Top quotes by Jon Stewart

I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land. Votes: 30

More than 150 heads of state attended the UN Summit, giving New Yorkers a chance to get in touch with prejudices they didn't even know they had. Votes: 25

If the events of September 11, 2001, have proven anything, it's that the terrorists can attack us, but they can't take away what makes us American - our freedom, our liberty, our civil rights. No, only Attorney General John Ashcroft can do that. Votes: 25

Many of our soldiers are stationed at Camp Coyote just south of the Iraqi border. This is how you know we have a strong army, when you can actually tell your enemy exactly where your camp is and what its name is. Votes: 19

The Westboro Baptist Church is no more a church than Church's Fried Chicken is a church. Votes: 19

I'm thrilled to be asked to host the Academy Awards for the second time because, as they say, the third time's a charm. Votes: 18

Here's the point - you're looking at affirmative action, and you're looking at marijuana. You legalize marijuana, no need for quotas, because really, who's gonna wanna work? Votes: 18

I'm too short to host a late-night talk show. It's like the bar at an amusement-park ride. You have to be six foot two or over. Votes: 16

I'm not just a boy toy. I have feelings and dreams like anybody else. Votes: 14

I don't care about wealth. What seems to be upsetting is institutionalizing the advantages that wealth gives you. Votes: 14

Most world religions denounced war as a barbaric waste of human life. We treasured the teachings of these religions so dearly that we frequently had to wage war in order to impose them on other people. Votes: 14

By the way, when you finish the bottle of Crown Royal, you can still use the pouch to hold your broken dreams. Votes: 14

Why is it that if you take advantage of a corporate tax break you're a smart businessman, but if you take advantage of something so you don't go hungry, you're a moocher? Votes: 12

Our culture is just a series of checks and balances. The whole idea that we're in a battle between tyranny and freedom - it's a series of pendulum swings. Votes: 11

The Internet is just a world passing around notes in a classroom. Votes: 11

President Bush announced his new economic plan. The centerpiece was a proposed repeal of the dividend tax on stocks, a boon that could be worth millions of dollars to average Americans. Well, average stock-owning Americans. Technically, Americans who own a significant amount of shares in dividend-dealing companies. Well, rich people, that's what I'm trying to say. They're going to do really well with this. Votes: 11

A joke is a joke. There's an expression - I don't know if you have it - that's 'adding insult to injury.' Votes: 10

I've always liked Atlanta. And not just for the strip clubs, but the shopping and the food. Votes: 10

There is no such thing as an impartial jury because there are no impartial people. There are people that argue on the web for hours about who their favorite character on 'Friends' is. Votes: 9

The only time a politico will try to avoid playing the blame game is when they or theirs are to blame. Votes: 9

If you watch the news and don't like it, then this is your counter program to the news. Votes: 8

Despite his infirmities, Strom Thurmond showed up to work every day and did not miss a Senate vote in his final year, though no one is sure if a shouted 'Bingo!' counted as a yea or a nay. Votes: 8

Don't you dare besmirch the name of Congress. They are patriotic Americans trying to dress and feed themselves. Votes: 6

Body hair. You know when you're swimming as a kid and you want to crawl on your dad? None of us went anywhere near him. 'My god, a beaver! Everyone out of the pool! Votes: 6

McVeigh's lawyer got him the death penalty, which, quite frankly, I could have done. Votes: 5

I don't have a sort of Amway-esque chart up on my refrigerator or anything. Votes: 5

The (Supreme Court) ruling that anyone who's arrested -- even accidentally -- can be strip-searched was decided five to four, with the votes for the searches coming from the Court's five conservatives. You know -- the 'defending personal liberty' guys. Which is weird because I'm not a constitutional scholar, but I'm willing to bet Big Government feels it's biggest when it's inside your anus. Votes: 3

Oh press - must you spread hate? Can't you just stick to being wrong? Votes: 3

The best-laid plans of mice and comedians usually wind up on the cutting-room floor. Votes: 3

Fire up your heart for the wind is getting cold, now it always gets cold for the riders of the night. When you carry that dream when you know what lonesome is looking for a home like a bird in flight. Votes: 3

My life is a series of Hollywood orgies and Kabbalah center brunches with the cast of Friends. At least that's what my handlers tell me. I'm actually too valuable to live my own life and spend most of my days in a vegetable crisper to remain fake news anchor fresh. Votes: 0

When in doubt, I can stare blankly. The rubber face. There's only so many ways you can stare incredulously at the camera and tilt an eyebrow, but that's your old standby: What would Buster Keaton do? Votes: 0

I've been to Canada, and I've always gotten the impression that I could take the country over in about two days. Votes: 0

Watching Fox, that's like watching the Cartoon Network. Fox is nuts. Votes: 0

The Supreme Court ruled that disabled golfer Casey Martin has a legal right to ride in a golf cart between shots at PGA Tour events. Man, the next thing you know, they're going to have some guy carry his clubs around for him. Votes: 0

It's not that the Democrats are playing checkers and the Republicans are playing chess. It's that the Republicans are playing chess and the Democrats are in the nurse's office because once again they glued their balls to their thighs. Votes: 0

I watch a lot of astronaut movies....Mostly Star Wars. And even Han and Chewie use a checklist. Votes: 0

Who cares how we avoided a war and got a dictator to give up his chemical weapons if we avoided a war and got a dictator to give up his chemical weapons. Votes: 0

They always throw around this term 'the liberal elite.' And I kept thinking to myself about the Christian right. What's more elite than believing that only you will go to heaven? Votes: 0

Nothing brings closure to a campaign like opening it up again. Votes: 0

Why do I have to follow CNN on Twitter? If I want to follow CNN, I can follow them on CNN. Votes: 0

You're on CNN. The show that leads into me is puppets making crank phone calls. What is wrong with you? Votes: 0

Yesterday, the president met with a group he calls the coalition of the willing. Or, as the rest of the world calls them, Britain and Spain. Votes: 0

Love what you do. Get good at it. Competence is a rare commodity in this day and age. And let the chips fall where they may. Votes: 0

College is something you complete. Life is something you experience. So don't worry about your grade, or the results or success. Success is defined in myriad ways, and you will find it, and people will no longer be grading you, but it will come from your own internal sense of decency. Votes: 0

College is something you complete. Life is something you experience. Votes: 0

Does anyone know... does the Christian persecution complex have an expiration date? Because... uh... you've all been in charge pretty much since... uh... what was that guys name... Constantine. He converted in, what was it, 312 A.D. I'm just saying, enjoy your success. Votes: 0

Bush proposed a constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage. Some saw the move as an attempt to preserve traditional values, while others saw it as a cynical ploy to ensure that Vice President... Cheney will never have to pay for his gay daughter's wedding. Votes: 0

Why did the Articles [of Confederation] fail so completely? Most historians believe the founding fathers spent a great deal of their first constitutional convention drafting the delaration of independence and only realized on July 3rd the Articles were also due. Votes: 0

If the president is the head of the American body politic, Congress is its gastrointestinal tract. Its vast and convoluted inner workings may be mysterious and unpleasant, but in the end they excrete a great deal of material whose successful passage is crucial to our nation's survival. This is Congress's duty. Votes: 0

They have to put Trump on every program, spewing his crazy ideas, because his poll numbers are so high. And his poll numbers are so high because they put him on every program, spewing his crazy ideas. Votes: 0

At first the difference will be in whatever atmosphere I bring into it. It's not going to be like, 'I really want to do The Daily Show and I'd love to turn it into an abstract musical.' I like the format and the chance to satirize the news. Votes: 0

Yes, the long war on Christianity. I pray that one day we may live in an America where Christians can worship freely! In broad daylight! Openly wearing the symbols of their religion... perhaps around their necks? And maybe -- dare I dream it? -- maybe one day there can be an openly Christian President. Or, perhaps, 43 of them. Consecutively. Votes: 0

In whose delusional mind is democracy made 'better' by allowing wealthy people to control more of it? Votes: 0

Pigmentation was a quick and convenient way of judging a person. One of us, Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., once proposed we instead judge people by the content of their character. He was shot. Votes: 0

With the situation in Iraq growing ever more dangerous, the 34-member Coalition of The Willing are, one by one, dropping out to join the other coalition known as Most of The Rest of The World. Votes: 0

The nation of Dubai banned the movie Charlie's Angles because it's "offensive to the religion of Islam." Apparently, the religion of Islam is offended by anything without a plot. Votes: 0

The trial of Enron chiefs Jeffrey Skilling and Ken Lay began four-and-a-half years after perpetrating -- allegedly -- the fraud that led to the second largest bankruptcy in American history. Why four-and-a-half years? Because apparently it's harder to bring Ken Lay to trial than it is to invade two countries. Votes: 0

But that hair? That is comedy entrapment. People are not attacking your hair, they are defending themselves from something that appears like it's about to attack them. Votes: 0

Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch. Votes: 0

I'm doing everything I can to sabotage my career. It's a little thing called "fear of success". Votes: 0

Glenn Beck does have a dream. Unfortunately, it's the kind of dream you have when you eat four pepperoni hot pockets right before bed. Votes: 0

In fourteen hundred ninety-two Columbus sailed the ocean blue and discovered America. Now, some have argued Columbus actually discovered the West Indies, or that Norsemen had discovered America centuries earlier, or that you really can't get credit for discovering a land already populated by indigenous people with a developed civilization. Those people are communists. Columbus discovered America. Votes: 0

So Fox News is the voice of America and Obama is Stalin? Oh my God! I guess that makes me Yakov Smirnoff. Votes: 0

Child: Why on this night do we eat Hot Fudge Sundaes? Adult: To remind us that being Jewish is like having your birthday every day!! Plus they're delicious! Votes: 0

Sitting around with funny people, banging out jokes and creating a television show. I have no hobbies, no outside interests. I'm fine with spending 14 hours a day putting a show together with tape and string. Votes: 0

Analysis of President Bush's tax plan has revealed that several elaborate tricks and gimmicks were used to make it look like a $1.35 trillion cut, but in reality it's going to be closer to costing $1.8 trillion. Critics claim it's math so fuzzy, you have to squint to see our nation's future of subsistence farming and post-apocalyptic roving motorcycle gangs. Votes: 0

Why can't they have gay people in the army? Personally, I think they are just afraid of a thousand guys with M16s going, "Who'd you call a faggot?" Votes: 0

Divorce isn't caused because 50% of marriages end in gayness. Votes: 0

Megachurches. I can't be the only one frightened when our houses of worship sound like they could take on Godzilla. Votes: 0

Capote, of course, addressed very similar themes to Good Night and Good Luck. Both films are about determined journalists defying obstacles in a relentless pursuit of the truth. Needless to say, both are period pieces. Votes: 0

You just have to keep trying to do good work, and hope that it leads to more good work. I want to look back on my career and be proud of the work, and be proud that I tried everything. Yes, I want to look back and know that I was terrible at a variety of things. Votes: 0

As we approach the millennium with sort of the idea that society is going to start spiraling into chaos, I'd love to be making jokes about that. Who wants to miss out on that? If the world is going to end, I want to be there the night before, goofing off. Votes: 0

It seems like Michael Vick is going to jail for dog fighting. Hopefully, they won't have guard dogs. Votes: 0

What you do for Jewish New Year is you go down to Times Square ... It's a lot quieter than the regular New Year. It's just a few Jews walking around going, "sup?" Votes: 0

Happy Valentine's Day! And if this is news to you, my guess is you're probably alone. Valentine's Day is often times a, well, it's a manufactured day that really doesn't mean anything. Votes: 0

Planet Hollywood has shrunk from seventy-five locations around the world to just over thirty-five over the past two years. No new Planet Hollywoods are opening, which in turn has caused a 100 percent decline in opportunities for Bruce Willis to play the harmonica. Votes: 0

I masturbate. A lot. And yet, I don't floss because it's too much of a hassle. Ten seconds of joy over a lifetime of tooth decay, that's what I've chosen. Votes: 0

I feel like [God]'s hazing us. Votes: 0

Arnold Schwarzenegger campaigned in New York this week, where he stepped up his controversial goal of helping children.... It's all summed up in his campaign slogan, 'Arnold Schwarzenegger: Cutting violence in half with a laser-guided chain gun across a charred landscape - for the children.' Votes: 0

You can truly grieve for every officer who's been lost in the line of duty in this country, and still be troubled by cases of police overreach, those two ideas are not mutually exclusive. You can have great regard for law enforcement and still want them to be held to high standards. Votes: 0

I remember having a grade-school teacher I thought was a hard-ass. When you're that age, you think the guy is Himmler. Then you visit him eight years later and he's wearing polyester pants, he's four foot eight, you think he's gay, and you're like, 'Are you the guy I was afraid of? Votes: 0

What's with the poverty Tourette's? Why do these two think we need a hobo for president? Votes: 0

The building housing America's military brass is a five-sided pentagon, but somehow, the people in it still manage to make it the squarest place on earth. The latest evidence? A current military document that lists homosexuality as a mental disorder in the same league as mental retardation - noting, of course, the one difference: retarded people can still get into heaven. Votes: 0

I like not to be good at anything, so I keep hopping around. Votes: 0

I think people are used to people in show business having a lot of hubris. I think I have a normal amount of self-loathing but because I'm in show business it's considered self-deprecation. In normal life I would just be considered your average neurotic. Votes: 0

I want you to admit that there is such a thing as white privilege, Votes: 0

Insomnia is my greatest inspiration. Votes: 0

I can't rationalize the brilliance and knowledge that you have about the intricacies of the market with the crazy bullshit I see you do each night. Votes: 0

Really, an historic night last night. You may have heard, Barack Obama will be the first black president of the United States of America. ... Obama is also the first Democrat to receive more than 50 percent of the vote since Jimmy Carter, the first senator to be elected since Jack Kennedy, the first Muslim to be ... I said too much. Votes: 0

Congress is the Justin Bieber of our government Votes: 0

There's always anxiety when you start a new job, you're the one guy who doesn't know where the ketchup is. Votes: 0

We have it. The smoking gun. The evidence. The potential weapon of mass destruction we have been looking for as our pretext of invading Iraq. There's just one problem - it's in North Korea. Votes: 0

How refreshing. A suspect beaten up BEFORE the LAPD showed up. Votes: 0

In Iraq, the U.S. military's whack-a-mole approach to killing Saddam Hussein may have finally paid off. The bombs destroyed the area and left behind a 60-foot crater, or as coalition forces prefer to call it: a freedom hole. Votes: 0

Never name it after yourself. Maybe we'll throw a with in there. That seems to work. Like Late Show With David Letterman. Votes: 0

Every generation has their challenge. And things change rapidly, and life gets better in an instant. Votes: 0

Wait a minute! Wait a minute! I figured this out. I know what's wrong with what we've done in Iraq. We've been following time as it goes forward. What a classic mistake. Linear time is so pre-9-11. Votes: 0

If the world does need to repopulate at some point, the announcing team of Rob Lowe and Sofia Vergara, I think, would make very pleasant children. Votes: 0

Senator John McCain, who spent over five years in a Vietnamese POW camp, publicly releases 1,000 pages of medical records. Now people are left with only open nagging questions: what kind of freak has 1,000 pages of medical records? Votes: 0

It's harder to eat meat when you know the animal's name...I have found. Votes: 0

I think the metric by which television is considered liberal is literally based on the metric of liberalism in each person's soul. Peoples' senses of humor tend to go about as far as their ideology. Votes: 0

The country of Mexico has just gotten its first Taco Bell. You're Welcome. Finally, Mexicans will have access to... Mexican food. Bon appetit. I can't imagine how confused they will be when they get a taco. Votes: 0

The wisdom of the masses is not always wise. You could put a lot of things to a vote-you could have put anti-miscegenation laws to a vote, and that would have passed pretty handily. Either all people are created equal-or they're not. You're either buying into the original premise of America-or you're not. Votes: 0

Fox opposes a Syria peace plan because its modus operandi is to foment dissent in the form of a relentless and irrational contrarianism to Barack Obama and all things Democratic, to advance its ultimate objective of creating a deliberately misinformed body politic whose fear, anger, mistrust, and discontent is the manna upon which it sustains its parasitic succubus-like existence. Votes: 0

The problem with the Tea Party is they're all ignorant hillbillies who drink moonshine and ride around on mules. And they believe in stereotypes too. Votes: 0

I visit Fox News every now and again, and it's nice, because the Eye of Mordor is above the building. Votes: 0

If it turns out that President Barack Obama can make a deal with the most intransigent, hard-line, unreasonable, totalitarian mullahs in the world but not with Republicans? Maybe he's not the problem. Votes: 0

Nazi Germany was so destructive to Judaism not only for the loss of life, but because many who survived began to see the practice of Judaism as somewhat of a health hazard. Votes: 0

I just thought, there are very few stories involving me, Anna Nicole Smith, and Jesus. Votes: 0

You can use your idealism to further your aims, if you realize that nothing is Nirvana, nothing is perfect. Votes: 0

You can have all the muskets you want! You can even have assault muskets!...Their (the NRA's) paranoid fear of a possible dystopic future prevents us from addressing our actual dystopic present. We can't even begin to address 30,000 gun deaths that are actually, in reality, happening in this country every year because a few of us must remain vigilant against the rise of an imaginary Hitler. Votes: 0

Yes, reason has been a part of organized religion, ever since two nudists took dietary advice from a talking snake. Votes: 0

For me it was just exciting to see fake news catching on like that. We don't you know, it's interesting. I think we don't make things up. We just distill it to, hopefully, its most humorous nugget. And in that sense it seems faked and skewed just because we don't have to be subjective or pretend to be objective. We can just put it out there. Votes: 0

