Top quotes by Stephen Colbert

Northwestern's alumni list is truly impressive. This university has graduated best-selling authors, Olympians, presidential candidates, Grammy winners, Peabody winners, Emmy winners, and that's just me! Votes: 38

We have this idea in our minds that there's this separation of church and state in America, which I think is a good thing. And we extend that to our politics - not just church and state, but it's also there's a separation of religion and politics. But of course there isn't. Votes: 21

I used to write things for friends. There was this girl I had a crush on, and she had a teacher she didn't like at school. I had a real crush on her, so almost every day I would write her a little short story where she would kill him in a different way. Votes: 20

I just think Rosa Parks was overrated. Last time I checked, she got famous for breaking the law. Votes: 19

If you love friends, you will serve your friends. If you love community, you will serve your community. If you love money, you will serve your money. And if you love only yourself, you will serve only yourself. And you will have only yourself. Votes: 18

My favorite off-camera memory of Jon Stewart is watching him jump from the second level of a tuna tower into the waters off Grand Cayman. Votes: 16

I spent my first two years at a small all-male college in Virginia called Hampden-Sydney. That was like going to college 120 years ago. The languages, a year of rhetoric, all of the great books, Western Man courses, stuff like that. Votes: 13

I not only loved studying theater, I loved being a theater major. It gave me an excuse to brood, to grow a beard, to wear black 'at' people. I didn't just want to play Hamlet, I wanted to be Hamlet. Votes: 13

We are thrilled that Jon Batiste is joining 'The Late Show' family of products. For my money, nobody plays like Jon Batiste. And you can trust me, because it is my money. Votes: 13

That's my parenting style - 'Go watch the TV.' I'm one of 11 children, and my mother's parenting style was, 'There's the TV. Go watch it. Mommy's got 10 other people to take care of.' Votes: 11

In the media age, everybody was famous for 15 minutes. In the Wikipedia age, everybody can be an expert in five minutes. Special bonus: You can edit your own entry to make yourself seem even smarter. Votes: 10

I started off at the Second City in Chicago... It's an improvisational theater that ostensibly does social and political satire, but when I was there, we generally didn't. We did character work, and we did just the silliest things we could think of. We weren't all that concerned with, you know, changing the world through mime. Votes: 10

Thankfully, dreams can change. If we'd all stuck with our first dream, the world would be overrun with cowboys and princesses. Votes: 10

I would say laughter is the best medicine. But it's more than that. It's an entire regime of antibiotics and steroids. Laughter brings the swelling down on our national psyche and then applies an antibiotic cream. You gotta keep it away from your eyes. Votes: 9

I deliver my Truth hot and hard. Votes: 9

When my car runs out of gas, I buy a new one. I don't want to ride around in a quitter. Votes: 8

Cynicism masquerades as wisdom, but it is the furthest thing from it. Because cynics don't learn anything. Because cynicism is a self-imposed blindness: a rejection of the world because we are afraid it will hurt us or disappoint us. Cynics always say 'no.' But saying 'yes' begins things. Saying 'yes' is how things grow. Votes: 8

The letters that say 'I'm getting the messages you're sending me through the television screen' are not great. But those are few and far between, thank God. I get wonderful letters, and people send me artwork. Votes: 8

I liked comedy as a kid. When I was a kid, I'd go to sleep to, like, Bill Cosby albums every night. I'd listen to 'Bill Cosby Is A Very Funny Fellow... Right!' and 'Wonderfulness,' which are two of his most famous albums. Then the next night, I'd flip them over, 'cause it was the old stackable turntable. Votes: 8

I love being onstage. I love the relationship with the audience. I love the letting go, the sense of discovery, the improvising. Votes: 7

When I got to 'The Daily Show,' they asked me to have a political opinion. It turned out that I had one, but I didn't realize quite how liberal I was until I was asked to make passionate comedic choices as opposed to necessarily successful comedic choices. Votes: 7

Simply being a guest on David Letterman's show has been a highlight of my career. I never dreamed that I would follow in his footsteps, though everyone in late night follows Dave's lead. I'm thrilled and grateful that CBS chose me. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go grind a gap in my front teeth. Votes: 6

Late-night shows are 'Chopped.' Who are your guests tonight? Your guests tonight are veal tongue, coffee grounds and gummy bears. There, make a show ... Make an appetizer that appeals to millions of people. That's what I like. How could you possibly do it? Oh, you bring in your own flavors. Your own house band is another flavor. Votes: 5

Use the word 'zeitgeist' as often as possible. Ideally, you want to find words that sound familiar but people don't really know their definitions: 'zeitgeist,' 'bildungsroman,' 'doppelganger' - better yet, anything Latin. But avoid 'paradigm.' It's so 1994. If you say the word 'paradigm,' everybody knows you're a poser. Votes: 5

Don't be afraid to make things up. Never fear being exposed as a fraud. Experts make things up all the time. They're qualified to. Votes: 4

I like to do things that are publicly embarrassing, to feel the embarrassment touch me and sink into me and then be gone. I like getting on elevators and singing too loudly in that small space. The feeling you feel is almost like a vapor. The discomfort and the wishing that it would end that comes around you. Votes: 3

I love 'Sunday in the Park with George.' I saw that when I was just, just starting theater school, and I remember singing 'Finishing the Hat' or at least reading the lyrics to 'Finishing the Hat' and other songs from 'Sunday in the Park with George' to my mom to try to explain why I wanted to be an artist. Votes: 3

I have a morality. I don't know if it's the best morality. And I do like thinking. If people perceive that as a moral intellectualism, that's fine. That's up to them to decide. Votes: 3

I'm a junkie for exhaustion, and I'm a junkie for setting up my expectations too high and then trying to meet them. Votes: 3

I look, absolutely, like I'm going to sell you insurance. Votes: 1

I used to make up stuff in my bio all the time, that I used to be a professional ice-skater and stuff like that. I found it so inspirational. Why not make myself cooler than I am? Votes: 0

There's nothing wrong with being gay. I have plenty of friends who are going to hell. Votes: 0

If you don't give power to the words that people throw at you to hurt you, they don't hurt you anymore. And you actually have power over those people. Votes: 0

I'm an actor. I hate to blow everyone's illusions. Votes: 0

In order to maintain an untenable position, you have to be actively ignorant. One motto on the show is, 'Keep your facts, I'm going with the truth.' Votes: 0

I am highly variable in my devotion. From a doctrinal point of view or a dogmatic point of view or a strictly Catholic adherent point of view, I'm first to say that I talk a good game, but I don't know how good I am about it in practice. Votes: 0

I wrote things for the school's newspaper, and - like all teenagers - I dabbled in poetry. Votes: 0

I'm a simple man with a simple mind. I hold a simple set of beliefs that I live by. Number one, I believe in America. I believe it exists. My gut tells me I live there. I feel that it extends from the Atlantic to the Pacific, and I strongly believe it has 50 states. Votes: 0

A father has to be a provider, a teacher, a role model, but most importantly, a distant authority figure who can never be pleased. Otherwise, how will children ever understand the concept of God? Votes: 0

You can't spell parentry without try. Of course, you'll make a few mistakes. The important thing is that the mistakes you make with your kids are the same ones your parents made with you. At least you know how those turn out. Votes: 0

If this is going to be a Christian nation that doesn't help the poor, either we have to pretend that Jesus was just as selfish as we are, or we've got to acknowledge that He commanded us to love the poor and serve the needy without condition and then admit that we just don't want to do it. Votes: 0

Librarians hoard the wisdom of humanity. They are the keepers of all knowledge, the guardians at the temples of understanding and devoted protectors of the sanctuary in the midst of uneducated anarchy. Votes: 0

Divorce is a marital welfare. It's just couples asking society to bail them out because they didn't do enough research before they got married. How is that our fault? Don't drag down my country's statistics just because you ran off and got hitched before you ever saw each other in a bad mood. Votes: 0

Brb, ttyl ok? wow, i saved a 'ton' of time with those acronyms. Votes: 0

Contraception leads to more babies being born out of wedlock, like fire extinguishers lead to more fires. Votes: 0

That's what's great about America: that our freedom of religion allows me to interpret the Bible exactly how it fits my worldview already." Votes: 0

If this is going to be a Christian nation that doesn't help the poor, either we have to pretend that Jesus was just as selfish as we are, or we've got to acknowledge that He commanded us to love the poor and serve the needy without condition and then admit that we just don't want to do it." Votes: 0

Throughout human history, countries rise and fall. But not America--we continue to rise and rise, like dough, until Jesus bakes us in the fiery Afterscape of the Rapture." Votes: 0

Who would have thought that a means of communication limited to 140 characters would ever create misunderstandin g. Votes: 0

