Never give a sucker an even break. Votes: 17
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler. Votes: 16
I have been advised by the best medical authority, at my age, not to attempt to give up alcohol. Votes: 6
I like children - fried. Votes: 4
I must have a drink of breakfast. Votes: 3
Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake. Votes: 0
How is the human race going to survive now that the cost of living has gone up two dollars a quart? Votes: 0
Comedy is a serious business. A serious business with only one purpose--to make people laugh. Votes: 0
The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves. Votes: 0
I never met a kid I liked. Votes: 0
Ain't fit for man nor beast Votes: 0
Happiness means quiet nerves. Votes: 0
I can do anything I want to do! Votes: 0
I drink therefore I am. Votes: 0
I never eat before breakfast. Votes: 0
I personally stay away from natural foods. At my age I need all the preservatives I can get. Votes: 0
I'm looking for loopholes. Votes: 0
I'm searching for loopholes. Votes: 0
Indeed, moderation is my middle name (though I do not often use it in signing legal documents) Votes: 0
Never work with animals or children. Votes: 0
The first thing any comedian does on getting an unscheduled laugh is to verify the state of his . Votes: 0
Was I in here last night and did I spend a $20 bill? Oh, thank goodness... I thought I'd lost it. Votes: 0
You can fool some of the people some of the time -- and that's enough to make a decent living. Votes: 0
You can't cheat an honest man. Votes: 0