and money to survive. Votes: 0

Babies should enjoy the freedom to vocalize whether it be in church, a public meeting place, during a movie, or after hours when the lights are out. They have not yet learned that joy and laughter have to last a lifetime and must be conserved. Votes: 0

My mother won't admit it, but I've always been a disappointment to her. Deep down inside, she'll never forgive herself for giving birth to a daughter who refuses to launder aluminium foil and use it over again. Votes: 0

I do not participate in any sport with ambulances at the bottom of the hill. Votes: 0

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead. Votes: 0

I have never understood, for example, how come a child can climb up on the roof, scale the TV antenna, and rescue the cat ... yet cannot walk down the hallway without grabbing both walls with his grubby hands for balance. Votes: 0

The art of never making a mistake is crucial to motherhood. To be effective and to gain the respect she needs to function, a mother must have her children believe she has never engaged in sex, never made a bad decision, never caused her own mother a moment's anxiety, and was never a child. Votes: 0

Last year I gave seventy-four phone hours to soliciting baked goods for the Bake-A-Rama. I was named Top Call Girl by the League. Votes: 0

My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car. Votes: 0

When your mother asks, 'Do you want a piece of advice?' it is a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway. Votes: 0

I convinced him his luggage had gone to that big Bermuda Triangle in the sky. Votes: 0

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage. Votes: 0

You become about as exciting as your food blender. The kids come in, look you in the eye, and ask if anybody's home. Votes: 0

Sex in the nineties is boring. The problem is that it has gone from an active act to a spectator sport. We watch people make love on television and in films. We call 900 numbers to hear what someone would do to us if they weren't sitting in a boiler room of other dirty talkers reading from a prepared script. Votes: 0

The family. We are a strange little band of characters trudging through life sharing diseases and toothpaste, coveting one another's desserts, hiding shampoo, borrowing money, locking each other out of our rooms. . . and trying to figure out the common thread that bound us all together. Votes: 0

In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet. Votes: 0

Maybe you know why a child can reject a hot dog with mustard served on a soft bun at home, yet eat six of them two hours later at fifty cents each. Votes: 0

I've exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars. Votes: 0

Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone? Votes: 0

Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the 'Titanic' who waved off the dessert cart. Votes: 0

Cats invented self-esteem. Votes: 0

Spend at least one Mother's Day with your respective mothers before you decide on marriage. If a man gives his mother a gift certificate for a flu shot, dump him. Votes: 0

If I had my life to live over, instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy, I'd have cherished ever moment and realized that the wonderment growing inside me was the only chance in life to assist God in a miracle. Votes: 0

I love my mother for all the times she said absolutely nothing.... Thinking back on it all, it must have been the most difficult part of mothering she ever had to do: knowing the outcome, yet feeling she had no right to keep me from charting my own path. I thank her for all her virtues, but mostly for never once having said, "I told you so. Votes: 0

I take a very practical view of raising children. I put a sign in each of their rooms: 'Checkout Time is 18 years.' Votes: 0

All of a sudden, I feel very old and very tired. Maybe when I get to California, the smog, brush fires, floods, and earthquakes will cheer me up. Votes: 0

If Life is a Bowl of Cherries, What Am I Doing in the Pits? Votes: 0

Next to hot chicken soup, a tattoo of an anchor on your chest, and penicillin, I consider a honeymoon one of the most overrated events in the world. Votes: 0

Housework is a treadmill from futility to oblivion with stop-offs at tedium and counter productivity. Votes: 0

Cleanliness is not next to godliness. It isn't even in the same neighborhood. No one has ever gotten a religious experience out of removing burned-on cheese from the grill of the toaster oven. Votes: 0

Housework can kill you if done right. Votes: 0

Myths that need clarification: "No matter how many times you see the Grand canyon, you are still emotionally moved to tears." False. It depends on how many children the out-of-towners brought with them who kicked the back of your seat from Phoenix to Flagstaff and got their gum caught in your hair. Votes: 0

Myths that need clarification: "Everyone in California lives on a white, sandy beach." False. The only people who live on California beaches are vacationers from Arizona, Utah, and Nevada who own condos. Votes: 0

Cleaning the house while the children are home is like shoveling while it's still snowing. Votes: 0

It's the three pairs of eyes that mothers have to have...One pair that see through closed doors. Another in the back of her head...and, of course, the ones in front that can look at a child when he goofs up and reflect 'I understand and I love you' without so much as uttering a word. Votes: 0

The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with only a loaf of bread are three billion to one. Votes: 0

Don't confuse fame with success. Madonna is one; Helen Keller is the other. Votes: 0

Shopping is a woman thing. It's a contact sport like football. Women enjoy the scrimmage, the noisy crowds, the danger of being trampled to death, and the ecstasy of the purchase. Votes: 0