I stand by this man (President George W. Bush). I stand by this man because he stands for things. Not only for things, he stands on things. Things like aircraft carriers and rubble and recently flooded city squares. And that sends a strong message, that no matter what happens to America, she will always rebound.. with the most powerfully staged photo ops in the world. Votes: 0

And of course I don't go anywhere without my pet goldfish, Anthrax. I always tell security I'm carrying Anthrax. Yeah, sure I get a lot of guff about it, but it's a family name; I'm not changing it. Votes: 0

I would say laughter is the best medicine. But it's more than that. It's an entire regime of antibiotics and steroids. Votes: 0

Remember, Jesus would rather constantly shame gays than let orphans have a family. Votes: 0

My grandfather did not travel across 4,000 miles of the Atlantic Ocean to see this country overrun by immigrants. He did it because he killed a man back in Ireland. Votes: 0

Cameras are dangerous. With no waiting period or background check, any whack-job could just stroll into a Wal-Mart and walk out with a semi-automatic. Now, for years I've been pressing for stricter regulations on cameras, especially around our elected officials. Too many political lives have been cut short by some crazed shooter. Votes: 0

Take the platypus - that is not a finished product. It is clearly still in beta. Votes: 0

Making a better tomorrow, tomorrow. Votes: 0

Like all great theologies, Bill [O'Reilly]'s can be boiled down to one sentence: There must be a god, because I don't know how things work. Votes: 0

Hatemongers like Media Matters take innocent statements like mine, Rush Limbaugh's, John Gibson's, and Bill O'Reilly's and make them offensive by posting them on the Internet, allowing the general public to hear words that were meant for people who already agree with us. Hey, Media Matters, you want to end offensive speech? Then stop recording it for people who would be offended. Votes: 0

I thought Black Friday was when everyone puts on blackface and steals children from Wal-Mart. Votes: 0

First, [in high school], I smoked a lot of pot...and that's how I got to know the people 'half in' the society of my high school and we waved at each other over the bong. Then I got to know people by making jokes. Votes: 0

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin. Votes: 0

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin. If that ever happens, it's only because something happened during the interview that got me going, and then I had to translate my feelings to the mouth of the character. Votes: 0

If women are breadwinners and men bring home the bacon, why do people complain about having no dough? I'm confused. Also hungry. Votes: 0

I've got butterflies in my stomach... because I ate a cocoon quesadilla! Votes: 0

To all the worryworts out there who said super PACs were going to lead to a cabal of billionaires secretly buying democracy: wrong! They are publicly buying democracy. Votes: 0

Cain understands domestic issues because he had experience selling pizza; and he understands international issues because pizza is Italian. Votes: 0

I do my show half-hour a night four nights a week. I haven't seen my kids in 18 months, and I am losing calcium in my bones. Doctors say I should stop. I'm not going to. Votes: 0

Women don't want all that. Women just want a partner who is considerate and attentive, who will spoon with them while reciting Keats, and feed them organic yogurt by candlelight on a seaside cliff at sunset. Votes: 0

I have two last pieces of advice. First, being pre-approved for a credit card does not mean you have to apply for it. And lastly, the best career advice I can give you is to get your own TV show. It pays well, the hours are good, and you are famous. And eventually some very nice people will give you a doctorate in fine arts for doing jack squat. Votes: 0

Cardinal Dolan, of course, has a very, very hard job: trying to hold up Catholic family values in sexually liberal New York City. I'm not saying New York is the Gay Mecca. But it's at least Gay-rusalem. Votes: 0

Used books are the sluts of the literary world. Passed around from person to person, spreading their pages for anyone, getting cheaper and cheaper until eventually they end up in prison. Votes: 0

This is America. I don't want a tomato picked by a Mexican. I want it picked by an American, then sliced by a Guatemalan and served by a Venezuelan in a spa where a Chilean gives me a Brazilian. Votes: 0

Made no mistake: America is a Christian nation. The bedrock of our theo-democracy is our Judeo-Christian values. that term, by the way, is a bit of a misnomer. It implies that Christianity and Judaism are equal. Votes: 0

Citizens United said that transparency would be the disinfectant, but (c)(4)'s are warm, wet, moist incubators. There is no disinfectant. Votes: 0

The entire future of marriage rests with Justice Anthony Kennedy, the man who declared in Citizens United that corporations are people with constitutional rights. I just hope he doesn't do anything rash, like declare that homosexuals are people with constitutional rights. Votes: 0

The shamrock is a religious symbol. St. Patrick said the leaves represented the trinity: the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. That's why four leaf clovers are so lucky, you get a bonus Jesus. Votes: 0

The beauty of new media is that no evidence is necessary. The brave blog-troopers have stormed the cockpit of news, and wrestled the joystick of authority away from the seasoned pilots of the press who would land our country at the Facts International Airport. Votes: 0

In 1986, our commencement speaker was George Schultz, secretary of state, fourth in line to the president. You get me-basic cable's second most popular fake newsman. At this rate, the class of 2021 will be addressed by a zoo parrot in a mortar-board that has been trained to say "congratulations. Votes: 0

When meeting royalty, it is very important, no matter how excited you are, not to vomit on them. Instead, vomit on the nearest commoner. Votes: 0

Odyssey Dawn? That's not a military operation. That's a Carnival Cruise ship. Votes: 0

I don't want someone shoving his views down my throat, unless they're covered in a crunchy candy shell. Votes: 0

Will Herman Cain become the first black President that I acknowledge? I call him a dark horse because he's an unlikely candidate who surged forward, and not because he's a horse. Votes: 0

Other people's deconstruction of your motivations doesn't help you do what you do. You can't swallow and think about swallowing at the same time. Votes: 0

Opinions are like demo tapes. I don't want to hear yours Votes: 0

Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America's obesity statistics. Personally, I love Thanksgiving traditions: watching football, making pumpkin pie, and saying the magic phrase that sends your aunt storming out of the dining room to sit in her car. Votes: 0

I cannot stand people who disagree with me on the issue of Roe v. Wade... which I believe is about the proper way to cross a lake. Votes: 0

Everybody loves dogs. They're the pizza of the animal kingdom. Votes: 0

And when those bombs went off, there were runners who, after finishing a marathon, kept running for another two miles to the hospital to donate blood. So, here's what I know -- these maniacs may have tried to make life bad for the people of Boston, but all they can ever do, is show just how good those people are. Votes: 0

America used to live by the motto "Father Knows Best." Now we're lucky if "Father Knows He Has Children." We've become a nation of sperm donors and baby daddies. Votes: 0

Leaving religious texts open too interpretation is the downfall of religion itself. If it is truly the word of God then there is no room for interpretation; you either take all of it or none. There is no selective belief Votes: 0

What are the origins of dressage? Did just, one day, some young horse say to his dad, 'Dad, I don't want to charge into battle...I just wanna dance'? Votes: 0

Obamacare takes effect in less than eight months. Do you realize what this means? If you go to the emergency room now, you'll be covered by the time you finally see a doctor. Votes: 0

Today, folks, should be all about love. Unless you're old. Votes: 0

I hold a little fundraiser every day. Its called going to work. Votes: 0

Scientists have invented a new strain of cannabis without the high. They celebrated with non-alcoholic beer and furious dry-humping. Votes: 0

Sure, integrating schools may sound benign. But whats the use of living in a gated community if my kids go to school and get poor all over them? Votes: 0

Marijuana is a gateway drug that can lead to awful things, like Phish getting back together. Votes: 0

There once was a man name Barack, Whose re-election came as a shock. He raised the taxes I pay, And then turned marriage gay. And now he's coming after your glock. Votes: 0

The liberal Gluten-free agenda is turning our dogs lesbian. Votes: 0

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way. Votes: 0

Attack life, it's going to kill you anyway. Votes: 0

Gravitas is the soup bone in the stew of television news. Votes: 0

A native American group has filed a class-action lawsuit against the government for mismanagement of oil, gas, grazing, timber and other royalties since 1887. They're seeking $100 billion. Here's the good news: The government has responded what I believe is an appropriate counteroffer: A two-cent Navajo stamp. Votes: 0

You see, we're America the Beautiful, not "America Well At Least She Has A Great Personality". Votes: 0

Ignorance is bliss-Oedipus ruined a great sex life by asking too many questions. Votes: 0

I gut check my show. I say, I say, "Gut, gut, does that feel true to you?" And Gut says, "Yes it does, Stephen. Let's get a grilled cheese sandwich." Votes: 0

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy. Votes: 0

Now I don't know why he's denying them habeas corpus. I can only assume the guys they got detained over there did something really unforgivable. Like remind Obama he was once a professor of Constitutional Law. Votes: 0

I can't be gay! I'm a happily married conservative, just like Ted Haggard and Larry Craig. Votes: 0

Oh sure, its fine when a monkey does it. But when I throw barrels at an Italian plumber, they call it a hate crime! Votes: 0

