Top quotes by Joseph Heller

Destiny is a good thing to accept when it's going your way. When it isn't, don't call it destiny; call it injustice, treachery, or simple bad luck. Votes: 13

It was miraculous. It was almost no trick at all, he saw, to turn vice into virtue and slander into truth, impotence into abstinence, arrogance into humility, plunder into philanthropy, thievery into honor, blasphemy into wisdom, brutality into patriotism, and sadism into justice. Anybody could do it; it required no brains at all. It merely required no character. Votes: 13

Hungry Joe collected lists of fatal diseases and arranged them in alphabetical order so that he could put his finger without delay on any one he wanted to worry about. Votes: 12

There was only one catch and that was Catch-22. Orr would be crazy to fly more missions and sane if he didn't, but if he was sane he had to fly them. If he flew them he was crazy and didn't have to; but if he didn't want to he was sane and had to. Votes: 10

Morale was deteriorating and it was all Yossarian's fault. The country was in peril; he was jeopardizing his traditional rights of freedom and independence by daring to exercise them. Votes: 10

The enemy, retorted Yossarian with weighted precision, is anybody who's going to get you killed, no matter which side he's on, and that includes Colonel Cathcart. And don't you forget that, because the longer you remember it, the longer you might live. Votes: 7

I think in every country that there is at least one executive who is scared of going crazy. Votes: 6

I could not write about a subject sacred to me because I would be too flippant. Fortunately, there are no subjects sacred to me. Votes: 5

Peace on earth would mean the end of civilization as we know it. Votes: 4

That men would die was a matter of necessity; which men would die, though, was a matter of circumstance, and Yossarian was willing to be the victim of anything but circumstance. Votes: 4

Something did happen to me somewhere that robbed me of confidence and courage and left me with a fear of discovery and change and a positive dread of everything unknown that may occur. Votes: 4

I don't believe in miracles because it's been a long time since we've had any. Votes: 3

But that was war. Just about all he could find in its favor was that it paid well and liberated children from the pernicious influence of their parents. Votes: 3

Major Major never sees anyone in his office while he's in his office. Votes: 3

-You have no respect for excessive authority or obsolete traditions. You're dangerous and depraved, and you ought to be taken outside and shot! Votes: 3

How much reverence can you have for a Supreme Being who finds it necessary to include such phenomena as phlegm and tooth decay in His divine system of Creation? What in the world was running through that warped, evil, scatological mind of His when He robbed old people of the power to control their bowel movements? Votes: 3

From men motivated by moral certitude, history teaches, no lasting good ever comes. Votes: 3

The enemy is anybody who's going to get you killed, no matter which side he's on. Votes: 2

Catch-22 did not exist, he was positive about that, but it made no difference. What did matter was that everyone thought it existed, and that was much worse, for there was no object or text to ridicule or refute, to accuse, criticize, attack, amend, hate, revile, spit at, rip to shreds, trample upon or burn up. Votes: 2

We do have a zeal for laughter in most situations, give or take a dentist. Votes: 2

I think that maybe in every company today there is always at least one person who is going crazy slowly. Votes: 2

He knew everything about literature except how to enjoy it. Votes: 1

The enemy is anybody who's going to get you killed, no matter which side he is on. Votes: 1

It doesn't make a damned bit of difference who wins the war to someone who's dead. Votes: 1

It made him proud that 29 months in the service had not blunted his genius for ineptitude. Votes: 0

History was a trash bag of random coincidences torn open in a wind. Surely, Watt with his steam engine, Faraday with his electric motor, and Edison with his incandescent light bulb did not have it as their goal to contribute to a fuel shortage some day that would place their countries at the mercy of Arab oil. Votes: 0

He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt. Votes: 0

Success and failure are both difficult to endure. Along with success come drugs, divorce, fornication, bullying, travel, meditation, medication, depression, neurosis and suicide. With failure comes failure. Votes: 0

Some people are born mediocre, some people achieve mediocrity, and some people have mediocrity thrust upon them. Votes: 0

You have deep-seated survival anxieties. And you don't like bigots, bullies, snobs or hypocrites. Subconsciously there are many people you hate." "Consciously, sir, consciously," Yossarian corrected in an effort to help. "I hate them consciously. Votes: 0

I've come to look upon death the same way I look upon root-canal work. Everyone else seems to get through it all right, so it couldn't be too difficult for me. Votes: 0

Nately had a bad start. He came from a good family. Votes: 0

Man was matter, that was Snowden's secret. Drop him out a window, and he'll fall. Set fire to him and he'll burn. Bury him and he'll rot, like other kinds of garbage. The spirit gone, man is garbage. That was Snowden's secret. Ripeness was all. Votes: 0