There are a hell of a lot of jobs that are scarier than live comedy. Like standing in the operating room when a guy's heart stops, and you're the one who has to fix it! Votes: 0

Religion. It's given people hope in a world torn apart by religion. Votes: 0

That whole thing has been overstated by environmentalists. First of all, what is it, rocks and snow? C'mon, what is that, you want that? Go to Canada my friend. Believe me, rocks and snow are overrated. I've seen otters - they look better covered in oil. Votes: 0

That's the Senate Ethics Committee, an oxymoron since 1973. Votes: 0

Sarah Palin has been tagged and released back into the wild. Votes: 0

Give me back the $800 billion for the Iraq war and children's television PBS is on the house. Votes: 0

Yes! We finally captured Martha Stewart. You know, with all the massive and almost completely unpunished fraud perpetrated on the public by companies like Enron, Global Crossing, and Tyco we finally got the ring leader. Maybe now we can lower the nation's terror alert to periwinkle. Votes: 0

Critics have noted Schwarzenegger's only previous government experience was serving under President Bush senior as Chairman of the Council of Physical Fitness, a largely symbolic office, where Schwarzenegger's only responsibility was doing hundreds of jumping jacks he was going to do anyway. Votes: 0

America has had to deal with eccentric dictators in the past: Idi Amin, Muammar Qaddafi, Ming the Merciless... but now the security of the world is threatened by Kim Jong-il, a nerdy, pompadoured, platform shoe-wearer who looks like something you'd put on the end of your child's pencil. Votes: 0

That's the beauty of our show. Comedy or politics. We're sort of a mix. A space age polymer of both. A synthetic comedy-like material. Votes: 0

The Vietnam war was fought over portion size. Votes: 0

Yes, it seems that as the President (George W. Bush) comes to the end of his two terms, he's finally realized the best way to get things done for you, is for you to do it. Votes: 0

The seven marvels that best represent man's achievements over the last 2,000 years will be determined by Internet vote... so look for Howard Stern's Private Parts to come in No. 1. Votes: 0

We're Jews. When you look at our pubic hair, it should look like Ewoks should be in there. Votes: 0

If your regime is not strong enough to handle a joke, then you don't have a regime. Votes: 0

Al-Qaeda's resurgence brings out the worst in the Bush Administration's math and logic. Votes: 0

I don't know why people think that somehow the First Amendment applies to network television. It doesn't. It's like the way free speech does t apply at work. You can't just walk into your boss office and say you're a fuckface and I'm gonna go back to work now.' No, you're not Votes: 0

Historic in a good sense, not historic in a sense of so we dropped bombs on everyone Votes: 0

We've come from the same history - 2000 years of persecution - we've just expressed our sufferings differently. Blacks developed the blues. Jews complained, we just never thought of putting it to music. Votes: 0

As our larynxes descended, we were able to make sounds with our mouths in new and far more expressive ways. Verbal language soon overtook physical gesturing as the primary means of communication for all human beings except Italians. (Earth (The Book), p. 36) Votes: 0

Donald Rumsfeld. Love him or hate him, you've gotta admit: a lot of people hate him. Votes: 0

The more you delve into science, the more it appears to rely on faith. Votes: 0

If we amplify everything, we hear nothing. Votes: 0

Senior year is supposed to be about being mentally done. Votes: 0

If you're going to give people 20 minutes of news satire, you've also got to give them Tiffani-Amber Thiessen or you're going to have rioting in the streets. Votes: 0

Do you know what writing a book is? It's sitting alone in a room for weeks without making contact with another human. I felt like Howard Hughes. Votes: 0

As long as I don't end up hosting a skin care commercial with Cher, I'm happy. Votes: 0

That is the American experiment. An ethnic group arriving on America's shores, to be reviled and hazed, living in squalor, or if they are lucky Squalor Heights, working hard to give their children or grandchildren the opportunity to sh*t on the next group landing on our shores. Votes: 0

So, is there hope for a truly democratic Africa? Long answer: Only if continent-wide improvements in education, human rights and public health are coupled with an aggressive and far-sighted debt-relief program that breaks the cycle of subsistence farming and urban squalor. Short answer: No. Votes: 0

Making it [St. Patrick's Day] a great day for the Irish, but just an ok day if you're looking for a quiet tavern to talk, read or have a white wine spritzer. Votes: 0

The real focus at first is to just become a good stand-up comedian, and then when you get to a certain level, then they allow you to do other things. You feel if you're overwhelmed by something or if you're not. Votes: 0

The view... from my apartment... was the World Trade Center... and now it's gone, they attacked it. This symbol of American ingenuity, and strength, and labor, and imagination and commerce, and it is gone. But you know what? You know what the view is now? The Statue of Liberty. The view from the South of Manhattan is now the Statue of Liberty. You can't beat that! Votes: 0

Democrats do have a historic race going. Hillary Clinton vs. Barack Obama. Normally, when you see a black man or a woman president an asteroid is about to hit the Statue of Liberty. Votes: 0

You have to remember one thing about the will of the people: it wasn't that long ago that we were swept away by the Macarena. Votes: 0

I really like to put my name on everything, so my roommate doesn't steal it. It's really a throwback to that. Votes: 0

While opponents label (Howard) Dean a throwback liberal, The New York Times recently noted that as governor, Dean cut income taxes, reformed welfare and balanced Vermont's budget - all traditionally conservative policies. Dean also received an 'A' rating from the National Rifle Association, which I think you can't get unless you've killed a guy. Votes: 0

President Bush remained undeterred by the massive display of American opposition, even though much of it came from the hundreds of thousands of voters who supported him by voting for Nader. Votes: 0

Doing stand-up comedy is in the middle of a traffic jam getting everybody moving again. Votes: 0

It's a travesty that people have forced someone who is gay to have to make their case that they deserve the same basic rights as someone else. Votes: 0

You talk about the Pro-Life movement being one of the great shames of our nation. I think, if you want number two, I think - I think it's that. I think it's absolute - it's a travesty that people have forced someone who is gay to make their case that they deserve the same basic rights. Votes: 0

Although to be fair, cherry picking isn't quite what we do. Cherries are sweet and delicious. What we do is more turd mining. And I'll thank you to give our work the respect it deserves! Votes: 0

The unfortunate, yet truly exciting thing about your life, is that there is no core curriculum. The entire place is an elective. Votes: 0

Here's the way I look at it. President Bush has uranium-tipped bunker busters and I have puns. I think he'll be OK. Votes: 0

Wait a minute, words in the prompter, script on my desk, vending machine upstairs out of Funyuns... the writers are back! Votes: 0

I never thought I'd say this, but I miss voter fraud. Votes: 0

I was born with an adult head and a tiny body. Like a 'Peanuts' character. Votes: 0

It's funny how everyone hates witch hunts... until they see a witch. Votes: 0

Here's what I realized about the yam - it's the same colour as a Nerf ball. You may be wondering: 'Is he saying he ate a Nerf ball?'... Votes: 0

Here it is ... your moment of zen. Votes: 0

It really does seem that the Democrat's problem isn't that they're calling for timetables - it's that they're calling them 'timetables'. You're up against Bush and the Republicans - you've got to bring some zing. Don't call them timetables - call them 'Patriot Dates', 'Freedom Deadlines'... 'Glory Goals'. Votes: 0

I'm less upset with politicians than [with] the media. I feel like politicians ? the way I explain it, is when you go to a zoo and a monkey throws feces, it's a monkey. But when the zookeeper is standing right there and he doesn't say, 'Bad monkey' ? somebody's gotta be the zookeeper. Votes: 0

Liberal and conservative have lost their meaning in America. I represent the distracted center. Votes: 0

I was born in New York City, but I was raised in New Jersey, part of the great Jewish emigration of 1963. Votes: 0

Ahh, Earth Day, the only day of the year where being able to hacky-sack will get you laid. Votes: 0

It is hard to get mad at Donald Trump for saying stupid things, in the same way you don't get mad at a monkey when he throws poop at you at the zoo... What does get me angry is the ridiculous, disingenuous defending of the poop-throwing monkey. Votes: 0

The overwhelming condemnation makes it clear we have made enormous progress in teaching everyone that racism is bad. Where we seem to have dropped the ball... is in teaching people what racism actually is ... which allows people to say incredibly racist things while insisting they would never. Votes: 0

Evil is relatively rare. Ignorance is epidemic. Votes: 0

To the people who are upset about their hard-earned tax money going to things they don't like: welcome to the f*cking club. Reimburse me for the Iraq war and oil subsidies, and diaphragms are on me! Votes: 0

