Top quotes by Janet Evanovich

Romance novels are birthday cake and life is often peanut butter and jelly. I think everyone should have lots of delicious romance novels lying around for those times when the peanut butter of life gets stuck to the roof of your mouth. Votes: 18

You can get through very serious and sometimes horrible and sometimes embarrassing and very awkward situations with humor. It gives us a way out. Votes: 16

Ranger declined the butterscotch pudding, not wanting to disrupt the consistency of his blood sugar level. I had two puddings and coffee, choosing to keep my pancreas at peak performance. Use it or lose it is my philosophy. Votes: 15

I met a real looker. He picked me up at the two dollar slot machines, so you know he's no cheapskate." Grandma Mazur Votes: 14

Arson is a respected profession among certain subcultures in Jersey, and the good ones don't get caught. The good ones channel lightning and mysterious acts of spontaneous combustion. Votes: 12

You're not looking for a partner," Ranger said. "You're looking for an enforcer. You hate to run. You must be worried about getting into that black dress. What did you eat just now? Piece of cake? Candy bar?" "Everything," I said. "I just ate everything. Votes: 12

From the look on your face, I'd say you know him." I nodded. "Sold him a cannoli when I was in high school." Connie grunted. "Honey, half of all the women in New Jersey have sold him their cannoli Votes: 12

Kiss those cuffs good-bye." Lula from "Hard Eight" By Janet Evonavich Votes: 9

I take in a lot of stuff from real life, movies, television, news and it all gets mixed in my head and somehow turns into a story idea. Votes: 8

The 'Barnaby' books were always intended to be graphic novels. Votes: 8

It was a weird sensation. Like getting caught eavesdropping, or lying, or sitting on the toilet and having the bathroom walls suddenly drop away. Votes: 8

Honey, a man can't keep his gun in a cookie jar. It just isn't done. Votes: 8

I don't mean to change the subject or anything, but have you tried concealer on that zit?" Cynthia Lotte - Hot Six Votes: 8

My father hired you to protect me," Ahmed said, "not to go off chasing men." Grandma leaned forward, keeping her eye on the Taurus. "We think this guy killed Fred." "Who's Fred?" "My uncle," I told him. "He's married to Mabel." "Ah so you're avenging a murder in the family. This is a good thing. Votes: 7

I wasn't always a writer. When I went to college and majored in fine arts, I was a painter. Then I was a stay-at-home mom. Votes: 6

Happens to me all the time...People are always underestimating my dumbness. Votes: 6

My Spanish is limited to burrito and taco, Votes: 6

I knew there were no such things as death cooties. Unfortunately, that's an intellectual fact. And death cooties are an emotional reality. Votes: 6

Since I can barely write two books a year the best solution seems to be co-author projects. My goal isn't to get another writer to clone me... it's more to produce a book that shares my vision of positive, fun entertainment. Votes: 5

I go to bars and restaurants, and I sit and I eavesdrop on people and I watch people in shopping centers and, you know, I read the newspapers and I talk to the Trenton cops, and I just get a lot of information that comes in that somehow turns into a book. Votes: 5

I think that some books are more successful than others to certain readers. People who read my books for the humor, they're going to love one book. People who read my books for the mystery, they might not like that book quite as much. Votes: 4

I got out of the elevator and confronted Mr. WexlerKilling is wrong." "We kill chickens," Mr. Wexler saidWe kill cows. We kill trees. So big deal, we kill some drug dealers." It was hard to argue with that kind of logic because I like cows and chickens and trees much better than drug dealers." Votes: 4

Excuse me?" I said, palms down on the Formica tabletopCoffee? I thought we came here for pie." "I don't eat the kind of pie they serve here." I felt a flash of heat go through my stomach. I knew firsthand the kind of pie Ranger liked." Votes: 4

Gotta protect the little dudes. I tried an AK-47, but it wouldn't fit under my seat. I like the Uzi better, anyway. It looks better with the dress. The AK seems too casual to me Votes: 4

He reached out, opened the glove compartment, and took out a gun. It was a Smith & Wesson .38 five-shot special. It looked a lot like my gun. "I stopped by your apartment this morning and picked this up for you," Ranger said. "I found it in the cookie jar." "Tough guys always keep their gun in the cookie jar." "Name one." "Rockford." Ranger grinned. "I stand corrected. Votes: 4

We don't appreciate the value of humor sometimes. Votes: 3

THE NOTE said the first clue was "in the big one." I looked at the jumble of letters that followed, and I saw no pattern. Not such a surprise, since I was missing the puzzle chromosome and couldn't do puzzles designed for nine-year-olds. Votes: 3

Pete- What does a woman want out of marriage? Louisa- Undying devotion and a warm place to put her cold feet when she gets into bed at night. Votes: 3

I like being able to provide consistent and frequent literary choices for my fans. Votes: 2

So elves could be walking around in our midst, disguised as normal, everyday, vertically challenged citizens. Votes: 1

My mother had been slicing up the chicken. She took a drumstick and dropped it on the floor. She kicked it around a little, picked it up and put it on the edge of the plate. "There," she said, "we'll give him this drumstick." "Deal. Votes: 0

And the closest I've come to an out-of-body experience was when Joe Morelli took his mouth to me fourteen years ago, behind the eclair case. Votes: 0

Thats what her cars do," Lula said. "They explode. But I gotta tell you this was the best. This here's the first time she exploded a garbage truck. One time her truck got hit with an antitank missile. That wasn't bad either, but it couldn't compare to this. Votes: 0

-You're gloating, Max. It's not flattering. Somebody needs to teach you a little humility.- -A good woman could do that.- -She'd have to be armed and dangerous.- Votes: 0

Ranger removed my goggles "Would you like to come home with me?" I stepped away from him. "Thank you for the offer, but no. I'm done with men." Ranger smiled. "Forever?" "Until I figure some things out." "And if you don't figure them out?" "If I can't figure them out on my own, I'll ask you to help me." "Babe, that's like the blind leading the blind. Votes: 0

In spite of all the sparring that went on between us, I sort of liked Morelli. Good judgment told me to stand clear of him, but then I've never been a slave to good judgment. Votes: 0

This is war,' I yelled through the door. Lucky for me,' Morelli said. 'I give good war. Votes: 0

I shot that sucker right in the gumpy." Grandma Mazur Votes: 0

I was watching television and I saw how you stick your fingers in a person's eyes to slow them down." Grandma Mazur Votes: 0

Grandma Mazur stood two feet back from my mother. "I gotta get me a pair if those," she said, eyeballing my shorts. "I've still got pretty good legs, you know." She raised her skirt and looked down at her knees. "What do you think? You think I'd look good in them biker things?" Grandma Mazur had knees like doorknobs. Votes: 0

[Stephanie Plum]Jeez. No True Love" [Grandma Mazur] There's always been true love, but in my day, you either talked yourself into thinking you had it, or you talked yourself into thinking you didn't need it. Votes: 0

When Grandma Mazur is talking about the reason for the improved play of her 91-year-old bowling teammate, she said: "She's doing better now that we got her the longer tubing to her oxygen tank. Votes: 0

Mooner was walking around laying his hands on the cars, divining karma. "this is it", he said, standing by a small khaki-colored jeep."this car has protective qualities" You mean like a guardian angel?" I mean, like, it has seatbelts Votes: 0

I'm done with men. I have a hamster. That's all I need. Votes: 0

I'm underrealized," Lula said. "I gotta lot of untapped potential. Yesterday my horoscope said I gotta expand my horizons." "You expand any more in that dress, and you'll get yourself arrested," Connie said. -- Twelve Sharp Votes: 0