Surely there can't be so many countries worth dying for.' Anything worth living for,' said Nately, 'is worth dying for.' And anything worth dying for,' answered the sacrilegious old man, 'is certainly worth living for. Votes: 0

I'll tell you what justice is. Justice is a knee in the gut from the floor on the chin at night sneaky with a knife brought up down on the magazine of a battleship sandbagged underhanded in the dark without a word of warning Votes: 0

The body stores the trauma of our lives in muscular rigidity, thereby keeping us stuck in the past. When we release the tension in the body and align ourselves with gravity, we take a new stand in life. This allows us to be at ease with ourselves and in harmony in our relationship to others and to our planet. Votes: 0

The Texan turned out to be good-natured, generous and likable. In three days no one could stand him. Votes: 0

where are the snowdens of yesteryear? Votes: 0

The enemy," retorted Yossarian with weighted precision, "is anybody who's going to get you killed, no matter which side he's on, and that includes Colonel Cathcart. And don't you forget that, because the longer you remember it, the longer you might live. Votes: 0

They're trying to kill me," Yossarian told him calmly. No one's trying to kill you," Clevinger cried. Then why are they shooting at me?" Yossarian asked. They're shooting at everyone," Clevinger answered. "They're trying to kill everyone." And what difference does that make? Votes: 0

What would they do to me," he asked in confidential tones, "if I refused to fly them?" We'd probably shoot you," ex-P.F.C. Wintergreen replied. We?" Yossarian cried in surprise. "What do you mean, we? Since when are you on their side?" If you're going to be shot, whose side do you expect me to be on?" ex-P.F.C. Wintergreen retorted Votes: 0

Her own body was such a familiar and unremarkable thing to her that she was puzzled by the convulsive ecstasy men could take from it, by the intense and amusing need they had merely to touch it, to reach out urgently and press it, squeeze it, pinch it, rub it. She did not understand Yossarian's lust; but she was willing to take is word for it. Votes: 0

Where were you born?" "On a battlefield," [Yossarian] answered. "No, no. In what state were you born?" "In a state of innocence. Votes: 0

From now on I'm thinking only of me." Major Danby replied indulgently with a superior smile: "But, Yossarian, suppose everyone felt that way." "Then," said Yossarian, "I'd certainly be a damned fool to feel any other way, wouldn't I? Votes: 0

Yossarian decided to change the subject. "Now you're changing the subject." he pointed out diplomatically. "I'll bet I can name two things to be miserable about for every one you can name to be thankful for. Votes: 0

To Yossarian, the idea of pennants as prizes was absurd. No money went with them, no class privileges. Like Olympic medals and tennis trophies, all they signified was that the owner had done something of no benefit to anyone more capably than everyone else. Votes: 0

Sure, that's what I mean,' Doc Daneeka said. 'A little grease is what makes this world go round. One hand washes the other. Know what I mean? You scratch my back, I'll scratch yours.' Yossarian knew what he meant. That's not what I meant,' Doc Daneeka said, as Yossarian began scratching his back. Votes: 0

The captain was a good chess player, and the games were always interesting. Yossarian had stopped playing chess with him because the games were so interesting they were foolish. Votes: 0

Nurse Duckett found Yossarian wonderful and was already trying to change him. Votes: 0

Every writer I know has trouble writing. Votes: 0

[They] agreed that it was neither possible nor necessary to educate people who never questioned anything. Votes: 0

The country was in peril; he was jeopardizing his traditional rights of freedom and independence by daring to exercise them. Votes: 0

... there is wisdom in madness and strong probability of truth in all accusations, for people are complete, and everyone is capable of everything. Votes: 0

So many things were testing his faith. There was the Bible, of course, but the Bible was a book, and so were Bleak House, Treasure Island, Ethan Frome and The Last of the Mohicans. Did it then seem probable, as he had once overheard Dunbar ask, that the answers to riddles of creation would be supplied by people too ignorant to understand the mechanics of rainfall? Had Almighty God, in all His infinite wisdom, really been afraid that men six thousand years ago would succeed in building a tower to heaven? Votes: 0

...[A]nything worth dying for ... is certainly worth living for. Votes: 0

But how can one be warm alone? Votes: 0

There was no telling what people might find out once they felt free to ask whatever questions they wanted to. Votes: 0

Let's take a drive into the middle of nowhere with a packet of Marlboro lights and talk about our lives. Votes: 0