I'm not going to censor myself to comfort your ignorance Votes: 0

Don't censor yourself to comfort their ignorance. Votes: 0

It's funny. When we were alive we spent much of our time staring up at the cosmos and wondering what was out there. We were obsessed with the moon and whether we could one day visit it. The day we finally walked on it was celebrated worldwide as perhaps man's greatest achievement. But it was while we were there, gathering rocks from the moon's desolate landscape, that we looked up and caught a glimpse of just how incredible our own planet was. Its singular astonishing beauty. We called her Mother Earth. Because she gave birth to us, and then we sucked her dry. Votes: 0

Must be nice to be a Republican senator sometimes, because you get the fun of breaking sh*t and the joy of complaining the sh*t you just broke doesn't work. Votes: 0

Like everyone else, I want to sleep with Leonardo DiCaprio. Votes: 0

Nobody cares that Mitt Romney is rich. It's Romney's inability to understand the institutional advantage that he gains from the government's tax code largesse, that's a little offensive to people, especially considering Romney's view on anyone else who looks to the government for things like, I don't know, food and medicine. Votes: 0

The press has bravely and nobly eroded the public trust... What I'm advocating is the media come work for us again. Remove themselves from the symbiotic relationship that they have developed with the power structure of corporations and of the politicians. Votes: 0

No matter what your race, creed or sexual preference, there is a word that people use to describe you that is very nasty. It's what we all have in common. That, and masturbation. Votes: 0

Corporations are the only reason the tax code is so complicated in the first place. Those off-shore loopholes didn't get carved out by poor people. Votes: 0

The Republican party is the party of nostalgia. It seeks to return America to a simpler, more innocent and moral past that never actually existed. The Democrats are utopians. They seek to create an America so fair and non-judgmental that life becomes an unbearable series of apologies. Together, the two parties function like giant down comforters, allowing a candidate to disappear into the enveloping softness, protecting them from exposure to the harsh weather of independent thought. Votes: 0

If you don't stick to your values when they're being tested, they're not values: they're hobbies. Votes: 0

You've confused a war on your religion with not always getting everything you want. Votes: 0

I want to look back on my career and be proud of the work, and be proud that I tried everything. Votes: 0

Some people have criticized the United States and the United States military for guarding oil fields and not guarding the Iraqi National Museum which had priceless antiquities in it. They say that this shows a fundamental lack of respect for Iraqi history. I want to remind those people of this: The oldest relics in the museum, 5,000 or 6,000 years old. That oil is 65 million years old. You had to guard that. ... Those antiquities will only last another 5,000 or 6,000 years. When we burn that oil, those fumes will linger long after. Votes: 0

If I'd only followed CNBC's advice, I'd have a million dollars today. Provided I'd started with a hundred million dollars. Votes: 0

The goals for me have changed somewhat. There's a bit of seduction to the idea of being on network, but it got to the point where that wasn't important. What's important is doing something worthwhile. Which is why I've always avoided being on a sitcom. Yeah, it's high-profile and it's on a network, but you know what? You could be on Suddenly Stewart. Votes: 0

People talk about sexual assault like it's a bad habit that men have. Votes: 0

People would like to place a standard on our show that doesn't exist. We're not set up for reporting; we don't have an apparatus for that. We're discussing things that hopefully people might get something out of, but it's wildly inconsistent. Just because we hit on points that resonate, or people think are real complaints - that doesn't make us journalists. Votes: 0

This is what happens when you don't let gays marry; they start designing clothes out of spite. Votes: 0

I have complete faith in the continued absurdity of whatever's going on. Votes: 0

A guy who says what people who aren't thinking are thinking. Votes: 0

The Rapture: The ultimate Republican back-up plan. Votes: 0

If everything is amplified, we hear nothing. Votes: 0

If someone was to introduce hope and idealism into our political system, I think the tension that would create in other areas would certainly be ripe. You would think that if you bring oxygen to the organism, the organism lives. But there may be other organisms in there that thrive in darkness and in a more anaerobic environment. Watching those creatures writhe will always be interesting. Votes: 0

They create these rules and argue about things we don't even understand. It is like watching soccer. You sit there and you're sort of amused, but most of the time you're thinking, pick up the ball! That's what you're thinking. Votes: 0

How far back to the elementary school core curriculum do we have to go to get someone on the House Committee on Science, Space and Technology caught up? Votes: 0

The psychology degree is simply that I was a chemistry major, and they kept wanting the correct answer, whereas in psychology you basically write whatever you want, and chances are you get a B. Votes: 0

I can't sing. Never been able to sing. I can't do voices very well. Every impression I do sounds the same. I can't dunk. Man, would I give anything to dunk. Just once. Votes: 0

I would think black people think everything is about race. They are the ones who are on the outside of the game. They are the ones who face it every day. Votes: 0

Is listening to Pink Floyd in the dark a medical condition? Votes: 0

There's nothing like a shipwreck to spark the imagination of everyone who was not on that specific ship. Votes: 0

Everybody talks about the entitlement generation. There is no time I'd rather live in than now, and there is no generation I would more entrust the future of this country to than this one. There is a tendency to live in a nostalgic state in this country, and to think that other generations possessed an integrity and a tenacity greater than the generation that is now. I wholeheartedly disagree with that. I believe that this is a group that will rise up to any challenge that comes before them as well as any other generation in America would have done. Votes: 0

Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork. I'm sorry, what was that last one?? Don't eat pork. God has spoken. Is that the word of God or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody? Votes: 0

I feel much more strongly about the abdication of responsibility by the media than by political advocates. They're representing a constituency. Votes: 0

I have great respect for people who are in the front lines and the trenches of trying to enact social change. I am far lazier than that. Votes: 0

We declared war on terror-it's not even a noun, so, good luck. Votes: 0

People, if you can't get through the puns, I can't give you the good stuff. Votes: 0

Remember that guy who got gored by a bull and the bull pulled his underwear off and he had to run around the ring naked? If that footage comes out, I'll run that. Votes: 0

But the main thing I don't want to be is un-funny. That's really the mandate. Just whatever we're doing, make it as funny as we can possibly make it. And believe me, if the show starts going down, we'll introduce a baby. We'll do everything that they did on `Family Ties.' I'm not afraid of that. Votes: 0

I'm a little bit too obsessed with the news. I find the news easier to follow than narrative entertainment programs. Votes: 0

It's always funny until the hooker mentions her son. Votes: 0

If Obama's a tyrant, he's a pretty tame tyrant. How many tyrants do you know that really suffer because they can't get cloture? Votes: 0

Gay people can't be proud of the country and want to defend it too. What's the army afraid is going to happen if gay people are in it. Private, shoot that man! I can't, he's adorable. Votes: 0

We all know what happens to celebrities when their time is up - rehab and then a stint on VH1. Votes: 0

Alright guys, I want to get out there and vote tomorrow. And not because it's cool, because it's not. You know what is cool? Smoking. Smoke while you vote. Votes: 0

Historic in a good sense, not historic in a sense of 'so we dropped bombs on everyone. Votes: 0

We hear every damn day about how fragile our country is - on the brink of catastrophe - torn by polarizing hate, and how it's a shame that we can't work together to get things done, but the truth is we do. We work together to get things done every damn day! Votes: 0

Maybe we should always show pictures. Bin Laden, pictures of our wounded service people, pictures of maimed innocent civilians. We can only make decisions about war if we see what war actually is - and not as a video game where bodies quickly disappear leaving behind a shiny gold coin. Votes: 0

Everybody wrings their hands about Fox News. You know, fair and balanced? Why, that's snide! Yeah, okay, maybe they're not fair and balanced, but CNN used to have the slogan You Can Depend on CNN. Guess what? I watch it, no you can't. So what's the difference? Votes: 0

Orthodox Jews, or, as they are known in the Talmud, the Really Chosen Ones, are committed to the idea that the entire Torah was dictated by God verbatim to Moses at Mount Sinai... Other forms of Judaism dispute this claim, although it does explain certain passages in the first Torah, such as, I'm sorry, am I boring you? and What do you like better, Moses, Lord Almighty or Big Hoohah? Votes: 0

Reform Jews are the children of Conservative Jews, or as they are sometimes known, Christians with curlier hair. Votes: 0

It upset me that, five days after the hurricane hit down in New Orleans, the President's plan was for a day of prayer. I would have thought a truck of food. A day of prayer. Now, maybe I'm mistaken here and, again, I'm not a scientific expert, but isn't a hurricane officially an act of God? Isn't a day of prayer kind of redundant? Hasn't God already made up his mind on that sort of thing? So we do a day of prayer. The President has his stupid day of prayer. Three days later, Hurricane Rita hits. Somebody must have said something... something like, is that all you got? Votes: 0

As a comedian, as a person, as a citizen, as a mammal - in all of those areas, I am looking forward to the end of the Bush administration with every fiber of my being. Votes: 0

I am sick of deconstructing their propaganda, because it's pretty much the same as it's always been. It's just repeating something over and over again until we believe it and we hope that you believe it. Votes: 0

We could overcome the baser aspects of our nature... and give this planet the kind of caretakers it deserves. Votes: 0