A fitting room to me has always been like a confessional ... where my body and my contrition take up the entire room. Votes: 0

I am not a glutton - I am an explorer of food Votes: 0

What does it profit a 78-year-old woman to sit around the pool in a bikini if she cannot feed herself? Votes: 0

I will buy any creme, cosmetic, or elixir from a woman with a European accent. Votes: 0

Somewhere it is written that parents who are critical of other people's children and publicly admit they can do better are asking for it. Votes: 0

I'm real ambivalent about [working mothers]. Those of use who have been in the women's movement for a long time know that we've talked a good game of "go out and fulfill your dreams" and "be everything you were meant to be." But by the same token, we want daughters-in-law who are going to stay home and raise our grandchildren. Votes: 0

It is ludicrous to read the microwave direction on the boxes of food you buy, as each one will have a disclaimer: THIS WILL VARY WITH YOUR MICROWAVE. Loosely translated, this means, You're on your own, Bernice. Votes: 0

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. Votes: 0

Dreams have only one owner at a time. That's why dreamers are lonely. Votes: 0

My idea of 'roughing it' is when you have to have an extension for your electric blanket. Votes: 0

When mothers talk about the depression of the empty nest, they're not mourning the passing of all those wet towels on the floor, or the music that numbs your teeth, or even the bottle of capless shampoo dribbling down the shower drain. They're upset because they've gone from supervisor of a child's life to a spectator. It's like being the vice president of the United States. Votes: 0

It is upsetting to many parents that their teen-agers introduce them to their friends as encyclopedia salesmen who are just passing through ... if they introduce them at all. I have some acquaintances who hover in dark parking lots, enter church separately and crouch in furnace rooms so their teen-agers will not be accused of having parents. Votes: 0

Most women put off entertaining until the kids are grown. Votes: 0

Family life got better and we got our car back - as soon as we put 'I love Mom' on the license plate. Votes: 0

I worry about scientists discovering that lettuce has been fattening all along. Votes: 0

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian. Votes: 0

I don't know when pepper mills in a restaurant got to be right behind frankincense and myrrh in prominence. It used to be in a little jar that sat next to the salt on the table and everyone passed it around, sneezed, and it was no big deal. Votes: 0

You have to love a nation that celebrates its independence every July 4, not with a parade of guns, tanks, and soldiers who file by the White House in a show of strength and muscle, but with family picnics where kids throw Frisbees, the potato salad gets iffy, and the flies die from happiness. You may think you have overeaten, but it is patriotism. Votes: 0

the ultimate in longevity is the Christmas fruitcake. It is a cake made during the holidays with fruits that make it heavier than the stove it is cooked in. Votes: 0

Friends are "annuals" that need seasonal nurturing to bear blossoms. Family is a "perennial" that comes up year after year, enduring the droughts of absence and neglect. There's a place in the garden for both of them. Votes: 0

No One Diets on Thanksgiving. Votes: 0

The mole rat is the only rodent born without a fur coat. With a good lawyer, someone would pay for that little oversight. Votes: 0

In Russia, as I sat there day after day wearing headphones, listening to the interpreter struggle to make our words relevant, I wondered if we could establish meaningful rapport with a nation that had never seen raisins dance in dark glasses on TV...never had a garage sale. Votes: 0

Let me put it this way. According to my girth, I should be a ninety-foot redwood. Votes: 0

Some say our national pastime is baseball. Not me. It's gossip. Votes: 0

As a child, my number one best friend was the librarian in my grade school. I actually believed all those books belonged to her. Votes: 0

A grandmother pretends she doesn't know who you are on Halloween. Votes: 0

The grass is always greener over the septic tank. Votes: 0

Mothers are not the nameless, faceless stereotypes who appear once a year on a greeting card with their virtues set to prose, but women who have been dealt a hand for life and play each card one at a time the best way they know how. No mother is all good or all bad, all laughing or all serious, all loving or all angry. Ambivalence rushes through their veins. Votes: 0

After age twelve, birthdays should be as private as hernia surgery. Votes: 0

Phrases and their actual meanings: My teacher has never liked me. Expect a phone call before lunch from the teacher informing you that your child has been launching hot dogs by compressing them inside a small Thermos and then removing the lid quickly. Votes: 0

My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance. Votes: 0

Housework, if you do it right, will kill you. Votes: 0

Occasionally, once a speaker is on his feet, it is difficult to get him to sit down. ... If and when he returns to earth, he notices half of the room is paging the other half and a few are playing with the melted candles. Votes: 0

The more I think about it, the more there is to be said for the sloth. He sleeps fifteen to eighteen hours a day and is known to have taken forty-eight days to travel four miles. He hangs in the trees after he's dead. But he lives longer than the cheetah. Votes: 0

