Top quotes by Jeff Foxworthy

I have never been jealous. Not even when my dad finished fifth grade a year before I did. Votes: 25

For the first time ever I was taking the family on the road. We stayed with my in-laws, which on life's list of experiences ranks right below sitting in a tub full of scissors. Votes: 23

If you ever start feeling like you have the goofiest, craziest, most dysfunctional family in the world, all you have to do is go to a state fair. Because five minutes at the fair, you'll be going, 'you know, we're alright. We are dang near royalty.' Votes: 22

I say, If everybody in this house lives where it's God first, friends and family second and you third, we won't ever have an argument. Votes: 18

You might be a redneck if you're moved to tears every time you hear Dolly Parton singing I Will Always Love You. Votes: 18

I used to say that whenever people heard my Southern accent, they always wanted to deduct 100 IQ points. Votes: 17

That's the great thing about a tractor. You can't really hear the phone ring. Votes: 16

The designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, drop them off at the wrong house. Votes: 14

Changing a diaper is a lot like getting a present from your grandmother - you're not sure what you've got but you're pretty sure you're not going to like it. Votes: 14

The more excited the rooster gets, the higher his voice goes. He's got a little bit of a Barney Fife quality to him. Votes: 13

When you get to your third millionth frequent flyer mile, I think something snaps in your brain. Votes: 13

Watching a baby being born is a little like watching a wet St. Bernard coming in through the cat door. Votes: 13

I turned down a movie this summer because it was nine weeks in Vancouver and my oldest daughter is 14. I've got four more summers with her. I'm not giving away nine weeks of her summer to go do a silly movie. Votes: 11

If your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you home, you might be a redneck. Votes: 11

I teach a Bible study for homeless guys in downtown Atlanta every week. Been doing it for years. That's the guys I'd rather go talk to. I'd rather take my act outside the church. Votes: 11

My wife is so analytical with raising kids, and I am not. My feeling is if they turn out good, then that means I was a good daddy and put a lot of effort into it. If they turn out bad, it means they took after her side of the family. Votes: 10

Look at where Jesus went to pick people. He didn't go to the colleges; he got guys off the fishing docks. Votes: 10

You may be a redneck if... you have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education. Votes: 9

You know, I remember Career Day in high school. I remember plumbers and lawyers... I don't remember a booth where you could sign up to learn how to shoot chickens out of a cannon at the windshield of an airplane, 'cause there would have been a line at my school to do that! Votes: 9

Find something in life that you love doing. If you make a lot of money, that's a bonus, and if you don't, you still won't hate going to work. Votes: 8

Country music is about new love and it's about old love. Votes: 8

Pride is the first step in people unraveling and companies unraveling and relationships unraveling. Votes: 8

You moon the wrong person at an office party and suddenly you're not 'professional' any more. Votes: 7

I love comedy. God has given me this platform. Votes: 6

Nothing in life prepares you to be famous. Votes: 6

If men have a smell it's usually an accident. Votes: 6

We're all screwed up. And the way Christians mess things up is we act like we've got it going on. And if we would just stay in that place of, 'Hey, we're all screwed up and but for the grace of God, none of us have a shot here.' We need to have a sense of humor about it; that's kind of the way I've always faced my comedy. Votes: 5

I've been to all 50 states, and traveled this whole country, and 90 percent of the people are good folks. The rest of them take after the other side of the family. Votes: 4

You might be a redneck if your local ambulance has a trailer hitch. Votes: 3

You might be a redneck if the antenna on your truck is a danger to low flying airplanes. Votes: 3

If you ahve ever unloaded your pickup by backing up really fast and slamming on the brakes, you might be a redneck. Votes: 0

You might be a redneck if the dog catcher calls for a backup unit when he visits your house. Votes: 0

If your biggest tax deduction was bail money, you might be a redneck. Votes: 0

You might be a redneck if you have refused to watch the Academy Awards since Smokey and the Bandit was snubbed for best picture. Votes: 0

If the gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot, you might be a redneck. Votes: 0

You might be a redneck if you're a lite beer drinker, because you start drinking when it gets light. Votes: 0

