Top quotes by Mallory Ortberg

I attended an evangelical Christian university on the outskirts of suburban Los Angeles and by the time of my graduation was neither evangelical nor Christian. Votes: 23

My credentials, briefly: I no longer go to church or believe in God, but I can still name every one of the fruits of the Spirit and reeled for days upon hearing the announcement that Audio Adrenaline was reunited with one of the singers from DC Talk. Votes: 15

I love reading religious authors. Especially in the sort of circle I move in, people tend to be more secular, and I love reading books by just really smart people of religious faith. It's always a really cool perspective. Votes: 15

In my final year of attending a Christian sports camp in rural Missouri, the year before I started high school, they began to offer an elective Bible study group for young Christians who wanted a chance to read in the afternoons instead of learn to water-ski. Votes: 14

With a few exceptions, birds are not to be trusted; it is not normal to have such soft, vulnerable bodies bookended with slashing beaks and razor-sharp claws. It is as unnatural as an armed marshmallow. Votes: 13

The most successful Subway customers, of course, are the ones who can't keep their hands off their sandwich. Join your artist in the sandwich assembling process. That sneeze guard is a suggestion. That sneeze guard is trying to intimidate you into staying on the customer's side of the partition. Votes: 12

It's an unfortunate reality of life that toxins are constantly building up in our bodies. Votes: 11

We went to church twice a week. My parents were employed in ministry; we prayed before dinner. We rollerbladed in the summer. We were allowed to watch the 'Simpsons.' I fought with my younger brother over Legos. Votes: 10

I love 'Jane Eyre,' and I love the Bronte sisters. I actually didn't read any of them until I was in college, so I don't have quite the same connection with them that I think a lot of women do. Votes: 10

If just one person touches you without your permission, stepping back and saying clearly, "Please don't touch me" should get them to stop. Votes: 10

My parents are both pastors. In the '80s and '90s in the mainstream Christian world, it was not really common for a woman - especially a married woman and a mother - to be a pastor. Votes: 9

Everyone wants to be liked; everyone wants approval. No one likes being ignored. Votes: 9

I think female solitude is a mental condition as well as a physical state. You can be married and a spinster. I think spinster is an identity every woman can claim, if she will... I feel like a lot of women, or a lot of feminists, joke about taking to the sea or living alone in a cottage as this kind of fun freedom. Votes: 8

Usually my writing is very over the top and bombastic and very, like, 'I'm amazing! Look at me!' Votes: 8

The Toast's audience is about 30-35 percent male, which shocked me because I would say that we actively try to discourage men from reading our site. Apparently, there's not insignificant number of dudes out there who think that what we are doing is okay. Votes: 7

After I do my first writing of the day, I will generally look at Twitter and Google News - and that's my big media secret. I look at Twitter and I look at Google because they pull all the headlines from other websites. Votes: 7

When I think of Emily Dickinson, there's not one particular poem of hers that jumps out, but I do have a very vivid image of an ill woman with giant eyes who wants to write about the sun exploding. Votes: 6

There's no specific mission statement for the 'Toast.' Votes: 6

Ghost! I miss him! Is that weird? I miss him even though I invented him. I feel a lot of tenderness toward him. I don't write a lot of stuff that is sad or that is tender and affectionate, so that has a very special place in my heart. Votes: 5

In the hands of a passive-aggressive person who wants to abdicate responsibility for things, texting is a great tool. You can really go nuts. Votes: 5

An adult woman should not be so possessive of her own birthday that she begrudges her friends the chance to get married on the same day. Votes: 5

If you don't like potlucks, the solution to your problem is "don't go to potlucks," not "insist other people don't have them." Votes: 5

LGBT youth face a much higher risk of violence and homelessness after being rejected by their family of origin. Votes: 4

Usually, the first thing I do when I wake up is I start working, so I often won't start the day by reading anything because I like to minimize my 'commute' as much as possible. I wake up, open my laptop and start working in bed. Votes: 3

Don't badger people without children into admitting the secret desire for children you're sure they have to you! Don't badger anyone! Leave the badgering to the badgers. Votes: 3

You can't prevent a possible future closeness between your upcoming child and one or more of their grandparents. Votes: 3

Some struggling marriages can be salvaged with hard work and counseling; others should be dismantled and stripped for parts. Votes: 3

It's so, so awful for my entire body and my spine and my hands, and I have a perfectly good desk to write at, but I don't care. I love writing in bed. Votes: 2

It certainly was unusual growing up with two fairly well-known pastors as my parents. Votes: 1

As long as you don't think he's just pretending not to mind for your sake, it sounds like he has truly accepted that blow jobs are too difficult and painful for you to perform, and he's still very satisfied with your sex life. Take him at his word. Votes: 0

My history teacher could make us feel like he was imparting rare gossip to us when he was talking about Maria Theresa and the Habsburgs. I just loved that sense of - the Western canon is here, and it's gossipy and tawdry, and everyone is sort of goofy. Votes: 0