No self-respecting mother would run out of intimidations on the eve of a major holiday. Votes: 0

The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again. Votes: 0

Have you any idea how many children it takes to turn off one light in the kitchen Three. It takes one to say What light and two more to say I didn't turn it on. Votes: 0

Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead. Votes: 0

Kids have little computer bodies with disks that store information. They remember who had to do the dishes the last time you had spaghetti, who lost the knob off the TV set six years ago, who got punished for teasing the dog when he wasn't teasing the dog and who had to wear girls boots the last time it snowed. Votes: 0

We wondered why when a child laughed, he belonged to Daddy, and when he had a sagging diaper that smelled like a landfill, 'He wants his mother.' Votes: 0

If you can't make it better, you can laugh at it. Votes: 0

Limousines used to be reserved for the ruling class, or, on special occasions, for the working class. Today, limousines are like taxicabs with the door handles still intact. Votes: 0

Kids are without a doubt the most suspicious diners in the world. They will eat mud (raw or baked) rocks, paste, crayons, ball-point pens, moving goldfish, cigarette butts, and cat food. Try to coax a little beef stew into their mouths and they look at you like a puppy when you stand over him with the Sunday paper rolled up. Votes: 0

Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother. Votes: 0

. . . but mostly, given another shot at life, I would seize every minute - look at it and really see it - live it - and never give it back. Votes: 0

I don't know why no one ever thought to paste a label on the toilet-tissue spindle giving 1-2-3 directions for replacing the tissue on it. Then everyone in the house would know what Mama knows. Votes: 0

Making coffee has become the great compromise of the decade. It's the only thing "real" men do that doesn't seem to threaten their masculinity. To women, it's on the same domestic entry level as putting the spring back into the toilet-tissue holder or taking a chicken out of the freezer to thaw. Votes: 0

When they told me I needed a mastectomy, I thought of the thousands of luncheons and dinners I had attended where they slapped a name tag on my left bosom. I always smiled and said, 'Now, what shall we name the other one?' That would no longer be a problem. Votes: 0

There's something wrong with a mother who washes out a measuring cup with soap and water after she's only measured water in it. Votes: 0

Having a delivery covered by Medicare just isn't going to fly. It's too risky for a woman to put a baby down and not remember where she left it. Votes: 0

Families aren't easy to join. They're like an exclusive country club where membership makes impossible demands and the dues for an outsider are exorbitant. Votes: 0

The age of your children is a key factor in how quickly you are served in a restaurant. We once had a waiter in Canada who said, "Could I get you your check?" and we answered, "How about the menu first?" Votes: 0

When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out. Votes: 0

I lost everything in the post-natal depression. Votes: 0

People are always asking couples whose marriage has endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success. Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving woman. Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman. Votes: 0

What we're really talking about is a wonderful day set aside on the fourth Thursday of November when no one diets. I mean, why else would they call it Thanksgiving? Votes: 0

If God had meant us to walk around naked, he would never have invented the wicker chair. Votes: 0

A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat. A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday. A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend -- and he's a priest. Votes: 0

Onion rings in the car cushions do not improve with time. Votes: 0

Humor is a spontaneous, wonderful bit of an outburst that just comes. It's unbridled, its unplanned, it's full of suprises. Votes: 0

I was a closet pacifier advocate. So were most of my friends. Unknown to our mothers, we owned thirty or forty of those little suckers that were placed strategically around the house so a cry could be silenced in less than thirty seconds. Even though bottles were boiled, rooms disinfected, and germs fought one on one, no one seemed to care where the pacifier had been. Votes: 0

I just clipped 2 articles from a current magazine. One is a diet guaranteed to drop 5 pounds off my body in a weekend. The other is a recipe for a 6 minute pecan pie. Votes: 0

Poached eggs are good, poached animals are not. Votes: 0

The woman who says, 'My kids are all speaking to one another and they love us' is a psychopathic liar. Votes: 0

Every puppy should have a boy. Votes: 0

With boys you always know where you stand. Right in the path of a hurricane. It's all there. The fruit flies hovering over their waste can, the hamster trying to escape to cleaner air, the bedrooms decorated in Early Bus Station Restroom. Votes: 0

Not everyone is comfortable with the kissing ritual. My husband is one of them. Her refuses to press lips with anyone except his wife, mother, and dog. If someone wanted to give him mouth-to-mouth resuscitation, he would refuse until he had been formally introduced. Votes: 0

My sister and I never engaged in sibling rivalry. Our parents weren't that crazy about either one of us. Votes: 0

I have always felt cookbooks were fiction and the most beautiful words in the English language were 'room service. Votes: 0

