Life is just a bowl of pits. Votes: 12
Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.' Votes: 0
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass. Votes: 0
I tell ya, I know the best way to get girls. I hang out at women's prisons, and wait for parolees. Votes: 0
I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer." Votes: 0
I walked in on my wife and the milkman, the first thing she says is "don't tell the butcher"! Votes: 0
This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me. Votes: 0
I got myself good this morning too. I did my pushups in the nude, I didn't see the mouse trap. Votes: 0
I don't get no respect Votes: 0
I was so ugly my parents had to hang a pork chop around my neck to get the dog to play with me. Votes: 0
My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves. Votes: 0
I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers. Votes: 0
Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor. I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes. Votes: 0
I once went out with this wild girl. She made French toast and got her tongue caught in the toaster. Votes: 0
With sex my wife thinks twice before she turns me down. Yeah, once in the morning and once at night. Votes: 0
When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, "Look, twins!" Votes: 0
If you can't write your own material, you have very little chance of making it as a comedian. Votes: 0
And my girlfriend, she's FAT! How fat? She's so fat she wears two watches-one for each time zone! Votes: 0
Hey, did somebody step on a duck? Votes: 0
I asked my wife if she would put out the garbage. she said why should I you never put out for me. Votes: 0
I bought a new book, '100 new ways to make love'. I ended up in traction - it was a misprint. Votes: 0
I bought a new Japanese car, I turned on the radio ... I don't understand a word they're saying. Votes: 0
I came from a real tough neighborhood. On my street, the kids take hubcaps - from moving cars. Votes: 0
I can't get no respect. Votes: 0
I have three kids, one of each. Votes: 0
I tell ya, it's tough to save a buck. Right now I'm supporting two fighters. My wife and her mother. Votes: 0
I tell ya, with my wife, I got no sex life. Her favorite position is facing Bloomingdale's. Votes: 0
I told my wife 'hey honey come on, let's make love like the old days.' She asked me for 50 bucks. Votes: 0
I went to a gay bar, they wanted proof of sex so I showed them, they said it wasn't enough. Votes: 0
If every man was as true to his country as he was to his wife, we'd be in a lot of trouble. Votes: 0
If I could have dinner with anyone who lived in history, it would depend on the restaurant. Votes: 0
I'm at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to. Votes: 0
It was the same thing in the army, no respect. They gave me a uniform that glowed in the dark. Votes: 0
It would be great if people never got angry at someone for doing something they've done themselves. Votes: 0
It's tough to stay married. My wife says no because she's tired then stays up and reads her book. Votes: 0
Last week I was walking by a cemetery, two guys came after me with shovels. It was all about money. Votes: 0
Man, who don't like spaghetti? Votes: 0
My father gave me a bat for Christmas. The first time I tried to play with it, it flew away. Votes: 0
My wife gives good headache. Votes: 0
My wife had her drivers' test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear. Votes: 0
My wife has cut our lovemaking down to once a month, but I know two guys she's cut out entirely. Votes: 0
My wife says 90% of sex occurs between the ears. But I need a girl who can blow more just my mind. Votes: 0
Oh, this your wife, huh? A lovely lady. Hey baby, you must've been something before electricity. Votes: 0
Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it. Votes: 0
The sign on the bar said: 'girls- topless, bottomless', I went inside and there was nobody there! Votes: 0
To give you an idea how well I was doing at the time I quit, I was the only one who knew I quit. Votes: 0
What a childhood I had. My parents sent me to a child psychiatrist. The kid didn't help me at all. Votes: 0
What a dog I got. Last night he went on the paper four times - three while I was reading it. Votes: 0
When I was 3 years old, my parents got a dog. I was jealous of the dog, so they got rid of me. Votes: 0
When I was a kid we were so poor, if I hadn't been a boy I wouldn't have had anything to play with. Votes: 0