Did you know that, pound for pound, the moose is the leanest ruminant on Earth? It's true. Moose are very in tune with their natural surroundings. Votes: 0

Anything where I get to write a lot of jokes and have a lot of creative control - that's all I want. Votes: 0

A lot of my creative energy is spent coming up with a concept that, once I get it, I feel like it writes itself. Votes: 0

Humor is always more interesting when it comes from someone who's had more than, like, five experiences. Votes: 0

"Not being virulently and overtly racist against black people" and "treating gay people like human beings" are necessary conditions of greatness. Votes: 0

A child is not a bargaining chip or a learning tool. Your focus, if you adopt a child of a different race, should be on nurturing and protecting your child from bigotry, not deploying him or her as an anti-racist Mr. Fix-It. Votes: 0

A woman who repeatedly asks a man she knows to be gay when he's going to get married and have children is not trying to let sleeping dogs lie. Votes: 0

Acting politely in front of someone black and/or gay and then making horrible claims about their intelligence or worth as human beings after they leave the room is not kindness - it's hypocrisy. Votes: 0

Addicts sometimes have a penchant for becoming the center of attention at other people's celebrations. Votes: 0

Anyone who thinks it's funny to name their network "Tom'sHugeEtc" is going to think it's funny that one of his neighbors is also named Tom and is embarrassed by it. Votes: 0

Anyone who wants to pretend that your Huntington's disease is an invention is someone who does not have your best interests at heart. Votes: 0

Arm yourself with as many options as possible before making your next move. Votes: 0

Bad dental hygiene can lead to respiratory infections and an increased risk for heart disease and strokes. Votes: 0

Depression cannot be overcome by listing a series of good things in one's life, any more than a broken foot can be healed by thinking about all the other bones you have that aren't broken. Votes: 0

Diapers do not belong on the same table as food. Votes: 0

Don't beat yourself up over what you dream about. Votes: 0

Don't let a friend make you feel publicly uncomfortable indefinitely just because they're probably a lesbian. Votes: 0

Enjoy your relationship with your boyfriend and don't worry about the people or situations you dream about. Once you wake up, they're over; let them go. Votes: 0

Five-foot-8 is a perfectly normal height for a woman - it's slightly but not at all unusually tall and certainly shouldn't be causing you any torment. Votes: 0

I agree that biphobia is real, but I think it's absolutely worth considering that someone who "despises" having sex with her husband - and men in general - may not be interested in men sexually. Votes: 0

I do not think it is selfish to want to donate a kidney "only" to family members. Votes: 0

I don't know of any way to control the subject of one's dreams although I'm fairly certain there are more than a few types of psychoanalysis dedicated to the topic. Votes: 0

I don't think it's a requirement that a happy, fulfilling relationship also provide the best sex of all time. Votes: 0

I don't think unfriending your old crush on Facebook will do much other than remove him from your Facebook feed. Don't beat yourself up over what you dream about; there are a lot worse things that could slip across the transom of your unconscious mind than an old high school crush who was always nice to you. Votes: 0

I hate to get gender essentialist, but I'm starting to think that a lot of married men have some sort of heterosexually induced dentistry aversion. Votes: 0

I love the art history ones because it's so little work for me. There's so many paintings that when I look at them, the look on the lady's face is like so clear and her body language and her posture or their physical situation is so immediately recognizable. Anyone who's been in a conversation they didn't want to have, or been getting harangued by a little kid they didn't want to pay attention to or been tired and wanted to go to bed is just like, "Yes, of course." Votes: 0

If and when you do decide to share your experience with your husband, it should be because you feel ready to do so, not for any other reason. Votes: 0

If someone you know is diagnosed with cancer, give them a call or send them a letter to tell them how sorry you are and to let them know how much you care. Votes: 0

If this is something you'd truly like to work on, not out of a sense of guilt but because you would enjoy occasionally reciprocating, there are a wealth of resources out there for the enthusiastic amateur (you are far from the only would-be blow-jobber whose spirit is willing but gag reflex is weak). You have more options than "no blow jobs, ever" and "regular whole-hog sessions to completion that result in vomiting." Votes: 0

If you get a dog, take care of your dog! You can just not have a dog if you don't feel like taking care of one, it's very easy to not have a dog. Votes: 0

If you go out with someone and decide you don't want to see them again, do them the courtesy of saying, "Hey, I had a nice time, but I don't think things are going to work out between us." Only you can help fight ghosting. Votes: 0

If your wife briefly corrects someone with "Actually, I'm bisexual" during conversation, it hardly sounds like attempting to remain an object of desire to me. If she went around saying, "Actually, I'm still very interested in men, particularly you, you massive dose of sexual charisma," you might have a case. Votes: 0

I'm forgetful by nature and often ask family, friends, and co-workers the same question. Votes: 0

I'm of the belief that dating "potential" is almost always an exercise in frustration. Votes: 0

I'm of the opinion that it is always a kind and appropriate decision to get in touch with someone who's lost a loved one to remind them that you're thinking of them and have fond memories of the deceased. Votes: 0