With girls, everything looks great on the surface. But beware of drawers that won't open. They contain a three-month supply of dirty underwear, unwashed hose, and rubber bands with blobs of hair in them. Votes: 0

I have a hat. It is graceful and feminine and give me a certain dignity, as if I were attending a state funeral or something. Someday I may get up enough courage to wear it, instead of carrying it Votes: 0

I was terrible at straight items. When I wrote obituaries, my mother said the only thing I ever got them to do was die in alphabetical order Votes: 0

Anybody who watches three games of football in a row should be declared brain dead Votes: 0

Graduation day is tough for adults. They go to the ceremony as parents. They come home as contemporaries. After twenty-two years of child-raising, they are unemployed Votes: 0

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me. Votes: 0

Just think of all those women on the Titanic who said, 'No thank you' to desert that night. And for what?! Votes: 0

When humor goes, there goes civilization. Votes: 0

How come anything you buy will go on sale next week? Votes: 0

When it comes to cooking, five years ago I felt guilty "just adding water." Now I want to bang the tube against the countertop and have a five-course meal pop out. If it comes with plastic silverware and a plate that self-destructs, all the better. Votes: 0

A grandparent will help you with your buttons, your zippers, and your shoelaces and not be in any hurry for you to grow up. Votes: 0

No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed. Votes: 0

Given another shot at life, I would seize every minute...look at it and really see it... live it...and never give it back. Stop sweating the small stuff. Don't worry about who doesn't like you, who has more, or who's doing what. Instead, let's cherish the relationships we have with those who do love us. Votes: 0

I'm so bored. I went to the food locker yesterday to visit my meat. Votes: 0

It seemed rather incongruous that in a society of super sophisticated communication, we often suffer from a shortage of listeners. Votes: 0

Everyone is guilty at one time or another of throwing out questions that beg to be ignored, but mothers seem to have a market on the supply. "Do you want a spanking or do you want to go to bed?" Don't you want to save some of the pizza for your brother?" Wasn't there any change? Votes: 0

I have seen my kid struggle into the kitchen in the morning with outfits that need only one accessory: an empty gin bottle. Votes: 0

Those magazine dieting stories always have the testimonial of a woman who wore a dress that could slipcover New Jersey in one photo and thirty days later looked like a well-dressed thermometer. Votes: 0

I didn't fear old age. I was just becoming increasingly aware of the fact that the only people who said old age was beautiful were usually twenty-three years old. Votes: 0

She's as funny as a toothache Votes: 0

When the going gets tough, the tough make cookies. Votes: 0

There was a time when the respect and trust my children had for me would have made you sick to your stomach. They believed I could blow on a red traffic light and turn it green. Votes: 0

One son appears in stereo - a transistor in one ear and the phone in the other.. Votes: 0

Any mother with half a skull knows that when Daddy's little boy becomes Mommy's little boy, the kid is so wet he's treading water. Votes: 0

Kids need love the most when they're acting most unlovable. Votes: 0

Volunteers are the only human beings on the face of the earth who reflect this nation's compassion, unselfish caring, patience, and just plain love for one another. Votes: 0

God created man, but I could do better. Votes: 0

Never have more children than you have car windows. Votes: 0

I read one psychologist's theory that said, "Never strike a child in your anger." When could I strike him? When he is kissing me on my birthday? When he's recuperating from measles? Do I slap the Bible out of his hand on Sunday? Votes: 0

He who laughs.....lasts. Votes: 0

If I had my life to live over again, I would have waxed less and listened more. ... I would have cried and laughed less while watching television ... and more while watching real life. ... But mostly, given another shot at life, I would seize every minute of it ... look at it and really see it ... try it on ... live it ... exhaust it ... and never give the minute back until there was nothing left of it. Votes: 0

Good kids are like sunsets. We take them for granted. Votes: 0

There are people who put their dreams in a little box and say, 'Yes, I've got dreams, of course I've got dreams.' Then they put the box away and bring it out once in awhile to look in it, and yep, they're still there. These are great dreams, but they never even get out of the box. It takes an uncommon amount of guts to put your dreams on the line, to hold them up and say, 'How good or how bad am I?' That's where courage comes in. Votes: 0

He opened the jar of pickles when no one else could. He was the only one in the house who wasn't afraid to go into the basement by himself. He cut himself shaving, but no one kissed it or got excited about it. It was understood when it rained, he got the car and brought it around to the door. When anyone was sick, he went out to get the prescription filled. He took lots of pictures... but he was never in them. Votes: 0

A grandparent is the only baby-sitter who doesn't charge more after midnight - or anything before midnight. Votes: 0