Insanity is contagious. Votes: 0

There is no disappointment so numbing...as someone no better than you achieving more. Votes: 0

What is a country? A country is a piece of land surrounded on all sides by boundaries, usually unnatural. Englishmen are dying for England, Americans are dying for America, Germans are dying for Germany, Russians are dying for Russia. There are now fifty or sixty countries fighting in this war. Surely so many countries can't all be worth dying for. Votes: 0

It is the anonymous "they," the enigmatic "they" who are in charge. Who is "they"? I don't know. Nobody knows. Not even "they" themselves. Votes: 0

You know, that might be the answer " to act boastfully about something we ought to be ashamed of. That's a trick that never seems to fail." --Colonel Korn, Catch-22 Votes: 0

Some men are born mediocre, some men achieve mediocrity, and some men have mediocrity thrust upon them. With Major Major it had been all three. Even among men lacking all distinction he inevitably stood out as a man lacking more distinction than all the rest, and people who met him were always impressed by how unimpressive he was. Votes: 0

I can't start writing until I have a closing line. Votes: 0

All through the night, men looked at the sky and were saddened by the stars. Votes: 0

I'm not running away from my responsibilities. I'm running to them. There's nothing negative about running away to save my life. Votes: 0

I never even realized I was Jewish until I was practically grown up. Or rather, I used to feel that everybody in the world was Jewish, which amounts to the same thing. Votes: 0

After he made up his mind to spend the rest of the war in the hospital, Yossarian wrote letters to everyone he knew saying that he was in the hospital but never mentioning why. One day he had a better idea. To everyone he knew he wrote that he was going on a very dangerous mission. "They asked for volunteers. It's very dangerous, but someone has to do it. I'll write you the instant I get back." And he had not written anyone since. Votes: 0

Men," he began his address to the officers, measuring his pauses carefully. "You're American officers. The officers of no other army in the world can make that statement. Think about it. Votes: 0

History did not demand Yossarian's premature demise, justice could be satisfied without it, progress did not hinge upon it, victory did not depend on it. That men would die was a matter of necessity; WHICH men would die, though, was a matter of circumstance, and Yossarian was willing to be the victim of anything but circumstance. But that was war. Just about all he could find in its favor was that it paid well and liberated children from the pernicious influence of their parents. Votes: 0

When you consider the opportunity and power He had to really do a job, and then look at the stupid, ugly little mess He made of it instead, His sheer incompetence is almost staggering. Votes: 0

You wouldn't be normal if you were never afraid. Even the bravest men experience fear. One of the biggest jobs we all face in combat is to overcome fear. Votes: 0

The frog is almost five hundred million years old. Could you really say with much certainty that America, with all its strength and prosperity, with its fighting man that is second to none, and with its standard of living that is highest in the world, will last as long as...the frog? Votes: 0

Who's they?" He wanted to know. "Who, specifically, do you think is trying to murder you?" "Every one of them," Yossarian told him. "Every one of whom?" "Every one of whom do you think?" "I haven't any idea." "Then how do you know they aren't?" "Because..." Clevinger sputtered, and turned speechless with frustration. Clevinger really thought he was right, but Yossarian had proof, because strangers he didn't know shot at him with cannons every time he flew up into the air to drop bombs on them, and it wasn't funny at all. Votes: 0

How did I get here? Somebody pushed me. Somebody must have set me off in this direction and clus-ters of other hands must have touched themselves to the controls at various times, for I would not have picked this way for the world. Votes: 0

Rise above principal and do what's right. Votes: 0

Death to all modifiers, he declared one day, and out of every letter that passed through his hands went every adverb and every adjective. Votes: 0

He found Luciana sitting alone at a table in the Allied officers' night club, where the drunken Anzac major who had brought her there had been stupid enough to desert her for the ribald company of some singing comrades at the bar. "All right, I'll dance with you," she said, before Yossarian could even speak. "But I won't let you sleep with me." "Who asked you?" Yossarian asked her. "You don't want to sleep with me?" she exclaimed with surprise. "I don't want to dance with you. Votes: 0

Hasn't it ever occurred to you that in your promiscuous pursuit of women you are merely trying to assuage your subconscious fears of sexual impotence?" "Yes, sir, it has." "Then why do you do it?" "To assuage my fears of sexual impotence. Votes: 0

Clevinger was a troublemaker and a wise guy. Lieutenant Scheisskopf knew that Clevinger might cause even more trouble if he wasn't watched. Yesterday it was the cadet officers; tomorrow it might be the world. Clevinger had a mind, and Lieutenant Scheisskopf had noticed that people with minds tended to get pretty smart at times. Such men were dangerous, and even the new cadet officers whom Clevinger had helped into office were eager to give damning testimony against him. The case against Clevinger was open and shut. The only thing missing was something to charge him with. Votes: 0