I rented Ghostbusters, my all-time favorite inspirational movie. I picked up some microwave, popcorn, a KitKat, a bag of bite-sized Reese's peanut butter cups, and a box of instant hot chocolate with marshmallows. Do I know how to have a good time, or what? Votes: 0

As long as he has a house with two bathrooms. I swear to God, I don't care if he's Jack the Ripper. Votes: 0

I mostly eat peanut butter sandwiches. Peanut butter and banana, peanut butter and jelly, peanut butter and potato chips, peanut butter and olives, and peanut butter and marshmallow goo. So sue me, I like peanut butter. Votes: 0

Morelli smiled. "It could have been Jenny Ragucci. That makes much more sense. I had good luck with sluts." I looked over at him. All in the past," Morelli said. "I'm a cupcake man now." Whoa, dude," Mooner said. "That's so, like, cosmic. Votes: 0

Only men you can count on these days are Ben and Jerry. Votes: 0

We don't usually write up accidents involving rabbits. - Joe Morelli Votes: 0

It's not the pizza, darlin', its my masculine presence." Joe Morelli Votes: 0

Does your mother know that you're carrying a gun? I'm going to tell her. I'm going to call and tell her right now." Joe Morelli's mom Votes: 0

You're going to find this hard to believe, but cops aren't required to carry emergency condoms." Joe Morelli Votes: 0

I have bad car juju." -Stephanie Plum Votes: 0

We were discussing a grisly double murder and Rodriguez was telling us all this in the same sort of conversational tone a person might use to pass on a favorite lasagna recipe. And I was responding with the same enthusiasm a new cook might show. I was simultaneously horrified and impressed with myself. Votes: 0

Some people learn from books, some listen to the advice of others, some learn from mistakes. I fit into the last category. So sue me. Votes: 0

He's going to jail. He can't see. He can't hear. He can't take a leak that lasts under fifteen minutes. But he has an erection and all the other problems are small change. Next time around I'm coming back as a man. Priorities are clearly defined. Life is simple. Votes: 0

You gonna take the case?" It's not a case. It's a missing person. Sort of." You're gonna have a devil of a time finding him if it was aliens," Grandma said. Votes: 0

When I was six years old I sprinkled sugar on my head, convinced myself it was pixie dust, wished myself invisible, and walked into the boys' bathroom at school. Votes: 0

I ran three miles, staggered into the lobby, and took the elevator back to my apartment. No point to overdoing this exercise junk. --Stephanie Plum Votes: 0

A woman's never too old to make an idiot of herself. It goes along with equality of the sexes and potty parity. Votes: 0

I may not be the most patient woman in the world, or the most glamorous, or the most athletic, but I'm right up there at the top of the line when it comes to resiliency. Votes: 0

Connie drove a silver Camry with rosary beads hanging from her rearview mirror and a Smith& Wesson stuck under the seat. No matter whatwent down, Connie was covered. Votes: 0

Shirley's gonna be pissed, Gazarra saidShe hates when I get shot. To my recollection, the only other time Gazarra was shot was when he was playing quick draw in the police station elevator and his gun accidentally discharged. The bullet ricocheted off the elevator wall and lodged in Gazarra's right buttock. Votes: 0

I stuck my tongue out at him because I was feeling exceptionall mature. Votes: 0

I'm a real voyeur. Votes: 0

It's not a nice thing to send a penis to a woman. It's disrespectful. Votes: 0

So you need an alarm system because you gonna be in bad neighborhoods?""Actually, I sort of stole a car, and I'm afraid the owner will try to get it back. Votes: 0

I struggled to learn basic skills, get a grip on markets, find my own unique voice, create story lines and come up to speed with the industry. I struggled for ten years before having any success. Votes: 0

They were actually sitting at a table, like two old friends, not like the hunterand the hunted. And it wasn't especially awkward. They were comfortable together,despite the fact that she'd hit him with a bus. Maybe his scheme would work. Votes: 0

Oh, for God's sake," I said. "Just give me the stupid thing." I took the panic button and stuck it into my Super Sexy Miracle Bra. "GPS," Ranger said to Morelli. "Probably I can find her breast without it," Morelli said. "But it's good to know there's a navigational system on board if I need it. Votes: 0

Personally, I'm a lazy kind of guy, and leaving the door open on the mystical saves me work. I don't have to stress my brain trying to explain the unexplainable. It's magic. End of discussion. Votes: 0

Last time you called me late at night you were naked and chained to your shower curtain rod. I hope this isn't going to be disappointing. Votes: 0

Omigod,' I said on a sudden flash of sleep-deprived insight. 'You're the big bad wolf.' There are some similarities. Votes: 0

Everyone knows that if you buy chocolate with spare change, then the calories don't count. Votes: 0

If God had wanted me to lose weight he would have made sure there was creamed spinach for dessert. Votes: 0

I wasnt always a writer. When I went to college and majored in fine arts, I was a painter. Then I was a stay-at-home mom. Votes: 0

It wasn't exactly that Lula was fat. It was more that she was too short for her weight." - Stephanie Plum Votes: 0

You deserved to get run over. And besides, I barely tapped you. The only reason you broke your leg was because you panicked and tripped over your own feet. Votes: 0

I almost never shoot people. Votes: 0

Thinking very often resembles napping, but the intent is different. --Stephanie Plum Votes: 0

Men!" I said. "You all a bunch of chauvinist morons" Stephanie Plum - Ten Big Ones Votes: 0

Stephanie Plum,"I almost never shoot anyone. Votes: 0

Oh good. I love being bait for a homicidal mutilator." Stephanie Plum Votes: 0

These are desparate times." - Stephanie Plum Votes: 0

My professional aspirations were simple - I wanted to be an intergalactic princess. Votes: 0

Lula had Eminem cranked up. He was rapping about trailer park girls and how they go round the outside, and I was wondering what the heck that meant. I'm a white girl from Trenton. I don't know these things. I need a rap cheat sheet. Votes: 0

He rooted for the Mets, he wore Foot of the Loom underwear, and he drove a Buick. His loyalties were carved in stone and he wasn't about to be impressed with some upstart of a toaster salesman who drove a Bonneville. Votes: 0

I got out of the tub and had to squelch a scream when I saw my reflection in the vanity mirror. My hair looked like it had taken 2000 volts and been spray starched Votes: 0

As Stephanie and Lula were going after the bad guys, Lula was making preparations from the trunk of her Firebird. Stephanie looked inside and stopped breathing for a beat. "That's a rocket launcher!" "Yep," Lula said. "It's a big boy. I got it at a yard sale in the projects. Votes: 0

I received rejection letters for ten years (one on a napkin, written in crayon.) I had all my rejection notices stored in a box. When the box was finally full I took it to the curb and set it on fire. The next day I went out and got a temp job. Votes: 0

I actually really suck at naming books, so lots of years ago, readers were sending in their ideas for titles, and what we realized is that they were smarter than us. So we thought, Hey, go for it. So now we have a contest every year. Votes: 0

I took all of my rejection letters - there must have been thousands of them in a huge box - and I went out on the curb and burned them all, crying. Votes: 0

Calories don't count if they're connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this. Votes: 0

Here's a basic difference between Morelli and me. My first thought was always of cake. His first thought was always of sex. Don't get me wrong. I like sex . . . a lot. But it's never going to replace cake. Votes: 0

I think money isn't any good sitting around, so I spend some time in the shoe department at Saks. Votes: 0