When humor go's, there go's civilization. Votes: 0

Written on her tombstone: "I told you I was sick. Votes: 0

It would have been a wonderful wedding - had it not been mine. Votes: 0

Giving birth is little more than a set of muscular contractions granting passage of a child. Then the mother is born. Votes: 0

...I remember thinking how often we look, but never see...we listen, but never hear...we exist, but never feel. We take our relationships for granted. A house is only a place. It has no life of its own. It needs human voices, activity and laughter to come alive. Votes: 0

There is nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child. ... Time, self-pity, apathy, bitterness, and exhaustion can take the Christmas out of the child, but you cannot take the child out of Christmas. Votes: 0

When you leave them in the morning, they stick their nose in the door crack and stand there like a portrait until you turn the key eight hours later. Votes: 0

I got to thinking one day about all those women on the Titanic who passed up dessert at dinner that fateful night ... Votes: 0

When you look like your passport photo, it's time to go home. Votes: 0

A child needs your love most when he deserves it least Votes: 0

It's frightening to wake up one morning and discover that while you were asleep you went out of style. Votes: 0

Some emotions don't make a lot of noise. It's hard to hear pride. Caring is real faint - like a heartbeat. And pure love - why, some days it's so quiet, you don't even know it's there.... Votes: 0

Laughter rises out of tragedy when you need it the most, and rewards you for your courage. Votes: 0

It takes an uncommon amount of guts to put your dreams on the line. Votes: 0

Everyone I talked to was a recording-the bank, the elevator, your office, the school, a wrong number. You used to be able to call a wrong number and get a person. Votes: 0

One certainty when you travel is the moment you arrive in a foreign country, the American dollar will fall like a stone. Votes: 0

We've got a generation now who were born with semiequality. They don't know how it was before, so they think, this isn't too bad. We're working. We have our attache' cases and our three piece suits. I get very disgusted with the younger generation of women. We had a torch to pass, and they are just sitting there. They don't realize it can be taken away. Things are going to have to get worse before they join in fighting the battle. Votes: 0

Never accept a drink from a urologist. Votes: 0

Laugh now, cry later. Votes: 0

Once you see the drivers in Indonesia you understand why religion plays such a part in their lives. Votes: 0

Pregnancy is the only time in a woman's life she can help God work a miracle. Votes: 0

The term 'working mother' is redundant. Votes: 0

Know the difference between success and fame. Success is Mother Teresa. Fame is Madonna. Votes: 0

Early in my life I had made a pact with myself. I would never eat anything that moved when I cooked it, excited the dog, or inflated upon impact with my teeth. Votes: 0

Hello there. I'm out social climbing, but if you leave your name and number and if you're anybody, I'll get back to you. Votes: 0

It is difficult to single out one sport over another, but if I have to name one in my separation suit, it will undoubtedly be football. Votes: 0

[On her father's death:] I didn't know his leaving would hurt so much. Votes: 0

For years, my husband and I have advocated separate vacations. But the kids keep finding us. Votes: 0

Time. It hangs heavy for the bored, eludes the busy, flies by the for young, and runs out for the aged. Votes: 0

A small waist makes you tire easily. Votes: 0

The bad times I can handle. It's the good times that drive me crazy. When is the other shoe going going to drop? Votes: 0

I don't think women outlive men, Doctor. It only seems longer. Votes: 0

Some say the antique syndrome surfaced to offset the newness of the land, the homes, and the settlers. Some say the interest was initiated by a desire to return to the roots of yesterday. I contend the entire movement to acquire antiques was born out of sheer respect of things that lasted longer than fifteen minutes. Votes: 0

There is only one thing harder in this world than forgiving. It's to ask forgiveness armed only with, 'I'm sorry'. Votes: 0

Most children's first words are 'Mama' or 'Daddy.' Mine were, 'Do I have to use my own money?' Votes: 0

Let us hope manufacturers can come up with a diaper that is environmentally sound. To go back to cloth would send us back to the day when breathing and raising a baby at the same time were incompatible. Votes: 0

Someday, when my children are old enough to understand the logic that motivates a mother, I'll tell them: I loved you enough to bug you about where you were going, with whom and what time you would get home. ... I loved you enough to be silent and let you discover your friend was a creep. I loved you enough to make you return a Milky Way with a bite out of it to a drugstore and confess, 'I stole this.' ... But most of all I loved you enough to say no when you hated me for it. That was the hardest part of all. Votes: 0

Never be in a hurry to terminate a marriage. Remember, you may need this man/woman to finish a sentence. Votes: 0

I was leafing through a magazine where there was a before-and-after picture of a woman who went from a size 5 to a size 3 by liposuction. Was she serious? I've cooked bigger turkeys than her "before" picture. Votes: 0

Explain to me how he [her son] can ride a bicycle, run, play ball, set up a camp, swing, fight a war, swim and race for eight hours ... and has to be driven to the garbage can. Votes: 0