I always get that cautionary warning right before I get off the phone with an interviewer. It's: 'Good luck with the show. I really like it, and if this goes wrong, you'll be hearing from my attorneys. Votes: 0

My life was typical. I played a little Little League baseball. I never wanted for food. I always had shoes. I had a room. There were no great tragedies. There were the typical ups and downs but I wouldn' t say it was at all sad. We were Jewish and living in the suburbs so there was a slightly neurotic bent to it, but I can't point to anything where a boy overcame a tragedy to become a comedian. As my grandmother used to say, 'I can't complain. Votes: 0

I have a lot of hostility. Votes: 0

In 1982 I was playing soccer at William and Mary, and a kid from Randolph-Macon called me a kike. I ran after him. 'I'm not a... well, yes I am. Votes: 0

Don't worry, as long as America still has natural resources, you guys are okay. Votes: 0

You know, I've always wanted to be a young Charles Kuralt. I started in this business with just a Winnebago and a dream. Votes: 0

The Department of Homeland Security recommends a three-day supply of water consisting of one bottle per day for each person in your home. Plus one extra bottle to give you all something to kill each other over on day four. Votes: 0

I like a lot of wheels. If I could have eight wheels, I would. Votes: 0

North Korea is making several demands in exchange for giving up their nuclear program, including a promise from America not to attack them. Which is a little strange because for us to attack them we would have to have slam dunk proof that they have weapons of mass destruction. I mean, for Gods sakes people, we're not maniacs. It would have to be an air-tight case. We wouldn't just come in there and start bombing you. Votes: 0

Trent Lott has regained a position of leadership. He was the former majority leader who lost his post for racially insensitive commentary. I believe he mentioned that Strom Thurmond in 1948, who ran as a segregationist candidate, should have won. ... But now, sound the irony alarm. He has recaptured a position and his position -- I kid you not -- in the Senate will be minority whip. So, my guess is he takes to that job like, let's say, white on rice. Votes: 0

Former Vermont Governor Howard Dean was all smiles, well smirks, after picking up the endorsement of former Vice President Al Gore at a rally in Harlem ... Gore went on to praise Dean for taking a tough anti-war stance before the invasion of Iraq and he praised Dean supporters in hopes that will ease his concerns over lack of foreign policy experience, and his lack of support among blacks and Latinos, and his hot temperament, and perceived arrogance, and policy flip-flops, and campaign glitches. Well, there's a lot going on here. Votes: 0

The Jews celebrate Passover by eating unpalatable food to remind them what will happen to their people if they ever leave New York City. The traditional meal often includes gefilte fish. For those of you who don't know what gefilte fish is, it strongly resembles a ball of tuna fish that has been passed nasally. It's not good. During Passover, the angel of death passed over the Jews - an event that, up until the late 1950s, was re-enacted every year by Ivy League colleges and suburban country clubs. Votes: 0

Most Americans don't live their lives solely as Democrats or Republicans or conservatives or liberals. Most Americans live their lives that our just a little bit late for something they have to do. Often it's something they do not want to do, but they do it. Impossible things get done every day that are only made possible by the little, reasonable compromises. Votes: 0

The country's 24 hour political pundit perpetual panic conflictinator did not cause our problems but its existence makes solving them that much harder. The press can hold its magnifying up to our problems bringing them into focus, illuminating issues heretofore unseen or they can use that magnifying glass to light ants on fire and then perhaps host a week of shows on the sudden, unexpected dangerous flaming ant epidemic. If we amplify everything we hear nothing. Votes: 0

The government should stop meddling in the business of the farmers, who would actually still be living ina desert if not for government meddling. Votes: 0

You know, in Saudi Arabia, you're innocent until proven Jewish. Female. Guilty! They're guilty! Votes: 0

We are going to be raising a generation of mentally impaired people. Votes: 0

What good are images if people understand them? Votes: 0

I only find out where countries are when we start bombing them. Votes: 0

So if you're negative, you live longer? That sounds like a cruel joke. Votes: 0

Everything in Italian sounds like 'Give me your money or I'm going to beat your @$$'. Votes: 0

Following revelations that he fathered a love child, the good Reverend Jesse Jackson - or should we say the 'very' good Reverend - is enduring the scandal with the help of family and friends. A scandal which gives clearer meaning to the Rainbow Coalition's Operation 'Push'. Votes: 0

I wonder who really is the change candidate? It can't be both of them [Hillary Clinton & Barak Obama]. What would be a black man and a woman - how could that be different than the 43 other Presidents we've had? Votes: 0

Poor people have sh*tty lobbyists. Votes: 0

But our perfect democracy, which neither needs nor particularly wants voters, is a rarity. It is important to remember there still exist many other forms of government in the world today, and that dozens of foreign governments still long for a democracy such as ours to be imposed on them. Votes: 0

And then you've got Lieberman, who is for the war. And thinks the tax cuts could really help. He's basically for people who want to vote for Bush but don't think Bush is Jewish enough. Votes: 0

The best defence against bullshit is vigilance. So if you smell something, say something. Votes: 0

If there was one lesson to be drawn from Bush's appearance (on 'Meet the Press') it's that he doesn't have to be forthcoming or honest. And he's the first to tell you why. (Bush:) 'I'm a war president.' He added: 'I guess I should have told you that back in 2000.' Votes: 0

I think of myself as a comedian who has the pleasure of writing jokes about things that I actually care about. And that's really it. You know, if I really wanted to enact social change I have great respect for people who are in the front lines and the trenches of trying to enact social change. I am far lazier than that. Votes: 0

When the court that handpicked you to be president tells you you've overstepped your bounds, you've overstepped your bounds. Votes: 0

I don't trust any country that looks around a continent and says, "Hey, I'll take the frozen part." Votes: 0

Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad claims there are no homosexuals in Iran, just like there are no gay conservatives in the US. Votes: 0

I have the liberal dictionary right here...let's see how they define water-boarding: 'Something done by the evil troops, who we don't support, to innocent terrorists violating their rights to bomb our cities and make us get gay marriage.' Votes: 0

I kid because I'm on basic cable. Votes: 0

No health care for poor kids? You know, I thought something like that was only done by cartoon villains. You're (Pres. Bush) slowly going from being Nixon to Mr. Burns. Votes: 0

If you are a minority or an interest group, the Democrats will hold the debate at your house. Whereas Republicans take a slightly different approach: they have a big tent - you're just not allowed in it. Votes: 0

Songwriting is the way of perpetual want. Songwriters are the blessed/cursed people. You will never have a moment's peace in your life. You will always be wanting the next song. Votes: 0

Nineteen people flew into the towers. It seems hard for me to imagine that we could go to war enough to make the world safe enough that nineteen people wouldn't want to do harm to us. So it seems like we have to rethink a strategy that is less military-based. Votes: 0

The value of holding a grudge. And to always refer to my father sarcastically as Mr. Wonderful. Votes: 0

I'm not a very serious Jew. I don't wear the protective religious headgear. They only wear that because 40% of all religious thoughts escape through the head. Votes: 0

That's what it's like to be a comedian. You basically stand and stare at the world and hope it craps out cause that's a good year for you. So that's not a pleasant feeling. Votes: 0

Here in the U.S., we've made democracy into a science. A cold, impersonal science. Votes: 0

If the guy in front of you at the polls has arm swords, you might want to considering filling out an absentee ballot. Votes: 0

61% of graduating teens have had sex, 37% will eventually have sex, and 2% become statisticians. Votes: 0

Across the nation, thousands of people are lining up in hospital waiting rooms, out the doors, down the steps, around the corners, and behind the hedges, waiting for their inoculations. Here's another idea for avoiding the flu: don't stand outside in the cold for hours around lots of other people. Votes: 0

If we are going to amend the constitution, shouldn't it be to keep the omos-hay from arrying-may? Votes: 0

Models talk to you for six minutes and they're very nice and they say thank you and then it's off to the larger European men they actually have sex with. Votes: 0

When you're accustomed to doing stand-up, so often you're the only person onstage and it's all your thing. It's very gladiatorial. Obviously, when you're in a scene with somebody, you're supposed to listen and react - and that's a bit of a transition. Votes: 0

Hopefully the process is to spot things that would be grist for the funny mill. In some respects, the heavier subjects are the ones that are most loaded with opportunity because they have the most - you know, the difference between potential and kinetic energy? - they have the most potential energy, so to delve into that gives you the largest combustion, the most interest. I don't mean for the audience. I mean for us. Everyone here is working too hard to do stuff we don't care about. Votes: 0

We grew up in the good old days before kids had these damn computers and actually played outside. Votes: 0

Everyone just needs to get over themselves. Votes: 0

We don't consider ourselves equal opportunity anythings, because that's not - you know, that's the beauty of fake journalism. We don't have to - we travel in fake ethics. Votes: 0