Morelli beeped his truck unlocked. "If you're looking for your rent-a-cop, I told Ranger you'd be with me this morning." "Did he make you take a blood oath that you'd protect me?" "He asked me if I had adequate health insurance. Votes: 0

I attributed the incidence to temporary insanity, and in my own defense, I'd like to say I haven't run over anyone since. Votes: 0

By about the sixth romance I knew I wasn't in exactly the right place. I liked writing action. And I wanted to write a book with a little more edge than I was allowed in romance. Votes: 0

That was close,"he said, helping himself to coffee. Yeah, you almost opened the door to Morelli." I wasn't talking about Morelli. I was talking about us." That too," I said. Ranger sliced a bagel and looked for the toaster. It's broken,"I told him. He truned the boiler on and slid the bagel into the oven. That's surprisingly domestic for a man of mystery," I said to him. He looked at me over the rim of his coffee mug. "I like things hot. Votes: 0

If anything happened to you, I'd be so destroyed they'd have to strap me to a bed and feed me through a tube. After five or six years, I might be capable of taking care of Rex. In the interim, you should assign a guardian. Votes: 0

Make sure your main characters are likeable. They can be flawed, but your readers need to be able to root for them. Votes: 0

My mother drove back to the intersection. "Who are you dating?" "Don't ask," I said. I wasn't dating anyone. I was fornicating with Batman. Votes: 0

God's a busy guy. He don't have time to micromanage. What are the chances he heard that? It's early in the morning. He's probably having breakfast with Mrs. God. Votes: 0

When you get ready to write your novel, outline it first. There's nothing worse than getting halfway through and realizing you've painted yourself in a plot corner. Votes: 0

Maybe your pregnant. Oops, hold on, you're not pregnant, on account of you're not gettin any. Votes: 0

I thought you wanted to date other women?" "I didn't want to date other women. We decided in the heat of the moment that were no longer exclusively attached." "And I could date other men." Morelli was starting to look annoyed. "Have you been dating other men?" "Maybe." "As long as it isn't Ranger," Morelli said. "I don't think Ranger dates. Votes: 0

Are you telling me your brain and your lady parts decided on a love fest bake-off winner? Votes: 0

A uniform cordoned off the area with crime scene tape. The M.E. pulled in and parked. There were two EMT trucks idling at the edge of the lot. I'd stayed close to the back door, and one of the Rangeman guys had taken a position two feet from me, standing at parade rest. No doubt in my mind he'd take a bullet for me rather than face Ranger over a dead Stephanie. Votes: 0

Opening my door to Dillon Ruddick, my bulding super. I handed him a cup of coffee. "Sorry about the blood." "What was it this time?" No one reported gunfire." "I hit a guy in the face with a hair dryer." "Whoa." Dillon said. "It wasn't my fault," I told him. "Maybe we should lay down some linoleum here. It would make things easier for clean up. Votes: 0

I write to entertain. When people read one of my books I want them to finish with a smile on their faces, feeling a little bit better about themselves and the people in their lives. Votes: 0

Everyone knows you can't see death cooties. Take my word for it, that couch has the biggest, fattest death cooties that ever existed. That couch has the mother of all death cooties. "“ Lula Votes: 0

Was a fast easy reading, Good to take your mind off of anything serious for a while Votes: 0

How many times have I told you not to hit people in the face. You kick them in the body where it doesn't show. Votes: 0

Since I write in first person and have no idea what goes on in men's heads. Votes: 0

Is that a bulletproof vest? See, now that's so insulting. That's like saying I'm not smart enough to shoot you in the head." Eddie DeChooch Votes: 0

It was Lorraine in her nightie and Mo in his cap. They'd just settled their brains for a long winter's nap in front of the television. When out in the lot there arose such a clatter, they sprang from their recliners to see what was the matter. Away to the window they flew like a flash, tore open the blinds and threw up the sash. And what to their wondering eyes should appear, but Stephanie Plum and yet another of her cars burning front to rear. Votes: 0

Adaptation is one of the great advantages to being born and bred in Jersey. We're simply not bested by bad air or tainted water. We're like that catfish with lungs. Take us out of our environment and we can grow whatever body parts we need to survive. After Jersey the rest of the country's a piece of cake. You want to send someone into a fallout zone? Get him from Jersey. He'll be fine. Votes: 0

I really wouldn't classify the books as mysteries. I prefer to say that they're adventures. Votes: 0

Men drive off bridges and drink too much because of women like you. Votes: 0

Truth is, I think naked men are kind of strange looking what with their doodles and ding-dong hanging loose like they do. Nevertheless, there's the curiosity thing. I guess it's another one of those car crash experiences, where you feel compelled to look even if you know you'll be horrified. Votes: 0

I'm so busy writing and editing two books a year that I don't have time for painting anymore. Votes: 0

Nice dress. Take it off. Votes: 0

I'm for sure a workaholic. I'm a complete control freak and I take on way too many projects. Votes: 0

I see you looking at my cookies,' my father said to Morelli. 'Don't even think about it. Go get your own cookies. Votes: 0

Concentrate on doing the job, not the fear. Votes: 0

The golden years are for pussies. We went straight to brass. Votes: 0

Transitions are critically important. I want the reader to turn the page without thinking she's turning the page. It must flow seamlessly. Votes: 0

My grandmother is a little Cuban woman who cooks all day and speaks Spanish. Your grandmother watches pay-per-view porn." "She used to watch the Weather Channel, but she said there wasn't enough action." -Ranger and Stephanie Votes: 0

Your on your on with this one babe." "Coward." "Calling me names isn't going to get me in there." -Ranger and Stephanie Votes: 0

When I was painting, I was painting stories I was telling myself. When I look back at it, moving to writing was a very natural progression for me. Votes: 0

I guessed my mother figured if my father got right down to the task of eating he wouldn't be so inclined to jump up and strangle my grandmother. Votes: 0

Maybe it was me," Grandma said."Sometimes they sneak out.Did I fart? Votes: 0

Men are like shoes. Some fit better than others. And sometimes you go out shopping and there's nothing you like. And then, as luck would have it, the next week you find two that are perfect, but you don't have the money to buy both."- Votes: 0

I'm going back to bed," Grandma said when Mooner and Dougie left. "This doesn't look too interesting. I liked it better the other night when you were on the floor with the bounty hunter." Morelli gave me the same kind of look Desi always gave Lucy when she'd just done something incredibly stupid. "It's a long story," I said. "I bet. Votes: 0

Howie's doctor told him to lose ten pounds, and since Howie's been on a diet he's gained three. Votes: 0

You've been busy using your breaking and entering skills," I said. "I just enter. I don't usually break." "You broke down Pitch's door." "Lost my temper." -Ranger and Stephanie Votes: 0

I checked my phone messages. Three in all. The first was from Joe. "Hey, Cupcake." That was it. That was the whole message. The second was from Ranger. "Yo." Ranger made Joe look like a chatterbox. Votes: 0

Ranger picked up and there was a moment of silence as if he was sensing me at the other end, taking my body temperature and heart rate long distance. "Babe," he finally said. "Do you know the slum apartment building Bobby Sunflower owns on Stark?" "Yes. It's on the same block as his funeral home." "That's the one. I'm going in to look for someone. If you don't hear from me in a half hour maybe you could send someone to check." "Is this a smart thing to do?" "Probably not." "As long as you know," Ranger said. And he disconnected. Votes: 0

