My primary school teacher once poured a bottle of curdled school milk forcefully down my throat. Then I threw it up all over her suede shoes. I'd rather have drunk from the spittoon in Barney's barber shop. Votes: 22
Mum and Dad died of heart problems, my grandparents died of it, my sister has had mini strokes, my brother has had a heart attack - it's genetic; there's nothing I can do. Votes: 21
It's become normal for me to walk on set as Popeye, Frankenstein or an Elf or even a chicken. Votes: 17
I went to work for the Civil Service. I'd wanted to work for the Ministry of Defence because I had some far-fetched idea that it had something to do with the Avengers, but I ended up in Social Security. Votes: 17
I'd rather do community service than sit and write a load of Christmas cards. Votes: 16
I enjoyed school - although I ran away on the first day. I'd reminded the teacher that it was nearly time for 'Watch With Mother' on TV. Votes: 16
I was born late - what my mother calls the last kick of a dying horse. There's three of us children, but I'm 13 or 14 years younger than my brother and sister. Votes: 16
I don't like awards ceremonies. I'd sooner go to the pub with mates I've known for years. Votes: 11
I was a really picky eater as a child. Because I was obsessed by Popeye, my mum and aunts would put my food in a can to represent spinach and we'd hum the Popeye tune and then I'd happily eat it. Votes: 11
I like to travel, and I would love to be fluent in at least four languages. Votes: 10
The worst drivers are women in people carriers, men in white vans and anyone in a baseball cap. That's just about everyone. Votes: 10
Noel Coward said work is more fun than fun, but then he didn't work in the Bird's Eye factory packing frozen fish fingers nine hours a day, did he? Votes: 10
I make a wonderful cure-all called Four Thieves, just like my mum did. It's cider vinegar, 36 cloves of garlic and four herbs, representing four looters of plague victims' homes in 1665 who had their sentences reduced from burning at the stake to hanging for explaining the recipe that kept them from catching the plague. Votes: 9
Every week I have a disaster in my kitchen. The fire alarm goes off repeatedly. But it doesn't stop me being adventurous. Votes: 8
I don't live with people, that's why my relationships last. I'm not romantic. Even when I was a teenager if somebody asked if they could hold my hand I'd say, - no, it's not heavy, I can hold it myself, thank you'. Votes: 8
I know it's a cliche, but I didn't want to work in an office. Votes: 8
Writing is such a solitary existence, and I can only do it late at night. Votes: 7
Comedy, your funny bone, is formed in childhood. Votes: 6
I don't want to sound like Catherine Cookson but I've worked since I was eight, with a paper round and in a fruit and veg shop. Taking a pay cut won't demotivate me, not at all. It's not about money in the first place. It's about the job. Votes: 6
I like a Blackpool breakfast, me - 20 ciggies and a pot of tea. Votes: 6
When my dog Buster died, I couldn't get over it. I was in bits. Votes: 6
You can draw the character out of pets, and you can make them your friends, but they are animals, and they have to be allowed to live the lives of animals. Votes: 5
I was Popeye mad when I was a kid, and I'd eat spinach until the cows came home. Votes: 5
I dress up as a middle-aged prostitute and do a game show. Votes: 5
If I wanted your opinion, I'd slap it outta ya. Votes: 4
Channel 4 are a great bunch of people to work with and the crew are lovely. Working at ITV was like being in the court of Caligula. Votes: 4
I go in the butchers and there's not a lot of meat I can eat these days, with having all the animals. Votes: 3
The person I always enjoy having a meal with is Cilla Black. I might not see her for months, but then I'll pick her up at her flat, and we'll go to a restaurant, and it's like I've seen her that morning. Votes: 2
Taking a pay cut won't demotivate me, not at all. It's not about money in the first place. It's about the job. Votes: 2
I like working with kids; they keep you going. Votes: 1
I am quite happy to take a cut. You've got to, if you want to work and continue working. Votes: 0
I dont live with people, thats why my relationships last. Im not romantic. Even when I was a teenager if somebody asked if they could hold my hand Id say, - no, its not heavy, I can hold it myself, thank you. Votes: 0
I love looking after animals. I find it very enjoyable. Votes: 0
I've frequently been asked over the years who Lily Savage was based on and I've always answered that it was no one in particular and she was just a figment of my imagination. The truth, I realise now, is that Lily owes a lot to the women I encountered in my childhood. Characteristics and attitudes were observed and absorbed, Aunty Chris's in particular, and they provided the roots and compost for the Lily that would germinate and grow later on. Votes: 0
Times are hard and friends are few Votes: 0
What was I drinking last night? Furniture polish? Votes: 0