If you are a hermaphrodite, it is physically impossible to be gay. Votes: 0

Take away the Big Bang and what has God done? Burned a bush and got a girl pregnant. Great, he's a high school junior. Votes: 0

In God's eyes all children are beautiful but here on earth we have higher standards. Votes: 0

Let freedom ka-ching...Corporations do everything people do except breathe, die and go to jail for dumping 1.3 million pounds of PCBs in the Hudson River. Votes: 0

So what? A lobbyist cheated Indian tribes out of $25 million then laundered their money through phony Christian charities trying to stop other Indian tribes from getting casinos [on screen: 'Thou Shalt Not Compete'] and bribe congressmen in the process. Know what I call that? I call that business as usual in Washington. [on screen: 'Screwing Indians'] Votes: 0

If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn't have declared their independence from it. Votes: 0

Take it from me, there's nothing like a job well done. Except the quiet enveloping darkness at the bottom of a bottle of Jim Beam after a job done any way at all. Votes: 0

I've always been a big fan of beauty. Sure, you can't judge a book by its cover but who wants to have sex with a book? Votes: 0

Republicans: the party that brought us 'Just Say No.' First as a drug policy, then as their entire platform. Votes: 0

I gotta tell you, I do not envy whoever they try to put in David Letterman's chair. Folks those are some huge shoes to fill, and some really big pants. Votes: 0

We will try to honor David Letterman achievement by doing the best show we can.And occasionally making the network very mad at us. Votes: 0

I'd forgotten what an honest sandwich it is. For those of you not familiar, 'BLT' stands for 'bacon, lettuce, and tomato.' A lot of people think the 'B' stands for 'bread,' and I can understand someone not wanting a lettuce and tomato sandwich. But, the bread is implied in the word 'sandwich.' Anyway, it's an American original. Everyone should have a BLT as soon as they can. Votes: 0

Corporations have free speech, but they can't speak like you and me. They don't have mouths or hands ... Votes: 0

Not living in fear is a great gift, because certainly these days we do it so much. And do you know what I like about comedy? You can't laugh and be afraid at the same time - of anything. If you're laughing, I defy you to be afraid. Votes: 0

Don't be bitter. Everybody suffers. If you can accept your suffering then you will understand other people better. Be grateful for pain. Love life. Votes: 0

You are about to start the greatest improvisation of all. With no script. No idea what's going to happen, often with people and places you have never seen before. And you are not in control. So say 'yes.' And if you're lucky, you'll find people who will say 'yes' back. Votes: 0

Hey, single malt scotch, youre thirty years old. When are you going to settle down and get married to my stomach? Votes: 0

It's hard to swallow your pride. That's why I slather mine in mayonnaise. Votes: 0

I like talking about people who don't have any power and it seems like some of the least powerful people in the United States are the migrant workers who come and do our work and don't have any rights as a result. And yet we still invite them to come here, and at the same time ask them to leave. Votes: 0

I may be just an empty flesh terminal reliant on technology for all my ideas, memories and relationships, but I am confident that all of that everything that makes me a unique human being is still out there somewhere, safe in a theoretical storage space owned by giant, multinational corporations. Votes: 0

No one has any idea what's going to happen. Not even Elon Musk. That's why he's building those rockets. He wants a 'Plan B' on another world. Votes: 0

They said you can't go to the moon. They said you can't put cheese inside a pizza crust, but NASA did it. They had to, because the cheese kept floating off in space. Votes: 0

Republicans and nerds have so much in common -- they both live in fantasy worlds and have no idea how to relate to women. Votes: 0

The greatest threat facing American today - next to voter fraud, the Western Pinebark beetle, and the memory foam mattress - is the national news media. Votes: 0

As a rule, Germans shouldn't do comedy. Their last box office comedy was Nosferatu. Votes: 0

There's an old saying about those who forget history. I don't remember it, but it's good. Votes: 0

Who's Britannica to tell me that the Panama Canal was built in 1914? If I want to say that it was built in 1941, that's my right as an American. Votes: 0

We all deserve credit for this new surveillance state that we live in because we the people voted for the Patriot Act. Democrats and Republicans alike....We voted for the people who voted for it, and then voted for the people who reauthorized it, then voted for the people who re-re-authorize d it. Votes: 0

History moves fast. It's hard to believe that gay Americans achieved full constitutional personhood just five years after corporations did! Votes: 0

Oops! I always thought PETA stood for Please Eat This Animal. Votes: 0

Look, PETA! If God hadn't wanted us to eat animals, he wouldn't have made them so darn tasty! Votes: 0

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp. Votes: 0

Now, I don't see color. People tell me I'm white and I believe them because police officers call me 'sir'. Votes: 0

Senator Kerry does not support our troops. If he had won the election, there wouldn't be any troops left in Iraq. President Bush, on the other hand, has given our troops an opportunity to fight without end. That's creating jobs. In fact, the president's policies helped create 104 more job openings last month. Now who's stupid, Senator? Votes: 0

Yes, Dr. King is pro-gun just as surely as Jesus would be pro-nails. Votes: 0

I've said it before: equations are the devil's sentences. The worst one is that quadratic equation, an infernal salad of numbers, letters, and symbols. Votes: 0

When my car runs out of gas, I buy a new one. I don't want to ride around with a quitter. Votes: 0

The fate of our country is now in the hands of people who don't think about what they want until they get right up to the register at McDonald's. Votes: 0

If someone spreads hate then they're not your religious leader. Votes: 0

People are constantly saying, 'How's it feel to have such an impact?' I just want to be funny. I'm a comedian, not a political thinker. We're changing the world one factual error at a time Votes: 0

I don't trust books. They're all fact and no heart Votes: 0

Science attacks our most cherished opinions. Opinions which come straight from our collective gut. Oh, wait, according to gastroenterologists, the only thing that comes from the gut is waste left from the digestion of food. That's right, waste. I guess that means that scientists literally think our opinions should be flushed down the toilet! Votes: 0

There's nothing wrong with stretching the truth. We stretch taffy, and that just makes it more delicious. Votes: 0

All Dogs Go To Heaven? Sorry, kids. It's only the dogs who've accepted Christ. Votes: 0

Clearly, America has no shortage of metaphorical opportunities for the poor. Votes: 0

You can't spell "parentry" without "try." Of course, you'll make a few mistakes. The important thing is that the mistakes you make with your kids are the same ones your parents made with you. At least you know how those turn out. Votes: 0

(Rush are) like the JD Salinger of Canadian Prog Rock Votes: 0

Cynics always say no. Saying yes leads to knowledge. So for as long as you have the strength to, say yes. Votes: 0

Vodka eyeballing sounds great, but it's a slippery slope. Next, you'll be scotch nostriling, tequila nippling and, before you know it, Jager tainting. Votes: 0

I scream, you scream, we all scream... for the truth. Votes: 0

Make no mistake: I love women. I'm married to one, I was birthed by one, and I played one in my high school production of 'Romeo and Juliet.' No one else could fit into the bodice. Votes: 0

Status is always ripe for satire, status is always good for comedy. Votes: 0

John Boehner chose a huge gavel. I think somebody's compensating for his small government. Votes: 0

Mentioning Jesus in your speech: Small government. Doing what Jesus asked: Big government. Votes: 0

And we didn't have cell phones. If you made plans to meet someone in a snow storm, and they didn't show up, you just had to assume they were devoured by wolves and go on with your life. Votes: 0

If Obama can force you to get health insurance just by calling it a tax, than there is nothing to stop him from making you gay marry an illegal immigrant wearing a condom on a hydroponic pot farm powered by solar energy. Votes: 0

I can really find something interesting about almost anyone I talk to. Votes: 0

After nearly 15 minutes of soul searching, I have heard the call. Nation, I will seek the office of the president of the United States. I am doing it! Votes: 0

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt. Votes: 0

Don't cry over spilled milk-- get angry and punch a cow. Votes: 0

If you're doing nothing wrong, you have nothing to hide from the giant surveillance apparatus the government's been hiding. Votes: 0

Laughter brings the swelling down on our national psyche. Votes: 0

Now we all know that Fidel Castro dressed up like Marilyn Monroe and gave JFK a case of syphilis so bad it eventually blew out the back of his head. Votes: 0

The trouble with the jokes is that once they're written, I know how they're supposed to work, and all I can do is not hit them. I'm more comfortable improvising. If I have just two or three ideas and I know how the character feels, what the character wants, everything in between is like trapeze work. Votes: 0

Texas governor Rick Perry has been in the race only three days, and he's already blowing away the competition like it is a trespassing coyote. Votes: 0

I did learn something interesting [while at the Atlanta airport]. You have to be a member of the TSA in order to legally perform a cavity search. My apologies to the staff of Cinnabon, but you guys should really keep that extra frosting where the customers can find it. Votes: 0

