The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing. Votes: 44
I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.' Votes: 24
Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish. Votes: 19
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks? Votes: 11
I didn't want to be selling insurance at 40, wondering what would it have been like to do stand-up. Votes: 0
I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list. Votes: 0
What a nice night for an evening. Votes: 0
I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car. Votes: 0
Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died. Votes: 0
I was always making my friends laugh, but I never wanted the attention of the whole classroom. Votes: 0
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow. Votes: 0
I wish the first word I ever said was the word quote, so right before I die I could say unquote. Votes: 0
I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went "Aaaaahhhh..." Votes: 0
I had my coat hangers spayed. Votes: 0
The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows. Votes: 0
I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out. Votes: 0
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving. Votes: 0
Hermits have no peer pressure. Votes: 0
I was hitchhiking the other day and a hearse stopped. I said, 'No thanks, I'm not going that far. Votes: 0
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. Votes: 0
I'm addicted to placebos. Votes: 0
My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birth mark til he was eight years old. Votes: 0
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter? Votes: 0
When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules? Votes: 0
I was skydiving horizontally. Votes: 0
What's another word for Thesaurus? Votes: 0
Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the entire area was missing... Votes: 0
I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up. I couldn't find tractors small enough to fit it. Votes: 0
My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant. Votes: 0
It usually helps me write by reading - somehow the reading gear in your head turns the writing gear. Votes: 0
A metaphor is like a simile. Votes: 0
Clones are people two. Votes: 0
Day One: Still tired from the move. Votes: 0
Do fish get cramps after eating? Votes: 0
Do you have any toy train schedules? Votes: 0
Does fuzzy logic tickle? Votes: 0
Even snakes are afraid of snakes. Votes: 0
How can there be self-help groups? Votes: 0
How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been dis-ing them anyhow? Votes: 0
How young can you die of old age? Votes: 0
I can't stop thinking like this. Votes: 0
I had amnesia once or twice. Votes: 0
I have a map of the united states .... it's original size ... it says one mile equals one mile. Votes: 0
I just lost a buttonhole. Votes: 0
I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings... Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire. Votes: 0
I lost a button hole. Votes: 0
I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension. Votes: 0
I told her I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate had an expiration date on it. Votes: 0
I took a baby shower. Votes: 0
I was an only child, eventually. Votes: 0
I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. "We're surrounded." Votes: 0
I washed mud off of mud. Votes: 0
I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates". Votes: 0
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it? Votes: 0
If Dracula can't see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed? Votes: 0
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented? Votes: 0
I'm a peripheral visionary. Votes: 0
I'm not naked, I'm in the band. Votes: 0
Imagine Pulitzer prizefighting. Votes: 0
In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so I never have to go upstairs. Votes: 0
Is 'tired old cliché' one? Votes: 0
Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the road an hour. Votes: 0
OK, so what's the speed of dark? Votes: 0
Right now I'm having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before. Votes: 0
Sometimes I talk to myself in languages I'm unfamiliar with... just to screw with my subconscious. Votes: 0
Sometimes I... No, I don't. Votes: 0
The sky already fell. Now what? Votes: 0
Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors. Votes: 0
What do batteries run on? Votes: 0
Why are they called buildings when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts? Votes: 0
Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have? Votes: 0
Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors? Votes: 0
Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got pretty good. He could go under a rug. Votes: 0