I was waiting for my body receipt when Morelli walked in. He nodded to Ranger and grinned at me in my whiteness. "I was at my desk, and Mickey told me I had to come out to take a look," Morelli said. "It's floor," I told him. "I can see that. If we add some milk and eggs, we can turn you into a cake. Votes: 0

Shirley's gonna be pissed," Gazarra said. "She hates when I get shot." To my recollection, the only other time Gazarra was shot was when he was playing quick draw in the police station elevator and his gun accidentally discharged. The bullet ricocheted off the elevator wall and lodged in Gazarra's right buttock. Votes: 0

they have enough testosterone between them, if testosterone were electricity they could light up New York City for the month of August Votes: 0

My eyes rolled so far back in my head that I could see myself think Votes: 0

Bob had a dog buscuit stuck to his head. "How does he always get food stuck to him?" I asked Morelli. "I don't know," Morelli said. "It's a Bob mystery. I think stuff falls out of his mouth and he rolls in it. I'm not sure." -Morelli And Stephanie Votes: 0

You're a marshmallow. Soft and sweet and when you get heated up you go all gooey and delicious."- Votes: 0

The dog ran into the kitchen, stuck his nose in Grandma's crotch, and snuffled. Dang," Grandma said. "Guess my new perfume really works. I'm gonna have to try it out at the seniors meeting. Votes: 0

If I let her in I'm doomed. It's like inviting a vampire into your house. Once you've invite them in, that's it, you're good as dead! Votes: 0

Aren't you something," Grandma said. "I never saw a midget up close." "Little person," Briggs said. "And I never saw anyone as old as you up close, either. Votes: 0

He squinted at me. "What are you wearing? Is that some new form of birth control? Votes: 0

I always wanted to eat with a Negro," Grandma said. Yeah, well I always wanted to eat with a boney- assed old white woman," Lula said. "So I guess this works out good. Votes: 0

I need to look like an idiot at least twice a day to keep myself humble. Votes: 0

I don't know much about cars," Joyce said, "but I think someone took my engine. Votes: 0

Wondering where Ranger was now, when I needed him. Why wasn't he here, insisting on locking me up in a safe house? Now that my hamster's cage was clean, I'd be happy to oblige. Votes: 0

Babe, you've destroyed a car, burned down two buildings, stapled a guy's nuts, and you have sixteen stitches in your leg. Take a night off. Have a glass of wine, watch some television, and go to bed early." -Ranger Votes: 0

It was dark and raining, with bad visibility, but this was Jersey, and we don't slow down for anything. Votes: 0

The way I see it, life is a jelly doughnut. You don't really know what it's about until you bite into it. And then, just when you decided it's good, you drop a big glob of jelly on your best T-shirt. Votes: 0

I wasn't sure exactly how prostitutes determined price, but if men bought hookers by the pound, these two would be doing okay. Votes: 0

I want to see your tailpipe fading off into the sunset." Good luck, I thought. My tailpipe was somewhere on Route 1, along with my muffler. Votes: 0

I took the stool next to him, raising an eyebrow at the coffee and cruller on the counter. "Thought you weren't into internal pollution," I said. Lately Ranger'd been on a health food thing. "Props," Ranger told me. "Didn't want to look out of place." I didn't want to burst his fantasy bubble, but the only time Ranger wouldn't look out of place would be standing in a lineup between Rambo and Batman. Votes: 0

Ranger sent us to check on you," Hal said. "We just got here, and we heard shots." "Some moron ate my jelly doughnut," Lula said. "So I shot him. Votes: 0

You owe me!" -Stephanie "Why do I owe you?" -Joe "I caught your no good cousin." -Stephanie "Yeah and in the process you burned down a funeral home, and damaged thousands of dollars of government property." -Joe "Well if you are going to be picky about it...." -Stephanie Votes: 0

He's a good man," Ranger said. "And you?" "I'm better. Votes: 0

Sorry about Bender," Lula said, letting the Trans Am idle at the curb. "Maybe we could tell Vinnie he died. We could say we were all set to bring Bender in, and he died. Bang. Dead as a doorknob." "Better yet, why don't we just go back and kill him," I said. I opened the door to leave, caught my toe in the floor mat, and fell out of the car, face first. I rolled onto my back and stared up at the stars. "I'm fine," I said to Lula. "Maybe I'll sleep here tonight. Votes: 0

I could use some help with an FTA. What's your problem? He's old, and I'll look like a loser if I shoot him. Votes: 0

I know what you're thinking," Grandma said into the silence. "Do I have anymore bullets in this here gun? Well, with all the confusion, what with being locked up in a refrigerator, I plumb forgot what was in here to start with. But being that this is a 45 magnum, the most powerful handgun in existence, and it could blow your head clean off, you just got to ask yourself one question. Do you feel lucky today? Well, do you, punk?" Christ," Spiro whispered. "She thinks she's f**king Clint Eastwood. Votes: 0

Cute? I think my testosterone level just dropped - Ranger Votes: 0

If I could just get Broom to cooperate, we could fly, Glo said. Then we wouldn't have to worry about traffic. Harry Potter didn't have to worry about traffic. You relize Harry Potter isn't real, right? Of course, but he could be. I mean, maybe not Harry Potter, but someone like him. Who's to say? Votes: 0

Respect and love your readers. Write for the reader. Votes: 0

I don't need shoes. I need a night scope. You think they sell night scopes someplace here? Votes: 0

It would be difficult to tell," Wulf said. "I've always been a romantic. I've seen Casablanca twice, and I sat through the entire ordeal of Titanic". "Didn't you enjoy Titanic?" "I was relieved when the ship went down". Votes: 0

Everyone knew fear. It was the reaction that made the difference. Some people hated fear and avoided the experience. Some people endured it as a necessity. And some people became addicted to the rush. Votes: 0

When people ask what you do, tell them you're a writer. Put yourself on the line. Make a commitment. Votes: 0

I don't want my readers slowed down by long passages of narrative. Votes: 0

He asked me if I had adequate health insurance. Votes: 0

Sometimes it's hard to tell what's love and what's only indigestion Votes: 0

I did such a gigantic eye roll I almost fell over. Votes: 0

I want to be there when you get Cubbin. And I don't want to be left out of the television show either. Little people are sexy now. Have you seen Game of Thrones? We're hot. Votes: 0

I'd hate to list our specialties. Wreck cars, eat doughnuts, create mayhem. Votes: 0

I wasn't sure anymore what made a good marriage. There had to be love, of course, but there were so many different kinds of love. And clearly, some love was more enduring than others. Votes: 0

Ranger appeared in the bathroom doorway and I was too relieved to be embarrassed. "I appreciate you coming out in the middle of the night," I said. Ranger smiled. "I didn't want to miss seeing you chained up naked. Votes: 0

Did you take Joyce's engine?' 'My instructions were to disable the car, but one of the men bet Hal a burger he couldn't get the engine out. So Hal removed the engine. Votes: 0

There is no such thing as a good call at 7 AM. It's been my experience that all calls between the hours of 11 PM and 9 AM are disaster calls. Votes: 0

I like my nuts," Mooner said. "I don't want them cut off. I'd be, like, nutless then. Votes: 0

If I didn't know better, I'd think you were trying to get me drunk," I said to Ranger. "Not drunk," Ranger said. "Just relaxed and naked. Votes: 0

Ranger clicked his penlight on. "Hang onto me if you can't see." I curled my hand into the back of his cargo pants just above his gun belt. "I'm good to go." He was still for a beat. "You could have held on to my jacket," he said. "Would you rather I do that?" "No. Not even a little. Votes: 0