I became hysterical and frightened and begged for sedation. And that was just the first prenatal visit. Votes: 0

I've never vied for power in the family before. Pointing a box at the garage door and saying "Open!" was never a big deal, but holding that television tuner and realizing I alone control what is flashed on the screen brings out the Iacocca in me. Votes: 0

I will never understand children. I never pretended to. I meet mothers all the time who make resolutions to themselves. 'I'm going to ... go out of my way to show them I am interested in them and what they do. I am going to understand my children.' These women end up making rag rugs, using blunt scissors. Votes: 0

I firmly believe kids don't want your understanding. They want your trust, your compassion, your blinding love and your car keys, but you try to understand them and you're in big trouble. Votes: 0

Grandmas can shed the yoke of responsibility, relax and enjoy their grandchildren in a way that was not possible when they were raising their own children. And they can glow in the realisation that here is their seed of life that will harvest generations to come. Votes: 0

There is so much to teach, and the time goes so fast. Votes: 0

Many people are intimidated by doctors. ... People also feel stupid when they don't understand what a doctor's talking about the first time around, so they don't ask again. And let's be honest here, people. English is not a doctor's first language. Votes: 0

not all bears have their own television series. Some of them are unemployed wild animals. Votes: 0

A kitchen without an ironing board? Are you kidding? It's un-American. It's like Simon without Garfunkel. Votes: 0

I think it's time we women stopped carrying supplies for the entire family. If children don't have room to carry their own toys, if men don't have pockets in their pants, tougho. Votes: 0

You always hear about fashion's success stories. How a starlet lost an earring one night and by the next morning, the entire country was wearing one earring. Or how sweaters made a comeback in a drugstore, or a First Lady influenced how we dressed during her reign. But what about the losers? The fashions that came and went out the same day? The hopes and dreams of designers that were shattered by the sound of fifty million women ... laughing themselves to death. Votes: 0

In the South Pacific, because of their size, mosquitoes are required to file flight plans. Votes: 0

The fact was I didn't want to look my age, but I didn't want to act the age I wanted to look either. I also wanted to grow old enough to understand that sentence. Votes: 0

Adults are always telling young people, 'These are the best years of your life.' Are they? I don't know. Sometimes when adults say this to children I look into their faces. They look like someone on the top seat of the Ferris wheel who has had too much cotton candy and barbecue. They'd like to get off and be sick but everyone keeps telling them what a good time they're having. Votes: 0

Our teen-agers withdrew to their bedrooms on their thirteenth birthday and didn't show themselves to us again until it was time to get married. Votes: 0

When you're lecturing teenagers and they begin to hum and leave the room, you can sense there is hostility. Votes: 0

When children reach the age of sixteen, they discover the meaning of life: car keys. Votes: 0

My mother phones daily to ask, "Did you just try to reach me?" When I reply no, she adds, "So, if you're not too busy, call me while I'm still alive," . . . and hangs up. Votes: 0

To say, "Well, I write when I really get into it" is a bunch of bull. Put the paper in the typewriter, stare at it a long time, get snowblindness if you have to, but write something. Votes: 0

With all the precautions and risks that accompany sex today, it sounds about as much fun as walking through a minefield. Votes: 0

Never underestimate what it takes to watch someone you love in pain. Votes: 0

Good kids are like sunsets. We take them for granted. Every evening they disappear. Most parents never imagine how hard they try to please us, and how miserable they feel when they think they have failed. Votes: 0

My mind works . . . two boobs never get me a job. Votes: 0

It's [motherhood] the biggest on-the-job- training program in existence today. Votes: 0

Motherhood is the second oldest profession in the world. It never questions age, height, religious preference, health, political affiliation, citizenship, morality, ethnic background, marital status, economic level, convenience, or previous experience. Votes: 0

I have always felt that too much time was given before the birth, which is spent learning things like how to breathe in and out with your husband (I had my baby when they gave you a shot in the hip and you didn't wake up until the kid was ready to start school), and not enough time given to how to mother after the baby is born. Votes: 0

Babies on television never spit up on the Ultrasuede. Votes: 0

Why take pride in cooking, when they don't take pride in eating? Votes: 0

When you're an orthodox worrier, some days are worse than others. Votes: 0

The hippopotamus is a vegetarian and looks like a wall. Lions who eat only red meat are sleek and slim. Are nutritionists on the wrong track? Votes: 0

My son would walk to the refrigerator-freezer and fling both doors open and stand there until the hairs in his nose iced up. After surveying $200 worth of food in varying shapes and forms, he would declare loudly, 'There's nothing to eat!' Votes: 0

If the nest is truly empty, who owns all this junk? Votes: 0

Encourage independence in your children by regularly losing them in the supermarket. Votes: 0