Yon Kippur. Greatest Jewish holiday ever. The Jewish day of attonement. You don't ear for one day, all your sins for the year are wiped clean. Beat that with your little Lent. What is Lent? Forty days of absolution. Forty days to one day. Even in sin you're paying retail. Votes: 0

Hopefully the only things off-limits are crummy jokes, but being a standup comedian, I know that's not always the case... You know it when you have to take a shower afterward. Votes: 0

I mean, I'm not hoping for the apes and the monolith. I'm hoping for controlled chaos to assist us. Votes: 0

To me, that's where a lot of satire lies. News used to hold itself to a higher plane and slowly it has dissolved into, well, me. Votes: 0

Whenever you take over something that is popular and has a fanatical following that loves it, you're never going to please everyone. The trick is to have enough wherewithal to follow through with what you want to do with it and give it time to evolve. Votes: 0

You feel kind of weird cheering for chaos. There is that sense that the crazier it gets, the better off we are. Before, when I was part of the American public, I was hoping for a reasonable and quick solution to the impeachment process. Now, I'm hoping for partisan bedlam and chaos. It's really what serves me best. Votes: 0

High school. You know, people say, 'I'll never do so-and-so again' - then they do it. So what? Sometimes somebody has crack, and you're looking to stay awake. Votes: 0

In case you're wondering what we all do here during the commercial breaks, mostly we just sit around making catty remarks about the outfits you're all wearing at home. Votes: 0

I don't want to die before my parents die, especially my mother. Because I think that's tragic. Because I don't want her to get the chance to pick out what I'm going to wear for eternity. Votes: 0

New York became the first state to ban talking on hand-held cell phones while driving. First-time violators could receive a fine of $100, with an additional mandatory six-month jail sentence if your ringer plays a Latin-themed novelty song. Votes: 0

Isn't that what you really want in a jean? The ability to kick people in the face in them? I don't wanna have to go home and change into shorts... Votes: 0

I think you are looking at sexuality and not attributes, and I think it's odd because the conservative mantra is a meritocracy. And I think what you're suggesting is the fact that being gay parents makes you not as good as others. And I would suggest that a loving, gay family with a financially secure background beats the hell out of Britney Spears and Kevin Federline any day of the week. Votes: 0

At the end of your life, do you give a concession speech? Votes: 0

You can buy [John McCain's] book, but in a week and a half, he'll have another. Votes: 0

It's a wonder our country doesn't implode. Votes: 0

Here's the thing about global warming that I didn't realize: it would all happen at once. Votes: 0

Clearly, I'm way older than everyone. Votes: 0

[He died of thirst?] That sounds, if I might say, like the greatest Sprite commercial ever. Votes: 0

Iran, Ireland, Israel. That's three countries, four religions that HATE each other. Way to go, 'I'. Votes: 0

People! Take to the streets and scream 'BE REASONABLE!' Votes: 0

I really think [the Bush Administration]'s foreign policy agenda is to spread irony through the world. Votes: 0

[If President Bush is right about democracy in Iraq] I may, and I don't know if I can physically do this, implode. Votes: 0

I know change can be painful. But from change comes growth. Votes: 0

If I could be really competent, that goes such a long way toward things, because the majority of things are not competent. If I can be competent, and have moments of originality, that's all I would ask for. Votes: 0

The night I turned twenty-two, I drank a shot for every year. I was so drunk, I'd just walk up to people in the bar and hit them in the balls. My friends drove me home and left me propped up on the couch holding a bucket. I woke up with vomit all over me. The bucket was clean as a whistle. Votes: 0

If I was to really get at the burr in my saddle, it's not politics - and this is, I think, probably a horrible analogy - but I look at politicians as, they are doing what inherently they need to do to retain power. Their job is to consolidate power. When you go to the zoo and you see a monkey throwing poop, you go, 'That's what monkeys do, what are you gonna do?' But what I wish the media would do more frequently is say, 'Bad monkey. Votes: 0

If you don't get it right with your first family, you can always do it again with another. Votes: 0

I reject the idea there are just two sides. I think that with the amount of ideas and thoughts there are, it's not even going to be consistent with the same person. People can hold liberal and conservative dogma points at the same time. They're not living their lives via platforms. They're living their lives. The whole thing is an awfully tired construct. Votes: 0

Any fool can blow something up. Any fool can destroy. But to see these guys, these firefighters and these policemen and people from all over the country, literally with buckets, rebuilding... that's extraordinary. And that's why we have already won... they can't... it's light. It's democracy. They can't shut that down. Votes: 0

The best way to describe my ability was to say that after the game the other kids would say to me, 'Way to try!' Votes: 0

Isn't it amazing what scientists can accomplish when no one makes them stop? Votes: 0

We're going to do a challenge. I'm going to try and download every movie ever made and you are going to try to sign up for Obamacare - and we'll see which happens first. Votes: 0

You cannot judge a book by its contents. Votes: 0

I think the main thing that has to end is men's defensiveness. Votes: 0

I'll tell you this: Religion is far more of a choice than homosexuality. And the protections that we have, for religion -we protect religion- and talk about a lifestyle choice! That is absolutely a choice. Gay people don't choose to be gay. At what age did you choose not to be gay? Votes: 0

My friend Bill O'Reilly is completely full of sh*t. Votes: 0

The Book of Mormon is so good it makes me f**king angry. Votes: 0

I think of myself as a comedian who has the pleasure of writing jokes about things that I actually care about. Votes: 0

I don't approve of political jokes; I have seen too many of them get elected. Votes: 0

How do you know what is the right path to choose to get the result that you desire? The honest answer is this: You won't. And accepting that greatly eases the anxiety of your life experience. Votes: 0

When my syndicated show got canceled, the next day I still knew how to write jokes. That was a huge revelation. Because at first you think, "I won't have any shelter! What am I gonna do? The sun is hot. Very thirsty." Votes: 0

I can't tell you how many times we'll run into a journalist and go, "Boy that's...I wish we could be saying that. That's exactly the way we see it and that's exactly the way we'd like to be saying that." And I always think, "Well, why don't you?" Votes: 0

I still do not understand how a corporation can have person-hood if it has no soul and never dies. Votes: 0

Congress, the legislative stone in America's urethra. Votes: 0

I can be in 20 movies. But I'll never be an actor. Votes: 0

Bad jokes and gay marriage are destroying this country. But torture can save it. Votes: 0

Don't confuse [Father's Day] with Valentine's Day, and here's why. Boy, will you creep him out. I can just tell you from last year, uh, even if they do like chocolate, they don't want it from their son. Votes: 0

The last thing we'll hear is some scientist saying 'It works!' Votes: 0

I've always run by the hierarchy of 'If not funny, interesting. If not interesting, hot. If not hot, bizarre. If not bizarre, break something. Votes: 0

A guy comes down to earth, takes your sins, dies, and comes back three days later. You believe in him and go to heaven forever. How do you get from that to Hide-The-Eggs? Did Jesus have a problem with eggs? Did he go, "When I come back, if I see any eggs, the whole salvation thing is off." Votes: 0

This morning, prompted by increasing concerns about terrorism, oil prices reached a record high as the cost of a barrel of crude is a whopping $44.34. Wow, it seems shocking that a product of finite supply gets more expensive the more we use it. Now the terror alert means higher oil prices, which oddly enough means higher profits for oil companies giving them more money to give to politicians whose policies may favor the oil companies such as raising the terror alert level. As Simba once told us: "It's the circle of life." Votes: 0

Do you know how many movies I wrote when I was high? Votes: 0

Even if the flag burning amendment does become law, the larger problem will remain of how to respectfully dispose of older, tattered flags. Well, fortunately the U.S. official Flag Code has a suggestion about this. Quote: 'The flag, when it is in such a condition that it is no longer a fitting emblem of display, should be destroyed in a dignified way, preferably by burning.' Owwwwcchh. In response, the House Republicans are calling for tattered flags to be kept alive via a feeding tube. Votes: 0

Get a sense of humor. If you don't, it'll be incredibly frustrating. Votes: 0

Republicans are no longer allowed to say that people are rich. You have to refer to them as 'job creator.' You can't even use the word 'rich.' You have to say, 'This chocolate cake is so moist and job creator.' Votes: 0

Usually when Obama says, 'Let me be clear,' he's about to get into some very unclear sh*t. Votes: 0

Ah, the first rule of public speaking -- always start with a joke. Votes: 0

Julie Christie was absolutely amazing in Away From Her. Brilliant movie. It was the moving story of a woman who forgets her own husband. Hillary Clinton calls it the feel good movie of the year. Votes: 0

Michael Brown, the director of FEMA, was nominated by President Bush in 2003 and plans to start the job any day now. ... Prior to heading FEMA, Brown spent the 90's as a commissioner -- this is true -- of the International Arabian Horse Association. I guess he stands out because most Bush appointees are beholden to Arabian people. Votes: 0