I felt my cell phone buzz, and I looked at the screen. Ranger. "Your GPS just went blank," Ranger said when I answered. "The car exploded." There was a beat of silence. "Rafael won the pool," Ranger said. "Are you okay?" "Yes." "I'll send someone. Votes: 0

That's how you tell what a man's really made of. It's one thing for a man to be big and brave and kill a spider. Any man could do that. Trailin' after a woman when she's shopping for thongs and push-up bras is a whole other category of man. And then if you want to see how far you can go with it, you ask him to carry one of those little pink bags they give you. Votes: 0

Any intelligent woman would have made a dignified retreat, but this was New Jersey, where dignity always runs a poor second to the pleasure of getting in someone's face. Votes: 0

That's nice of you, but it's not necessary to loan me a car." "I loan you cars all the time." "And I almost always destroy them or lose them. I have terrible luck with cars." "Working at Rangeman is a high-stress job, and you're one of our few sources of comic relief. I give you a car and my men start a pool on how long it will take you to trash it. You're a line item in my budget under entertainment. Votes: 0

You never want to look in a mirror," Lula said. "Men love mirrors. They look at themselves doing the deed and they see Rex the Wonder Horse. Women look at themselves and think they need to renew their membership at the gym. Votes: 0

Ranger plays by his own set of rules, and I don't have a complete copy. Votes: 0

I disconnected and made a mental note not to call Tank unless I was bleeding profusely, and he was the only other person on earth. Votes: 0

Now that we know you're not a hundred percent vampire you should stop trying to suck necks," I said to Ziggy. "I'll try," Ziggy said, "but it's a hard habit to break. Votes: 0

I was on my back, looking up at Morelli through cobwebs, and my first thought was that the 7-Eleven victim had exacted revenge on me, and I'd been stun gunned. The cobwebs cleared, and I discounted stun gunning. "What happened?" I asked Morelli. "You fainted." "That's ridiculous." "I agree, but if someone sent me a dead woman I might faint, too." He was down on one knee, bending over me. "Are you ready to get up?" "I need a moment." "Don't take too long. People will think I'm proposing. Votes: 0

I don't know if it's a good idea to give a woman a box of bullets when she's got a pimple. Votes: 0

Cracker Jacks don't count as junk food because they're corn and peanuts, which we know to be high in nutrition. And they have a prize inside. Votes: 0

I buy wine according to the bottle design. After I get down the first glass it all tastes okay to me so I figure you go for something classy to look at on the table Votes: 0

I don't think his elevator went all the way to the top anymore, if you know what I mean Votes: 0

You have the Super Soaker filled with holy water?" "Yeah. I sucked it out of the church. You know that bird-bath thing they got right up front?" "The baptismal font?" "That's it. They got it filled with holy water, free for the taking." "Brilliant," I said to Lula. She tapped her head with her finger. "No grass growin' here. Votes: 0

Cupcake , you've been breaking my heart for as long as I've known you Votes: 0

[Stephanie] 'You see, Mrs. Mayer was going on about George's lodge, and how he wanted to be buried with his ring, and so Grandma had to check the ring out, and in the process broke off one of George's fingers. Turns out the finger was wax. Somehow Kenny got into the mortuary this morning, left Spiro a note, and chopped off George's finger. And then while I was at the mall tonight with Mary Lou, Kenny threatened me in the shoe department. That must have been when he put the finger in my pocket.' [Morelli] 'Have you been drinking? Votes: 0

Bullets are creepy." Stephenie Votes: 0

If I gave you a pity position it wouldn't be in my office. Votes: 0

I'm telling you, it's fu**ing hard to be classy Votes: 0

I don't have a lot of domestic instincts," Ranger said to me, his attention fixing on the unidentifiable glob in my hair, "but I have a real strong urge to take you home and hose you down." I went dry mouth. Connie bit into her lower lip, and Lula fanned herself with a file. Votes: 0

Truth is, I'm a good Catholic girl. The faith has always been elusive, but the guilt is intractable. Votes: 0

The dancers finished thier set, and one immediately strolled over to our table and straddled Ranger. Want a private party?" she asked. Not tonight," Ranger said. He handed her a twenty, and she left. What about the cat-feeding theory?" I asked him. Out the window. Votes: 0

Give me the gun." Ranger said. I extracted the gun from my pants and handed it over. Ranger held the gun in the pulm of his hand and smiled. "It's warm," he said. He put the gun in the glove compartment and plugged the key into the ignition. Am I fired?" No. Any women who can heat up a gun like that is worth keeping around. Votes: 0

Who's the best person you know. Of all the people you know personally, is there anyone who has a sense of right and wrong and lives by it? This was a sticky question because it would have to be Ranger ...but I suspected he occasionally killed people. Only bad people, of course, but still... Votes: 0

I went to the door, and Gary tried hard not to notice I was blue. He looked at his feet, and he looked above my head, and he cleared his throat. It's okay,' I said. 'I know I'm blue.' It caught me by surprise,' he said. 'I didn't want to seem rude. Votes: 0

Babe," Ranger said. "You're looking a little strung out. Is there anything I should know?" I'm on a sugar withdrawal. I've given up desert and it's all I can think about." That had been true five minutes ago. Now that Ranger was standng in front of me I was thinking a cupcake wasn't what I actually needed. Maybe I can help you get your mind off doughnuts," Ranger said. My mouth dropped open, and I think some drool might have dribbled out. Votes: 0

I'd spent a night with Ranger a while ago, and I knew what happened when he was encouraged. Ranger knew how to make a woman want him. Ranger was magic. Votes: 0

You fainted," I told Tank. "I did not," Tank said. "That's a lie. Votes: 0

The elevator doors opened, and Ranger stepped out and spied Tank stretched out on the carpet. "Fainted," I said. Ranger walked to Tank and stood hands on hips, staring down at him. "Tank doesn't faint. I've been in firefights with him. He's a rock." "Well, the rock fainted. Votes: 0

She'll be back," Ranger said. "But not tonight." [Stephanie] "How'd you get her to leave?" "Told her I was gonna spend the next twelve hours ruining you for all other men, and so she might as well go home." I could feel the heat rush to my face. Ranger gave me the wolf smile. "I lied about it being tonight," he said. Votes: 0

Jesus, Morelli, you sound like you have PMS. You have to learn to lighten up a little. It's just a car alarm. You should be thanking me. I had it installed with my own money. Votes: 0

Ranger is an unusual name," she managed. "Is it a nickname?" It's a street name," Ranger said. "I was a Ranger in the army." I heard about them Rangers on TV," Grandma said. "I heard they get dogs pregnant." My father's mouth dropped open and a piece of ham fell out. My mother froze, her fork poised in midair. That's sort of a joke," I told Grandma. "Rangers don't get dogs pregnant in real life." I looked at Ranger for corroboration and got another smile. Votes: 0

Ranger locked eyes with me. "Please," he said. Tank and Hal were goggle-eyed. They weren't used to "please." I wasn't used to it either. But I liked it. Okay," I said. "Be careful. He's insane. Votes: 0

Has it ever occurred to you that you might be delusional?' That's what the psychiatrist said, but I think he's wrong. There's an evil flying pizza out there, and it's got Brenda's name on it. Votes: 0

I looked over at him. "Is that a proposal?" There was total silence for a couple beats. "I'm not sure. It just popped out." "Let me know when you're sure." "Would you say yes?" Morelli asked. "I'm not sure. Votes: 0

He specializes in virgins! The brush of his fingertips turns virgins into slobbering mush." Mary Lou Molnar Votes: 0