When the president decides something on Monday, he still believes it on Wednesday.. no matter what happened Tuesday. Votes: 0

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow. Votes: 0

Sorry to disappoint the liberals who tuned in tonight to gloat about Obama's lead in every poll, but I am not worried. McCain may be behind, but the man is a fighter. He doesn't know the meaning of the word 'quit.' He used to, but it was stored in the same part of his brain that remembered to vet his running mate. Votes: 0

It warps the minds of our children and weakens the resolve of our allies. Votes: 0

Nothing reassures parents more than surrounding their kids with the kind of guys who have a lot of weapons and nothing to do on weekdays. Votes: 0

It is a well known fact that reality has liberal bias. Votes: 0

Wikipedia is the first place I go when I'm looking for knowledge... or when I want to create some. Votes: 0

Of the over 100,000 wildfires that happen in the U.S. each year, not a single one would get started without the fire triangle: Oxygen, heat and fuel. Fire needs all three to exist. It's like the three branches of our government: Legislative, judicial and executive. The fewer there are, the safer we are. Votes: 0

I'm not here to affect you politically or socially. I'm here to make you laugh. I use the news as the palette for my jokes. Votes: 0

Global warming isn't real because I was cold today! Also great news: world hunger is over because I just ate. Votes: 0

Hey yogurt, if you're so cultured, how come I never see you at the opera? Votes: 0

Isn't an agnostic just an atheist without balls? Votes: 0

I don't accept the status quo. I do accept Visa, MasterCard, or American Express. Votes: 0

My brother Billy was the joke teller. My brother Jim had a really sharp, cutting wit. And the teller of long stories, that was my brother Ed. As a child, I just absorbed everything they said, and I was always in competition for the laughs. Votes: 0

I loved George Carlin and Dean Martin. I was one of those kids who had every comedy album. Votes: 0

Facts matter not at all. Perception is everything. It's certainty. Votes: 0

The interesting thing about grief, I think, is that it is its own size. It is not the size of you. It is its own size. And grief comes to you. Votes: 0

The first time I met Jon Stewart was at the press conference that Comedy Central held to announce Jon would be the new host of 'The Daily Show,' which back then was not called 'The Daily Show with Jon Stewart.' Votes: 0

The only thing that I don't like is my kids watching comedy that isn't actually funny. There's a lot of supposed tween comedy on TV that isn't particularly funny, but it's got a lot of laugh track. And I go, 'Please don't watch that. Please just watch something that's actually funny.' Votes: 0

I have a mug that actually verifies that I'm the world's best dad. That's a mug. That's not me talking. You can't just buy those. Votes: 0

I heard that after you throw away a 'New York Times,' it takes over a hundred years for the lies to biodegrade. Votes: 0

You shouldn't listen to us at all if you're looking for information. We don't take ourselves seriously on any level; we're just comedians. Votes: 0

I have a doctorate in fine arts from Knox College in Illinois. All I did was give a speech, and now everybody has to call me Dr. Colbert. Votes: 0

It used to be, everyone was entitled to their own opinion, but not their own facts. But that's not the case anymore. Facts matter not at all. Perception is everything. Votes: 0

I've been accused of being unambitious, but what I do takes up every minute. I'm executive producer, I'm a writer and the host. Votes: 0

If I had free time to go to Los Angeles to shoot a movie, I would rather spend it with my kids. Votes: 0

I believe gender is a spectrum, and I fall somewhere between Channing Tatum and Winnie the Pooh. Votes: 0

I have tender feelings for Nixon because everybody has warm feelings about their childhood. Actually, I didn't like the Watergate trials 'cause they interrupted 'The Munsters.' Votes: 0

There's a degree of narcissism involved in anything in show business. I mean, you can't do it without a healthy ego. Why would you want anybody to listen to you? Votes: 0

I can't prove it, but I can say it. Votes: 0

I'm a huge news junkie. I love what the news does. Votes: 0

"ŽYou cannot correct an old person every time they say something offensive. You would never make it through Thanksgiving dinner! Votes: 0

(on fox news).... it's like watching a Disney movie about the news. Votes: 0

...why were you happier when you were a kid? Because you didn't know anything. The more you know, the sadder you get. Votes: 0

A mother needs to be in the home even when the kids aren't. A messy house sends a coded message to children: "I'm not loveable. Otherwise Mother would dust. Votes: 0

A new study shows that having a severe phobia can hasten aging. But what if my greatest fear IS aging?!? Votes: 0

A press that has validity is a press that has authority. And as soon as there's any authority to what the press says, you question the authority of the government - it's like the existence of another authority. Votes: 0

After obsessively Googling symptoms for four hours, I discovered 'obsessively Googling symptoms' is a symptom of hypochondria. Votes: 0

Agnostics are just atheists without balls. Votes: 0

Al Gore has a hit movie called 'An Inconvenient Truth.' I have an inconvenient truth for him: you're still not the president. ... This past weekend, Al Gore's movie, 'An Inconvenient Truth,' earned more per screen than any film in the country. ... I dare say Gore's movie is the highest grossing PowerPoint presentation in history. ... Global warming: Can we live with it? ... It is time we did something, namely resign ourselves to doing nothing [on screen: Follow Congress' Lead]. ... For instance, when sea levels rise, we'll just build levees [on screen: Worked for New Orleans] Votes: 0

Am I proud of being straight? No. You know why? Because if I start acting proud, that's going to make me seem kind of gay. Votes: 0

America cannot afford a rally to restore sanity in the middle of a recession. Did you even consider how many panic-related jobs that might cost us in the fear-industrial complex? Votes: 0

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough. Votes: 0

And if you love only yourself, you will serve only yourself. And you will have only yourself. Votes: 0

And my daughter said, 'Why are you yelling at us?' and I said, 'I'm trying to discipline you!' And then she looked up at me with her tear-stained eyes and said, 'This is how you teach children, by making them cry.' And it was such a clenching reminder - she won not only the argument, but she won life with that statement. I just burst out laughing, and I think they were so surprised that I burst out laughing, that they did too. Votes: 0

And that brings us to tonight's word: Truthiness. Now I'm sure some of the word-police, the 'wordanistas' over at Websters, are gonna say, 'Hey, that's not a word!' Well, anybody who knows me knows that I am no fan of dictionaries or reference books. They're elitist. Constantly telling us what is or isn't true, what did or didn't happen. Votes: 0

And though I am a committed Christian, I believe everyone has the right to their own religion - be you Hindu, Jewish, or Muslim, I believe there are infinite paths to accepting Jesus Christ as your personal savior. Votes: 0

Any religion whose messiah's name isn't recognized by Microsoft Word can't be that much of a threat. Votes: 0

Anyone can read the news to you. I promise to feel the news... at you. Votes: 0

Apply Truth liberally to the inflamed area. Votes: 0

Arbitrary rules teach kids discipline: If every rule made sense, they wouldn't be learning respect for authority, they'd be learning logic. Votes: 0

Arby's: If I was about to be killed, I would eat it. Votes: 0

As Shakespeare said, there's nothin' cooler than droppin' the 'g's off of gerunds! Votes: 0

As we all know, reality has a liberal bias. Votes: 0

Asia: Four little letters, three billion little people. Votes: 0

Atheism, a religion dedicated to its own sense of smug superiority. Votes: 0

Atheism: the religion devoted to the worship of one's own smug sense of superiority. Votes: 0

Baby carrots are making me gay. Votes: 0

Bill Moyers is everything I never aspire to be: Calm, Thoughtful, and Informative. Votes: 0

But you are also the biggest threat of all ...You are a gay person I like. Your threat is that you make being gay seem non-threatening. It's almost as if your happiness does not take mine away. Votes: 0

Can accidentally eating halal food make you Muslim? Yes, the same way drinking a cosmo can make you gay. Votes: 0

Can you really put a price on annoying two religions at once? Votes: 0

Can't wait for tomorrow when I get to exercise my patriotic duty as an American: Complaining about how long it's taking to VOTE. Votes: 0

Charles Darwin got totally hammered, woke up next to a monkey and decided he had to come up with a theory to make it all okay. Votes: 0

Christianity is the best way to cure gayness—just get on your knees, take a swig of wine, and accept the body of a man into your mouth. Votes: 0

Class is a way of looking at society that divides people into different categories based on how much money they're willing to make. Votes: 0

Comedians dissect jokes all the time. Comedians are beautiful structuralists. But ultimately it's an athletic endeavor. Votes: 0

Comedians dissect jokes all the time. Comedians are beautiful structuralists. But ultimately it's an athletic endeavor. You have to be able to just hit the backhand. You can't think about all the pieces of it. You can't think about your swing. You just have to do it. Reading someone else's deconstruction of what I do, all it does is put me in my head. On nights when the show goes particularly well, I am not aware of its fluidity. A lot of nights I'm just worried that I'm not going to be as good as the script in front of me. Votes: 0

