You can find my book at your favorite bookstore, and if it isn't there, find a new favorite. Votes: 11
Never floss with a stranger. Votes: 11
Comedy is learning to be funny, and you learn to be funny in small rooms with young audiences. Votes: 6
Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present. Votes: 2
I am furious about everything. Votes: 0
I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.' Votes: 0
I've learned you don't always listen to your agents and managers. Sometimes they know nothing. Votes: 0
I've always been salaried; I've never owned anything. I've done very well, lived very well. Votes: 0
My mother told me 'man on top, woman underneath.' For years my husband & I slept in bunk beds. Votes: 0
You know it's time to start using mouthwash when your dentist leaves the room and sends in a canary. Votes: 0
I started my career in a town so small the local clinic was called Fred's Hospital and Grill. Votes: 0
You're college graduates now, so use your education. Remember: It's not who you know, it's whom. Votes: 0
I have no sex appeal and it has screwed me up for life; my gynecologist examines me by telephone. Votes: 0
A woman went to a plastic surgeon and asked him to make her like Bo Derek. He gave her a lobotomy. Votes: 0
That girl had a great way of making friends, and strangers, and anyone else who was around. Votes: 0
I wear the midi because I feel if you're going to look ugly, you may as well look this year's ugly. Votes: 0
I don't excercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor Votes: 0
My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks. Votes: 0
I am never honored. My career is hilarious to me. I am either under the radar or over the radar. Votes: 0
I don't excercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor. Votes: 0
I'm always shocked when I get an invitation. People are always shocked when they see me at a party. Votes: 0
It's feast or famine in showbiz. Votes: 0
[When told that her grandchild had her nose:] I didn't get this nose until I was thirty-four. Votes: 0
Oprah Winfrey is so powerful that she had the Rapture postponed until after her final show airs. Votes: 0
You know why I feel older? I went to buy sexy underwear and they automatically gift wrapped it. Votes: 0
Self-pity shortens your life ... Votes: 0
I was my own buddy in camp. Votes: 0
The psychic scars caused by believing that you are ugly leave a permanent mark on your personality. Votes: 0
Having a baby can be a scream. Votes: 0
Don't cook. Don't clean. No man will ever make love to a woman because she waxed the linoleum. Votes: 0
I use a smoke alarm as a timer. Votes: 0
Last night I asked my husband, 'What's your favorite sexual position?' and he said, 'Next door.' Votes: 0
[Signature phrase:] Can we talk? Votes: 0
Edgar had a heart attack, and I'm to blame. We were making love, and I took the bag off my head. Votes: 0
Some women take up the law and become lawyers. Other women lay down the law and become wives. Votes: 0
Having my daughter I screamed for twenty-three hours straight. And that was just during conception. Votes: 0
I'm never without a bandage. Votes: 0
Never floss a stranger. Votes: 0
Never buy a fur from a vegetarian. Votes: 0
Better laid than never. Votes: 0
Happiness, at my age, is breathing Votes: 0
Looking 50 is great, if you're 60. Votes: 0
I was not an attractive child. Votes: 0
I was getting dressed and a peeping tom looked in the window, took a look and pulled down the shade. Votes: 0