If she wasn't your grandmother I'd shoot her." Ranger Votes: 0

Nice tackle, babe." Ranger Votes: 0

You're probably gonna find this hard to believe, but I was sort of weird when I was a kid." Salvatore "Sally" Sweet Votes: 0

There's me and then there's you, and you aren't ever going to be as good as me, Sweet Thing." Ranger Votes: 0

Its always nice to have a stud muffin at the table. Votes: 0

Babe,' Ranger said. 'Do something with her.' And he disconnected. I called Ranger back. 'No,' I said. 'And I need information on Jelly Kantner. His apartment got blown up, and I need to find him.' And I should do this why?' Because you like me.' There was a full beat of silence. 'I do,' Ranger said. 'I like you a lot. Sometimes I'm not sure why. Give me a couple minutes. Votes: 0

You're a magnet for mess. I've never seen anything like it. Lula to Stephanie Votes: 0

Fine. Let Ranger get someone else. Trust me, you don't want to be out looking for a parking place on Sloane in the middle of the night." I won't have to look for a parking place. Tank's picking me up. Your working with a guy name Tank? He's big. Jesus, Morelli said. I had to fall in love with a woman who works with a guy named Tank. You love me? Of course i love you. I just don't want to marry you. Votes: 0

Stephanie,' Valerie said. 'She's going to have a baby, and she's getting married.' My father was confused. He looked around the room. No Joe. No Ranger. His eyes locked on Diesel. 'Not the psycho,' he said. Diesel blew out a sigh. My father turned to my mother. 'Get me the carving knife. Make sure it's sharp. Votes: 0

Good thing he's dead," Lula said, "or that would have hurt like the devil. Votes: 0

Cupcake, your middle name is trouble. Votes: 0

Just because i know how to change a guys oil doesn't mean i want to spend the rest of my life on my back, staring up his undercarriage. Votes: 0

[Ranger] "How's your mental health?" he asked. "I heard about Soder." [Stephanie] "I'm rattled." "I have a cure." Oh, boy. He put the truck in gear and headed for the exit. "I know what you're thinking," he said. "And that wasn't where I was going. I was going to suggest work." "I knew that." He looked over at me and grinned. "You want me bad." I did. God help me. Votes: 0

Lula's borderline too much of a good thing in lots of ways. It isn't exactly that Lula is fat; it's more that she's too short for her weight and her clothes are too small for the volume of flesh she carries. Votes: 0

One Ranger is all you'll ever need. - Ranger Votes: 0

Do you have someone watching her house?" (Stephanie) "That kind of surveillance only happens in the movies. We're so underbudgeted we're one step away from holding bake sales to pay for toilet paper. (Morelli) Votes: 0

What's this outfit? You can't afford clothes? Are you wearing other peoples?" Helen Plum Votes: 0

I make lots of mistakes. I try hard not to make the same mistake more than three or four times. Votes: 0

With the exception of dessert, food is food. Votes: 0

My father was in the kitchen putting a new washer in the kitchen faucet. He looked relieved to see Morelli standing in the hallway. He'd probably prefer I bring home someone useful, like a butcher or a car mechanic, but I guess cops are a step up from undertakers. Votes: 0

You think I'm gonna feel better eatin' a carrot? Get a grip. There's two idiots out there trying to kill me, and you think I'm gonna waste my last breath on a vegetable? (Lula) Votes: 0

Either get out of bed or else take your clothes off," he said. "I'm not in the mood to compromise. Votes: 0

How was your day?" Morelli asked me. "Oh, you know, the usual. Stole a truck. Blew up a building, and brought seven monkeys home with me. Votes: 0

You need teeth like mine!" Grandma said. "You can just mail 'em to the dentist! Votes: 0

On the bright side, I'm sure this isn't the last time you'll ever get firebombed, so maybe you'll have better luck next time. Votes: 0

Excuse me?" I said, palms down on the Formica tabletop. "Coffee? I thought we came here for pie." "I don't eat the kind of pie they serve here." I felt a flash of heat go through my stomach. I knew firsthand the kind of pie Ranger liked. Votes: 0

I hate mornings. They start so early. Votes: 0

Are you afraid of me? Uh... yes.' The smile stayed fixed in place. 'You should be. You locked me in a refrigerator truck with three dead people. Sooner or later I'm going to get you for it. Votes: 0

I pulled into the Grand Union parking lot and drove to the end of the mall where the bank was located. I parked at a safe distance from other cars, exited the BMW, and set the alarm. You want me to stay with the car in case someone's riding around with a bomb in his backseat looking for a place to put it?" Lula asked. Not necessary. Ranger says the car has sensors." Ranger give you a car with bomb sensors? The head of the CIA don't even have a car with bomb sensors. I hear they give him a stick with a mirror on the end of it. Votes: 0

I paused for a light at Hamilton and TWlfth and noticed the Nissan was running rough at idle. Two blocks later it backfired and stalled. I coaxed it into the center of the city. Ffft, ffft, ffft, KAPOW! Ffft, ffft, ffft, KAPOW! A Trans Am pulled up next to me at a light. The Trans Am was filled with high school kids. One of them stuck his head out of the passenger-side window. "Hey lady," he said. "Sounds like you got a fartmobile." I flipped him an Italian goodwill gesture and pulled the ball cap low on my forehead. (Three to get Deadly) Votes: 0

Well, sure, but I don't bring God into it. I think shower massage might have been invented by the devil. God invented the missionary position. Votes: 0

I don't need handcuffs to enslave a woman." -Ranger to Stephanie Votes: 0

Have you eaten?' I asked Diesel. When?' Recently.' No. Votes: 0

Turns out, that's how it is with weddings. You just keep getting in deeper and deeper until you want to throw up. Votes: 0

You'd tell me if we were getting married, wouldn't you? I mean, you wouldn't just appear on my doorstep one day and say we were due at the church in an hour. Votes: 0

Diesel is back," Ranger said. Yes. How did you know?" I woke up with a migraine this morning." Ranger said. Votes: 0

Sweetie, nothing that flies looks safe, including birds. Votes: 0

He [Ranger] peeled my [Stephanie] clothes off and wrangled me into bed. And then suddenly he was inside me. He once told me that time spent with him would ruin me for all other men. When he said it, I thought it was an outrageous threat. I no longer though it outrageous. Votes: 0

He [Ranger] stopped in front of my parents' house, and we both looked to the door. My mother and my grandmother were standing there, watching us. "I'm not sure I feel comfortable about the way your grandma looks at me," Ranger said. [Stephanie] "She wants to see you naked." "I wish you hadn't told me that, babe." "Everyone I know wants to see you naked." "And you?" "Never crossed my mind." I held my breath when I said it, and I hoped God wouldn't stike me down dead for lying. Votes: 0

And when I was in the trunk, I saw Jesus. And the Virgin Mary. And Ozzy Osbourne. Votes: 0

I had an alarm, I had nerve gas, I had a yogurt. What more could anyone want? Votes: 0

It's the twenty-first century." I told Tank. "Women drive." "Only in my bed," Tank said. "Never in my car. Votes: 0

I'd do the lifting, but I just got a manicure. And I notice you don't have a manicure at all. Only thing noticeable about your hands is the missing tan on your ring finger that I don't care about. -Lula Votes: 0

Life is about survival of the fittest, and Jersey is producing the master race. Votes: 0

No one expected a first year engineering student to build the perfect bridge. Votes: 0

I rolled my eyes so far into the top of my head I almost fell over backward. Votes: 0