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity. Votes: 0

Cynicism masquerades as wisdom, but it is the farthest thing from it. Because cynics don't learn anything. Because cynicism is a self-imposed blindness, a rejection of the world because we are afraid it will hurt us or disappoint us. Votes: 0

Democrats lead in all the polls by at least ten points, except one.. Fox News. That is with a margin of error of plus or minus the facts. Votes: 0

Destroying a religious symbol and building a religious center are really the same thing if you don't think about it. Votes: 0

Divorce is marital welfare.It's just couples asking society to bail them out because they didn't do enough research before they got married. Votes: 0

Donald Trump is a strong president. We got to stand behind this guy is what I think. Votes: 0

Don't get me wrong. Being a mom is no picnic. Raising the kids is the mother's responsibility. It's a thankless, solitary job, like sheriff or Pope. Votes: 0

Equations are the devil's sentences. Votes: 0

Even the weather page is in a state of moral decay. What?s wrong with red, white and blue, USA Today? This rainbow weather map is just another example of the homometerological agenda. Votes: 0

Every night on my show, The Colbert Report, I speak straight from the gut, okay? I give people the truth, unfiltered by rational argument. I call it "The No Fact Zone." Fox News, I hold a copyright on that term. Votes: 0

Everything in nature has found a niche, a perfect harmony of balance. Man need to find his niche, his perfect balance, where he fits in the natural cycle Votes: 0

Evil exists because of the disobedience of Satan. God gave Satan, and the angels, and man free will. Satan used his free will and abused it by not obeying authority. Hell was created by Satan's disobedience to God, and his purposeful removal from God's love—which is what hell is. Removing yourself from God's love. You send yourself to hell. God does not send you there. Votes: 0

Facebook stock continues to plummet. People started selling once they found out their mom bought it too. Votes: 0

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us. Votes: 0

Football is American; why are the Romans numering our bowls?! Votes: 0

For me, improvisation is about working with a partner. That is much easier to do in the interview, because you have a sounding board. Votes: 0

Foreign newspapers: if they've got nothing to hide, how come they don't print them in English? Votes: 0

Forgot to live-tweet the election last night, so I'm post-tweeting today. I'll start as soon as my fingers unclench from their rage fists. Votes: 0

Ghost of Bobby: no, no you can't eat me. I'm a ghost. Stephen Colbert: That just means that there's less bones to pick out. Votes: 0

Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Give a man a sub-prime fish loan and you're in business, buddy! Votes: 0

Give a man a suicide bomb, he blows up once. Teach a man to suicide bomb, he also blows up once. Votes: 0

Here's an easy way to figure out if you're in a cult: If you're wondering whether you're in a cult, the answer is yes. Votes: 0

Here's how it works: the president makes decisions. He's the decider. The press secretary announces those decisions, and you people of the press type those decisions down. Make, announce, type. Just put 'em through a spell check and go home. The greatest thing about this man is he's steady. You know where he stands. He believes the same thing Wednesday that he believed on Monday, no matter what happened Tuesday. Events can change; this man's beliefs never will. Votes: 0

I am down with the latest trends. And everyone knows, the thing on the streets is vampires. So I have been biting people on the neck. Votes: 0

I am no fan of books. Votes: 0

I am no fan of books. And chances are, if you're reading this, you and I share a healthy skepticism about the printed word. Well, I want you to know that this is the first book I've ever written, and I hope it's the first book you've ever read. Don't make a habit of it. Votes: 0

I believe all God's creatures have a soul... except bears, bears are Godless killing machines! Votes: 0

I believe in pulling yourself up by your own bootstraps. I believe it is possible — I saw this guy do it once in Cirque du Soleil. It was magical. Votes: 0

I believe Sarah Palin is a true statesman, whose experience as a failed vice presidential candidate, half-term governor and eight-episode reality star has fully prepared her to take control of our nuclear arsenal. Votes: 0

I believe that people, more often than not, act with the best possible intentions. And when they don't, that's funny to me. That's why comedy ends up seeming cynical, because you're talking about the gap between what people say and what they do. Votes: 0

I believe that the government that governs best is a government that governs least, and by these standards we have set up a fabulous government in Iraq. Votes: 0

I believed in global warming after Al Gore's movie made money; the market had spoken. Votes: 0

I could sit toe to toe at a potato table with anybody. Votes: 0

I didn't realize quite how liberal I was until I was asked to make passionate comedic choices as opposed to necessarily successful comedic choices. Votes: 0

I don't get why the government is the only one that gets to print money. Votes: 0

I don't like books, they're all fact, no heart. Votes: 0

I don't like the new president who hunts muslim extremists, I like the old president who is a muslim extremist. Votes: 0

I don't trust books. They're all fact, no heart. And that's exactly what's pulling our country apart today. Because face it, folks, we are a divided nation. Not between Democrats or Republicans, or conservatives and liberals, or tops and bottoms. No, we are divided by those who think with their head, and those who know with their heart... Votes: 0

I guess 14% plus Jesus equals victory Votes: 0

I hadn't intended to end up there. I meant to be a serious actor with a beard who wore a lot of black and wanted to share his misery with you. Votes: 0

I have a generally liberal audience, but they will applaud when I nail a liberal lion. Votes: 0

I have always been a fan of reality by majority vote Votes: 0

I have no interest in behaving or thinking cynically. But it's an easy trap to be cynical about anything, certainly when you're talking about politics or the media. Votes: 0

I hope people'll find out pretty quickly that the guy they saw for 10 years was my sense of humor the whole time. Votes: 0

I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving. Or, as it's known to Native Americans - Sarcastic You're Welcomesgiving. Votes: 0

I imagined myself living in New York in some sort of open, large but sparse studio apartment with a lot of blond wood and a futon on the floor and a bubbling samovar of tea in the background and a big beard - living alone but with my beard - and doing theater. That's what I thought my life would be. Votes: 0

I know that the pope's infallible, but that doesn't mean he can't make mistakes. Votes: 0

I know there are some polls out there saying this man has a 32% approval rating. But guys like us, we don't pay attention to the polls. We know that polls are just a collection of statistics that reflect what people are thinking in reality. And reality has a well-known liberal bias. Votes: 0

I live by syllogisms: God is love. Love is blind. Stevie Wonder is blind. Therefore, Stevie Wonder is God. I don't know what I'd believe in if it wasn't for that. Votes: 0

I love being onstage. Votes: 0

I love making observations. That one is a classic example. Votes: 0

I love the earth. If you ask me it's the greatest planet in the world. Votes: 0

I love the Internet, and the Internet loves me back. Why else would it offer me so much sex? Votes: 0

I love the truth. It's the facts I'm not a fan of. Votes: 0

I may not agree with what you have to say but I will fight you to the death for the right to fight you to the death. Votes: 0

I must confess that I've never trusted the Web. I've always seen it as a coward's tool. Where does it live? How do you hold it personally responsible? Can you put a distributed network of fiber-optic cable "on notice"? And is it male or female? In other words, can I challenge it to a fight? Votes: 0

I suppose fear is like a drug. A little bit isn't that bad, but you can get addicted to the consumption and distribution of it. Votes: 0

I teach Sunday school, motherf*****. Votes: 0

I tell a lot of young performers, 'Go get in trouble. Go commit yourself to something you're not sure you can do.' And I followed my own advice. Votes: 0

I used to play a narcissistic conservative pundit. Now I'm just a narcissist. Votes: 0

I welcome opposing viewpoints, but I should warn you that you'll be facing off against the 2nd-place finisher at the 1981 Charleston County High-School Debate Tournament. And whatever became of that county champ who argued in favor of tractor safety modifications? Last time I checked, she didn't have her own show. Votes: 0

I won't be doing the new show in character, so we'll all get to find out how much of him was me. I'm looking forward to it. Votes: 0

If a poor family falls on hard times in the woods, and no one is around to care, did it really happen? Votes: 0

If anybody needs anything else at their tables, just speak slowly and clearly into your table numbers. Someone from the NSA will be right over with a cocktail. Votes: 0

If Corporations are people, I guarantee you that a government of those people, by those people, and for those people will continue to exist. Votes: 0

If Germans are happy it means everyone else is miserable. Votes: 0

If God wanted us to accept gays, he'd have made us compassionate Votes: 0

If I had a dime for everytime that I was wrong, I'd be broke. Votes: 0

If I had one wish, it would be for self-drying pants. Wait -- no! Unlimited wishes! How do I return these stupid pants?! Votes: 0

If I thought I knew what was going to happen, it wouldn't be worth doing. The challenge is how joyfully, with what sense of fun and adventure and playfulness, we will greet it. We don't have to look for what the next thing will be. If experience is any judge, it'll come flowing toward us like a river. Votes: 0