Authorities say brain cells may shrink, but they don't necessarily die. Frankly, I am cheered by the fact that something is shrinking. I'd be even more thrilled if what was shrinking affected my dress size, but you can't have everything. Votes: 0

If I had my life to live over I would have burned the pink candle sculpted like a rose before it melted in storage. Votes: 0

I learned the importance of a man's chair early in life. I learned that he may love several wives, embrace several cars, be true to more than one political philosophy, and be equally committed to several careers, but he will have only one comfortable chair in his life. I learned it will be an ugly chair. It will match nothing in the entire house. It will never wear out. Votes: 0

I am always behind the shopper at the grocery store who has stitched her coupons in the lining of her coat and wants to talk about a 'strong' chicken she bought two weeks ago. The register tape also runs out just before her sub-total. In the public restroom, I always stand behind the teen-ager who is changing into her band uniform for a parade and doesn't emerge until she has combed the tassels on her boots, shaved her legs, and recovered her contact lens from the commode. Votes: 0

I have just come up with a wonderful solution to end all wars. Let me give directions on how to get there. Votes: 0

Most mothers entering the labor market outside the home are naive. They stagger home each evening, holding mail in their teeth, the cleaning over their arm, a lamb chop defrosting under each armpit, balancing two gallons of frozen milk between their knees, and expect one of the kids to get the door. Votes: 0

There are few things in this world more satisfying than having your son teach you how to play tennis, unless it is having a semi-truck run over your foot. Votes: 0

For some unexplained reason, it's always the other end of the table that's wild and raucous, with screaming laughter and a fella who plays 'Holiday for Strings' on water glasses. Votes: 0

I'm on a diet as my skin doesn't fit me anymore. Votes: 0

I hated skiing or any other sport where there was an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill. Votes: 0

When the history of guilt is written, parents who refuse their children money will be right up there in the Top Ten. Votes: 0

Parenting is a negative thing. Keep your children from killing themselves, or anyone else, and hope for the best. Votes: 0

No baby shall at any time be quartered in a house where there are no soft laps, no laughter, or no love. Votes: 0

Do I have to use my own money? Votes: 0

Grandma told me Mama was once caught by the Principal for writing in the front of her book, "In Case of Fire, Throw This in First." I have never had so much respect for Mama as the day I heard this. Votes: 0

I never go to a college reunion that I don't come away feeling sorry for all those paunchy, balding jocks trying to hang onto youth. I feel sorry for the men, too. Votes: 0

Cats invented self-esteem; there is not an insecure bone in their body. Votes: 0

For the first two years of a child's life, we spend every waking hour tryibg to get the child to communicate. Then we spend the rest of our lives trying to figure out how we can reverse the process. Votes: 0

I've always been intrigued with the variety of answers this generation will give their children who ask, "Where did I come from, Mommy?" They will range from "Number 176 vial in Buffalo, New York," to "You were defrosted." Votes: 0

My son did not show signs of a money deficiency until he opened his small fist in the nursery and found it was empty. Votes: 0

I got so much food spit back in my face when my kids were small, I put windshield wipers on my glasses. Votes: 0

If I raised my hand to wipe the hair out of my children's eyes, they'd flinch and call their attorney. Votes: 0

The Rose Bowl is the only bowl I've ever seen that I didn't have to clean. Votes: 0

I've decided life is too fragile to finish a book I dislike just because it cost $16.95 and everyone else loved it. Or eat a fried egg with a broken yolk (which I hate) when the dog would leap over the St. Louis Arch for it. Votes: 0

I originate from a family where sauce is viewed as a refreshment. Votes: 0

Adults can take a simple holiday for Children and screw it up. What began as a presentation of simple gifts to delight and surprise children around the Christmas tree has culminated in a woman unwrapping six shrimp forks from her dog, who drew her name. Votes: 0

I used everything you gave me. Votes: 0

... it's simply wrong to always order [kids] to stop that fighting. There are times when one child is simply defending his rights and damned well should be fighting. Votes: 0

If anyone knew where they were, I'd send the ISDBB (Incredibly Stupid and Dumb Beyond Belief) award to the two guys who tried to break in to the Ohio penitentiary. Votes: 0

What makes people laugh? . . . It's a happy marriage between a person who needs to laugh and someone who's got one to give. Votes: 0

You hear a lot of dialogue on the death of the American family. Families aren't dying. They're merging into big conglomerates. Votes: 0

There would have been more 'I love you's' and more, 'I'm sorry's'. Votes: 0

As a graduate of the Zsa Zsa Gabor School of Creative mathematics, I honestly do not know how old I am. Votes: 0