My body is not designed to run. My body was designed to sit in an expensive care and drive. Votes: 0

THERE ARE SOME MEN who enter a woman's life and screw it up forever. Joseph Morelli did this to me"”not forever, but periodically. Votes: 0

You must be a terrible burden to your mother. I am feeling so sorry for her not to have a proper daughter." Mrs. Apusenja - To the Nines Votes: 0

This isn't just a job. This is a service profession. We uphold the law, babe." Ranger Votes: 0

He had a body like batman Votes: 0

Stephanie, I'm begging you. Eat some doughnuts. I can't keep going like this." - Morelli Votes: 0

You should see me work my magic in leather" Ranger Votes: 0

There's a small possibility that I might be a murder suspect" Stephanie Votes: 0

Your life isn't out of control. It's expanded. Votes: 0

I've never been in this part of Trenton before. I don't feel comfortable driving around buildings that haven't got gang slogans sprayed on them. Look at this place. No boarded-up windows. No garbage in the gutter. No brothers selling goods on the street. Don't know how people can live like this. Votes: 0

Is there anything else you need from me?" Ranger asked. "Not right now." "There will come a time," Ranger said. "Let me know when." And he disconnected. I opened the freezer and stuck my head in to cool off. If there'd been any more innuendo in that conversation, I could have fried an egg on my forehead. Votes: 0

You don't even need to go to college no more because you could learn how to do everything on YouTube. Votes: 0

You could be the Mega Mage of wizards. You could rule Minionfire. Do you really think so?' Yeah, but you'd have to make a deal with the wood elves.' I don't like the wood elves.' They're okay. They're misunderstood. Votes: 0

I've finally reached a stage in my career where I can do what I want. Votes: 0

Lots of times I'm not crazy about the writing, but I keep moving ahead and somehow it gets better. The important thing is to move forward. Votes: 0

I think I got a bruise from landing on you. I hear bacon is real good for healing a bruise. Votes: 0

Go figure that. Joseph Morelli with a house, a dog, a steady job, and an SUV. And on odd days of the month he woke up wanting to marry me. It turns out want to marry him on even days of the month, so to date we've been spared commitment. Votes: 0

Somewhere along the line, I realized that I liked telling stories, and I decided that I would try writing. Ten years later, I finally got a book published. It was hard. I had no skills. I knew nothing about the business of getting published. So I had to keep working at it. Votes: 0

I always know it's Sunday because I wake up feeling apologetic. That's one of the cool things about being a Catholic . . . it's a multifaceted experience. If you lose the faith, chances are you'll keep the guilt, so it isn't as if you've been skunked altogether. Votes: 0

Mrs. Zuppa was coming in from bingo just as I was leaving the building. "Looks like you're going to work," she said, leaning heavily on her cane. "What are you packin'?" "A thirty-eight." "I like a nine-millimeter myself." "A nine's good." "Easier to use a semiautomatic after you've had hip replacement and you walk with a cane," she said. One of those useful pieces of information to file away and resurrect when I turn eighty-three. Votes: 0

You ever get any death threats? How about ex-husbands or ex-boyfriends? You run over anyone recently?" ~ Morelli Votes: 0

I rushed us out of your parents' house because I didn't think I could manage two hours at the dinner table with everyone focused on Joe Loosey's joystick sitting in the refrigerator next to the applesauce. Votes: 0

If you want to cry, you're not going to like my books. Votes: 0

I wasn't dating anyone. I was fornicating with Batman. Votes: 0

He's sort of a homeless horse," I said. "I'm leaving for the airport in two seconds, and I won't be back for a couple days. You can put the horse in the garage, but I don't want that horse in my apartment." "Who would put a horse in an apartment? That's dumb." "Where's the horse staying now?" "My apartment." "I can always count on you to brighten my day," Ranger said. And he disconnected. Votes: 0

I can give you a better 'and then'," Ranger said. Votes: 0

I'll be real discreet," Tank said. As discreet as a six-foot-six, no-neck guy weighing three hundred and fifty pounds, all dressed in black SWAT clothes, with a Glock holstered at his side could be. Votes: 0

you see what I'm saying?" Mooner said. "Something else always comes along. You go to jail, you don't have to worry about anything. No rent to pay. No food bill to sweat. Free dental plan. And that's worth something, dude.You don't wnat to stick your nose up at free dental. Votes: 0

Stop the planet. I want to get off. Votes: 0

I got out of the elevator and confronted Mr. Wexler. "Killing is wrong." "We kill chickens," Mr. Wexler said. "We kill cows. We kill trees. So big deal, we kill some drug dealers." It was hard to argue with that kind of logic because I like cows and chickens and trees much better than drug dealers. Votes: 0

I exchanged my flannel shirt for a Rangers jersey and zapped the television on. Probably I should make more phone calls, but the Rangers were playing and priorities were priorities. Votes: 0

You can run, but you can't hide, Cupcake." Morelli said. "I'll find you." "You are such a cop." "Tell me about it. Votes: 0

The note wasn't signed, but I could tell it was from Morelli by the way my nipples got hard. Votes: 0

Ranger Smiled. 'You want me to be Superman? Spend the night with me. Votes: 0

Get me a gun. If I don't go into labor soon, I'm going to shoot myself. And pass the gravy. Pass it now." Valerie - To the Nines Votes: 0

Looks like you're on a roll. This is the second car you've toasted this week." Carl Costanza - Hot Six Votes: 0

You know what this is?" Lula said. "This here's plane rage." Plane rage isn't allowed. It got taken off the allowed activities list along with eating. If you make a scene they'll hual you off in leg irons." Stephanie said. I'm tired of being stapped in here, too," Lula said. "This seat belt's too tight and it's giving me gas." Anything else?" There's no movie. Votes: 0

It's been almost a month since you found a body. I knew you were due." Carl Costanza - Seven Up Votes: 0

I'm sorry about your Porsche." "I can replace the Porsche. I can't replace you. You need to be more careful." I was just sitting in your car!" Babe, you're a magnet for disaster. Votes: 0

I wasn't a fabulous cook. I didn't have a boyfriend, much less a husband. And I wasn't a big financial success. I could live with all those failings as long as I knew that once in a while I looked really hot. Votes: 0

Almost everybody I know has died," Grandma said. "Bunch of wimps. Votes: 0

You can't put cuffs on Mr. Cluck! What will the kids think?" Stuart Bagget Votes: 0

And then it gets so hot that they keep the supermarkets too cold. Hot, cold. Hot, cold. It gives me the runs." Mr. Landowsky Votes: 0

I was driving by, doing a security check... and I smelled leg of lamb." Morelli Votes: 0

The way I see it, living in New Jersey is a challenge, what with the toxic waste and the eighteen wheelers and the armed schizophrenics." Connie Rosolli Votes: 0

Some men go a lifetime and never have their kid blow up a car, but I have a daughter who's knocked off three cars and burned down a funeral home. Maybe that's some kind of record. Votes: 0

Saved by the grandma" Ranger Votes: 0

Tastykakes are just another of the many advantages of living in Jersey. They're made in Philly and shipped to Trenton in all their fresh squishiness. I read once that 439,000 Butterscotch Krimpets are baked every day. And not a heck of a lot of them find their way to New Hampshire. All that snow and scenery and what good does it do you without Tastykakes? Votes: 0

About that proposal, cupcake..." Morelli Votes: 0

Suppose something goes wrong? Suppose you need a big full-figure woman like me to help straighten things out?" Lula Votes: 0

