I don't deserve to be mentioned in the same sentence with Charles Chaplin.
You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be led.
If any of you cry at my funeral I'll never speak to you again.
If anyone at my funeral has a long face, I'll never speak to him again.
Humor is the truth; wit is an exaggeration of the truth.
If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again!
If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.
I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.
I feel like dying when I'm helpless
A friend once asked me what comedy was. That floored me. What is comedy? I don't know. Does anybody? Can you define it? All I know is that I learned how to get laughs, and that's all I know about it. You have to learn what people will laugh at, then proceed accordingly.