If I'm doing a talk show or an interview, or pretty much anything where I can't control the context, I'm loath to do the character. Votes: 0

If it's called the USA Today, why is all the news from yesterday? Votes: 0

If Jesus doesn't have a sense of humor, I am in huge trouble. Votes: 0

If poor people want food stamps, they should become massive corporations. Votes: 0

If someone does offer you a job, say 'yes.' You can always quit later. Then at least you'll be one of the unemployed as opposed to one of the never-employed. Nothing looks worse on a resume than nothing. Votes: 0

If the eyes are the window to the soul, then why does it hurt when I spray them with Windex? Votes: 0

If we don't cut expensive things like Head Start, child nutrition programs, and teachers, what sort of future are we leaving for our children? Votes: 0

If we raise taxes on corporations, what incentive will they have to make money other than the fact that it's the sole reason they exist. Votes: 0

If you imitate someone, you owe them a royalty check. If you emulate them, you don't. There's a big difference. Check your lawyer. Votes: 0

If you like Battlestar Galactica...you're probably a huge nerd. Votes: 0

If you repeat it, it's true. If you repeat it, it's true. And through repetition, something becomes true. If you repeat it enough. Until it becomes true. Or do I need to repeat that for you? Votes: 0

If you think you can lead your flock of sheeple and peeps to some glorified noodle fest on the mall, you got another thing coming, mister. Votes: 0

If you use big words, no one will know you aren't doing jack squat. Votes: 0

If you're a perfectionist and you know you're about to do something at which you cannot be perfect, then that is daunting because you know what your heart is like and the way you approach your work. Votes: 0

If you're injecting fear into other people, then you're trying to kill their minds. You're trying to get them to stop thinking. Votes: 0

I'll make fun of anybody. We're all about falling down and going boom on camera. Votes: 0

I'm disappointed that my own Catholic Church has decided that capital punishment is wrong. Which is pretty hypocritical if you think about it, because they wouldn't even have a religion if it wasn't for capital punishment. Votes: 0

I'm fascinated that people drawn to cults want to know what to do. And people want to know what to think. And people want to know how to feel. Not just what to feel but how to feel. Votes: 0

I'm getting angry at liberals. Votes: 0

I'm impervious to logic. Votes: 0

I'm just very interested in what my guests have to say. You have to be vigilant to stay ignorant. Votes: 0

I'm livin' high on the hog, and let me tell you, hogs make a terrible foundation. Votes: 0

I'm more American than apple pie. I'm like apple pie, with a hot dog in it Votes: 0

I'm not a fan of facts. You see, the facts can change, but my opinion will never change, no matter what the facts are. Votes: 0

I'm not a fan of the facts. Facts change; my opinion never does. Votes: 0

I'm not a standup. I didn't start off as a writer, I learned to write through improvisation, and so that's the part of the show that can most surprise me. The written part of the show, I know I can get wrong. You can't really get the interview "wrong." Votes: 0

I'm not a truthiness fanatic, I'm truthiness's father. Votes: 0

I'm not going to name any names, but let's just say, I want to do jokes on Donald Trump so badly, and I have no venue. So right now, I'm just dry Trumping. Votes: 0

I'm obviously younger, much better looking [then Jeorge W.Bush].He didn't veto things, he didn't bring order and fiscal restraint. Votes: 0

I'm off for two weeks, so until I get back, take the characters in this tweet and parcel them out one per day. Use this Q wisely. Votes: 0

I'm proud of my ability to understand what somebody else is trying to do and help them achieve it, because part of the aesthetic of improvisation is service. We don't lead, we only follow. You never say no. Serve the servant, follow the follower. And that's very valuable in your life, as well as very valuable in your work. Votes: 0

I'm the frosting on America's cake, and tonight I'm willing to let you lick the bowl. Votes: 0

In America, we know to ignore artists if they're serious in any way. Votes: 0

In order to be a top-tier candidate, I need 7.5 million dollars, and I currently have 0.0 million dollars. Votes: 0

In the beginning, a monkey evolutioned gay marriage. Votes: 0

In the beginning, God created the heaven and the earth." Sorry, Darwin-huggers, but it's not "In the beginning, a monkey evolutioned gay marriage. Votes: 0

It's a game. That's why we call it 'the news.' It's just a game. Votes: 0

It's August, which means Congress is on recess and Mitch McConnell has shimmied back into the ocean to seek a mate. Votes: 0

it's back to school time. or as home-schoolers call it, stay-where-you-are time. Votes: 0

It's clear that when we're this outnumbered by the creatures, we have to take a page from the British Empire and rule the lesser species through intimidation. That's why the single most important thing you can do as a human is to dominate an animal. Need more proof?Rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air and over every living creature that moves on the ground. I'd say that about covers it. Votes: 0

It's like boxing a glacier. Enjoy that metaphor, by the way, because your grandchildren will have no idea what a glacier is. Votes: 0

It's much better to invite the audience to be part of your show rather than saying, "I command you to do this." The other thing is, you have to follow through. If you initiate a game and they take part, you can't stop until it reaches a mutually satisfying resolution. Votes: 0

It's no surprise I am addicted to all the Republican presidential candidates. They are like crack -- in that they will devastate black communities. Votes: 0

It's official. Highway patrolmen are not susceptible to the Jedi Mind Trick. Votes: 0

It's the way our founding fathers would have wanted it, if they had founded corporations instead of just a country. Votes: 0

It's time for me to give out an award to newly elected Majority Leader John Boehner. Mr. Boehner was elected just a few days ago to reform House Republicans, who are feeling the heat from lobbyist scandals. Well, CNN found out that he rents his two-bedroom apartment from a lobbyist who had clients who had interests in legislation that Boehner sponsored. And for that, Mr. Boehner, you've just won a pair of Stephen Colbert's big brass balls. Votes: 0

I've long been against illegal aliens, partly because they distract us from an even bigger threat: real aliens. Votes: 0

I've said it a million times: Romance languages lead to premarital sex. Votes: 0

Jesus forgives sinners, not criminals. Votes: 0

John Boehner will be the new speaker unless, out of habit, he blocks his own confirmation. Votes: 0

Join me in standing up against any actual knowledge about guns. Let the CDC know they can take away our ignorance when the pry it from our cold dead minds. Votes: 0

Keep your facts, I'm going with the truth. Votes: 0

Knock Knock. Who's there? The Truth. No joke. Votes: 0

Last night was Super Tuesday - a 10-state GOP Primary orgy. A big, sweaty pile of lever-yankin Republican voters. And like most orgies, it involves a bunch of middle aged guys who are not appealing to women. Votes: 0

Last night, we did the Threatdown -- God, it's hard to even talk about this -- and for the first time, I didn't mention bears. It's winter, they're asleep, I didn't think it would be a problem. But today I see this in the Toronto Globe and Mail -- apparently a 700-pound polar bear showed up at a children's hockey game. I've said this before, they're after our kids -- they're tender, juicy, you don't even have to throw away the bones. Votes: 0

Liberals want to burn the flag, but progressives just want to microwave it? Votes: 0

Life is an improvisation. You have no idea what's going to happen next and you are mostly just making things up as you go along. Votes: 0

Life is chaotic and unpredictable. If a butterfly flaps its wings in one part of the world, it could cause people at the opposite end of the globe to watch a Discovery Channel special on butterflies Votes: 0

Like O'Rielly, we'll grab the most important word of each sentence... 'The' for example. Also, I'll say, 'I'm angry,' and the graphic will read, 'Colbert angry. Votes: 0

Love means never having to say you're sorry. That's why I never apologize to my mirror. Votes: 0

Luckily, a recent survey published in the American Sociological Review revealed that atheists are the least trusted group in America—less trusted, even, than homosexuals. It makes sense at least we trust the homosexuals with our hair. Votes: 0

Make no mistake - they're coming for our guns. And we freedom-loving gun lovers are totally defenseless! Other than, you know, the guns. Votes: 0

Mitt Romney's email was hacked! So if you start getting messages that sound like they're from a bot, he's fixed the problem. Votes: 0

My character is self-important, poorly informed, well-intentioned but an idiot, ... So we said, `Let's give him a promotion. Votes: 0

My guest Newt Gingrich shut down the government during the Clinton administration. I'll ask him when it's gonna start working again. Votes: 0

My mom kind of led me toward acting. She wanted to be an actress when she was younger. That made me interested in it when I was a kid, because she and I are very close. Votes: 0

NASA scientists have discovered a new form of life, unfortunately, it won't date them either. Votes: 0

Naturally the U.S. trails in gold medals because every time we win one, we hand it over to the Chinese to pay off our debt. Votes: 0

NC passed law against global warming science, therefore it's not happening. So I'm ignoring Twitter's 140-character limit, so it's not happ Votes: 0