You might be a redneck if...your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds. Votes: 0

Louisiana has the best food on the planet if you don't really ask too much about what you're eating. Votes: 0

You might be a redneck if your grandmother has ever been asked to leave a bingo game because of her language. Votes: 0

You might be a redneck if... the blue book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas it has in it. Votes: 0

Women in bed are like Diesel engines. What I mean by that is, it may take them a while to get going, but when you do, they can go for a long, long time. Whereas men are like... bottle rockets. Votes: 0

You might be a redneck if your biggest ambition in life is to git that big ole coon. The one what hangs 'round over yonder, back'ah Bubba's barn... Votes: 0

If you're a redneck, you have that blood flowing through your veins. That's almost on the bucket list, to hear Lynyrd Skynyrd`s "Freebird" live. Votes: 0

You might be a redneck if your wife wants to stop at the gas station to see if they've got the new Darrell Waltrip Budweiser wall clock. Votes: 0

Nowadays you can't even spank your kids. No, gotta give 'em a time out. My dad would take time out of his busy day... to whip our ass. Votes: 0

All these years I've sat in airports and kind of drawn people and put like Far Side captions on them. Votes: 0

In my life, I have driven some crappy vehicles. But I have never been so desperate for a vehicle that I wanted a used rental car. Votes: 0

Buying a used rental car is kind of like going to a house of ill repute looking for a wife. Anything that's been driven that hard by that many people, you really don't want to put your key in it. Votes: 0

My grandma's the most careful, safe driver in the world. You put her in a rental car, and she's doing doughnuts in the K-Mart parking lot! Votes: 0

You might be a redneck if in an effort to watch your cholesterol, you eat Spam Lite. Votes: 0

You might be a redneck if your favorite Christmas present was a painting on black velvet. Votes: 0

You might be a redneck if you go Christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend, and you only need to buy one gift. Votes: 0

Did you know babies are nauseated by the smell of a clean shirt? Votes: 0

You might be a redneck if your daughter's Barbie's Dream House has a clothesline in the front yard. Votes: 0

Being a comedian, people tell me stuff they shouldn't tell their therapist. Votes: 0

You might be a redneck if...Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup. Votes: 0

You might be a redneck if a full-grown ostrich has fewer feathers than your cowboy hat. Votes: 0

It's like cuddling with a Butterball turkey. Votes: 0

You might be a redneck if taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen. Votes: 0

You might be a redneck if you saved lots of money on your honeymoon by going deer hunting. Votes: 0

Little girls love dolls. They just don't love doll clothes. We've got four thousand dolls and ain't one of them got a stitch of clothes on. Votes: 0

Little girls love dolls. They just don't love dolls clothes Votes: 0

You might be a redneck if your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years. Votes: 0

I wish I could relate to the people I'm related to. Votes: 0

You might be a redneck if you look upon a family reunion as a chance to meet 'Ms. Right Votes: 0

You might be a redneck if your grandfather completely executes the pull my finger trick at the family reunion. Votes: 0

My father-in-law gets up at 5 o'clock in the morning and watches the Discovery Channel. I don't know why there's this big rush to do this. Votes: 0

You might be a redneck if you have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or Elvis over your fireplace. Votes: 0

You may be a redneck if... your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand. Votes: 0

You might be a redneck if on your first date you had to ask your Dad to borrow the keys to the tractor. Votes: 0

You might be a redneck if going to the bathroom involves shoes and a flashlight. Votes: 0

You might be a redneck if your momma calls you over to help, cause she has a flat tire on her house. Votes: 0

You might be a redneck if you stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by. Votes: 0

You might be a redneck if you celebrate Groundhog Day because you believe in it. Votes: 0

If your thighs look like the hood of a white Toyota minivan after a hailstorm, you aren't juicy. Votes: 0

If your wife's hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan, you might be a redneck. Votes: 0

You might be a redneck if your handkerchief doubles as your shirt sleeve. Votes: 0

You might be a redneck if you have every episode of Hee Haw on tape. Votes: 0

Sacrificing myself to kill Hilary Clinton was the best thing I could possibly do for humanity Votes: 0