Throughout the years I have set up my own rules about eating food: Never eat anything you can't pronounce. Beware of food that is described as, "Some Americans say it tastes like chicken. Votes: 0

You show me a boy who brings a snake home to his mother and I'll show you an orphan. Votes: 0

One meal a day is enough for a lion and would be for all of us if all we did all day was swat flies. Votes: 0

A grandparent will accept your calls from anywhere, collect. Votes: 0

I have paid as much as $300 a night to throw up into a sink shaped like a seashell. Votes: 0

Grandparenthood is one of life's rewards for surviving your own children. Votes: 0

Maybe age is kinder to us than we think. With my bad eyes, I can't see how bad I look, and with my rotten memory, I have a good excuse for getting out of a lot of stuff. Votes: 0

I've always felt there are two things a woman should never do after the age of thirty-five: stand in natural light and have a baby... Votes: 0

Remember, you can lead a fifty-seven-year-old body to motherhood, but you can't make it stay awake. Votes: 0

Bombeck's Rug Rule: an ugly carpet will last for ever. Votes: 0

To my way of thinking, the American family started to decline when parents began to communicate with their children. Votes: 0

I'm going to stop punishing my children by saying, "Never mind! I'll do it myself. Votes: 0

It is fast approaching the point where I don't want tAdenauer to want the job. Votes: 0

A child develops individuality long before he develops taste. Votes: 0

My type of humor is almost pure identification. A housewife reads my column and says, 'But that's happened to ME! I know just what she's talking about! Votes: 0

Crocodiles have a smile I've seen on the face of every lawyer I've ever met. Votes: 0

A member of the committee slapped a name tag over my left bosom. "What shall we name the other one?" I smiled. She was not amused. Votes: 0

People usually survive their illnesses, but the paper work eventually does them in. Filing a claim for insurance is terminal. Votes: 0

We even switched to a newly-formed church across the town that gave one hundred and twenty trading stamps each time we attended. (We now worship a brown and white chicken with a sunburst on its chest.) Votes: 0

The fact that Americans drag around the world by the busloads to glimpse the past probably has something to do with the youth of our country. We revere anything older than George Burns. Votes: 0

Some of the best fiction writers got their start writing airline menus. Votes: 0

Cleanliness is not next to godliness. It isn't even in the same neighborhood. Votes: 0

I have finally mastered what to do with the second tennis ball. Having small hands, I was becoming terribly self-conscious about keeping it in a can in the car while I served the first one. I noted some women tucked the second ball just inside the elastic leg of their tennis panties. I tried, but found the space already occupied by a leg. Now, I simply drop the second ball down my cleavage, giving me a chest that often stuns my opponent throughout an entire set. Votes: 0

I have a friend who lives by a three-word philosophy: Seize the Moment. Just possibly, she may be the wisest woman on this planet. Votes: 0

If compliments were food, I'd have starved to death 28 years ago. Votes: 0

I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet was stained, or the sofa faded. Votes: 0

Success is outliving your failures Votes: 0

With boys, you always know where you stand. Right in the path of a hurricane. Votes: 0

I see children as kites. You spend a lifetime trying to get them off the ground. You run with them until you're both breathless. They crash . . . you add a longer tail . . . you patch and comfort, adjust and teach. You watch them lifted by the wind and assure them that someday they'll fly. Votes: 0

I was trampled to death by a man who believed his luggage would be the first piece off. If he were an experienced traveler, he would know that the first piece of luggage belongs to no one. It's just a dummy suitcase to give everyone hope. Votes: 0

Men who have a thirty-six-tele vised-football- games-a- week-habit should be declared legally dead and their estates probated. Votes: 0

Mother's words of wisdom: Answer me! Don't talk with food in your mouth! Votes: 0

It is my theory you can't get rid of fat. All you can do is move it around, like furniture. Votes: 0

Motherhood isn't just a series of contractions; it's a state of mind. From the moment we know life is inside us, we feel a responsibility to protect and defend that human being. Votes: 0

Women are never what they seem to be. There is the woman you see and there is the woman who is hidden. Buy the gift for the woman who is hidden. Votes: 0

Before we sent kids to computer camps and told them they were having a good time, there was imagination among the human species. Votes: 0

Phone are wonderful instruments, but I wouldn't want our daughter to marry one. Votes: 0

One never realizes how different a husband and wife can be until they begin to pack for a trip. Votes: 0

Enter my first neighbor - a woman who spoke in complete, coherent sentences, who ate with a knife and fork and who only cried at weddings. I couldn't help myself. In a dramatic gesture, I bolted the door and threw my body across it to prevent her exit. She understood. Votes: 0

Housework, if it is done properly, can cause brain damage. Votes: 0

Don't worry about who doesn't like you, who has more, or who's doing what. Votes: 0