Maybe it's just not the right time for us to be married. I don't want to be a bounty hunter for the rest of my life, but I certainly don't want to be a housewife right now. And I really don't want to be married to someone who gives me ultimatums. And maybe Joe needs to examine what he wants from a wife. He was raised in a traditional Italian household with a stay-at-home mother and domineering father. If he wants a wife who will fit into that mold, I'm not for him. I might be a stay-at-home mother someday, but I'll always be trying to fly off the garage roof. That's just who I am. Votes: 0

When something needs to be ironed I put it in the ironing basket. If a year goes by and the item is still in the basket I throw the item away. This is a good system since eventually I end up only with clothes that don't need ironing. Votes: 0

What are you doing back at the bakery?" I asked [Diesel]. "Did you know Wulf was here?" "No. I knew food was here. Votes: 0

Are you telling me you think Ranger's a superhero?' Think about it. We don't know where he lives. We don't know anything about him.' Superheroes are make-believe.' Oh yeah?' Lula said. 'What about God? Votes: 0

One of the men gave Butch a bunch of volts with a stun gun. The Rangeman didn't move fast enough, and Butch grabbed the gun and threw it across the room. "Hunh," Rangeman guy said. "Yeah," I said. "Been there, done that." "Are you sure he's human?" "Maybe you could hook a chain to the FlexiCuffs on his ankles and drag him behind your car," I said. "We tried that once, and Ranger didn't like it," the guy said. "You do something twice that Ranger doesn't like, and you're out of a job and damaged. Votes: 0

There's always tomorrow." "Exactly," she said, finishing off her first doughnut, selecting a second. Maybe she wouldn't starve to death, she decided. Maybe she'd eat herself into obesity and explode. Death by doughnut. Votes: 0

Are we fighting?" I asked Morelli. "No. Were discussing." "Are you sure?" "Am I yelling?" Morelli asked. "Is my face purple? Are the cords on my neck standing out? Am I waving my arms around?" "No." "The were not fighting. Votes: 0

I'd kiss you, but you smell like a gym bag. Votes: 0

You're such a cupcake. Votes: 0

I failed math twice, never fully grasping probability theory. I mean, first off, who cares if you pick a black ball or a white ball out of the bag? And second, if you're bent over about the color, don't leave it to chance. Look in the damn bag and pick the color you want. Votes: 0

Morelli grabbed the front of my shirt, pulled me to him, and kissed me. It was a great kiss, but I didn't know what the heck it meant. It seemed to me a breaking up kiss would have had less tongue. Votes: 0

I'd slept with Ranger! Not sexually, of course. But I'd been in his bed. And then there was the evil shower gel. "It was all because of the shower gel," I said. Morelli's eyes narrowed. "Shower gel?" I made a major effort not to sigh. "Long story. You probably don't want to hear it. Votes: 0

Okay, take a deep breath, I told myself. Don't go all hormonal. Get the facts straight. Have a mental doughnut. Votes: 0

That's one of the things I like about Mary Lou. She's willing to believe the worst about anyone. Votes: 0

She doesn't know," Cate said. "Kellen is a secret. I didn't think my mother would approve." "Why wouldn't your mother approve?" Pugg asked. "It's my job," Kellen said. "I kill people. It pays well, but it's not universally socially acceptable. Votes: 0

At the other end of the room, Grandma had the lid up on Larry Lipinski. She was standing one foot on a folding chair, one foot on the edge of the casket, and she was taking pictures with a disposable camera. Votes: 0

I was going to go to church, but I decided to get doughnuts instead. Votes: 0

Why do you give me cars?" "It's fun," Ranger said."And it keeps you safe. Do you want to know why keeping you safe is important to me?" "You love me?" "Yes." A sigh inadvertently escaped. "We're really screwed up, aren't we?" "In a very large way," Ranger said. Votes: 0

Amen" Lula said and she made the sign of the cross. "I thought you were Baptist." "Yeah, but we don't got any hand signals for an occasion like this. Votes: 0

Yeah, I like that idea. Maybe he'll shoot at us again. I was hoping someone would shoot at me today. That was the first thing I said when I got up: Boy, I hope I get shot at today. Votes: 0

That might work," I said. "I'm good at faking it." This led to a couple moments of uncomfortable silence from both of us. "You didn't mean... ?" Morelli asked. "No. Of course not." "Never?" "Maybe once." His eyes narrowed. "Once?" "It's all that comes to mind. It was the time we were late for your Uncle Spud's birthday party." "I remember that. That was great. You're telling me you faked it?" "We were late! I couldn't concentrate. It seemed like the best way to go. Votes: 0

Men!" "At least we don't fake it." "Listen, it was your uncle. And we were late, remember? So I made the sacrifice and got us there in time for dessert. You should be thanking me." Morelli's mouth was open slightly and his face was registering a mixture of astonished disbelief and wounded, pissed-off male pride. Okay, it wasn't that much of a sacrifice at the time, and I knew he shouldn't be thanking me, but give me a break here... this wasn't famine in Ethiopia Votes: 0

Ranger cradled my face in his hands, using his thumbs to wipe the tears from my eyes. "The ceremony is over. Can you make it back to the car?" I nodded. "I'm okay now. Am I red and blotchy from crying?" "Yes," Ranger said, brushing a kiss across my forehead. "I love you anyway." "There's all kinds of love," I said. Ranger took me by the hand and led me back to the SUV. "This is the kind that doesn't call for a ring. But a condom might come in handy." "That's not love," I told him. "That's lust. Votes: 0

Suppose I lay down on the pavement and you run over me a few times with my own car...just for old times. Votes: 0

Look at you! You look like Rangeman Barbie. You got a gun and everything. -Lula Votes: 0

Valerie was crying, too. She was laughing and sniffling back sobs. "I'm going to marry my snuggy wuggums," she said. Morelli paused, his fork halfway to the roast chicken platter. He slid his eyes to me and leaned close. "If you ever call me snuggy wuggums in public I'll lock you in the cellar and chain you to the furnace. Votes: 0

I am not menopausal. I just wanted half an hour alone. Is that too much to ask? A crappy half hour! Votes: 0

Omygod, I haven't got years. I'll have to hide in the Bat Cave." "Once you go to the Bat Cave it's forever, babe." Eeek. Votes: 0

I hung my head. Ranger was next on the list. "Yo," Ranger said when he answered. "Small problem." "No kidding. Your car just went off the screen." "It sort of burned up." Silence. "And you know that keypad you gave me? It was in the car." "Babe. Votes: 0

Am I to assume you would rather not have us as clients?""¨ "Let me think about that for a nanosecond," Dickie said. "Yes! Last time you were in my office you tried to kill me.""¨ "That's an exaggeration. Maim you, yes. Kill you, probably not." Votes: 0

Ranger's gonna hate this," Tank said. "Better to get shot than to have to explain the gate. Bad enough I got a horse that smells like his shower gel. Votes: 0

He doesn't look very smart," Diesel said. "He's not even giving me the finger." "Can monkey's do that?" Hal asked. Carl gave him the finger. "Cool!" Hal said. Votes: 0

And something chocolate, of course. A meal was not a meal without some sort of chocolate for desert. Votes: 0

I don't feel so good." Lula said. And she farted. She squeezed her eyes shut tight and did a full minute-long fart. "Excuse me." she said. I was horrified and impressed all at the same time. It was a record breaking fart. On my best day, I couldn't come near to farting like that. Votes: 0

Were really screwed up, aren't we?" "In a very large way. Votes: 0

Nice dress you're almost wearing. You ever think about changing professions?" -Ranger Votes: 0