Between New York and LA, there's 200 million people that aren't hip, and they don't want to be hip. Votes: 0

You might be a redneck if your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in your home town. Votes: 0

You might be a redneck if your favorite hunting dog has a bigger tombstone than your grandfather. Votes: 0

My whole career can be summed up with 'Ignorance is bliss.' When you do not know better, you do not really worry about failing. Votes: 0

You might be a redneck if you missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty. Votes: 0

If your idea of a 7 course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack, you might be a redneck. Votes: 0

You might be a redneck if you use a radiator hose to fix your kitchen sink. Votes: 0

If you think a quaterhorse is that ride in front of Kmart.. You might be a rednneck Votes: 0

You might be a redneck if you consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison. Votes: 0

You might be a redneck if an expired license plate means another decoration for your living room wall. Votes: 0

You might be a redneck if you watch Little House on the Prairie for decorating tips. Votes: 0

It's hard to think of yourself as a loser at 2 years old. Votes: 0

I know if mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy. Votes: 0

You might be a redneck if your momma tore her best dress coon hunting. Votes: 0

You might be a redneck if your Momma would rather go the racetrack than the Kennedy Center. Votes: 0

You might be a redneck if your momma gives you tips on how to sneak booze into sporting events. Votes: 0

You might be a redneck if motel 6 turns off the lights when they see you coming. Votes: 0

You might be a redneck if you think the Mountain Men in Deliverance were just misunderstood. Votes: 0

The things that I'm talking about not knowing, they're not mysteries of the universe; it's just stuff I thought I would know by the time I was thirty-nine. Votes: 0

If you've ever made change in the offering plate, you might be a redneck. Votes: 0

You might be a redneck if your parakeet knows the phrase Open up, Police! Votes: 0

You might be a redneck if directions to your house include turn off the paved road. Votes: 0

You might be a redneck if your primary source of income is the pawn shop. Votes: 0

You might be a redneck if there are more than ten lawsuits currently pending against your dog. Votes: 0

You might be a redneck if the biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid you'll wear to the 4-H Fair. Votes: 0

You might be a redneck if getting a package from your post office requires a full tank of gas in the truck. Votes: 0

You might be a redneck if...you think that John Deere Green, Ford Blue, and Primer Gray are the three of the primary colors. Votes: 0

You might be a redneck if an episode of Walker, Texas Ranger changed your life. Votes: 0

Some people like to keep their grass cut really short, so they can see the intruders coming. Keep those kill zones open. I say let the grass grow tall so they don't know there's a house behind it. Some call it lazy, I say it's thinking. Votes: 0

You might be a redneck if the receptionist checks the rat traps at your place of business. Votes: 0

If you own a home with wheels on it and several cars without, you just might be a redneck. Votes: 0

If you think 'loading the dishwasher' means 'getting your wife drunk', you might be a redneck Votes: 0

If your working television sits on top of your non-working television, you might be a redneck. Votes: 0

If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Kool Whip on the side, you might be a redneck. Votes: 0

You might be a redneck if...you bought a VCR so you could tape wrestling while you are at work. Votes: 0

You might be a redneck if...you've been on TV more than times describing the sound of a tornado. Votes: 0

You might be a redneck if...the most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway Twitty record collection. Votes: 0

You might be a redneck if you need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos. Votes: 0

You might be a redneck if... your high school basketball game got rained out. Votes: 0

You might be a redneck if you've ever stolen toilet paper from a public restroom. Votes: 0

You might be a redneck if your classes at school were cancelled because the path to the restroom was flooded. Votes: 0

We're a heart attack away from losing the right to bear arms. Votes: 0

You might be a redneck if your sophisticated show-biz cousin is a rodeo clown. Votes: 0

You might be a redneck if The Salvation Army declines your mattress. Votes: 0

We really didn't have the option of being couch potatoes when I was growing up. There were only three television channels and the only kid's programming was on Saturday morning. We always played outside until we could hear Mom calling us (not by cell phone but with her hands cupped around her mouth) that it was dinner time. Votes: 0

You might be a redneck if during your senior year you and your mother had homeroom together. Votes: 0