What do you do when it rains?" The captain answered frankly. "I get wet. Votes: 0

He was sick with lust and mesmerized with regret Votes: 0

It's a wise person, I guess, who knows he's dumb, and an honest person who knows he's a liar. And it's a dumb person, I guess, whose convinced he's wise...-Bob Slocum Votes: 0

Actually there were many officers' clubs that Yossarian had not helped build, but he was proudest of the one on Pianosa. It was a sturdy and complex monument to his powers of determination. Yossarian never went there to help until it was finished; then he went there often, so pleased was he with the large , fine, rambling shingled building. It was a truly splendid building, and Yossarian throbbed with a mighty sense of accomplishment each time he gazed at it and reflected that none of the work that had gone into it was his. Votes: 0

Yossarian was cold, too, and shivering uncontrollably. He felt goose pimples clacking all over him as he gazed down despondently at the grim secret Snowden had spilled all over the messy floor. It was easy to read the message in his entrails. Man was matter, that was Snowden's secret. Drop him out a window and he'll fall. Set fire to him and he'll burn. Bury him and he'll rot, like other kinds of garbage. The spirit gone, man is garbage. That was Snowden's secret. Ripeness was all. I'm cold,' Snowden said. 'I'm cold. Votes: 0

As always occurred when he quarreled over principles in which he believed passionately, he would end up gasping furiously for air and blinking back bitter tears of conviction. There were many principles in which Clevinger believed passionately. He was crazy. Votes: 0

Â¨ Oh, IÂ´m not complaining. I know thereÂ´s a war on. I know a lot of people are going to have to suffer for us to win it. But why must I be one of them?Â¨ Votes: 0

She was the epitome of stately sorrow each time she smiled. Votes: 0

Be glad you're even alive.' Be furious you're going to die. Votes: 0

The night was full of horrors, and he thought he knew how Christ must have felt as he walked through the world, like a psychiatrist through a ward full of nuts....... Votes: 0

I am miracle ingredient Z-247. I'm immense. I'm a real, slam-bang, honest-to-goodness, three-fisted humdinger. I'm a bona fide supraman. Votes: 0

Well, he died. You don't get any older than that. Votes: 0

I wouldn't want to live without strong misgivings. Votes: 0

Catch-22 did not exist, he was positive of that, but it made no difference. What did matter was that everyone thought it existed, and that was much worse, for there was no object or text to ridicule or refute, to accuse, criticize, attack, amend, hate, revile, spit at, rip to shreds, trample upon or burn up. Votes: 0

Major Major had lied, and it was good. He was not really surprised that it was good, for he had observed that people who did lie were, on the whole, more resourceful and ambitious and successful than people who did not lie. Votes: 0

Clevinger had a mind, and Lieutenant Scheisskoph had noticed that people with minds tended to get pretty smart at times. Votes: 0

Prostitution gives her an opportunity to meet people. It provides fresh air and wholesome exercise, and it keeps her out of trouble. Votes: 0

When people disagreed with him he urged them to be objective. Votes: 0

Only Hungry Joe had something better to do each time he finished his missions. He had screaming nightmares and won fist fights with Huple's cat. Votes: 0

Why are they going to disappear him?' I don't know.' It doesn't make sense. It isn't even good grammar. Votes: 0

Gold was not sure of many things, but he was definite about one: for every successful person he knew, he could name at least two others of greater ability, better, and higher intelligence who, by comparison, had failed. Votes: 0

When I look up, I see people cashing in. I don't see heaven or saints or angels. I see people cashing in on every decent impulse and every human tragedy. Votes: 0

For war there is always enough. It's peace that's expensive. Votes: 0

A man's head is his castle. Votes: 0

I write longhand and I type and I rewrite on the typed pages. Votes: 0

There's a rule saying I have to ground anyone who's crazy ... There's a catch. Catch-22. Anyone who wants to get out of combat duty isn't really crazy. Votes: 0

In the long run, failure was the only thing that worked predictably. All else was accidental. Votes: 0

I think that maybe inside any business, there is someone slowly going crazy Votes: 0

Everything passes. (That's what makes it endurable.) Votes: 0

I don't think the 'what' distinguishes a good novel from a bad one but rather the 'how.' Votes: 0

If a man is going to leave one wife to marry another, it's better if he divorces the first before he marries the second. Votes: 0