You know if I had nickel for every time Bush has mentioned 9/11, I could raise enough reward money to go after Bin Laden. Votes: 0

Condoleezza Rice was confirmed by a vote of 85, 13, despite a contentious but futile protest vote by democrats. By the way, for a fun second term drinking game, chug a beer every time you hear the phrase 'contentious but futile protest vote by democrats.' By the time Jeb Bush is elected, you'll be so wasted you won't even notice the war in Syria. Votes: 0

Attorney General John Ashcroft bid farewell to the Justice Department with a goodbye address. The voluntary resignation came as a bit of a disappointment to the attorney general, who had hoped to be raptured out of office. Votes: 0

Please explain to me why John Kerry sounds more dickish telling the truth than Bush sounds when he's lying. How is that possible? Votes: 0

The White House released documents it claims validates the president's (National Guard) service ... When deciphered the documents showed that in a one-year period, 1972 and 1973, Bush received credit for nine days of active National Guard service. The traditional term of service then and now for the National Guard is one weekend a month and two full weeks a year, meaning that Bush's nine-day stint qualifies him only for the National Guard's National Guard. That's the National Guard's National Guard, an Army of None. Votes: 0

Spain's new Prime Minister Jose Luis Rodriguez Zapatero announced he will soon call back Spain's 1300 troops from Iraq - meaning the coalition of the willing is fast turning into a duet of the stubborn. Votes: 0

President Bush's approval ratings have taken somewhat of a dive. A senior slump, if you will. Leading President Bush to one conclusion: He is the only one who realizes what a great job he's being doing. Votes: 0

Wow, the entire network of anchors has been hired to be the press secretary. Votes: 0

I have not moved out of the comedian's box into the news box. The news box is moving towards me. Votes: 0

You may be asking yourself, 'Am I the right type of person to go to this rally?' The fact that you would even stop to ask yourself that question, as opposed to, let's say, just jumping up, grabbing the nearest stack of burnable holy books, strapping on a diaper and pointing your car towards D.C. -- that means I think you just might be right for it. Votes: 0

I thought we were out of money!? You can't simultaneously fire teachers AND tomahawk missiles. Votes: 0

I want a sandwich named after me. Votes: 0

Everyone knows if a Republican comes out of the closet and sees a gay shadow, it means six more years of a Democratic administration. Votes: 0

When you think about it, Alaska is also near the North Pole, so she must also be friends with Santa. Votes: 0

The government that governs best, governs best! Votes: 0

They may want to insist that corporations are people but corporations are certainly not Americans. Votes: 0

Some would argue that the president himself benefited from a form of affirmative action because as a C student, he only got into Yale because his father was a wealthy alumnus. But the White House counters that Saddam is a menace and must be stopped. Votes: 0

If America leads a blessed life, then why did God put all of our oil under people who hate us? Votes: 0

Cause if there's one thing Islamic terrorists don't have is....(seriously thinking about it)....%#@&! Votes: 0

I heard Dennis Kucinich say in a debate, 'When I'm president... and I just wanted to stop him and say, 'Dude.' Votes: 0

Thomas Jefferson once said: 'Of course the people don't want war. But the people can be brought to the bidding of their leader. All you have to do is tell them they're being attacked and denounce the pacifists for somehow a lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same in any country.' I think that was Jefferson. Oh wait. That was Hermann Goering. Shoot." [Hosting the Peabody Awards for broadcasting excellence at the New York Waldorf-Astoria, June 6, 2006] Votes: 0

It's great having Bruce Springsteen on my show. We have so much in common! We're both from New Jersey, just from different neighborhoods. Sort of like how Martin Luther King and Margaret Mitchell both came from Atlanta. But from different neighborhoods. Votes: 0

And try as I might, I am having difficulty giving a f**k. Votes: 0

The bias of the mainstream media is toward sensationalism, conflict, and laziness. Votes: 0

Parenthood is an amazing opportunity to be able to ruin someone from scratch. Votes: 0

When did fact checking and journalism go their separate ways? Votes: 0

As an adolescent, Vonnegut made my life bearable. Votes: 0

I feel your scorn, and I accept it. Votes: 0

The reason I don't worry about society is, nineteen people knocked down two buildings and killed thousands. Hundreds of people ran into those buildings to save them. I'll take those odds every f*cking day. Votes: 0

What would Jesus, or any human being who isn't an asshole, do? Votes: 0

No one is better at not beating America than England. Votes: 0

We must, together as a nation, stop watching Fox. Votes: 0

Here's how bizarre the war is that we're in in Iraq, and we should have known this right from the get-go: When we first went into Iraq, Germany didn't want to go. Germany. The Michael Jordan of war took a pass. Votes: 0

It's like hunting cows Votes: 0

To have not shot his friend in the face would have sent a message to the quail that America is weak. Votes: 0

Religion is far more of a choice than homosexuality. Votes: 0

We called her Mother Earth. Because she gave birth to us, and then we sucked her dry. Votes: 0

What are you so mad about? That we still have a government? We still have "traffic lights." We're sorry. The government's not perfect, but some people wish it was better, not gone. Votes: 0

You wonder sometimes how our government puts on its pants in the morning. Votes: 0

Being a superpower is like being a Santa Claus that everyone hates. Votes: 0

Christmas and the New Year are actually two holidays. So there is a plural, which in the English language, necessitates the use of 's.' I suppose you could say 'Merry Christmas' and 'Happy New Year,' but you probably have sh*t to do. Votes: 0

If you try to hit a grand slam, you're going to strike out. Votes: 0

Nobody says, hey men should not drink. It's all about women must dress differently, women must walk differently, women must drink differently. Why are we not able to hold men to account for this behavior? Votes: 0

Sheep are not considered the most intelligent animals but British scientist say humans may have underestimated the woolly creatures. In fact, the British scientific community is even suggesting that the animals might even be "Irish-smart.". Votes: 0

I'm a bit down. Liza Minelli and David Gest, I don't know how it didn't work out. How can a man who likes other men and a woman who drinks not get along? The interesting thing is this - there is no conceivable amount of money worth telling the world that you were beaten up by Liza Minelli. Votes: 0

This show is our own personal beliefs. Votes: 0

Do you guys have to sell everything? I'd like to buy the Earth's core. Votes: 0

The Internet is just a world passing around notes in a classroom. That's all it is. All those media companies say, "We're going to make a killing here." You won't because it's still only as good as the content. Votes: 0

Everything is presented in as devious a manner as it could possibly be presented. Votes: 0

I have to say, as someone who is not a Christian, it's hard for me to believe Christians are a persecuted people in America. God willing, maybe one of you one day will even rise up and get to be president of this country "” or maybe forty-four in a row. But that's my point, is they've taken this idea of no establishment as persecution, because they feel entitled, not to equal status, but to greater status. Votes: 0

Robert Torricelli, a powerful fund-raiser who helped raise more than $100 million for the Democratic party, took inappropriate gifts from a businessman, including an $8,000 gold Rolex watch, for which he was severely admonished by the Senate Ethics Committee in July. To recap: raising $100 million in contributions from gigantic corporations - ethical; taking a watch - unethical. That's the Senate Ethics Committee, an oxymoron since 1974. Votes: 0

The Oscars is the one night of the year when you can see all your favorite stars without having to donate any money to the Democratic Party Votes: 0

Poor Al Gore. Global warming completely debunked via the very internet you invented. Votes: 0

On an average day 7 minutes of news happens. Yet there are currently three full-time, 24-hour news networks. Votes: 0

My buddy Tim Bass he's a-workin' pumpin gas, and he makes two fifty for an hour. He's got rhythm in his hands as he's tappin' on the cans, sings rock and roll in the shower. Votes: 0

I could never wrap my head around why the world and the President that Republicans describe bears so little resemblance to the world and the President that I experience. And now I know why. There is a President Obama that only Republicans can see. Votes: 0

Everybody thought Barack Obama was going to [inspire people] when he came to Washington, but, you know, the Senate seems like the place where smart people go to die. Votes: 0

California is choosing between the lesser of, uh, 300 evils. Votes: 0

Watching these channels all day is incredibly depressing. I live in a constant state of depression. I think of us as turd miners. I put on my helmet, I go and mine turds, hopefully I don't get turd lung disease. Votes: 0

It's like America has a dog that's always shitting inside the house, and we solved the problem by getting a brown rug. Votes: 0

Our show is obviously at a disadvantage with any of the other news shows we're competing against. For one thing, we are fake. They are not. So in terms of credibility, we are ... well, oddly enough we're about even. Votes: 0

The rise of secularism has brought about an increase in hostility toward things religious. Votes: 0

You guys (Boko Haram) are trying so hard to convince everybody that you're such badasses. But all you've done with this kidnapping is highlight who the real badasses are, the kids you kidnapped. Compared to a teenager who knows that her desire for an education could get her dragged into a snake infested jungle to be sold as a bribe to some demented, stick-chewing cartoon villain but still gets up and goes to class everyday, fully aware of that danger - compared to their courage - I'd say Boko Haram is a bunch of little girls. But, you know what? You don't deserve that compliment. Votes: 0