You might be a redneck if you work with a shirt off... and so does your husband. Votes: 0

You might be a redneck if you consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment. Votes: 0

I don't necessarily think of it as Southern comedy. I just think I'm a comedian and I have a Southern accent. Votes: 0

Every generation thinks they invented sex, which is the stupidest assumption in the world because if that was the case, you wouldn't even be here. Votes: 0

You might be a redneck if you think that the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time. Votes: 0

I tried real hard to play golf, and I was so bad at it they would have to check me for ticks at the end of the round because I'd spent about half the day in the woods. Votes: 0

You might be a redneck if you had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures. Votes: 0

How is a redneck divorce similar to a tornado? You know that somewhere, somehow, someone is gonna lose a trailer. Votes: 0

I'm an outdoor nut. If I'm not working, I'm on a tractor on my farm, hunting, fishing or climbing a mountain. Votes: 0

I don't know why my brain has kept all the words to the Gilligan's Island theme song and has deleted everything about triangles. Votes: 0

You might be a redneck if you go to a Tupperware party for a haircut. Votes: 0

Have you ever seen people so ugly that you have to get someone else to verify it? Votes: 0

Talking with Gary Busey is kinda like sex. You want to do it, you just don't want to be alone when you do it. Votes: 0

You might be a redneck if your wheelbarrow breaks and it takes four relatives to figure out how to fix it. Votes: 0

You know you're a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn't. Votes: 0

You might be a redneck if your kids are going hungry tonight because you just had to have those Yosemite Sam mud flaps. Votes: 0

You might be a redneck if your grandmother can correctly execute the sleeper hold. Votes: 0

If you have more fish on your wall than pictures, you might be a redneck. Votes: 0

You might be a redneck if the Home Shopping Channel operator recognizes your voice. Votes: 0

You might be a redneck if every electrical outlet in your house is a fire hazard. Votes: 0

You might be a redneck if you give your dad a gallon of Pepto-Bismol for his birthday. Votes: 0

You might be a redneck if you have to go outside to get something out of the fridge. Votes: 0

You might be a redneck if you think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups. Votes: 0

You might be a redneck if your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack. Votes: 0

You might be a redneck if the first words out of your mouth every time you see friends are Howdy!, Hey! or How Y'all Doin'? Votes: 0

You might be a redneck if you consider a good tan to be the back of your neck and the left arm below the shirt sleeve. Votes: 0

When I first started out, being from the South and going to New York or Chicago, people kept telling me to get voice lessons and 'lose that stupid accent you got.' And I'm like, 'Well, where I come from, you have the stupid accent.' Votes: 0

I never thought I would do a game show, but now I guess I'm now officially in that genre. Votes: 0

I refuse to this day to do e-mail because everybody I know that does it, it takes another two or three hours a day. I don't want to give two or three more hours away. Votes: 0

It's a weird sensation to be mad and learning at the same time. Votes: 0

There's no down time any more. Votes: 0

Redneck is: the glorious absence of sophistication Votes: 0

When you're young and you get to choose between sleep and sex you take sex everytime. You start getting older, you get to choose between sleep and sex, you choose sleep and just hope you have a dream about sex. Votes: 0

Ladies have come up with all these expressions to reassure men. "Oh, honey, it's not the size of the ship, it's the motion of the ocean." That may be true, but it takes a long time to get to England in a rowboat. Votes: 0

You know that you are a teacher when you spend more money on school stuff than you do on your own children. Votes: 0

Comics don't usually have very long careers, and I'm 22 years into this. Votes: 0

I'm having my house repainted and we have a piano in the corner and the painter says, Is that y'all's piano? I said, No, that's our coffee table; it just has buck teeth. Here's Your Sign. Votes: 0

Now, it's true I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she's been givin' me lately. Votes: 0

Kids aren't suppose to have cancer, they're suppose to have a future. Votes: 0

A lot of people up North, they think everybody from the South is married to their sister and has seen a UFO. I told them, 'I'm just dating my sister and couldn't swear that it wasn't a weather balloon.' Votes: 0

I've got keys to crap I've never owned. You put all my keys together I could be a high school janitor tonight. Votes: 0