I'm pretty sure there's no sexuality that justifies constant low-level harassment. Votes: 0

In no state in America is it legal for a landlord to demand their tenants lead a "healthy lifestyle" in order to rent property. Votes: 0

It can't hurt to have a backup. Votes: 0

It is so tempting to return rudeness with rudeness! Votes: 0

It should go without saying that you are not doing anything wrong by having sex in your own home, and based on the care you've taken to keep things relatively quiet it's unlikely that you're violating any city noise ordinances. Votes: 0

It's one thing to be a high achiever; it's quite another to privately sneer at your girlfriend's friends after feigning friendliness because they have the "misfortune" to drive a bus for a living. Votes: 0

Kids know when they're getting yelled at and mocked, I can assure you. Votes: 0

Knowledge of death is the beginning of wisdom. Votes: 0

Letting events end is not rude. Everything ends. Votes: 0

Many fathers go their entire lives without announcing how sexy their son's old girlfriends are. Votes: 0

Most of us, however committed we are to our ideals, will find ourselves every now and again reading an attention-grabbing headline from the Daily Mail or some other lowest-common denominator. That's not the same thing as frequenting a site like the white supremacist Stormfront. Votes: 0

No one is right when it comes to destination weddings. It's a big ask, requesting people take time off work and fly off to take a cruise just to see you get married. Votes: 0

Not wanting to give everyone in your life one of your kidneys is not the same thing as hoping they die of kidney failure. Votes: 0

Nothing good comes of reading other people's emails. Votes: 0

Periodontal bacteria can easily slip into the bloodstream and cause infection elsewhere in the body. Votes: 0

Reciprocating oral sex is, in general, a very good idea! Votes: 0

So many people choose silence after the immediate wake of a death out of fear of saying something out of turn or "bringing up bad memories" that bereaved people often feel forgotten. Votes: 0

Some people give gifts in order to bewilder, confuse, and manipulate their recipients. Votes: 0

Someone who has a disability is not necessarily in distress. You may be embarrassing and inconveniencing someone by butting in and making assumptions. Votes: 0

Someone who responds to "Please don't grope me" with whining and pouting isn't a friend. He's an asshole and a predator. Votes: 0

Tenancy laws can be so complicated; I want to make sure OP is protected as much as possible. Votes: 0

The hardest part about being ghosted is the fact that you can't deal with the ghoster directly. You just never hear from them again, and everything feels odd and incomplete. Votes: 0

There are alternatives to pregnancy if you want another child. Votes: 0

There are few things more disconcerting than realizing the first date you thought went so well was in fact a dud. Votes: 0

There has to be some kind of personal hygiene bar that a person needs to clear in order for a relationship to be successful. Votes: 0

There's simply no way you can tell a woman you work with that you disapprove of her relationship with her adult child, no matter how much you think it would be better for him to move out. Votes: 0

To stop challenging someone from using anti-gay language simply because they persist in using anti-gay language strikes me as a defeatist approach. Votes: 0

Unlike celibacy, which people choose, asexuality is an intrinsic part of who we are. Votes: 0

We are all going to die, sometimes even in the middle of a lease. Votes: 0

You are allowed to draw lines even if your feelings are irrational. Part of the marvelous business of being an adult human is that you get to set your own boundaries for whatever reasons you like, without appending a sensible rationale to them. Votes: 0

You can care very much about someone without being capable of becoming their primary caregiver in the event of their parents' untimely death. Votes: 0

You don't need to hide the fact that you're in recovery, but you don't have to share your history of addiction with acquaintances at work, either. Votes: 0

You have a right to be treated professionally at work, and it's your supervisor's job to make sure all their employees can perform their duties comfortably and safely. Votes: 0

You have a wonderful opportunity here to not care about something that doesn't matter to you. Please don't miss out on it. Votes: 0

You need to be able to express your resentment and sense of loss in a way that doesn't damage your partner. Votes: 0

You who have suffered so much do not want to be with the kind of person who makes "black widow" jokes to deal with an uncomfortable, painful moment. You should be with a person capable of great compassion and understanding. Votes: 0

You, too, will someday die, perhaps under inconvenient circumstances, at a time when you do not particularly wish to, and for causes that you cannot yet predict. Votes: 0

Your partner cannot fault you for refusing to host a perpetual-motion party or for the fact that you must sleep and will eventually die. Votes: 0

You're right to want to minimize your compulsive physical behavior in the workplace before it bothers your co-workers, but I hope very much you can also give yourself credit for the work you're already doing. Votes: 0

Asexuality does not make our lives any worse or any better, we just face a different set of challenges than most sexual people. Votes: 0

The mere idea of asking a family member if they intentionally stopped sending me an annual bonus makes me feel like breaking out in hives. Votes: 0

As you feel increasingly comfortable around your friends, I think it's more than fine to share the basic details of your heroin addiction with them. If they seem receptive, you can feel free to talk about it in further detail; if they seem judgmental or uncomfortable, you can move on to other topics. Votes: 0