Rules For Dating A Marine's Daughter.
Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package,
because you're sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as
you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or
hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their
trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take
this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want
to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You
may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too
big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in
fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my
electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier
method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am
the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should
talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The
only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have
my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this
subject is "early."
Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other
girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once
you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her
until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more
than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the
movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a
process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just
standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my
Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places
where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where
there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is
darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places
where the ambient temperature is wann enough to induce my daughter to wear
shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and
a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or
sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay.
Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. On issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing,
merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom,
you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole fruth and nothing but the
truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle
with me.
Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound ofyour
car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When
my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to
clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull
into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak
the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my
daughter home safely and early, then retum to your car - there is no need for you
to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
pinimg.com