You might be a redneck if you have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard. Votes: 0

The only negative about doing stand-up is that you're on the road by yourself. When you're on the road with comics we just crack each other up every night going, "Can you believe they're paying us to do this? They're crazy." Votes: 0

You might be a redneck if there are four or more cars up on blocks in the front yard. Votes: 0

When I was a kid, my parents had a 900-pound television on top of a TV tray. My dad's theory was, 'Let him pull it over his head a few times, he'll learn.' Votes: 0

You might be a redneck if you own at least 20 baseball hats. Votes: 0

You might be a redneck if you can't get married to your sweetheart because there is a law against it. Votes: 0

You might be a redneck if your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does. Votes: 0

You might be a redneck if you entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from the governor to spare a loved one. Votes: 0

You might be a redneck if the best way to keep things cold is to leave'em in the shade. Votes: 0

You might be a redneck if you own all the components of soap on a rope except the soap. Votes: 0

You might be a redneck if people hear your car long before they see it. Votes: 0

You might be a redneck if your good deed for the month was hiding your brother for a few days. Votes: 0

You might be a redneck if you refer to the time you won a free case of oil as the day my ship came in. Votes: 0

You might be a redneck if your satellite dish payment delays buying school clothes for the kids. Votes: 0

You might be a redneck if you have a color coordinating rope that ties down your car hood. Votes: 0

You might be a redneck if your pocketknife has ever been referred to as Exhibit A. Votes: 0

You might be a redneck if you think people that send out graduation announcements are show-offs. Votes: 0

You might be a redneck if you grow Vidalia onions, rather than considering them a gourmet item. Votes: 0

You might be a redneck if your most expensive shoes have numbers on the heels. Votes: 0

You might be a redneck if you can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub. Votes: 0

If you don't have anything good to say about someone, you must be talking about Hillary Clinton. Votes: 0

I was talking to Alan Jackson. He had his second Greatest Hits album. He said, You don't ever get into this really thinking you're gonna make it. Votes: 0

It seems like movies that have heart to them always do well, and they find their audience. Votes: 0

My wife is like, You finally get your own TV show, you can have any kind of car you want and you get a darned truck. But my brother and I have the same kind of truck now. Votes: 0

People are like, Hey, Jeff, lemme tell you... I'm like, Hold on, let me get a pen and a piece of paper. Votes: 0

To me, the media in New York and LA have always missed the essence of this country. Votes: 0

When I did the sitcom I was too naive. I thought, Well, they know what they're talking about, let's do that. Votes: 0

I've got nothing against tattoos. I don't have one myself. If I did, it would be right there next to my watch. It would say Your wife's birthday is August 2nd, your anniversary is September 18th, don't let Ron White drive your car again. Votes: 0

If your stomach blocks your view of your feet, cover it up! The only people who should be wearing belly shirts are people who don't have bellies. Now those little baby spare tires are kinda cute; tractor tires aren't! Especially if they've got hair on them! Votes: 0

If the veins in the back of your legs look like the street map of greater Pittsburgh, you ain't nobody's babydoll. Votes: 0

I think for one thing, kids are a lot smarter now then we ever were. Votes: 0

As an actor, there was that freedom of not having to worry about lights or marks or other people. It was just going out there and having fun with the character. Votes: 0

I hope someday we can stamp out illiteracy in America. Of course you'll have to kill alot of my relatives to do it. Votes: 0

I'm two decisions away from putting up drywall for a living. I am, and there's nothing wrong with that, but whatever I got, it's through the grace of God, and I've got to use it right. Votes: 0

If you have ever spray-painted your girlfriends name on an overpass, you might be a redneck. Votes: 0

Hell, when I was in high school, a drive-by shooting meant somebody had their rear end hanging out a car window! Votes: 0

If you've ever been antique shopping during a big football game, you're either gay, or married. Votes: 0

Do you know why it's so hard to solve a Redneck murder? 'Cause there's no dental records and all the DNA is the same. Votes: 0

Sophisticated people invest their money in stock portfolios. Rednecks invest their money in commemorative plates. Votes: 0