Never throw caution to the wind. It could whip back into your eyes and blind you. Votes: 0

New study reveals men like to cuddle. Another study reveals men will say anything to get into bed with a woman. Votes: 0

News for the godless: religion is inescapable. there has never been a human society without some form of worship. And don't point to communist societies like the Soviet Union - they worshipped blue jeans. Votes: 0

No matter how you were born, no matter how you identify, I want to be clear that I would be proud to grind you up and eat you. Votes: 0

North Korea is willing to go to any lengths for the whole world to honor its demands of 'Ooh, please pay attention to us.' Votes: 0

Nothing is more vintage than dying of Rubella. Votes: 0

Now you'll have to wait for hours in line for medical care instead of immediately not getting any. Votes: 0

Now, for my younger viewers out there, a book is something we used to have before the internet. It's sort of a blog for people with attention spans. Votes: 0

Obama avoided the Vietnam draft with a letter from his family doctor diagnosing him as medically eight. Votes: 0

Obamacare needs the premiums of healthier people to cover the costs of sicker people. It's a devious con that can only be described as insurance. Votes: 0

Of course! Jeb Bush! America is hungry for another leader from that talented family! Votes: 0

On this show, your voice will be heard - in the form of my voice. Votes: 0

Once I'm performing the show, I think that hour show has a certain intimacy with our audience. And that intimacy is through the lens and the live audience is a witness to that, whereas the audience at home is actually the object of my efforts. Votes: 0

One day,I might be able to tell my grandkids I interviewed the last president of the United States. Votes: 0

Pain is the body's way of telling the brain it's in trouble. Similarly, confusion is the brain's way of telling the body, 'All right, buddy, drop that book. Votes: 0

Pissing off PETA is as easy as pie. Delicious kitten pie. Votes: 0

President Bush has embarked on an eight-day tour of the continent. He hopes this one goes better than the other ones he's made recently. Obviously he's not doing that well in North America [on screen: '36% Approval'], his South American trip had a few bumps [on screen: 'Angry mobs of torch-carrying bumps'], Europe seems to think the president doesn't care what they think, but hey, who cares what they think? They could at least thank him for what he's done for their burning effigy industry. Votes: 0

President Bush, have a hot dog with me. Votes: 0

Protect yourself from Muslim vampires by making your neck non-halal. Votes: 0

Remember, you cannot be both young and wise. Young people who pretend to be wise to the ways of the world are mostly cynics. Votes: 0

Remember, you cannot be both young and wise. Young people who pretend to be wise to the ways of the world are mostly just cynics. Cynicism masquerades as wisdom, but it is the farthest thing from it. Because cynics don't learn anything. Because cynicism is a self-imposed blindness, a rejection of the world because we are afraid it will hurt us or disappoint us. Cynics always say no. But saying "yes" begins things. Saying "yes" is how things grow. Saying "yes" leads to knowledge. "Yes" is for young people. So for as long as you have the strength to, say "yes'. Votes: 0

Republicans will need to work hard to capture the Latino vote instead of their current strategy of capturing Latinos. Votes: 0

Researchers from Britain's Keele University have found that swearing after an injury may help alleviate pain. Evidently, the pain that you feel is inversely proportional to the number of middle names you give Jesus. Votes: 0

Science attacks our most cherished opinions. Opinions which come straight from our collective gut. Oh, wait, according to gastroenterologists, the only thing that comes from the gut is waste left from the digestion of food. That's right, "waste." I guess that means that scientists literally think our opinions should be flushed down the toilet! Votes: 0

Senator John Kyle claiming that over 90 percent of what Planned Parenthood does is abortion. Stephen Colbert: Over 90 percent, that is unbelievable...in that it is not true. Only 3 percent of what Planned Parenthood does is abortion. Kyle just rounded it up to the nearest 90. Votes: 0

Shamelessness is a wonderful part of the character. Votes: 0

Sir, pay no attention to the people who say the glass is half empty, because 32% means it's 2/3 empty. There's still some liquid in that glass is my point, but I wouldn't drink it. The last third is usually backwash. (Said to President Bush at the White House Correspondents Dinner) Votes: 0

Sixty eight percent of Republicans don't believe in evolution. On the other hand, only five percent of monkeys believe in Republicans. Votes: 0

So if animals aren't our friends, then what are they? The answer can be summed up between two buns. Votes: 0

So my heart goes out to them. Figuratively. I would never actually entrust my heart to scientists—they'd probably implant it in a baboon. And a baboon with my heart would be practically unstoppable. Baboon strength and agility combined with my determination and media savvy? It would be a threat to all of humanity. Votes: 0

So, if I'm no cheerleader of sports, why write a chapter about it? Sports do have some positive impact on society. They solve problems, such as how to get inner-city kids to spend $175 on shoes. They serve as a backdrop for some of our most memorable commercials. And they remain the one and only relevant application of math. Not only that, but we have sports to thank for most of the last century's advances in manliness. The system starts in school, where gym class separates the men from the boys. Then those men are taught to be winners, or at least, losers that hate themselves. Votes: 0

Some people perceive me as an assassin or at least someone who can slip under your guard with a knife. But if you watch what I do, that's almost never the case. I'm just trying to keep the balloon in the air. It rarely turns into anything combative. Votes: 0

Some say, 'Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it.' I say, 'Those who ignore history are in for a big surprise.' Votes: 0

Sorry, but retirement offends me. You don't just stop fighting in the middle of a war because your legs hurt. So why do you get to stop working in the middle of your life just because your prostate hurts? That's desertion. Votes: 0

Speak from the balls, not from the diaphram. Votes: 0

Summer movie idea: take all the sequels that are out right now, and make movies about their backstories. Votes: 0

'Sympathy for the Devil' is just another way of saying 'Compassionate Conservative'. Votes: 0

Thankfully dreams can change. If we'd all stuck with our first dream, the world would be overrun with cowboys and princesses. So whatever your dream is right now, if you don't achieve it, you haven't failed and you're not some loser-but just as importantly-if you do get your dream, you're not a winner. Votes: 0

That's why our TVs are brimming with so much hot man-on-pan action. You can't channel surf for long without seeing turkey getting stuffed over and over until they finally cut to the gravy shot. Votes: 0

The cost of living keeps going up, although death is surprisingly affordable. Votes: 0

The goal is to have fun with my friends.And that means sometimes talking about things that you care about. Votes: 0

The interesting thing about grief, I think, is that it is its own size. It is not the size of you. It is its own size. And grief comes to you. You know what I mean? I've always liked that phrase "He was visited by grief," because that's really what it is. Grief is its own thing. It's not like it's in me and I'm going to deal with it. It's a thing, and you have to be okay with its presence. If you try to ignore it, it will be like a wolf at your door. Votes: 0

The lead singer of Creed says he won't endorse President Obama. Well that settles it -- Obama will not win the 1998 presidential election. Votes: 0

The more you know, the sadder you get. Votes: 0

The most common thing that real reporters say to me is, "I wish I could say what you say." What I don't understand is, why can't they say what I say, even in their own way? Does that mean they want to be able to name certain bald contradictions or hypocrisies that politicians have? Votes: 0

The only thing that gets me high is the musky scent of my enemy's fear Votes: 0

The only thing that keeps us going back to one another is that we're all filled with such enormous self-doubt. We have doubts about our ability to be alone, to self-actualize. Votes: 0

The pen is mightier than the sword, if you shoot that pen out of a gun Votes: 0

The skinnification of America's jeanscape has gone too far. Votes: 0

The summer movies are coming out. My advice: just stay home and burn a good book. Votes: 0

The way to a man's heart is through his stomach...just make sure you thrust upward through his ribcage. Votes: 0

The worst thing about affirmative action is that it encourages reverse discrimination, so-called because it goes in the opposite way of how we naturally discriminate. Votes: 0

The Yankees' Facebook page was hacked. The hacker was immediately purchased and signed to a 5 year contract with the Yankees. Votes: 0

There hasn't been a scandal this big at the C.I.A. since (CLASSIFIED) committed (CENSORED) to (REDACTED). Votes: 0

There is a residual sense for me, having grown up in the early '70s, that I did not know I had, which was a sense that the military are different than I. Because there was such a divide between the military world - and there still is, because there's no draft - and the civilian world is one of the rotten harvests of the Vietnam War, was this sort of bifurcation of America in that way. Votes: 0

There is no food closer to my heart than cheese. In fact, according to my doctor, it has nearly filled my aorta. Votes: 0

There must be a God, because I don't know how things work. Votes: 0

There was sort of a negative association with the military. Maybe growing up in the South or being in a family with members of the military, I didn't have that negative connotation, but I did have this 'separate' connotation. I was ashamed to realize I had it and did not realize I had it until I was [in Iraq]. I was so impressed by the people I met over there and there was just a sense of connection and gratitude towards those people. Votes: 0