[President Bush] recently challenged Iraqi soldiers still fighting U.S. troops like so: ... 'My answer is bring 'em on.' For those of you who may be criticizing Bush for acting like a movie cowboy, let me remind you. He's actually acting more like a movie cheerleader. Votes: 0

(Terrorists) are planning to disrupt our democratic process. It's scary I know, but we're not going to let al Qaeda tell us what to do. In fact, our government has decided that if al Qaeda attempts to disrupt our democratic process, we are going to respond by disrupting it first. Votes: 0

We look at, the absurdity of the system provides us the most material. And that is best served by sort of the theater of it all, you know, which, by the way, thank you both, because it's been helpful. Votes: 0

All in all it's a pretty great day for major league sports. At long last they've decided that gay people are fit to be included in their elite club-one that's already allowed in adulterers, wife-swappers, gamblers, cheaters, rapists, racists and slaughterers of man. Those who've abused spouses, drugs, alcohol, family members and animals. Congratulations, gay athletes. Are you sure you want to hang out with these people? Votes: 0

The Republicans are calling the Democrats' plan to have a deadline for US troop withdrawal from Iraq an 'admission of failure', as opposed to the Republican plan which is 'failure without admission'. Votes: 0

9/11 references are like Lay's potato chips...no Congress can make just one. Votes: 0

I don't think marijuana should be illegal. Votes: 0

Much of John Kerry's recent surge has come at the expense of Howard Dean. The situation reflected in his hot new bumper sticker, 'Dated Dean, Married Kerry.' It's cute and a lot more tasteful than the alternative version, 'Dated Dean, Married Kerry, Finger-Banged Kucinich.' Votes: 0

The danger of oppression is not just being oppressed, it's becoming an oppressor, Votes: 0

Bush advisers have long been worried that a lagging economy could hamper the president's re-election chances. They hope that the Cabinet shake-up will provide a needed jolt. If that doesn't work, North Korea has to go. Votes: 0

President Bush delivered his first State of the Union address, riding high on an 82-percent approval rating, and with Attorney General John Ashcroft dispatching agents to interview the other 18 percent. Votes: 0

In South Carolina, Senator John Edwards won handily, fulfilling his promise to win every state he was born in. Votes: 0

Throughout his life, General Wesley Clark has stood up to some tough opponents. He battled the Viet Cong, and went toe-to-toe with Slobodan Milosevic. But today the retired four-star general capitulated to the fiercest enemy he's ever confronted: the American voter. Votes: 0

After a long investigation the SEC has fined Halliburton $7.5 million for issuing fraudulent statements exaggerating their profits in 1998 and 1999 during which their CEO was - oh who was it? Oh that's right. ... Cheney himself has not been implicated in the scandal and according to Cheney's lawyer there is no allegation whatsoever that he acted in any way other than in the best interests of the company and its shareholders. And you know what? It's still true today. Votes: 0

The United States Central Command of the Armed Forces has asked Geraldo Rivera to leave Iraq. It should also be noted that the only three other people that the U.S. military has asked to leave Iraq are Saddam Hussein and his two sons. Votes: 0

After going to war against the U.N.'s expressed wishes, the U.S. is now admitting it needs the U.N.'s help. It's the geopolitical equivalent of the 2 a.m. phone call ever parent dreads: 'Mom, I'm not saying I wrecked the car, but I need a ride home.' Votes: 0

President Bush announced we're going to Mars, which means he's given up on Earth. Votes: 0

The press is our immune system. If it overreacts to everything, we eventually get sicker. Votes: 0

Ralph Nader choose the man with whom to share the responsibility of running a distant third, California activist Peter Camejo. You may remember that Camejo ran for president in 1976 on the Socialist Workers Party ticket. Actually, you might only remember that if you run a lesbian, vegetarian, bookstore. Votes: 0

Scores of Iraqi exiles met in London to discuss ways to overthrow Saddam Hussein in a grand gathering dubbed the 'Iraqi Military Alliance Meeting.' Of course, these people are no longer Iraqi, they have no military, and there is no alliance. But they did have a meeting. Votes: 0

What's it called when a hellhole hits a cataclysm? A catastro[phrack]. I just coined that, didn't I? Votes: 0

[Doogal] wasn't even animated. It was still and the audience had to move. Votes: 0

If you break someone's leg, shouldn't you have to be the crutch for a while? Votes: 0

Oh my god... Kerry is boring even when Bush is reading him. Votes: 0

New York City isn't Chuck E. Cheese. We don't have ball pits for the kids to play in. We have titty bars and crack. Votes: 0

If you smell something, say something. Votes: 0

Nathan Lane's Bus of Broadway Fun will be leaving shortly. Votes: 0

Sometimes it's hard to face your own...life. Votes: 0

Apparently the only thing worse than a terrorist attack, is a gay man stopping it! Votes: 0

[Hugh Jackman is] an Adamantium-laced Fred Astaire. Votes: 0

You know, I just want to say to her (Sarah Palin), just very quickly...F-- you. Votes: 0

Are you worried that, when you go to hell, you'll only be taking the local and not be on the express? Why would you look for a loophole to deny coverage to children with preexisting conditions? Votes: 0

I thinking gay and straight people use the same putters, it's not a matter of putters but a matter of hole selection. Votes: 0

Why would these English explorers search for these spices, yet never use them in their food? Votes: 0

You need to take a long, hard look in the mirror and not come away thinking, "Hey, there's something wrong with this mirror." Votes: 0

By working to get away from your circumstance you can make something better of yourself, but there's no guarantee... But you know what? The joy of it is chasing that dream. Votes: 0

No, I live in New Jersey because I like living in New Jersey. Votes: 0

'Powell movement.' What do you think 'PM' stands for? Votes: 0

I can't believe I'm comforting a billionaire. Votes: 0

Honestly, folks, I think my brain is broken. Votes: 0

It's nice to know that [God] can destroy us in a myriad of ways. Votes: 0

Well, I'm sold. I'll take one America. Votes: 0

Some people look at a glass and see it as half-full. Others look at a glass and call it a dragon. Votes: 0

Democrats - always standing up for what they later realize they should have believed in. Votes: 0

You're your own play. Votes: 0

Jazz musicians are the coolest people on the planet. Can I have some cool? Votes: 0

Technology. It's like science, only useless. Votes: 0

Nobody out-rednecks the great state of America. Votes: 0

Thus, I've created humour. Votes: 0

Putting the 10 commandments up to prevent crime is like putting 'Employees must wash hands' up to keep the piss out of your burger. Votes: 0

It's not really a good sign when your audience applauds Satan. Votes: 0

Bush's popularity is at 40% in South America? He could be their president! Votes: 0

Apparently the only time the press gets it right is when the White House illegally leaks it to them. Votes: 0

In what is perhaps the strangest turn in the President's efforts to rally support, he agreed that Iraq is just like Vietnam, but in a good way. Votes: 0

The blow back from the cold war is that a weakened Russia allowed Afghanistan to become a failed state, and then all this weaponry to flow into all these other conflicts. Our greatest triumph has almost fueled our most intractable battle now. Votes: 0

There is going to come a day when everyone here is going to need keen observation and wit to ridicule George W. Bush. But when that day comes, all we're going to have are tired puns and goofy looks. Because as you would say, we're suffering from the soft bigotry of low expectorations. Votes: 0

I have become increasingly unnerved by the depth of corruption that exists at many different levels. I'm less upset with politicians than [with] the media. Votes: 0

The real challenge is when I'm at work, I'm at work. I'm locked in, I'm ready to go, I'm focused. When I'm at home, I'm locked in and I'm ready to go and I'm focused on home. We don't watch the show. We don't watch the news. We don't do any of that stuff. I sit down, I play Barbies. And sometimes the kids will come home and play with me. Votes: 0

What I like to do is come in, write the entire program and treat my staff to hot stone massages. Votes: 0

People always say, when did you realize you were funny? And I think it's not that you realize you were funny. It's that you're brain works in a certain way. And I don't think that that's - I think in some respects it's uncontrollable, and you can either accept it and deal with it and hone it or you can try to fight it. And I was too weak to fight it. Votes: 0

Typically, when you're with your friends, premises are coming up left and right. But when you're on stage, you must create the premise. So you have to create the premise, paint the picture and then deliver the punch line. Votes: 0

Being funny in life is a lot more like judo. It's using the energy... Votes: 0

The beautiful thing about faking a news show is the topicality is delayed. Votes: 0

Comedy is the only form of entertainment where the audience doesn't know what to expect. In an evening, you might get ten comics doing ten different things. That's not what happens when you go to hear music. There isn't a classical performance followed by a hoedown followed by rap. Votes: 0