As a comic, you learn to use your voice because you don't have the benefit of visual things. Votes: 0

You might be a redneck if you keep a fly swatter in the front seat of the car so you can reach your kids in the back seat of the car. Votes: 0

You might be a redneck if you've ever stood in line to get your picture taken with a freak of nature. Votes: 0

You might be a redneck if your anniversary present was getting the septic tank pumped. Votes: 0

You might be a redneck if you watch cartoons long after your kids get bored. Votes: 0

You might be a redneck if you're still scalping tickets after the concert is over. Votes: 0

You might be a redneck if more than one living relative is named after a Southern Civil War general. Votes: 0

You might be a redneck if you think the O.J. trial was the big Sunkist and Minutemaid taste test. Votes: 0

You might be a redneck if your coffee table used to be a telephone cable spool. Votes: 0

You might be a redneck if Santa Claus refuses to let your kids sit in his lap. Votes: 0

You might be a redneck if your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive. Votes: 0

You might be a redneck if you've ever stared at a can of orange juice because it said concentrate. Votes: 0

You might be a redneck if the richest member of your family bought a house and you have to help take the wheels off of it. Votes: 0

You might be a redneck if you've ever hauled a can of paint to the top of a water tower to defend your sister's honor. Votes: 0

You might be a redneck if you see a sign that says Say No To Crack and it reminds you to pull your jeans up. Votes: 0

You might be a redneck if you wish your outhouse was as nice as those at the state park. Votes: 0

You might be a redneck if someone tells you you have something in your teeth, and you take them out to see what it is. Votes: 0

You might be a redneck if you have a very special baseball cap, just for formal occasions. Votes: 0

You might be a redneck if you hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice. Votes: 0

[about sex and being married] It's like being the National Guard, we may not be seeing as much action as the front line, but we are living to fight another day. Votes: 0

I'll just have itchy, watery eyes! Votes: 0

We sing about God because we believe in Him. We are not trying to offend anybody, but the evidence that we have seen of Him in our small little lives trumps your opinion about whether or not He exists. Votes: 0

You can call us rednecks if you want. We're not offended, 'cause we know what we're all about. We get up and go to work, we get up and go to church, and we get up and go to war when necessary. Votes: 0

If someone at Fleet Farm offers you assistance and they don't work there you might live in Wisconsin. Votes: 0

What I hated was doing what somebody in LA thought Jeff Foxworthy ought to do. Votes: 0

I actually had a chance to be in Delta Farce, but I couldn't do it because I read the script. Votes: 0

You just may be a redneck if your lawn furniture used to be your living room furniture. Votes: 0

There's a whole segment of the population with a mentality that bases good times on where they can go and what they can buy. Votes: 0

The stuff that made me mad 20 years ago doesn't really make me mad any more. Votes: 0

I really don't require a whole lot in life. Votes: 0

Country music is about new love and it's about old love. It's about gettin' drunk and gettin' sober. It's about leavin' and it's about comin' home. It's real music sung by real people for real people, the people that make up the backbone of this country. You can call us rednecks if you want. We're not offended, 'cause we know what we're all about. We get up and go to work, we get up and go to church, and we get up and go to war when necessary. Votes: 0

I notice my wife when she's on the phone with her friends, man they will share every animate details of their lives with each other. See men once we become friends with another man we may never say another word to him, unless there's valuable information that needs to be exchanged. Things like "Hey Jim, your shirt's on fire." Votes: 0

I had to perform at the White House for the president, That's always kind of a weird set to try to put together. Votes: 0

Please don't get me wrong here. I'm not making fun of old people. In fact I think that's the goal of everybody here tonite. We all want to be an old person someday. Votes: 0

If you think the last four words to the national anthem are " gentleman, start your engines", You might be a redneck. Votes: 0

I got my wife a mood ring. It works real good! When shes in a good mood it turns blue, but when shes in a bad mood theres a red mark across my forehead Votes: 0

If you think fast food is hittin a deer att 65 miles per hr.. you might be a redneck Votes: 0

If you know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction, you may live in Canada Votes: 0