There's a buzz to failing and not dying. Votes: 0

There's a wonderfully cooperative relationship between management and labor right now. Much like the historic partnership between oranges and a juicer. Votes: 0

There's nothing American tourists like more than the things they can get at home. Votes: 0

There's nothing more I love than McDonald's dollar menu. With just the change I find between my couch cushions, I can eat something with the nutritional value of a couch cushion. Votes: 0

They say the only people who tell the truth are drunkards and children. Guess which one I am. Votes: 0

They think I'm silly. I do silly things. I fall down and run into things. I talk to inanimate objects. I'll hold a pickup stick to my ear and say, "What? What's that? I can't hear you Votes: 0

Think books aren't scary? Well, think about this: You can't spell "Book" without "Boo! Votes: 0

Thinking that other people might be better than you is what makes you Canadian, not American. Votes: 0

Thirty seconds is the exact amount of time Americans can tolerate something they don't understand. Votes: 0

This is a crucial time in the fight for corporate civil rights. Just look at the hateful signs at Occupy Wallstreet: 'Corporations Are Not People!' Wow, I thought we were past the point in this country where some people aren't people just because they have different color skin or different religion or were born in a lawyer's office, only exist on paper, have no soul and can never die. Votes: 0

Throughout human history, countries rise and fall. But not America-we continue to rise and rise, like dough, until Jesus bakes us in the fiery Afterscape of the Rapture. Votes: 0

To quote from another gospel, DUNE by Frank Herbert, 'Fear is the mind-killer.' ... Jesus was the original Muad'dib. Votes: 0

To sit here at the same table with my hero, George W. Bush...I feel like I'm dreaming. Somebody pinch me. You now what, I'm a pretty sound sleeper, that may not be enough...Somebody shoot me in the face. Votes: 0

Tomorrow you're all going to wake up in a brave new world, a world where the Constitution gets trampled by an army of terrorist clones, created in a stem-cell research lab run by homosexual doctors who sterilize their instruments over burning American flags. Where tax-and-spend Democrats take all your hard-earned money and use it to buy electric cars for National Public Radio, and teach evolution to illegal immigrants. Oh, and everybody's high! Votes: 0

Truthiness is "What I say is right, and [nothing] anyone else says could possibly be true." It's not only that I feel it to be true, but that I feel it to be true. There's not only an emotional quality, but there's a selfish quality. Votes: 0

Truthiness is tearing apart our country, and I don't mean the argument over who came up with the word. I don't know whether it's a new thing, but it's certainly a current thing, in that it doesn't seem to matter what facts are. It used to be, everyone was entitled to their own opinion, but not their own facts. But that's not the case anymore. Facts matter not at all. Perception is everything. Votes: 0

Truthiness is what you want the facts to be as opposed to what the facts are. What feels like the right answer as opposed to what reality will support. Votes: 0

Try to love others and serve others and hopefully find those who love and serve you in return. Votes: 0

Turn up your hearing aid 'Grandpa', because I'm only going to say this once! Votes: 0

TV's Tony Snow becomes the White House press secretary. How will he make the difficult transition from Fox News reporter to Republican apologist? ... Mr. President, it is time to hire the folks who've never let you down. Limbaugh at Health and Human Services. Hannity at State. Then give Rummy the Medal of Freedom and install Bill O'Reilly as secretary of defense. Only problem, you might find yourself invading Vermont. And I'll replace Chertoff at Homeland Security. The man's done nothing to control the bear population. Votes: 0

Twenty-two astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?" - Stephen Colbert to Congresswoman Stephanie Tubbs Jones, "The Colbert Report," November 3, 2005 Votes: 0

Warmth is to sun, as truth is to me. Votes: 0

Warning: I may contain more than a trace amount of nut. Votes: 0

Washington is dangerously positioned between two Canadas, Canada Canada and California's Canada, Oregon. Votes: 0

We [comics] create our own reality on the show. I'm in a cocoon of the character's creation. Even within that reality, he's in a cocoon. While I'm an improviser and enjoy discovery, the show follows a script. I have a pretty good idea what's going to happen. It's a very ­crafted, controlled environment. Votes: 0

We all know why [the generals] are so critical of the defense secretary. They're being defensive because they weren't able to implement his brilliant plan [on screen: Operation 'Greet Us As Liberators']. It was so simple: Go in with 100,000 troops, topple the regime, everybody loves us, and we leave by Easter 2003. These ex-military men have their right to their opinions, that's fine. They just shouldn't voice them during a war [on screen: 'Loose Lips Sink Approval Ratings'] Votes: 0

We are divided between those who think with their heads and those who know with their heart. Consider Harriet Miers. If you think about Harriet Miers, of course her nomination is absurd. But the President didn't say he thought about his selection. He said this: "I know her heart." Notice how he said nothing about her brain? He didn't have to. He feels the truth about Harriet Miers. Votes: 0

We are the shadow cast by real people. And that shadow changes shape as the news cycle changes shape, so you always have fresh dirt to dig in. Votes: 0

We claim no respectability. There's no status I would not surrender for a joke. So we don't have to defend anything. Votes: 0

We don't have to look for what the next thing will be. If experience is any judge, it'll come flowing toward us like a river. Votes: 0

We have no desire to make anybody look like a blithering idiot, but we do love it when they do. Votes: 0

Well China, you got us. Phelps was doping - and he still beat you. He smoked the sticky-icky, and then he smoked your ass! Votes: 0

We're not talking about truth, we're talking about something that seems like truth - the truth we want to exist. Votes: 0

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto! Votes: 0

What I rediscovered was the therapeutic nature of singing lessons. They're like doing yoga but for [the] inside of your body. You open up and use muscles that you don't think of as malleable. Votes: 0

What the right-wing in the United States tries to do is undermine the press. Votes: 0

What's the worst that can happen? A tidal wave? Glaciers with guns? Votes: 0

When I read books it's to escape. It's so I don't have to talk to people. Votes: 0

While skin and race are often synonymous, skin cleansing is good, race cleansing is bad. Votes: 0

Why would we go to war on women? They don't have any oil. Votes: 0

Winning the Nobel Prize does not automatically qualify you to be commander in chief. I think George Bush has proved definitively that to be president, you don't need to care about science, literature or peace. Votes: 0

With Late Night Show I can begin the search for the real Stephen Colbert.I just hope I don't find him on Ashley Madison. Votes: 0

Writing and producing the show is an intellectual process. Performing the show is far more athletic and intuitive, because you don't get to do it twice. It helps if you've done whatever the old saw is, 10,000 hours of it. Because I've done 10,000 hours of comedy, I have this database in my mind of what works and what doesn't work. Votes: 0

Yeah, Silver and his math are jokes, because math has a liberal bias. After all, math is the reason Mitt Romney's tax plan doesn't add up. Votes: 0

Yes, President Romney will not take God off our coins. And that is so important because right now, just like God, the value of our currency really has to be taken on faith. Votes: 0

Yesterday in a 25 to 24 vote, Republicans welcomed back Lott back into their leadership and named him minority whip. That is great for Trent. They say minority whip is a stepping stone to Grand Wizard. Votes: 0

You can change the world. Please don't do that, OK? Some of us like the way things are going now. Votes: 0

You CAN make an omelette without breaking eggs. It's just a really bad omelette. Votes: 0

You can't swallow and think about your tongue. If you think about your tongue, you've got a giant piece of meat in your mouth and that's a terrible feeling. Votes: 0

You don't look up truthiness in a book, you look it up in your gut. Votes: 0

You don't need the right facts if you have the right inflection. Votes: 0

You don't want to just do a joke because it works - we can make a lot of jokes work - you want to do a joke because it will hopefully build into an argument. Votes: 0

You gotta learn to love when you're failing.... The embracing of that, the discomfort of failing in front of an audience, leads you to penetrate through the fear that blinds you. Fear is the mind killer. Votes: 0

You have a firm grasp of the obvious. Votes: 0

You have to have a passionate opinion; otherwise you sound false. You end up telling the audience jokes they've already heard. Votes: 0

You know what I hate about people who criticize you? They - they criticize what you say but they never give you credit for how loud you say it. Votes: 0

You may learn sooner than most generations the hard lesson that you must always make the path for yourself...There is no secret society out there that will tap you on your shoulder one night and show you the way. Votes: 0

You said in your book that at the end of the day, every politician is human. What about during the day? Votes: 0

You seem cynical because you're always talking about that selfish behavior that's dressed up as altruism. It doesn't mean there isn't altruism. It just means that it's harder to make jokes about altruism. Votes: 0

You should spend more time with your families; write that novel you've always wanted to write. You know, the one about the fearless reporter who stands up to the administration. You know - fiction. Votes: 0

Young girls are obsessed with having a thigh gap. I blame the impossible body standards set by Spongebob. Votes: 0