There are yawning gulfs into which large chunks of me have fallen. I do not always know where I am at present. Votes: 0

I don't understand the process of imagination-though I know that I am very much at its mercy. Votes: 0

If Richard Nixon was second-rate, what in the world is third-rate? Votes: 0

Everyone in my book accuses everyone else of being crazy. Frankly, I think the whole society is nuts - and the question is: What does a sane man do in an insane society? Votes: 0

All of our religions but the Judaic and the Greek think more of us dead than alive. Votes: 0

Gold was not altogether certain what, anatomically, a gorge was, but he knew that his was rising. Votes: 0

The laws of nature are only as immutable as the minds which promote them. Ignorance of the law is 9/10ths of the law. Just because you aren't paranoid doesn't mean they aren't out to get you. Votes: 0

Men went mad and were rewarded with medals. Votes: 0

Everybody is as unstable as water. Votes: 0

If character is destiny, the good are damned. Votes: 0

The problem with the loneliness I suffer is that the company of others has never been a cure for it. Votes: 0

There was only one catch and that was catch 22 Votes: 0

The promises of maniacs, like those of women, are not safely relied upon. Votes: 0

Erogenous zones are either everywhere or nowhere. Votes: 0

The smartest people in Washington are the political reporters. They write about their inferiors. Votes: 0

I don't think it's good to achieve too much at too early an age. What else can the future give you if you've already got all that your imagination has dreamt up for you? A writer is only discovered once in a lifetime, and if it happens very early the impossibility of matching that moment again can have a somewhat corrosive effect on his personality and indeed on the work itself. Votes: 0

I'm gonna live forever, or die trying. Votes: 0

That's some catch, that Catch-22," he observed. It's the best there is," Doc Daneeka agreed. Votes: 0

He was one of those people with lots of intelligence but no brains Votes: 0

I'm cold,' Snowden said softly, 'I'm cold.' 'You're going to be all right, kid,' Yossarian reassured him with a grin. 'You're going to be all right.' 'I'm cold,' Snowden said again in a frail, childlike voice. 'I'm cold.' 'There, there,' Yossarian said, because he did not know what else to say. 'There, there.' 'I'm cold,' Snowden whimpered. 'I'm cold.' 'There, there. There, there. Votes: 0

mankind is resilient: the atrocities that horrified us a week ago become acceptable tomorrow. Votes: 0

Someone had to do something sometime. Every victim was a culprit, every culprit a victim, and somebody had to stand up sometime to try to break the lousy chain of inherited habit that was imperiling them all. Votes: 0

You're an intelligent person of great moral character who has taken a very courageous stand. I'm an intelligent person with no moral character at all, so I'm in an ideal position to appreciate it. Votes: 0

They couldn't keep Death out, but while she was in she had to act like a lady. Votes: 0

Maybe a long life does have to be filled with many unpleasant conditions if it's to seem long. But in that event, who wants one? Votes: 0

Now you've given them hope, and they're unhappy. So the blame is all yours. Votes: 0

He was never without misery, and never without hope. Votes: 0

I'd like to see the government get out of war altogether and leave the whole field to private individuals. Votes: 0

Remember that everyone deserves some fun during working hours. Votes: 0

There was only one catch and that was Catch22, which specified that a concern for one's safety in the face of dangers that were real and immediate was the process of a rational mind. Orr was crazy and could be grounded. All he had to do was ask, and as soon as he did, he would no longer be crazy and would have to fly more missions. Orr would be crazy to fly more missions and sane if he didn't, but if he was sane he had to fly them. If he flew them he was crazy and didn't have to; but if he didn't want to he was sane and had to. Votes: 0

But the God I don't believe in is a good God, a just God, a merciful God. He's not the mean and stupid God you make him out to be. Votes: 0

Fortunately, just when things were blackest, the war broke out. Votes: 0

Just for once I'd like to see all these things sort of straightened out, with each person getting exactly what he deserves. It might give me some confidence in this universe. Votes: 0

If God was dead, how could I feel this bad? Votes: 0

The Lord gave us farmers two strong hands so we could grab as much as we could with both of them. Votes: 0

The question is: what is a sane man to do in an insane society? Votes: 0

They can do anything we can't stop them from doing. Votes: 0

And anything worth dying for Votes: 0

Well then I'd certainly be a damned fool to feel any other way, wouldn't I? Votes: 0

Suppose everyone on our side felt that way? Votes: 0

Let someone else get killed! Votes: 0

Under Colonel Korn's rule, the only people permitted to ask questions were those who never did. Votes: 0

Top quotes by Joseph Heller

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