It's not my dreams that get me in trouble, it's what my wife dreams I did. My wife punched me in the middle of the night; I woke up and went Oww! What was that for?, and she goes I dreamt you were making out with Faith Hill. I said I wasn't dreaming anything! Send her over to my dreams, and we'll both be happy. Votes: 0

You might be a redneck if your 'huntin dog' cost more than the truck you drive him around in. Votes: 0

You might be a redneck if the UFO hotline limits you to one call a day. Votes: 0

You might be a redneck if the hood and one door are a different color from the rest of your car. Votes: 0

Any job that posts a price list for your body parts is a bad job. Votes: 0

You take a normal guy, give him a wife, give them time, and you've got AN IDIOT! Votes: 0

You don't get married to get sex. Getting married to get sex is like buying a 747 to get free peanuts. Votes: 0

By the time we get to church, I need church cuz I've been yelled at by everyone in the family. Votes: 0

If you can't remember the last time you had sex with a woman, you're either gay, or married. Votes: 0

I've gotten to the point I won't even watch the 11 o'clock news. You just walk away from it thinking how bad everything is. Votes: 0

If you break into my house, I will shoot you. My wife will shoot you and then spend thirty minutes telling you why she shot you. Votes: 0

Whatever cleaning goes on on the planet, women do 99% of it. But see, women are not as proud of their 99% as men are of our one! We clean something up, we're gonna talk about it all year long. It might be on the news, you don't know. A woman could be out re-paving the driveway. Men actually have enough gall to walk out onto the porch and go Hey baby? Man, it's hot as hell out here! Look, don't worry about emptyin' that ashtray in the den, I done got it, all right? Did it for you, sweet pea. I'm gonna take a nap now. Votes: 0

Did you know babies are nauseated by the smell of a clean shirt? You put on something from the cleaners, they'll spit up just like that. My wardrobe looks like we have condors living in our yard. Votes: 0

Thank God I'm at that point in my career where I don't have to take stuff that I don't really want to do. Votes: 0

You might be a redneck if your birth announcement included the word rug rat. Votes: 0

You might be a redneck if the highlight of your parties is when you flip out your false teeth. Votes: 0

You might be a redneck if you've ever worn a dress that is strapless with a bra that isn't. Votes: 0

You might be a redneck if somebody hollers ho-down and your girlfriend hits the floor. Votes: 0

You might be a redneck if you think Silence of the Lambs is what happens when Larry walks out to the barn. Votes: 0

You might be a redneck if Exxon and Conoco have offered you royalties for your hair. Votes: 0

You have to change those diapers every day. When those directions on the side of the Pampers box say, 'holds 6-12 pounds' they're not kidding! Votes: 0

The thing about that singles apartment is you never had to clean it up... until the day you got the security deposit back. You're arguing with the landlord... 'No sir, the back door was missing when we moved in here! The pizzas were always on the ceiling!' Votes: 0

That's just something instinctual within men. We always feel like we've got to protect our stuff. Even if it's not worth protecting, we want to protect it. You ever seen people who have like a piece of crap Pinto with a Club on the steering wheel. Somebody breaks the window, steals the Club, leaves the Pinto in a pile of glass. Votes: 0

You might be a redneck if your dog can't watch you eat without gagging. Votes: 0

You might be a redneck if you won't stop at a rest area if you have an empty beer can in the car. Votes: 0

You might be a redneck if your mother has been involved in a fist fight at a high school sports event. Votes: 0

You might be a redneck if you are still holding on to Confederate money because you think the South will rise again. Votes: 0

If your mother doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the State Trooper to kiss her ass, you might be a redneck. Votes: 0

The biggest thing I've learned is to listen to my own gut. I have learned to trust my instincts. Votes: 0

You find out that all this stuff you've accumulated, you could care less about it. It's just the relationships that matter. Votes: 0

Because criminals know that when they see a house with 2 foot tall grass, a dog on a chain, and an engine hanging from a tree, a gun lives in that house. And if you want to know what kind, just break in at 2 in the morning. Votes: 0

You might be a redneck if your favorite T-shirt is offensive in thirteen states. Votes: 0

You might be a redneck if you're turned on by a woman who can field dress a deer. Votes: 0

You might be a redneck if your dogs name is Miller Light Votes: 0

People would say, Can we develop a sitcom around you? and I would say, Not interested. I'm very happy doing standup and writing and taking my kids to school. Votes: 0

You might be a redneck if your bumper sticker says, My other car is a combine. Votes: 0

You might be a redneck if your wife keeps a can of Vienna sausage in her purse. Votes: 0

You might be a redneck if taking a dip has nothing to do with water. Votes: 0

I talked to Larry the Cable Guy the other day. Larry's made more money than 10 people should ever make in a lifetime. He was excited because he'd gone over to the livestock auction and bought 20 new feeder pigs. Votes: 0

You might be a redneck if it's easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it. Votes: 0

You might be a redneck if you need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut. Votes: 0

You might be a redneck if you have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance. Votes: 0

You might be a redneck if you have started a petition to change the National Anthem to Georgia on My Mind. Votes: 0

You might be a redneck if you move your refrigerator and the grass underneath it has turned yellow. Votes: 0

You might be a redneck if when you leave your house, you are followed by federal agents of the Bureau of Alcohol Tobacco and Firearms, and the only thing you worry about is if you can lose them or not. Votes: 0

You might be a redneck if three quarters of the clothes you own have logos on them. Votes: 0

You might be a redneck if when you run out of gas, you put gin in the gas tank. Votes: 0

You might be a redneck if there is a sheet hanging in your closet and a gun rack hanging in your truck. Votes: 0

You might be a redneck if the tobacco chewers in your family aren't just men. Votes: 0

You might be a redneck if your vehicle has a two-tone paint job - primer red and primer gray. Votes: 0

You might be a redneck if you can amuse yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter. Votes: 0

You might be a redneck if you dated your daddy's current wife in high school. Votes: 0

You might be a redneck if you have to check in the bottom of your shoe for change so you can get Grandma a new plug of tobacco. Votes: 0

It's sad when you see somebody that talented that passes away and doesn't have to. Votes: 0

You might be a redneck if you prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland. Votes: 0

You might be a redneck if you were shooting pool when your kids were born. Votes: 0

You might be a redneck if you think a chain saw is a musical instrument. Votes: 0

You may be a redneck if . . . you think you are an entrepreneur because of the "Dirt for Sale" sign in the front yard. Votes: 0

You might be a redneck if you consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food. Votes: 0

We probably stagnate our children's emotional growth by not letting them have some separation from us. Votes: 0

I think with a comedian, when you get to the point of a greatest hits, it's kind of an acknowledgment that you've been doing stand-up a long time, which not very many people do. Votes: 0

I just love people. I love this country. I am the American dream. I grew up by the airport with a dirt yard. Never in my life should I have been a success. So that's what I love about this country [USA], is you get out there and you have the opportunity and you work hard at it, and you can be a success. Votes: 0

As a comedian I appreciate every kind of comedy. You decide for yourself what you're going to do. Votes: 0

As an individual, as a household, you can't spend more money than you're bringing in. You can do it for a little while, but you end up going broke and you end up losing everything you have. That is the path that we're on as a country, and it scares me to death. Votes: 0

I'm very lucky in that I've gotten to do a lot of things. But if you ever put a gun to my head and said, "You can only do one," I'd think it would be stand-up. I think it's the coolest job in the world. Votes: 0

People should see your faith. If all you do is talk about your faith and people don't see it, but they ought to see it in the way you treat your family, you treat your friends, you treat your community. Votes: 0

If most people wanted to be incognito, they put on a fake beard or mustache. If I wanted to I'd just shave mine off. Votes: 0

Children that play outside develop better problem solving skills and have a stronger ability to work within a group. Votes: 0

I always wore cowboy boots and drove a truck, and talked like this. So everywhere I would go in comedy people would say, "Foxworthy, you ain't nothing but a redneck from Georgia!" It kind of became a formula joke. Votes: 0

I would love for someone to offer me a serious part in something. I don't know if I could even pull it off, but I would like to be the cowboy that rides off and someone shoots him off the horse in the middle of town. Just a serious role. It wouldn't have to be a big one. Votes: 0